The Rally to Restore Sanity And/Or Fear had some extremely memorable moments from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, as well as their many colorful guests. Here are ten of the best lines from the rally, with video!
1) If you’re feeling loose, and you’re feeling ready, we’re going to unleash 20 million pounds of meat onto the mall all at once.
Adam Savage of “Mythbusters”, trying to cause an earthquake at the National Mall before the Rally
2) “You know, God, we’ve only got the permit till 3 o’clock …”
Fr. Guido Sarducci [Don Novello], asking for a sign from God about which religion is right.
3) The Greatest Poem Ever Written
Sam Waterston, reading a poem written by Stephen Colbert the night before the rally
Are You Sure
Copyright 2010, by the Reverend Sir Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA
Did you hear that? No? You’re probably going deaf.
It’s your kids back home cooking up some crystal meth.
Did you turn off the oven? Did you set the alarm?
They still haven’t caught the man with one arm.
Look around at these people How safe do you feel?
Your car when you parked, did you lock it?
Thinking reasonably now, what are the odds
that no one here is a pick-pocket?
That guy who just coughed down your neck, could he have an infection?
The restaurant where you went to brunch, did it fail its health inspection?
A mad man could set loose a virus for which there isn’t a cure.
And while these things may be unlikely, ask yourself, are you sure?
And can you be sure that you won’t get ebola from a tainted diet cola?
Toxic waste or getting chased by a bearded Ayatollah.
Funnel clouds inhale, anthrax in the mail.
Your lover will discover your vestigial tail.
Someone’s robbing your house. I can see through your blouse.
Your mother was right, you chose the wrong spouse.
Unlabeled Drano, tornadoes, torpedoes,
The horrible sights of some Guidos in Speedos.
STD’s, PCB’s SUVs, UV Lights
A giant pimple on your face, you have a date tonight.
Chocking on a biscotti, being whacked by John Gotti,
Getting trapped overnight in a full port-o-potty.
And I have a final fear to drop in bucket about a friend of a friend of the man from Nantucket.
There once was a man from Eau Claire
Who no one was able to scare
He wouldn’t join panics
about the Hispanics
And later he was killed by a bear
4) Somebody pull the emergency brake on that rainbow moonbeam choo-choo!
Stephen Colbert, refusing to get on the peace train
5) Each recipient today will receive this handsome bronze fear medal depicting a naked man running with scissors. Now each medal contains the inscription “Cave ne sit cadmium,” which means “Warning: may contain cadmium.”
Stephen Colbert, describing the Fearie medal
6) Yes, but I’m still employed!
Jon Stewart, singing with Stephen Colbert in “I’m More American Than You”
7) If Eve had just had a healthy fear of snakes, she would not have eaten that apple, and cursed us with original sin. Then I’d be able to walk around naked everywhere, instead of just my bathroom, my living room, and participating Burger Kings.
Stephen Colbert, during “Formidable Opponent”
8) Of course, the Corbamite maneuver! Season one, Episode ten, the one where Lt. Uhura wore a command uniform but with a science badge!
Jon and Stephen in unison, during “Formidable Opponent”
9) Will This Help? Will This Help?
John Oliver, trying to chant to bring Jon Stewart back to life, even though he wasn’t dead.
10) There are terrorists, and racists, and Stalinists, and theocrats, but those are titles that must be earned! You must have the resume! Not being able to distinguish between real racists and Tea Party-ers, or real bigots and Juan Williams or Rick Sanchez is an insult–not only to those people, but to the racists themselves, who have put in the exhausting effort it takes to hate.
Jon Stewart, in his closing statement