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Episode 5025 – R.A.P.S. (Awesome!)
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Good evening, Zoners! I’m so very happy the ‘Colbert Report’ is back with fresh shows. I missed our joy machine last week!
For me, the high points of this episode were the interviews with Father James Martin and Helen Fisher, and the return of the prayer hat and giant prayer hands. If I had realized that today was an official day of prayer for Stephen, I certainly would have been praying for him. Maybe my prayers could have stopped him from shooting that poor audience member. HAHAH!
Here are a few notable quotes:
- I look at the Oscar winners which, evidently, are being outsourced to India.
- Americans are flocking back to the flock and not just because Communion counts as a meal.
- You make God sound like an opportunistic virus.
- Bagel chips: Truly, they are the chosen snack.
- I should be more infused than a vodka soaked watermelon.
- Okay, I clearly did the wrong thing there. You people are not praying hard enough.
- It turns out Jackman is not just his name, it’s an order.
- Even I could never have predicted that Kate Winslet’s dad is Dick Cheney.
- Is this a breeding experiment? ‘Cause if you’re doing the matching, it sounds like a cult.
- I think I’m getting a little crush on me right now.
What did you think about this episode? As always, please feel free to share your thoughts with us in the comments. You may also wish to add a write-in vote for something not included in the poll.
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Klassic Kolbert – Episode 2007 (01/18/2006)
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Hey, Zoners! Have you missed ‘The Colbert Report’ as much as I have this week? I’m already looking forward to Monday night’s show. Just a few more days to go…
Tonight’s Klassic Kolbert episode is focused around a single theme: “A Colbert Report Special Report – The De-Edumacation of the American Brainscape.” It is a really fun one. I hope you enjoy it!
Here are some notable quotes:
- That story sullies the time honored dance teacher-student relationship. Nobody puts Baby in the corner, but more importantly, Mr. Swayze, nobody should put anything in Baby either.
- Take a look at this sentence right here: [Timmy and Me Went to the Store to Buy Milk.] Wouldn’t the correct grammar really be: [Timmy and Me and Jesus Went to the Store to Buy Milk.] Because Jesus is with Timmy and I wherever us go.
- You know, I had a public school education up until around first grade. Then I went to parochial schools. My parents were afraid my teachers weren’t talking about the Crucifixion enough.
- There’s nothing wrong with being gay. Some of my best friends are going to hell, but I say we don’t make them the gym teacher.
- On the other hand, evolution is a fraud perpetrated by the liberal elite to destroy Christianity. Jesus was not a monkey. I think they would have mentioned that somewhere in the Gospels.
- You know, my grandpa told me stories about how he used to walk six miles to school, where he would learn numbers with a piece of coal on the back of a shovel. And we’d laugh and steal his walker.
- The bully system teaches leadership skills to our dumb kids while encouraging our nerdy kids to get smarter so they may one day rise to the top of the corporate ladder, where they can crush those meat-heads who gave them all those purple-nurples by sending their jobs to China.
- Let’s face it, bullying is the American way. Just ask yourself – do you think little George W. Bush took it or dished it out? Instill those values in your children and they could grow up to be president.
Videos after the cut!
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Klassic Kolbert – Episode 4017 (02/04/2008)
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The string dance-off video from last night’s ‘Late Night with Conan O’Brien’ is so freaking hilarious, I thought it would be fun take a look back at the ‘Colbert Report’ episode that aired the night of the big feud between Conan O’Brien, Jon Stewart, and Stephen Colbert. As a bonus, I’ve included a few related ‘Daily Show’ videos. Please enjoy!
More videos after the cut!
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Klassic Kolbert – Episode 3061 (05/07/2007)
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The episode we are featuring tonight, was chosen by DB. There is a lot to love about this one: “The WØRD – The Intolerant,” a French speaking Stephen, Bobby dressed as a mime, the introduction of Cheating Death, and a great interview with Richard Preston. I hope you enjoy it!
Here are some notable moments:
- Well, Nation, we did it again. This past Sunday, the French people went to the polls and elected conservative, pro-American candidate Nicolas Sarkozy as their new President. We won! Yes! And I can’t help but think I had something to do with it, since I don’t pronounce the last ‘T’ in my name.
- Now, I’m not ashamed to say that I have a strict ‘no gay’ policy here. I weed ‘em out with a simple test. When I hire a guy, I show him a picture of a shirtless Matthew McConaughey. I ask if the applicant finds this picture hot. If he says, ‘Yes,’ I know he’s comfortable with his masculinity, and he’s hired. If he says, ‘No,’ then I know he’s just trying to cover up his gayness. ‘Cause I don’t care where you stable your pony, That’s a thoroughbred.
- James Dobson pointed out on his radio show just how bigoted this anti-bigotry law really is… This law could discriminate against conservative Christians, by taking away their right to discriminate against homosexuals. [Gay-Bashing Bashing]
- The pro-tolerance crowd is so hypocritical. They’re always going on about how Americans should be more accepting. But as soon as they’re asked to accept intolerance, they’re surprisingly intolerant. And you know who suffers? [Don Imus?] The intolerant.
- Before we begin, a disclaimer: I am not a medical doctor, I am a doctor of fine arts. Which means that if you take my advice, your body is in danger of becoming a masterpiece.
- But P.E. is about one thing: Being humiliated by your physically superior classmates. If gym has to have a video game, make it relevant, like ‘Awkward Showering with Peers Revolution.’
- WHAT – What the hell is your book about?! So far, all I can tell is that it’s enviro-porn! Any freaky three-way with a spotted owl in here, anything like that?
- Are you the Batman?
Videos after the cut!
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Klassic Kolbert – Episode 4065 (05/13/2008)
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The episode we are featuring tonight, was chosen for two reasons: the parody of Bill O’Reilly’s ‘Inside Edition’ meltdown and the gun lobby segment. Stephen’s imitation of Papa Bear’s tantrum never gets old! I find it as funny today as I did the night it originally aired on television. The gun control video is one of my favorites from the “Better Know a Lobby” series. It still amazes me that Stephen did such an effective job of helping the lobbyist prove his point while staying completely in character. I also love watching Stephen discard all of his weapons.
Here are a few notable quotes:
- I can hereby declare with great certainty and confidence, ladies and gentlemen, that the state of the Colbert Nation is strong.
- No, Clinton will not catch Obama in the popular vote. And yes, Obama now also leads in superdelegates. But, the contest will continue. And Nation, this is what the American people want. And I know that, because I read it today, in today’s The USA Today, which ran this headline: “Dems say let the contest continue,” just above this much smaller headline, “But more say Clinton should quit, poll shows.”
- Well done, The USA Today. Thank you for reminding us that this historic primary has not become a manufactured battle, reported long past its relevance in a bald-faced effort to sell newspapers. It is what the people want. Just not most of them.
- Despite efforts to limit the influence of special interests, there are over 35,000 lobbyists in Washington, D.C. A testament to the massive influence of the most powerful lobby of all: the Lobby Lobby.
- Tonight: the gun control lobby. The Fightin’ Pacifists! They may hate guns, but they have no problem blasting holes in the Constitution.
- The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed. You are talking about infringing, infringement. There is infringing going on… Infringe, infringe, infringe. Infringe, infringe, infringe, infringe, infringe… You might as well wear a fringe jacket.
- That’s like, just a card you’re playing to win an argument, as opposed to listening to the issues here, which is, “People want guns.” And if you say, “Hey, guns kill a lot of people. Look what happened at Virginia Tech; look what happened at Columbine; look at our leaders who’ve been assassinated; look at how many children are killed every year by playing with guns that were not locked properly; look at couples that kill each other; look how many people in individual families are murdered by members of their own family; look how more likely you are to be killed by a gun that you are keeping in your house than to be able to defend yourself; look how hard it is even for policemen to defend themselves when they are attacked by someone with a weapon…” I mean, I think people are tired of the “a lot of people have been killed by guns” card.
- I’m not saying your theory’s wrong, I’m saying that I reject it. Now defend it.
Please Enjoy!!! Videos after the cut!
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Episode 5024 – R.A.P.S. (Awesome!)
Posted by: | CommentsHey, Zoners! What did you think about this episode of ‘The Colbert Report?’ Was there a specific moment or joke that you particularly liked? I thought the interview with Adam Gopnik was very interesting. I also enjoyed the farewell to Conan O’Brien, but the highlight of the show for me was definitely the segment with Ed Colbert. I really liked his on camera personality and it was fun watching Stephen interact with him.
Here are a few memorable quotes from tonight’s show:
- You know what Abe here needs? A little fun. Oh my God! Oh my God! … He was a unicorn. Mary Todd wasn’t crazy after all!
- My gut tells me everybody is right. I haven’t been this confused since the last time I watched ‘Wheel of Fortune.’
- Hey, I’m talking to my brother!
- I’m not a public figure? … I did run for office. Have you ever watched this show?
- Stephen Colbert: Who do you really think is right? Ed Colbert: Who’s paying me?
- John F. Kennedy. Oh my God! It was suicide!
- Darwin drove a stake through God’s heart with his words.
- I’m going to mention that to my wife tonight. Honey, I’m very tolerant of your beliefs.
- Hi! I didn’t see you there because TV only works in one direction.
Please feel free to leave a comment or add a write-in vote for something not included in the poll.
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Episode 5023 – R.A.P.S. (Awesome!)
Posted by: | CommentsWasn’t this a great episode of ‘The Colbert Report?’ I enjoyed every segment tonight! I get so excited when Rep. Eleanor Holmes Norton appears on TCR. She and Stephen are always funny together and you can tell that they geniunely like and respect each other.
The Glenn Beck segment was hilarious! I see that I’m not missing much by refusing to watch the Fox News Channel. I also liked the joke about the mother of the octuplets. I was thrilled that Stephen mentioned her because I had been twittering about her situation right before the show started.
Here are a few notable quotes:
- Shhh! Don’t tell that octuplets woman it’s available.
- Our Founding Fathers were complete douche bags whose words must be followed. Hands tied.
- She is like a fly that keeps on buzzing no matter how many times you swat it away.
- I generally am the one who manipulates my audience.
- I do not swallow ma’am.
- So genetics is bullsh*t is what you’re saying.
- Just do what your dog tells you. It worked for Son of Sam.
- Nation, Glenn Beck is going unappreciated in his time.
What where the high points of this episode for you? Please share your thoughts with us in the comments.
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Episode 5022 – R.A.P.S. (Awesome!)
Posted by: | CommentsSo, Zoners, what did you think about this episode of ‘The Colbert Report?’ For me, the highlight of the show was “The Wørd: Loyal Opposition.” I also enjoyed the Shout Out! segment. I got a kick out of Stephen’s character breaks. He never seemed quite ready for that graphic did he?
Here are a few notable quotes:
- Visa: It’s everywhere you want to be, unless that place is a Jimmy Buffett concert.
- It’s a coin toss – If people still had coins.
- I don’t ever want to stop somebody applauding me.
- Not Maine! Then where would we get our deodorant that doesn’t work?
- Grand Old Pity Party
- That would be offensive. [Not As Much As 'Barack The Magic Negro']
- Bill Kristol Meth
- To the victor goes the spoiled economy.
- That is pharmaceutical grade hive jive.
- ‘Hotties of the Persian Gulf’ calendar
Please feel free to leave a comment or add a write-in vote for something not included in the poll.
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