A Colbert Christmas - The Greatest Gift of All!Songs featured in “A Colbert Christmas –
The Greatest Gift Of All!”

DVD Extras

Another Christmas Song
Sung by: Stephen Colbert

Ho! It’s another Christmas song
Whoa! Get ready brother for another Christmas song
They play for a month, Ad infinitum
One day it struck me someone must write ‘em
So! It’s another Christmas song

Santa Claus singing on naughty snow
Reindeer ringing in the mistletoe
The manger’s on fire,
The holly’s a-glow
Hear the baby Jesus cryin’ ho ho ho

Hey! It’s another Christmas song
Yay! Another oft’ returning
Royalty earning Christmas song
I’ve got plenty more so go buy a modem
Log on to iTunes and pay to download ‘em
Pay! For another Christmas song

Chestnuts glisten on a silent night
Sleigh-bells kissing by candle light
The tree is frozen, the winter’s bright
Who’d have thought the wise men look so white

You! Don’t you wanna sing along?
To! My humble yule tide
Dreamed up pool side
Christmas song
Make it a part of your holiday canon
Make it the heart of my retirement plannin’
Do! Sing another Christmas song

Beat it into ‘em fellows!
Watch my feet fly!

But wait! Who’s this?

Young ones starving on a dead-end street
Taped up tabloids on their frost-bit feet
Hear what they carol as they huddle for heat

Children: Please help the Colbert Children eat

Whoa! Just another Christmas song
No! This is like no other Christmas-mother-lovin’-song
Public to whom I’m so proud to have pandered
Please save my family and make this a standard
Go! Join the ever-growing throng
Who are singing
And swingin’
While my kids are clinging to the hope
My register’s ching-ching chinging from the cash I’m bringing
From another Christmas song
Copyright Stephen Colbert!

A Colbert Christmas: Another Christmas Song — Stephen writes another oft-returning, royalty-earning Christmas song.

Have I Got A Present For You
Sung by: Toby Keith

I can’t believe what Christmas has come to today
All these atheists and judges trying to take it away
No carols in our public schools, no trees in City Hall
And they wish you Season’s Greetings at the shopping mall
Ain’t you sick of it all?

Well, there’s a war on Christmas, it’s under attack
But this year America’s taking it back
Separate church and state, that’s what some lawyer said
I say it’s time we separated him from his head
You can call me un-Christian but that’s not true
‘Cause have I got a present for you
It’s the though that counts

Christmas is as American as apple pie
It’s a late December version of the Fourth of July
And they may go by a different name
But Uncle Sam and Santa Claus are one and the same
So boys take aim

Well, there’s a war on Christmas, it’s under attack
But this year America’s taking it back
Separate church and state, that’s what some liberal said
I say it’s time we separated him from his head
You can call me un-Christian but that’s not true
Buddy I got a present for you
I hope it’s the right size

Oh say can you see this Christmas
Baby Jesus ’tis of thee
I’m placing 50 shining stars atop
The Statue of Liber-Tree
Then I’ll go and jingle the Liberty Bell
Post Old Glory with an elf
And if you say I can’t deck my halls
Then I’ll deck you myself

Well, there’s a war on Christmas it’s under attack
Hey, this year Old Saint Nicholas is taking it back
He’s firing guns from his reindeer, dropping bombs from his sled
This year if you were naughty, you’re as good as dead
He wears red and white, and you can throw in blue
And has he got a present for you
And St. Toby has got one too
Yeah, we got a present for you
As in the ACLU

Easy Rudolph, down boy

A Colbert Christmas: Toby Keith Sings — Toby Keith has a remedy for the War on Christmas.

The Little Dealer Boy
Sung by: Stephen Colbert and Willie Nelson

Willie: I have no money in my coffer
No gold or silver do I bring
Nor have I precious jewels to offer
To celebrate the new born king
Yet do not spurn my gift completely
Oh ye three wise men please demur
Behold a plant that smokes more sweetly
Than either Frankincense or Myrrh
And like the child born in this manger
This herb is mild yet it is strong
And it brings peace to friend and stranger
Good will to men lies in this bong

Willie: And now my wonder weed is flaring
Stephen: Are you high?
Willie: Looked like that special star above
Stephen: Can it be?
Willie: Pass it around in endless sharing
Stephen: On Christmas day
Willie: And let not mankind bogart love
Stephen: You’d smoke my tree

Willie: And the wise men started toking
And ye the bud was kind
It was salvation they were smoking
And its forgiveness blew their mind

Willie: And still that wonder weed is flaring
Stephen: Are you high?
Willie: Looked like that was once above
Stephen: You’re so high
Willie: Pass it around in endless sharing
Stephen: Dude, man, dude
Willie: And let not mankind bogart love
Stephen: You’re really high, I’m going to tell your Savior

Willie: And let not mankind bogart love

A Colbert Christmas: Willie Nelson Sings — Willie Nelson tells the story of a plant that smokes more sweetly than either frankincense or myrrh.

Can I Interest You In Hannukah?
Sung by: Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart

Jon: Can I interest you in Hannukah?
Maybe something in a Festival of Lights
It’s a sensible alternative to Christmas
And it lasts for seven -for you – eight nights.
Stephen: Hanukkah huh? I’ve never really thought about it.
Jon: Well, you could do worse.

Stephen: Is it merry?
Jon: It’s kind of merry
Stephen: Is it cheery?
Jon: It’s got some cheer
Stephen: Is it jolly?
Jon: Look, I wouldn’t know from jolly.
But it’s not my least unfavorite time of year.

Stephen: When’s it start?
Jon: The 25th
Stephen: Of December?
Jon: Kislev
Stephen: When is when exactly?
Jon: I will check
Stephen: Are there presents?
Jon: Yes, indeed 8 days of presents
Which means one nice one, then a week of dreck.

Stephen: Does Hanukkah commemorate events profound and holy? A king who came to save the world?
Jon: No, oil that burned quite slowly
Stephen: Well, it sounds fantastic!
Jon: There’s more

Jon: We have latkes
Stephen: What are they?
Jon: Potato pancakes. We have dreidels
Stephen: What are they?
Jon: Wooden tops. We have candles
Stephen: What are they?
Jon: THEY ARE CANDLES!
And when we light them, oh the fun it never stops.

What do you say, Stephen, do you want to give Hanukkah a try?
Stephen: I’m trying see me as a Jew
I’m trying even harder
But I believe in Jesus Christ
So it’s a real non-starter

Jon: I can’t interest you in Hanukkah? Just a little bit?
Stephen: No thanks I’ll pass. I’ll keep Jesus, you keep your potato pancakes. But I hope that you enjoy ‘em on behalf of all of the goyim.
Jon: Be sure to tell the Pontiff, my people say Good Yontif.
Stephen: That’s exactly what I’ll do
Both: Happy holidays, you
Jon: too!
Stephen: Jew!

Jon: Too?

A Colbert Christmas: Jon Stewart — Jon Stewart tries to interest Stephen in a festival of lights.

Nutmeg
Sung by: Stephen Colbert and John Legend

John:Nutmeg, Sweet sweet Nutmeg
On the 25th I’m cover you with
My nutmeg, Ooh, my sweet brown nutmeg
Girl, don’t make me beg
I want to nog your egg, yes I do

Girl, I’m going to rock you like a cradle
You lick the nutmeg off my ladle
It’s pure, it’s refined
And it’s ready to grind

It’s my nutmeg, you need my nutmeg
I’ll sprinkle your Christmas cream with my spice supreme

Stephen: What about allspice?
John: You know it leaves me cold as ice
Stephen: Cinnamon?
John: Don’t even think of putting that stuff in
Stephen: Cardamom?
John: That won’t let me drop my love bomb

No cocoa, no cloves, no vanilla, no mace
The only residue I want you wiping off your face is my nutmeg
Ooh, ooh, ooh, Nutmeg
You’ll be happy that you ate it, yes you will
So grab my seed and grate it net
It’s my nutmeg [it's his nutmeg], my nutmeg [his sweet nutmeg]
Na na na na na na na, nutmeg, ooh my nutmeg

A Colbert Christmas: John Legend — John Legend sings about his sweet, sweet nutmeg.

Please Be Patient
Sung by: Feist

Angels soaring through the air
as they did in Bethlehem
Angels answer every prayer
once they get around to them
Please be patient, an angel will be with thee shortly

Due to increased prayer amounts
Seraphim will have delays
Servicing thy prayer accounts
For the next five million days
Please be patient, an angel will be with thee shortly

Please continue thee to hold
All thy ills will be relieved
Every human grief consoled
In the order’ twas received
Please be patient, an authorized prayer technician will be with thee shortly
Or to save thee time, wait for the chime

A Colbert Christmas: Feist Sings — An angelic Feist puts Stephen and his prayers on hold.

(What’s So Funny ’bout) Peace, Love And Understanding
Sung by: Stephen Colbert, Elvis Costello, Feist, Toby Keith, John Legend and Willie Nelson

Stephen: As I walk through
This wicked world
Searching for light in the darkness of insanity

I ask myself
Is all hope lost?
Is there only pain and hatred, and misery? ohhhh

Bear (Elvis Costello): And each time I feel like this inside
There’s one thing I wanna know
Stephen and Bear (Elvis Costello): What’s so funny bout peace love & understanding?
What’s so funny bout peace love & understanding?

Toby: And as I walked on
Through troubled times
Feist: My spirit gets so downhearted sometimes
Willie: So where are the strong

John: And who are the trusted?
Bear (Elvis Costello): And where is the harmony?
Sweet harmony.

ALL: ‘Cause each time I feel it slipping away, just makes me wanna cry.
What’s so funny ’bout peace love and understanding? ohhhh
What’s so funny ’bout peace love and understanding?

A Colbert Christmas: Peace, Love and Understanding — The cast of A Colbert Christmas sings “(What’s So Funny ‘Bout) Peace, Love and Understanding.”

There Are Much Worse Things To Believe In
Sung by: Stephen Colbert and Elvis Costello

Elvis: There are cynics, there are skeptics
There are legions of dispassionate dyspeptics
Who regard this time of year as a maudlin insincere
Cheezy crass commercial travesty of all that we hold dear
Stephen: When they think that
Well, I can hear it
But I pity them their lack of Christmas spirit
For in a world like ours, take it from Stephen
There are much worse things to believe in.

Elvis: A redeemer and a savior, an obese man giving toys for good behavior
Stephen: The faith in what might be and the hope that we might see
The answer to all sorrow in a box beneath the tree
Find them foolish
Elvis: Sentimental
Stephen: Well you’re clearly none too bright
Both: so we’ll be gentle
Stephen: Don’t even try to start vaguely conceiving
Both: Of all much worse things to believe in

Stephen: Believe in the judgment, believe in Jihad
Believe in a thousand variations on a dark and spiteful god
Elvis: You’ve got your money, you’ve got your power
You’ve got your science, and all the planets going to end within the hour
Stephen: You’ve got your dreams that don’t come true
Elvis: You’ve got the ones that do
Stephen: Then you’ve got your nothing
Both: Some folks believe in nothing
But if you believe in nothing
Then what’s to keep the nothing from coming for you

Stephen: Merry Christmas, Happy New Year
Now if you’ll forgive me there’s a lot to do here
There are stockings still unhung
Colored lights I haven’t strung
Elvis: And a one-man four-part Christmas carol waiting to be sung
Stephen: Call me silly, call me sappy
Call me many things, the first of which is happy
You doubt, but you’re sad
I don’t, but I’m glad
Both: I guess we’re even
Stephen: At least that’s what I believe in
Both: And there are much worse things

A Colbert Christmas: Colbert/Costello Duet — Stephen Colbert and Elvis Costello tell us there are much worse things to believe in than Christmas.

Cold, Cold Christmas
Sung by: Stephen Colbert

I want a cold cold Christmas
I hope it’s 20 below
Let a winter storm bury all that’s warm
In a bone-chilling blanket of snow
Thought you would love me forever
Turns out you wanted to part
Now I want a cold cold Christmas
To go with your cold cold heart

Oh I want a cold cold Christmas
One that’s bitter and barren and bleak
Where the weather’s foul and the west winds howl
And the sun doesn’t shine for a week
You hung up my heart like a stocking
Then went and stuffed it with coal
Now I want a cold cold Christmas
To gnaw at the depths of your soul

I’ll be alone this Christmas
You’d think it would cut like a knife
But I’m numb inside cause a part of me’s died
From the frostbite you spread on my life

[Spoken]
Darlin’, Christmas with you, I used to love it so
We’d trade presents and kiss beneath the mistletoe
I said I loved you, and you said you loved me too
Remember, I said I loved you, and you said you loved me too?
Those days are over now but I still want you to know
Even though I’m not the one you’ll be kissin’ beneath that mistletoe
I’ll be thinking of you every minute on this day of love and cheer
And every minute of every other day of the year

I’m serious.

So cold that it pierces your body
So cold that it hurts every breath
In fact I wouldn’t mind if you woke up to find
Your new man had frozen to death

So go have a cold cold Christmas
A blustery landscape of pain
Though I’m warm in my skin
I’m still snowed in
By the blizzard that fell in my brain

Only a week until New Year
That’s when I’ll make a new start
But first comes a cold cold Christmas
To go with your cold cold heart

. . . your frozen, nasty heart

Jingle Man, Christmas Boy
Sung by: Stephen Colbert

Oh, Jingle man, Christmas boy
Fighting crime with toys
Catching smugglers in New York and thieves in Illinois, oh
Jingle man, Christmas boy
Fighting crime with toys
Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho

Dashing through the town
In a one-horse Escalade
Hunting criminals down
Punching all the way, PUNCH! PUNCH! PUNCH!
Helping the police
Eating candy canes
Wearing polar fleece
And an umbrella if it rains

Oh, Jingle man, Christmas boy
Fighting crime with toys
Catching smugglers in New York and thieves in Illinois, oh
Jingle man, Christmas boy
Fighting crime with toys
Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho

Dashing through the snow
In a pizza delivery van
Over the streets they go
Hitting pedestrians, Just kidding!
Never doing drugs
Calling their grandmas
Giving lots of hugs to
Everyone who needs a hug

Oh, Jingle man, Christmas boy
Fighting crime with toys
Silver bells and do be do
I lost my train of thought … ROCK LOBSTER!
Jingle man, Christmas boy
Fighting crime with toys
Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho

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