EPISODE NUMBER: 6039 (March 17, 2010)
GUESTS: Nell Irvin Painter
SEGMENTS: Stephen Colbert’s Sport Report
VIDEOS: Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, everybody! There are certain parts of Stephen that I adore when “Stephen” allows him to take them over the top. One of them is his Catholicism, and another is his Irish heritage. And Stephen gets seriously Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. (If you haven’t watched “Faces of America”, you seriously need to do so, by the way.) Being Irish myself, I just love it when he gets all kinds of Irish. My Irish is a bit more removed than Stephen’s Irish, as I come from the Adair line of Cherokee Indians. Originally, there were only three Adair brothers who came to America from Ireland, and one took a Cherokee wife back in the 1700s, is where I believe the line started from.

There’s actually a very interesting story about the Adair name in my family. My brother and sister-in-law had a very whirlwind courtship and married after dating only two months. My mother went to visit her new daughter-in-law a few months after they were married. They were walking in downtown Van Buren, Arkansas, and saw a store selling a lot of native American art. My mom says to my sister-in-law, I love Indian art because I’m native American. My sister-in-law said, “Me too! What tribe?” My mother said, “Cherokee. What’s your maiden name?” My sister-in-law said, “Adair.” My mother said, “Wow! We’re Adairs too!” To which my sister-in-law replied, “Oh no! Don’t tell anyone! Everyone makes jokes about people in Arkansas marrying their cousins, and now I’ve gone off and done it!”

Okay, so back to the episode. I have to give a huge tip of the hat to the graphics department for their wonderful site gags tonight. While I loved the Second Jesus gag, the two basketball and scissors graphic was absolutely hysterical. (Yes, I’m 12.) And I have to hand it to the urologists, tying vasectomy healing to the beginning of March Madness is a stroke of genius.

I’ve never understood the paranoia that people have about the census. It tells the government how many people are in your area, which can bring government money and redistricting to get you better representation. Then again, I’m in Texas, where gerrymandering is not just a word but a way of life. It was good to see him hit the paranoia head on, especially with Michelle Bachman’s rants on it. Here’s hoping that she manages to dig her own grave with this one. I also loved the bit with the translated Telemundo. But then again, I love anything with a good cat fight.

While I enjoyed Nell Irvin Painter, I think Stephen came on a bit strong with her. I think she really riled him up with the Scotch-Irish comment and he just wasn’t able to back down after that to let her get a word in edgewise. I’m still wondering what the book is actually about myself. I did like the arm wrestling bit, and him tearing up his cards. But sometimes I really do want to hear what the guests have to say, and it’s frustrating when he railroads all over them.

What did you think about tonight’s episode? The shows this week started out struggling a bit, but are gaining steam as the week goes on. Here’s hoping for a nice, strong send off before the week-long break next week!

• That’s why four leaf clovers are so lucky. You get a bonus Jesus!
• I know we suffered a potato famine, but we can’t even grow a g_d damned weed?
• This thing is even luckier – it’s got five leaves. And the shamrock shakes that you make with it, while they taste terrible, you can’t stop drinking them.
• The more I drink these, the more I “get” Riverdance. It’s like we’re all dancing in a river.
• Last year, the final came down to North Carolina verses Spicy Pollo Rojo.
• Now March Madness can be March Nadless.
• Sounds like a pretty good deal, although personally I would prefer buffalo wings, because you can really drop the swelling by dropping your boys in a bowl of cool ranch.
• Chess boxing – it’s a natural fit. After all, kids on the chess team are generally familiar with viscous beat down.
• Or my personal favorite, the marriage of two ancient Japanese arts – Judoku.
• Nothing says health like a 28 inch neck and testicles that look like Raisinets.
• It’s like Uncle Sam has OCD – gotta lick every doorknob!
• They’re bringing back the Japanese internment camps! That’s why she keeps her eyes so round!
• Now that might sound offensive to descendants of actual slaves. To make sure he doesn’t offend minorities, Glenn Beck broadcasts at a frequency only white people can hear.
• That is one diablo MAS sabe!
• Painter: I have a PhD, am I white?
  Stephen: I don’t see education either.
• These are clearly worthless. These will get me nowhere over the next two hours.
• I am Default-American.

• Episode 6038 (3/16/2010)
• Episode 6037 (3/15/2010)
• Episode 6036 (3/11/2010)
• Episode 6035 (3/10/2010)

EPISODE NUMBER: 6038 (March 16, 2010)
GUESTS: Prof. Eric Foner, Rebecca Skloot
SEGMENTS: Stephen Colbert’s I’s On Edjukashun, Stephen Colbert’s Thought for Food
VIDEOS: Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Being a result of the Texas public school system, plus a History major from East Texas State University, I cannot express to you all my displeasure at what is going on with history textbooks in Texas. Stephen barely scratched the surface at the particular level of crazy that they did to the Texas history textbooks. I wish these nuts and the nuts who are turning the bible conservative would just sit quietly in a big room and wait it out until the Rapture comes.

And as God as my witness, I will never, ever have a web site where people can pay to watch me eat.

I really enjoyed the Rebecca Skloot interview. It was very interesting to hear the stories of the life of Henrietta Lacks, and what happened to her family. I know that MsInterpreted has raved about this book, and after seeing it, I’m definitely going to have to get a copy for my Nook.

What did you all enjoy about the episode? I mean, other than the faux striptease and that mesmerizing tie?

• Well, two can play at that game Barack “Joe”bama.
• I will see your taking off your jacket and raise you taking off my pants.
• Luckily like a good conservative, I always wear my underjacket. And my underpants.
• You see, Texas schoolboard decisions affect school systems across the country. That’s why most sex ed books have chapters on the reproductive system, abstinence, and how to castrate a steer.
• Board members removed any reference to Thomas Jefferson, author of the Declaration of Independence. You see, Jefferson coined the term “Separation of Church and State”. So Texas has coined the term Separation of Jefferson and History.
• Do you even know the name of North’s Fox news show? Neither do I, so I guess we both have a 90.
• They say that those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. But if you change what history was, doesn’t that solve that problem?
• I say reach for the stars with that stick you use to scratch your ankle.
• We can’t all be the world’s heaviest woman in the world. I gave up that dream a long time ago.
• That’s right – we Americans have so much food in this country that we’re letting our pets s#!t in it.
• Wow, so we’re talking a big woman.
• I have homeless cells?!

• Episode 6039 (3/17/2010)
• Episode 6037 (3/15/2010)
• Episode 6036 (3/11/2010)
• Episode 6035 (3/10/2010)

EPISODE NUMBER: 6036 (March 11, 2010)
GUESTS: David Aaronovitch
SEGMENTS: Monkey on the Lam
VIDEOS: Thursday, March 11, 2010

All of a sudden I’m craving a Ham and Cheese omelet and I don’t know why. I really enjoyed the interview with Scott Rasmussen and the discussion of how pundits take polls and churn them into the Circle of Meat. It’s the reporting analyst in me, I’m sure. The T-Pain singing was amusing, as always, and I enjoyed how Stephen tied the polling issue into a discussion about what those polls mean in regards to the health care bill being passed.

It’s been so very long since we had a Monkey on the Lam. But to have a drug addict monkey on the lam in drag made the wait worthwhile.

When I don’t quote any of the interview in the guide, it usually means one of three things. First, I slept late and just don’t have time to even watch the interview. Second, it bores me so much I totally tune out. Or, like in this case, #3, I’m enjoying it so much that I forget to type anything. I believe I’ve mentioned that I live about 10 blocks away from the Grassy Knoll here in Dallas, so it’s pretty much a requirement for me to be an aficionado of conspiracy theories. I love to read about them, hear about them, and see what other people actually believe about some of the biggest conspiracy theories out there. I like the concept that conspiracy theories are there to simplify what is often a very complex truth. I also love “Stephen’s” knowledge of some Weekly World News-style theories, like the Cuban Freemason mafia killed JFK so that they wouldn’t discover that Marilyn Monroe was Castro in drag. This, of course, made me think of the wonderful JFK story in “Strangers With Candy” and how Noblet said that Monroe gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it blew the back of his head off.

Go ahead and take this non-scientific poll, and let us know what you thought about the show in the comments!

• Hey Karl, are you feeling all right? Your eyes look a little glazed.
• It’s just like Pride and Prejudice, but even more prejudice.
• I’m telling you, this is a gripping who didn’t done it.
• This, in the biz, is called the Circle of Meat.
• I wanna buy you a drank. This is harder than it looks.
• Wow. Those numbers suggest that in terms of it being, health very much is. And only a very small percentage believe it not in terms of isness.
• Are those donut holes of idiocy in all polls?
• I love animals. They are the most important part of my favorite sandwiches.
• I’ll just have to add that to my list of reasons never go to Florida, right behind Parrotheads, cockroaches the size of your car, and the rhythm is gonna get me.
• Oh my God. He might not be a monkey at all. They may be hunting Iggy Pop.
• It won’t be long before this junkie money starts turning tricks for drug money. Don’t fall for this, guys. I’ve been burned before.
• Remember, Robert Pattinson also throws his feces.
• I don’t care that you just found a stash of Tommy guns, leave me alone!

• Episode 6039 (3/17/2010)
• Episode 6038 (3/16/2010)
• Episode 6037 (3/15/2010)
• Episode 6035 (3/10/2010)

EPISODE NUMBER: 6035 (March 10, 2010)
GUESTS: Charlie Cook, Sean Carroll
SEGMENTS: Health Care Reconciliation discussion, Glenn Beck’s new sponsor – Nonhybrid seeds
VIDEOS: Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Interesting new intro this morning, although I gotta say that the touch screen isn’t the same without a drawing of Snoopy. It was a good change of pace, though, a palette cleanser of sorts. I have to say, I don’t appreciate the fact that Eric Massa put the thought of my mind about himself naked in the shower with Rahm Emmanuel. *shudder* Also, while I was working on a screencap of this episode, I noticed there was a shot where Stephen’s face seemed to be overlayed over the Statue of Liberty behind him. It was one of those moments that made me seriously appreciate the new set.

When Stephen highlights the ridiculousness of commercials on Glenn Beck’s show, I often wonder, do these ads really work? Do Glenn Beck watchers actually believe this horse hockey? Would people actually pay $150 for seeds? And the reporting analyst in me loved the line about being scared from the graph with no data points done in Microsoft Paint. I actually own a book called How to Lie With Charts, and I’m pretty sure it’s required reading for all people in the graphics department at Fox News.

The interview with Sean Carroll was interesting mostly because it was quite interesting watching Stephen try to simultaneously grasp the concepts that Carroll was talking about while also making a funny quip about it.

Don’t forget to take the poll over at ColbertNation.com for tonight’s episode, and I look forward to hearing what you have to say in the comments!

• Fine, here are the dots. Let’s connect them. [I'M GAY]
• It’s like jazz, baby. It’s like the sense they don’t make.
• Folks, I hear the victim was literally asking for it.
• I’m going to grope you, but it’s not going to be sexual, it’s just going to be fun, okay?
• You can’t spell scare without care.
• So instead of blue dogs, they’re blue pussies?
• I’ve interviewed a few of them, I think they could.
• Oh my God! That chart with no numbers or data points is right! That green line is clearly being driven up by market forces, not just by some guy with Microsoft Paint.
• When the end time comes and you’re tilling the earth with a human femur while the sky is raining fire, you’re going to want a reliable supply of radicchio and mini-squash.
• Try to pass off hybrid seeds and you will be raped by a mole man.
• Next year?! This site was registered almost two years ago which means next year was last year. We’ve been dead for almost 2 1/2 months!
• I’ve got a question for you – why didn’t the movie “Benjamin Button” really work?
• In these other universes, is it possible that my show is on at 11:00 and Jon Stewart’s show is on at 11:30?

• Episode 6039 (3/17/2010)
• Episode 6038 (3/16/2010)
• Episode 6037 (3/15/2010)
• Episode 6036 (3/11/2010)

EPISODE NUMBER: 6034 (March 9, 2010)
GUESTS: Annie Leonard
SEGMENTS: Stephen Colbert Consumer Alert, The WØRD: Define & Conquer
VIDEOS: Tuesday, March 9, 2010

First, I’d like to thank MsInterpreted for helping with the guide yesterday (and with a few power boosts for today’s episode as well). Secondly, I would like to say that it’s 6:30a and the full episode video is not up and I’m seriously missing Hulu right about now.

I’ve got the fever for the flavor of a new episode, Zoners! The ingredients in Taco Night Pringles? A thing of beauty. And while the news cycle is overrun with health care coverage, I’m so ready for something to be passed. I’m insured, and it still cost me $530 to get an MRI yesterday morning due to the deductible. And I’m seriously worried if they find they’re going to have to do surgery on my knee. Paying 30% of a buttload (plus the deductible) is still a buttload. *sigh* Can I please move to Canada long enough to get my knee fixed?

Nothing makes you realize how much stuff you have than moving. And after last month’s move, I realized that sweet baby Jesus, I have too much crap. I found it seriously ironic that she puts down watching TV on a television show. I do see her point though – too much time is wasted shopping and watching TV as opposed to reading, conversing, and generally being a sociable person. Even last night, I stayed home and watched “Lost” because I was just too worn out to go out with some friends. (But a Ben Linus episode?! Sign me up! Love him, LOVE him! So glad they didn’t kill him off. And that moment at the end where he says, with tears in his eyes, “He’s the only one who will have me”, I just wanted to pick him up and hug him, even if he has murdered pretty much everyone who’s ever died on the island. Also, Alex being his student in the Flash Sideways was total awesomesauce. So great to see Guyliner back, and seeing that Widmore is in fact, on his way. But I digress.)

Don’t forget to check out the movie The Story of Stuff, and let us know what you thought of it in the comments!

• I hope you already have sent back your previously recalled item, the Agribaby Cribside Mulcher.
• I know, I know — Taco Night! Which doesn’t just deliver the flavor of a taco, hell, even a taco can do that. These capture the whole Taco Night! It’s right here in the ingredients, see? It says, um: whey, vegetable solids, sunflower oil, opening the refrigerator and seeing there’s nothing else and deciding to make tacos even though you made them two nights ago, cheddar cheese, maltodextrin, salt, Alex tell your sister to come downstairs it’s taco night — what do you mean she’s at Brian’s house? — rice, flour, onion powder, no we can’t eat in front of the TV we’re gonna dine as a family, dried tomato, malic acid, fine — if you don’t want to eat what’s being served, everyone can fend for themselves and watch this family fall apart, but if anyone wants to join me, I’ll be in the dining room enjoying tacos, disodium phosphate, paprika extract, take off that sombrero Alex, I will not be mocked! Oh, and potatoes.
• No! We can’t lose Rush! If he leaves, who will make fun of people with Parkinson’s? When the rest of us do it, it seems kind of mean.
• Words have power, they can hit you like a fist. Especially if you write them on your fist.
• Hahah, she is great. [G-R-A-T-E]
• [Instead of "Offensive Stereotype," "The Situation"]
• It seems like people still like the idea of health care. And why not, health + care. Those are just two positive words jammed together. [Like Cheeseburger + Pringle]
• And couldn’t breathing just be “oxygen addiction?” [Or Restless Lung Syndrome]
• Now who wants the Democrats to pull a legislative gang bang so rubber gloved ass probers can keep you from going to heaven? You know what? We might need health care, because you people are sick.
• Though I’m not sure I trust a public official who has to cut people open to see that they have arms and legs.
• The red circle represents my unquestioning support for the troops, and the blue circle represents my universal condemnation of anything gay, including but not limited to boxer briefs, Jersey Boys, smart cars and baby carrots.
• Yeah, that’s better, I like lady boobs. They got those, whatchacallit, those niblets on the front.
• This can mean only one of two things. Either he believes that respecting the integrity of my fellow humans is more important than my safety, or the pope is hiding something.
• Maybe the Pope doesn’t want to be scanned because he’s a lady. Think about it – he never wears pants, he loves his Prada pumps, and I’ve never seen him with a girlfriend. And I gotta say, as a man, he’s kind of spooky. But as a woman, those are some smokey come-hither eyes.
• Look, I’m not saying I want to be eaten. I’m just saying it’s nice to be asked.
• Our diet has practically made us a new species – Hoho sapiens.
• You must be going “Whee, let’s have a depression!”
• Are you saying that my beanbag chair is …. gay?
• I hate to tell you this, but this book is stuff.

• Episode 6039 (3/17/2010)
• Episode 6038 (3/16/2010)
• Episode 6037 (3/15/2010)
• Episode 6036 (3/11/2010)

EPISODE NUMBER: 6033 (March 8, 2010)
GUESTS: Ezra Klein, Tom Hanks
SEGMENTS: Best Foreign Language Film Category, Action Center: Health Care Bill, Tom Hanks interview (Parts 1 and 2), Sign Off – One Thought
VIDEOS: Monday, March 8, 2010

Greetings and salutations, all! I’m pinch-hitting for DB and I couldn’t get to the episode guide as quickly as she does — mea culpa — but since my doing the guide gave me an excellent excuse to watch the show repeatedly this morning, I hope you’ll allow me my good mood and overlook the tardiness.

Stephen starting off the show with his sound editor’s act of mutiny was brilliant, and I loved that he was able to segue from there into giving a shout out to Juan Campanella for his Oscar win. As some of your fellow Zoners noted, Campanella’s name might be familiar to attentive Strangers with Candy fans, as he directed a number of hilarious episodes. Congratulations again and again, Juan!

Ezra Klein was delightful, as always, and that graphic with Uncle Sam choking on the health care bill as blocked by Mitch McConnell’s head just cracked me up. I’m always amused by a “jam it down our throats” montage (because I’m silly like that), but there have been two of them on The Daily Show lately, so it was that graphic that really put me over the top and prompted the guffaw.

Of course, it was the Tom Hanks interviews that were my favorite parts of the show. It was a bit disorienting for Stephen to do a two-part interview segment, but he clearly enjoyed talking to Hanks so much, and there was a lot to talk about. Watching Stephen slip out of character a bit to thank Tom for Band of Brothers … so moving. I don’t have HBO so I don’t think I’ll be able to watch Hanks’s new series (yet), but I may just have to add another book to my reading list. Those battles in the Pacific were really something else, and I’m always impressed by the passion Hanks brings to his work. (And his ability to make people feel like “big fat pussies”. Hah!)

What did you all think of the episode?

• Last night, Nation, was Hollywood’s biggest strokefest: the Oscars. The one day a year when you have to give a crap what a sound editor does.
• The one thing I don’t understand is, why is there still an award for Best Foreign Language Film? I mean, listen to the winner, writer-director Juan Campanella. This clown’s up there jabbering in Argentinian. Lalalalalalala–empanada!
• Folks, you know the Democrats’ continuing health care fetish is threatening to destroy Congress. And that would come as quite a blow to the 10% of Americans who still approve of Congress.
• Up ’til now, folks, President Obama has shown the kind of leadership I admire in a Democrat: none.
• Those bold words reminded me of when FDR told our troubled nation: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. Unless … what do you guys think?”
• His voice really seemed to have changed. Folks, I’m afraid Obama is going through presidential puberty. And the Testicles-in-Chief have descended into Sack Force One.
• Yeah, don’t you know anything about football, Democrats? You don’t score touchdowns against the will of the opposing side. That’s mean! You give them back the ball, then they help you kick a field goal. And everyone gets ice cream. Just not heath care.
• You know, I enjoy your movies, you know I’m a fan. There is one pattern I’ve noticed in your movies … I’m not in any of them.
• Just make me the evil Pope in your next Dan Brown movie.
• When I think of World War II, I’m gonna think of Saving Private Ryan, you know? Because it really felt like I — in the theater — I was there, on Omaha Beach, but with a thirty-two ounce Diet Coke. You know? So … even better.
• Hanks: If you are anywhere between twenty-one and fifty-three, which I am … you will watch this series and feel like a big, fat pussy.
• I’ve got a bumper sticker on my car [Hanks: "Thank God!"] that says “War never solved anything except fascism and slavery.”

• Episode 6039 (3/17/2010)
• Episode 6038 (3/16/2010)
• Episode 6037 (3/15/2010)
• Episode 6036 (3/11/2010)

EPISODE NUMBER: 6032 (March 4, 2010)
GUESTS: Barry Schwartz
SEGMENTS: Stephen’s exclusive interview with Sean Hannity
VIDEOS: Thursday, March 4, 2010

This morning, I got up and started my guide at 6:30a and used the Comedy Central official full episode feed to watch the show for the episode guide. It was more frustrating than the Hulu feed, but it was doable. That gives me a bit of piece of mind.

Stephen’s magic show just cracked me up more than it probably should have. And at the end, where he was very obviously happy with the results, it made me laugh hardest of all. And Stephen’s grill would make Lil’ Jon proud.

I really enjoyed the interview with Barry Schwartz. Ironically, me buying his book is a most excellent example of the topic of the book. For weeks, I’ve been wanting to get an e-reader. I don’t have time to go to bookstores to get new books that I want to read (most of which I learn about on the show), and I certainly don’t have any more room on my bookshelves. So I’ve been seriously considering an e-reader. But which one do I get? Amazon has the most new books and good prices for those books, but the Nook and Sony e-readers have the most classic books for free. Amazon’s books are DRM, while Sony has the ability to “borrow” e-books from local libraries. The Nook has been reported to have a ton of glitches, but has almost the same amount of e-books as Amazon as well as the library of free classic books, and the prices for new books are comparable to Amazon. The Sony has the best quality screen of all the e-books according to the reviews I’ve read, but in checking the price of Barry’s book, “The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less”, the Sony e-reader’s price is 11% higher. Is this indicative of their entire pricing model? Plus in researching reviews for the different readers, there are claims that e-readers are going to make a huge jump in quality while making a huge drop in price in 2010. Do I go ahead and get one of the options that are available, or do I wait a few months to see if something better comes along? So here I sit, still totally confused as to which e-reader to buy. Does anyone have any recommendations based on personal experience?

So what did you guys think of this episode? And seriously, any advice or recommendations on an e-reader?

• Do you hear that? That is the sound of your country being destroyed. Okay, technically, that is the sound of my burrito being finished.
• I bet those aren’t even doctors. I bet they work at the Clinique counter.
• Parliamentary tricks. In other words … magic!
• They want it to disappear just like my eyebrows just did.
• I also do children’s parties.
• And that judgment was based on everywhere I went in Iraq, from the Taco Bell on the base, to the Cinnabon on the base.
• You see, Iraq’s vibrant democracy isn’t hampered by election laws that restrict how candidates can raise and spend money. They let the free market decide who’s the best man for the job. And that is usually the guy giving away free meat.
• Folks, this leftover tip, or as it is technically known, a reservoir tip, goes out to one Mr. James O’Keefe.
• That is perfectly easy to explain – it was casual pimp Friday. Besides, no grills.
• Joining me live, from stuff I could edit together, my friend Sean Hannity.
• Stephen Colbert: In fact, one of my bitches quit last night, and there’s a huge hardware convention in town this weekend, and I really need someone to, you know …
  Edited Sean Hannity: quote “Hang out with those rednecks?”
  Stephen Colbert: Yes, “hang out”.
• Hannity: “I need hooker boots and condoms.”
• If jeans are depressing, you’ve got a problem, buddy. There are lots of choices in pills out there.
• What flavor can we spray onto fried corn?

• Episode 6039 (3/17/2010)
• Episode 6038 (3/16/2010)
• Episode 6037 (3/15/2010)
• Episode 6036 (3/11/2010)