EPISODE NUMBER: 6099 (August 5, 2010)
GUESTS: Savion Glover
SEGMENTS: How to Ruin Same-Sex Marriages, Pope’s Baseball Cap & CatholicTV
VIDEOS: Thursday, August 5, 2010
Ooh, new opening word again this week – Überballed! Love me some umlaut. That illustration in Webster’s should look hauntingly familiar to anyone who’s read America: The Book. Now, I rarely type out an entire monologue, but I so loved the one from tonight, I just had to get it out there to you guys in its entirety. (Also, Silvarius and Raysgal, I do read your Twitters, and you’re welcome). Unfortunately, that kind of took the entirety of my time budgeted to bringing you quotes, so I guess if you want to see quotes from the rest of the show, you’re going to have to watch it.
Oh my gosh, Pope Benedict looks so goofy with that hat! Not quite as goofy as Stephen with the hoodie, but close. “Flavorus Flavum” – *snerk* I love it when Stephen uses Latin, or better yet, fake Latin.
I’ve only been to see the ‘Colbert Report’ taping once, but when I did, fellow Zoner Jentaps (taping buddies forever!) was there, and during the Q&A, she got to teach Stephen Colbert a tap dancing step. So when she heard that Savion Glover was going to be there, she e-mailed me and we talked about how excited we were to get to see Savion on the show. And wow, was that an amazing performance! I haven’t tapped since I was 8, but that makes me want to go out there and take lessons so I can taste just a smidge of that joy that Glover had on his face when he was out there performing his passion. I wonder where I could get wide width tap dancing shoes?
What did all of you think of tonight’s show?
- Folks, it’s armma-gay-don.
- A case that affects gay people being decided by a gay guy. Why don’t we just let cases about endangered species be decided by a manatee.
- He even signed it gay – “It is sooooo ordered”.
- A stable relationship? What happened to traditional gay values, you know, hot, sweaty, rock-hard men slapping against each other in a dark room to a pulsing beat, no names. You know, like the illustration in Webster’s.
- So thanks for the help grandma and grandpa, but you’re totally gay.
- There’s only marriage, and gay people have the same right to it as anyone else. Which, frankly, makes the whole idea of getting married seem kind of gay.
- Here’s how we’ll stop the gays from marrying. Okay. Step one, I want all of my straight male viewers to start hanging around in gay bars. Make friends with a gay man. Now you’re going to be spending a lot of time together. So you’re going to want the find one you really click with. Okay. It might seem like all the best ones are taken, but don’t get depressed. He’s out there. You’ll know him when you meet him. Step two, make him fall in love with you. Step three, move to California. Get a cozy little cottage in Venice Beach, maybe open an upscale dog grooming boutique. You’re good with business and Jonathan is amazing with animals. You meet his parents. He introduces you as his roommate. Tension. Really, Jonathan? It’s been two years. You have a fight. He apologizes, tells his parents and they’re not surprised. And they just want what’s best for the both of you. Step four. You’re wine tasting in Sonoma. You stop at this great little antique place, hide a ring inside the roll top credenza he’s been eyeing for weeks. He opens it, bam, you drop to a knee and ask him to make you the luckiest man on earth. He says, of course, because you’re a catch. Step five, stall. Do not, not set a date. Say you just want to wait until you’re financially stable. Say you can’t honeymoon in Bali in the summer because it’s monsoon season. Say anything. Just drag it out. Before you know it, six years have passed. You’re not getting any younger. He’s threatening to leave. You say, fine, fine, Jonathan, November 2nd IN Big Sur. The day is perfect. It’s on the beach. White linen casual no shoes. Cupcakes instead of a cake. That’s fun. You let his cousin play the oboe. He’s not that good but it means the world to him. And as the sun is setting over the Pacific and you’ve recited your hand-written vows, the Rabbi asks, if you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband, and you look into his eyes and say, “No way, f*g, I am not gay!”. Yeah! So all that sex we had was straight sex. It will destroy him. He will forever be embittered against the idea of marriage. Then your trap sprung, you turn on your heel, march right back up that aisle past your loved ones secure in the knowledge that he will never be married to anyone. Certainly not you. And you can’t forget the look on his beautiful face when you told him. His eyes were like two dead birds. Oh, God. There’s only one person right now who can comfort him, and that’s you. But he will never talk to you again, and neither will his amazing mother Janet. What a pill. On Valentine’s day she sent him a bouquet of acorns. She loves him so much. What have I done? Saved marriage, that’s what. Well done. And we’ve got to because those people don’t love each other like we do. Okay. Once your job is well done, you go find yourself a nice girl. Maybe one of those Russian mail order brides. That’s still legal, right?