EPISODE NUMBER: 6040 (March 18, 2010)
GUESTS: Fr. James Martin, Mary Matalin
SEGMENTS: Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA
VIDEOS: Thursday, March 18, 2010

Greetings, Zoners — Nerdygirl here pinch-hitting for DB. There’s a whole other episode to recap for this week! You didn’t think we’d forgotten about it, did you?

Thursday’s show led us out to the break with some great segments and big laughs. I just about kvelled when I saw that adorable puppy, and then died laughing when Stephen suited him up in a little suicide bomber rig.

And of course we saw a return to Stephen’s conservative radio talk show, Colbert on the Ert. Man, I wish that was a real radio show. I would dial away from NPR in a heartbeat, and I’m a seriously committed fan (and supporter) of NPR. Father Jim, Colbert Report Chaplain, was on hand to discuss Glenn Beck’s most recent nuttiness, urging people to leave their chuch if it preaches social justice.

Cheating Death (my second favorite recurring segment, after Threat Down) made a triumphant return also. I want a Vax-Alert, the world’s first robotic pill case: “FEEL BETTER. FEEL BETTER. FEEL BETTER.” I feel better already! Thanks, Prescott Pharmaceuticals!

I loved Republican Talking Points Bingo with Mary Matalin — although it seemed to throw her off, because she was trying very hard not to say anything that might be on the card. Kinda tough without the talking points, isn’t it? But the best part was Stephen nailing her at the end by bringing up Donald Rumsfeld — all the same qualifications as Cheney, the same history, the same experience, the same failed foreign policy, but Rumsfeld (after resigning in disgrace in 2006) at least has the good grace to stay out of the Obama administration’s policies. Even Matalin herself had to give Stephen some kudos for that one.

Hope that will tide everyone through until the break is over. What was your favorite part of Thursday night’s show?

• Nation, we have a sleeper cell in our country and it’s sleeping at the foot of the bed. Fundamentalist Fidos have infiltrated our borders and are lifting their legs on Lady Liberty!
• (to adorable puppy) Listen up, Buster! You have been a very bad boy! I’m gonna have you shipped off to a secret CIASPCA kennel in Eastern Europe and they will make you speak.
• Looking forward to seeing everybody this weekend at the 5th Annual Charity Guns for Knives Swap at Parkerview Elementary. You bring in your old knives, we’ll give you a brand new gun!
• (Beck: “Social justice” and “economic justice” are code words.) Stephen: Yes, they are code words for helping people.
• I know when I think of Hitler and Stalin, I think of social justice.
• Stephen: If I help the poor, what’s in it for me? Why should I help the least of our brothers?
• Fr. Jim: Other than eternal salvation, you mean?
• Stephen: Yeah, yeah — what is my immediate payoff?
• Stephen: If Pope Benedict has to step down, do you think Glenn could be the next Pope? Because he certainly seems comfortable with telling Catholics what to do.

• Fr. Jim: Well, I think if he were, then I’d probably listen to his advice to leave the Church.
• Prescott: When you need a little helping hand, take our medicine and grow one out your neck.
• I’m just surprised it took BioSpecifics fifty years to inject this enzyme into a penis. That’s one of the first things I do with an unknown chemical. What else are summer interns for?
• Prescott discovered that Vaxagra vastly increases the size of your penis…’s toenail. “But Stephen,” you say, “my penis doesn’t have a toenail.” Thankfully, we have a cure for that now.
• Side effects of Vaxagra may include gluteal iPads, shin boners, and Jameson’s Irish Whiskers.
• While old people can be forgetful, they are great when it comes to setting up the internet, recognizing cell phone ring tones, and accessing voice mail messages.
• I don’t believe Jesus said “If you don’t work, you don’t eat.” I believe that was from Cool Hand Luke.
• I belive in your paraphrasing.
• Rahm and I are old friends. He kissed me once on this cheek and I can no longer hear out of this ear.
• You’ve done really well at not saying what everyone else says. You haven’t said much, though. You talk really slowly.
• Matalin: They’ll be for cross-state competition (Stephen marks off a Bingo square) — that’s Afghanistan! I can read upside down.
• Stephen: It’s the same thing.

• Episode 6039 (3/17/2010)
• Episode 6038 (3/16/2010)
• Episode 6037 (3/15/2010)
• Episode 6036 (3/11/2010)

EPISODE NUMBER: 6039 (March 17, 2010)
GUESTS: Nell Irvin Painter
SEGMENTS: Stephen Colbert’s Sport Report
VIDEOS: Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, everybody! There are certain parts of Stephen that I adore when “Stephen” allows him to take them over the top. One of them is his Catholicism, and another is his Irish heritage. And Stephen gets seriously Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. (If you haven’t watched “Faces of America”, you seriously need to do so, by the way.) Being Irish myself, I just love it when he gets all kinds of Irish. My Irish is a bit more removed than Stephen’s Irish, as I come from the Adair line of Cherokee Indians. Originally, there were only three Adair brothers who came to America from Ireland, and one took a Cherokee wife back in the 1700s, is where I believe the line started from.

There’s actually a very interesting story about the Adair name in my family. My brother and sister-in-law had a very whirlwind courtship and married after dating only two months. My mother went to visit her new daughter-in-law a few months after they were married. They were walking in downtown Van Buren, Arkansas, and saw a store selling a lot of native American art. My mom says to my sister-in-law, I love Indian art because I’m native American. My sister-in-law said, “Me too! What tribe?” My mother said, “Cherokee. What’s your maiden name?” My sister-in-law said, “Adair.” My mother said, “Wow! We’re Adairs too!” To which my sister-in-law replied, “Oh no! Don’t tell anyone! Everyone makes jokes about people in Arkansas marrying their cousins, and now I’ve gone off and done it!”

Okay, so back to the episode. I have to give a huge tip of the hat to the graphics department for their wonderful site gags tonight. While I loved the Second Jesus gag, the two basketball and scissors graphic was absolutely hysterical. (Yes, I’m 12.) And I have to hand it to the urologists, tying vasectomy healing to the beginning of March Madness is a stroke of genius.

I’ve never understood the paranoia that people have about the census. It tells the government how many people are in your area, which can bring government money and redistricting to get you better representation. Then again, I’m in Texas, where gerrymandering is not just a word but a way of life. It was good to see him hit the paranoia head on, especially with Michelle Bachman’s rants on it. Here’s hoping that she manages to dig her own grave with this one. I also loved the bit with the translated Telemundo. But then again, I love anything with a good cat fight.

While I enjoyed Nell Irvin Painter, I think Stephen came on a bit strong with her. I think she really riled him up with the Scotch-Irish comment and he just wasn’t able to back down after that to let her get a word in edgewise. I’m still wondering what the book is actually about myself. I did like the arm wrestling bit, and him tearing up his cards. But sometimes I really do want to hear what the guests have to say, and it’s frustrating when he railroads all over them.

What did you think about tonight’s episode? The shows this week started out struggling a bit, but are gaining steam as the week goes on. Here’s hoping for a nice, strong send off before the week-long break next week!

• That’s why four leaf clovers are so lucky. You get a bonus Jesus!
• I know we suffered a potato famine, but we can’t even grow a g_d damned weed?
• This thing is even luckier – it’s got five leaves. And the shamrock shakes that you make with it, while they taste terrible, you can’t stop drinking them.
• The more I drink these, the more I “get” Riverdance. It’s like we’re all dancing in a river.
• Last year, the final came down to North Carolina verses Spicy Pollo Rojo.
• Now March Madness can be March Nadless.
• Sounds like a pretty good deal, although personally I would prefer buffalo wings, because you can really drop the swelling by dropping your boys in a bowl of cool ranch.
• Chess boxing – it’s a natural fit. After all, kids on the chess team are generally familiar with viscous beat down.
• Or my personal favorite, the marriage of two ancient Japanese arts – Judoku.
• Nothing says health like a 28 inch neck and testicles that look like Raisinets.
• It’s like Uncle Sam has OCD – gotta lick every doorknob!
• They’re bringing back the Japanese internment camps! That’s why she keeps her eyes so round!
• Now that might sound offensive to descendants of actual slaves. To make sure he doesn’t offend minorities, Glenn Beck broadcasts at a frequency only white people can hear.
• That is one diablo MAS sabe!
• Painter: I have a PhD, am I white?
  Stephen: I don’t see education either.
• These are clearly worthless. These will get me nowhere over the next two hours.
• I am Default-American.

• Episode 6040 (3/18/2010)
• Episode 6038 (3/16/2010)
• Episode 6037 (3/15/2010)
• Episode 6036 (3/11/2010)

EPISODE NUMBER: 6038 (March 16, 2010)
GUESTS: Prof. Eric Foner, Rebecca Skloot
SEGMENTS: Stephen Colbert’s I’s On Edjukashun, Stephen Colbert’s Thought for Food
VIDEOS: Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Being a result of the Texas public school system, plus a History major from East Texas State University, I cannot express to you all my displeasure at what is going on with history textbooks in Texas. Stephen barely scratched the surface at the particular level of crazy that they did to the Texas history textbooks. I wish these nuts and the nuts who are turning the bible conservative would just sit quietly in a big room and wait it out until the Rapture comes.

And as God as my witness, I will never, ever have a web site where people can pay to watch me eat.

I really enjoyed the Rebecca Skloot interview. It was very interesting to hear the stories of the life of Henrietta Lacks, and what happened to her family. I know that MsInterpreted has raved about this book, and after seeing it, I’m definitely going to have to get a copy for my Nook.

What did you all enjoy about the episode? I mean, other than the faux striptease and that mesmerizing tie?

• Well, two can play at that game Barack “Joe”bama.
• I will see your taking off your jacket and raise you taking off my pants.
• Luckily like a good conservative, I always wear my underjacket. And my underpants.
• You see, Texas schoolboard decisions affect school systems across the country. That’s why most sex ed books have chapters on the reproductive system, abstinence, and how to castrate a steer.
• Board members removed any reference to Thomas Jefferson, author of the Declaration of Independence. You see, Jefferson coined the term “Separation of Church and State”. So Texas has coined the term Separation of Jefferson and History.
• Do you even know the name of North’s Fox news show? Neither do I, so I guess we both have a 90.
• They say that those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. But if you change what history was, doesn’t that solve that problem?
• I say reach for the stars with that stick you use to scratch your ankle.
• We can’t all be the world’s heaviest woman in the world. I gave up that dream a long time ago.
• That’s right – we Americans have so much food in this country that we’re letting our pets s#!t in it.
• Wow, so we’re talking a big woman.
• I have homeless cells?!

• Episode 6040 (3/18/2010)
• Episode 6039 (3/17/2010)
• Episode 6037 (3/15/2010)
• Episode 6036 (3/11/2010)