Top 10 Funniest Lines from the Rally to Restore Sanity And/Or Fear

The Rally to Restore Sanity And/Or Fear had some extremely memorable moments from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, as well as their many colorful guests. Here are ten of the best lines from the rally, with video!

1) If you’re feeling loose, and you’re feeling ready, we’re going to unleash 20 million pounds of meat onto the mall all at once.
Adam Savage of “Mythbusters”, trying to cause an earthquake at the National Mall before the Rally


2) “You know, God, we’ve only got the permit till 3 o’clock …”
Fr. Guido Sarducci [Don Novello], asking for a sign from God about which religion is right.


3) The Greatest Poem Ever Written
Sam Waterston, reading a poem written by Stephen Colbert the night before the rally

Are You Sure
Copyright 2010, by the Reverend Sir Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA

Did you hear that? No? You’re probably going deaf.
It’s your kids back home cooking up some crystal meth.
Did you turn off the oven? Did you set the alarm?
They still haven’t caught the man with one arm.

Look around at these people How safe do you feel?
Your car when you parked, did you lock it?
Thinking reasonably now, what are the odds
that no one here is a pick-pocket?

That guy who just coughed down your neck, could he have an infection?
The restaurant where you went to brunch, did it fail its health inspection?
A mad man could set loose a virus for which there isn’t a cure.
And while these things may be unlikely, ask yourself, are you sure?

And can you be sure that you won’t get ebola from a tainted diet cola?
Toxic waste or getting chased by a bearded Ayatollah.
Funnel clouds inhale, anthrax in the mail.
Your lover will discover your vestigial tail.
Someone’s robbing your house. I can see through your blouse.
Your mother was right, you chose the wrong spouse.

Unlabeled Drano, tornadoes, torpedoes,
The horrible sights of some Guidos in Speedos.
STD’s, PCB’s SUVs, UV Lights
A giant pimple on your face, you have a date tonight.
Chocking on a biscotti, being whacked by John Gotti,
Getting trapped overnight in a full port-o-potty.

And I have a final fear to drop in bucket about a friend of a friend of the man from Nantucket.

There once was a man from Eau Claire
Who no one was able to scare
He wouldn’t join panics
about the Hispanics
And later he was killed by a bear
(True story)


4) Somebody pull the emergency brake on that rainbow moonbeam choo-choo!
Stephen Colbert, refusing to get on the peace train


5) Each recipient today will receive this handsome bronze fear medal depicting a naked man running with scissors. Now each medal contains the inscription “Cave ne sit cadmium,” which means “Warning: may contain cadmium.”
Stephen Colbert, describing the Fearie medal


6) Yes, but I’m still employed!
Jon Stewart, singing with Stephen Colbert in “I’m More American Than You”


7) If Eve had just had a healthy fear of snakes, she would not have eaten that apple, and cursed us with original sin. Then I’d be able to walk around naked everywhere, instead of just my bathroom, my living room, and participating Burger Kings.
Stephen Colbert, during “Formidable Opponent”

8) Of course, the Corbamite maneuver! Season one, Episode ten, the one where Lt. Uhura wore a command uniform but with a science badge!
Jon and Stephen in unison, during “Formidable Opponent”


9) Will This Help? Will This Help?
John Oliver, trying to chant to bring Jon Stewart back to life, even though he wasn’t dead.


10) There are terrorists, and racists, and Stalinists, and theocrats, but those are titles that must be earned! You must have the resume! Not being able to distinguish between real racists and Tea Party-ers, or real bigots and Juan Williams or Rick Sanchez is an insult–not only to those people, but to the racists themselves, who have put in the exhausting effort it takes to hate.
Jon Stewart, in his closing statement


  1. DB! Thanks so much for transcribing the poem. Mwah!! :D

  2. I need an excuse to use the phrase “rainbow moonbeam choo-choo” in daily conversation. Probably my favorite line of the whole show.

    I love that the poem wasn’t just a throwaway, that it still shines in repeated readings. The tone of it kind of reminds me of Billy Collins – I could totally imagine him reading it. Kudos to Stephen for that bit of writing (and Sam Waterston for the inspired delivery)!

  3. SO MUCH LOVE for all of these. Especially the Epic Battle of the Train Songs, the Mythbusters, the Fearies, and the duet! Oh, and especially John Oliver- oh, hell, especially all of it.

    But I humbly submit Jon’s “Pumpkin-assed forehead eyeball monster” as a contender for funniest line.

  4. Wow, great summary, thanks! Just FYI, I posted a transcription of Jon’s final speech here if anyone wants it (it’s the bottom post on the page):

  5. So many funny lines! I too particularly loved Sam’s performance of Stephen’s hysterical poem. As an L & O fan I get the feeling that Sam relishes any chance to be truly funny, and he certainly delivered.

    Oh, and Stephen and Jon going OT about the Corbonite Maneuver was so cute. (I’m a Trek fan also)

    And the Mythbusters and Father Sarducci were great as well. So many fun moments.

  6. Thanks for putting all these up. It’s so hard to choose a favorite. I’m also glad to have the words to the poem. It’s just inspired, as was Sam Waterston reading it. I loved when they introduced him, and we got the sound “Dun dun!”, Bwah!

    The train battle was amazing. I’m not a huge Ozzie fan, but I adore Cat Stevens (Yusef), and the OJays. That whole thing was brilliant.

    And a benediction by Father Guido Sarducci! I’ve always loved him (formerly of SNL – years ago). I was kind of waiting for a flock of geese or something. His little ramblings with God (just use your imagination – oh, why am I telling you), just cracked me up.

    Our guys went to so much trouble to put together this amazing Rally. They even got the Porta-potties! All the stars that performed were great, and so varies. Oh, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar! :-)

    Thank you, DB, a zillion times for going, and for putting all this up here for us. I watched almost live on Saturday. It was just beyond great!

  7. Thank you for those clips!

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