EPISODE NUMBER: 6153 (December 3, 2010)
GUESTS: David Stockman
SEGMENTS: John Thune Looks Presidential, The WØRD – The Great White Wail, The Blitzkrieg On Grinchitude – Atheist Billboard & Capitol Christmas Tree
VIDEOS: Thursday, December 2, 2010
Tonight’s episode guide is written by guest blogger and Zoner Lori E. Make sure to follow Lori on Twitter!
Well, once again Zoners, we find ourselves at the end of yet another broadcast week of The Colbert Report. I know, I know. Try to stay brave. Does anyone else ever feel like Thursdays are the end of a really great date that you just don’t want to be over with yet? Like you want to suggest we all go out to the all-night diner around the corner, and watch the sun rise over pancakes and really bad coffee? Only, we won’t mind how bad the coffee is because it’ll be a charming part of the story we tell our grandchildren one day. Or is that just me?
Having said that, let’s dish about tonight’s rendezvous, shall we? Oh yes, we’re going to laugh and tell, because we Zoners are cool like that. First up, we learned that European gambling sites like InTrade and BetFair are already laying odds on who will be the Republican nominee for President in 2012. Interestingly enough, in third place is South Dakota Senator, John Thune. Why? Presumably based on the fact that, according to Politico, “…he looks like a President.” Don’t discount this logic, kids. After all, it might explain some nominations on BOTH sides of the aisle. Personally, based on this criteria, my vote would have to go to either Senator Guy-Who-Came-with-the-Picture-Frame, or Governor Guy-on-the-Just-for-Men-Box. Sorry, Congressman Viagra-Website-Model, but I’m just not confident your mind would always be on the betterment of our country. However, we did have Bill Clinton…
Congress’ settlement of the $4.6 billion Pigford claim brought us to yet another favored segment, The WØRD. I always love that the characterization of the bullet-points seems to be a rather exasperated partner of “Stephen’s”. Tonight, the beleaguered bullet-points had much to say as the Commander-in-Chief of the Colbert Nation bemoaned the fact that as a European male, he is part of the most persecuted minority – the majority. And he is not alone in his complaint. Enter Iowa Representative, and vacant stare record-holder, Steve King, who was shown expostulating (don’t you just love thesaurus apps?) on the floor of the House, referring to Barack Obama as “…very, very urban.” Rep. King went on to imply that as a Senator, Obama introduced the legislation that created a whole new Pigford claim, simply to get minority votes for his 2008 Presidential bid. Then of course, the topic of white, male oppression wouldn’t be complete without hearing from Chief Sweats-Like-a-Hog, Rush Limbaugh. The porcine pundit’s contribution the the conversation was that Native Americans are to blame for all the deaths due to lung cancer in this country, because, after all, it was them who introduced smoking tobacco to the white people. Representative Corn-packer and Chief Sweltering Swine are right! This claim was nothing more than reparations made to people who unjustly claim discrimination. After all, what did we do, other than introduce a multitude of diseases to a people, killing off millions, then steal their sacred lands and treat them like 4th class citizens since the dawning of American history? Or, kidnap people from their native lands, bring them here and force them to work in deplorable conditions with violence, then continue to persecute them for another 100 years? I mean who is the REAL victim here? That’s right Nation…it’s Stephen! Shame on you Congress, for continuing to be a contention for the CEO of our CN!
Next, Stephen launched his annual counter-attack to the War on Christmas, The Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude. Our own Stephen Claus is tired of people forgetting that this season is about Jesus Christ, and the sacrifices that He made for all man-kind, including the ultimate one, having His birthday on Christmas, thus cutting His gift total in half. It seems atheists have erected a billboard outside the Lincoln Tunnel, featuring a silhouette of the nativity with the words, “You KNOW it’s a MYTH.” Not to be outdone, the Catholic League has erected a “counter-punch” billboard at the other end of the Lincoln Tunnel that says, “You KNOW it’s real. This Season, Celebrate Jesus.” Who knew that the Lincoln Tunnel was the most sacred place in all of the New York and New Jersey? I mean, I know Sully was able to make a plane seemingly walk on the water in the Hudson River, but really?? Also, we discovered that the Capitol Christmas Tree has it’s own Twitter account – @TrackTheTree. That’s right, a Twitter account for yet another inanimate object. Glad to see that the Congressional Twitter accounts aren’t alone.
Thursday’s interview was with David Stockman, Pres. Ronald Reagan’s former Budget Director. When Stephen has a guest on that is an expert in the field of economics, it’s always fascinating, and last night’s show was no exception. Mr. Stockman likened the last 30 years in America to a party, “…like none other in history,” further saying that it is time for the country to, “…sober up.” It never ceases to amaze me that in the past 30 years, we have grown our National debt from $1 trillion dollars to $14 trillion. This type of growth is great if you’re talking about a Sequoia tree, but not a debt for our country. That is alarming! In Stockman’s words, “We are burying our children and our grandchildren in this debt, and it needs to stop.”
While Mr. Stockman was making some good points, he seemed to want to be more amusing than serious, at times. I must admit, I really enjoy when “Stephen’s” guests do this, because it gives us a chance to see Stephen a bit more. He has always shown his viewers just how incredibly knowledgeable he is on a plethora of subjects, and did not disappoint his faithful last night. As usual, Colbert was able to draw out the information he sought, while allowing his guest to have a little fun and laugh. Stephen has oft times referred to the Report as a joy-machine and it’s obvious he wants to let his guests partake of the joy as well. After all, what is “edu-tainment”, without the “tainment”? It would just be “edu”, which sounds like a really boring color to paint your walls.
What did all of you love most about the show? Leave it in the comments!
- NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life. Unfortunately, it won’t date them either.
- He is so unknown, that he doesn’t even come up in games of “Name That Thune.”
- Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour is 9th in InTrade’s list for GOP candidates, but 1st on their list for Racist Sheriff / BBQ Champion.
- The GOP should definitely look for more candidates who have “Presidentseemingness…”
- This year, I’m putting extra Christ in there, by wishing everybody a Merry Christ Christmas Christ.
- A myth? What part of three kings following a star through the desert to bring presents to an immaculately conceived baby-God they dreamt of sounds like a myth to you? There’s no Minotaur in there!
- Come out? He’s not just trying to make us atheists! He’s trying to make us GAY-theists!
- Yes! Just like Jesus says, if someone slaps you on the cheek, COUNTER-PUNCH!
- These provocative billboards competing for drivers’ attention have led the Tunnel Authority to put up a billboard of their own, “Jesus Christ, look where you’re driving!”
- That lighting ceremony will be presided over by Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, who will finally meet something that can out-blink her.
- Good morning sun! It’s my 234th birthday. Oh, look, some lumberjacks are coming to help me celebrate. Oh God! They’re hacking at my shins!
- So cold. Sap everywhere. They’re chaining me to a truck. Tell my pine cones that I love them.
- They’re dressing me up in tinsel and lights like a cheap whore, and they’re making the children watch. Oh, I’m sorry. That last tweet was from Kim Kardashian.
- You knew Reagan. Did you have to wear sunscreen around the guy? Did he ever split logs with his bare hands in the middle of a cabinet meeting? Is it true that he and Tip O’Neill used to wrestle bare-chested over legislation?
- OK, afterwards. Perhaps over a potato.