Episode 6099 (8/5/2010) – Savion Glover

Colbert Report Episode guideEPISODE NUMBER: 6099 (August 5, 2010)
GUESTS: Savion Glover
SEGMENTS: How to Ruin Same-Sex Marriages, Pope’s Baseball Cap & CatholicTV
VIDEOS: Thursday, August 5, 2010

Ooh, new opening word again this week – Überballed! Love me some umlaut. That illustration in Webster’s should look hauntingly familiar to anyone who’s read America: The Book. Now, I rarely type out an entire monologue, but I so loved the one from tonight, I just had to get it out there to you guys in its entirety. (Also, Silvarius and Raysgal, I do read your Twitters, and you’re welcome). Unfortunately, that kind of took the entirety of my time budgeted to bringing you quotes, so I guess if you want to see quotes from the rest of the show, you’re going to have to watch it.

Oh my gosh, Pope Benedict looks so goofy with that hat! Not quite as goofy as Stephen with the hoodie, but close. “Flavorus Flavum” – *snerk* I love it when Stephen uses Latin, or better yet, fake Latin.

I’ve only been to see the ‘Colbert Report’ taping once, but when I did, fellow Zoner Jentaps (taping buddies forever!) was there, and during the Q&A, she got to teach Stephen Colbert a tap dancing step. So when she heard that Savion Glover was going to be there, she e-mailed me and we talked about how excited we were to get to see Savion on the show. And wow, was that an amazing performance! I haven’t tapped since I was 8, but that makes me want to go out there and take lessons so I can taste just a smidge of that joy that Glover had on his face when he was out there performing his passion. I wonder where I could get wide width tap dancing shoes?

What did all of you think of tonight’s show?

Stephen Colbert watches 3-D Catholic TV

  • Folks, it’s armma-gay-don.
  • A case that affects gay people being decided by a gay guy. Why don’t we just let cases about endangered species be decided by a manatee.
  • He even signed it gay – “It is sooooo ordered”.
  • A stable relationship? What happened to traditional gay values, you know, hot, sweaty, rock-hard men slapping against each other in a dark room to a pulsing beat, no names. You know, like the illustration in Webster’s.
  • So thanks for the help grandma and grandpa, but you’re totally gay.
  • There’s only marriage, and gay people have the same right to it as anyone else. Which, frankly, makes the whole idea of getting married seem kind of gay.
  • Here’s how we’ll stop the gays from marrying. Okay. Step one, I want all of my straight male viewers to start hanging around in gay bars. Make friends with a gay man. Now you’re going to be spending a lot of time together. So you’re going to want the find one you really click with. Okay. It might seem like all the best ones are taken, but don’t get depressed. He’s out there. You’ll know him when you meet him. Step two, make him fall in love with you. Step three, move to California. Get a cozy little cottage in Venice Beach, maybe open an upscale dog grooming boutique. You’re good with business and Jonathan is amazing with animals. You meet his parents. He introduces you as his roommate. Tension. Really, Jonathan? It’s been two years. You have a fight. He apologizes, tells his parents and they’re not surprised. And they just want what’s best for the both of you. Step four. You’re wine tasting in Sonoma. You stop at this great little antique place, hide a ring inside the roll top credenza he’s been eyeing for weeks. He opens it, bam, you drop to a knee and ask him to make you the luckiest man on earth. He says, of course, because you’re a catch. Step five, stall. Do not, not set a date. Say you just want to wait until you’re financially stable. Say you can’t honeymoon in Bali in the summer because it’s monsoon season. Say anything. Just drag it out. Before you know it, six years have passed. You’re not getting any younger. He’s threatening to leave. You say, fine, fine, Jonathan, November 2nd IN Big Sur. The day is perfect. It’s on the beach. White linen casual no shoes. Cupcakes instead of a cake. That’s fun. You let his cousin play the oboe. He’s not that good but it means the world to him. And as the sun is setting over the Pacific and you’ve recited your hand-written vows, the Rabbi asks, if you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband, and you look into his eyes and say, “No way, f*g, I am not gay!”. Yeah! So all that sex we had was straight sex. It will destroy him. He will forever be embittered against the idea of marriage. Then your trap sprung, you turn on your heel, march right back up that aisle past your loved ones secure in the knowledge that he will never be married to anyone. Certainly not you. And you can’t forget the look on his beautiful face when you told him. His eyes were like two dead birds. Oh, God. There’s only one person right now who can comfort him, and that’s you. But he will never talk to you again, and neither will his amazing mother Janet. What a pill. On Valentine’s day she sent him a bouquet of acorns. She loves him so much. What have I done? Saved marriage, that’s what. Well done. And we’ve got to because those people don’t love each other like we do. Okay. Once your job is well done, you go find yourself a nice girl. Maybe one of those Russian mail order brides. That’s still legal, right?


  1. The whole “How to ruin same-sex marriage” was brilliant! The internets just about exploded with the references to “Jonathan”, and “His eyes were like two dead birds” just about slew me dead. Perfect.

    The 3D Catholic TV was BZUH??? Yeah, that’ll get the kidz watching. Stephen’s 3D glasses made him look like Geordie LaForge from ST:TNG (as opposed to Degrassi:TNG).
    Extra BZUH???points for that priest’s fav film being Alien.

    Gorgeous tap routine at the end with Savion and his dancers.

  2. omg this episode was a great way to start the weekend. it was sooo entertaining. firstly the whole how to ruin a gay marriage was awesome- db thanks for the whole monologue quote thingy. and to top that we got a fake cry!!!
    i always love hearing stephens opinion abt catholic news bc he is catholic himself.
    and the tapping was amazing. ever since i was a kid ive wanted to tap and ive never actually taken lessons but i am totally re inspired (especially after seeing stephen tap :D )
    yay for an awesome show!!

  3. I LOL’d at “Uberballed”! I also thought of Jentaps and her story of teaching Stephen some tap steps. I love this community!

    That monologue was brilliant! Thanks for typing out the whole thing. The 3-D Catholic tv thing was, um, interesting. I don’t think that will attract young people to the faith.

    LOVED the tap dancing by Savion and friends! And I found myself listening to it as much as I was watching it.

  4. lockhart43 says:

    What an absolutely solid show to cap off the week! Amazing from start to finish. First off, Überballed is hilarious. I’m finding myself always looking forward to the new opening word, and they never disappoint. Secondly, Stephen’s advice on how to ruin same-sex marriage was just a joy to watch. I totally wasn’t expecting it, nor was I expecting it to go on for as long as it did, and Stephen was wonderful throughout the entire thing. And as much as I wanted to hug him, the fake crying is never not funny! Also loved the return of the suit-hoodie for the Catholic TV segment!

    Savion Glover was pure awesome! That guy is so cool. And I truly loved watching (and hearing) him and the others tap. What a great way to end the show. :)

  5. smithalot says:

    As some one who lives in CA ,and not that far form sonoma this show made me happy (:

  6. Karenatasha says:

    As a huge Savion Glover fan, I was really waiting for this one. He’s simply one of the most amazing, musical, talented dancers in the whole world, hands down. (Feet down?) So I can say this would have started my weekend off right even if there wasn’t anything else. BUT…

    Oh, boy, there were plenty of other something-elses. Catholic TV. The long monologue about gay marriage, complete with faux tears. The hoodie. All hysterical, all pointed in their critiques.

    Now–does anyone know what happened to Basil Marceaux in that primary?

  7. Ms Interpreted says:

    I laughed way too hard at Stephen’s gay scenario. It would have been funny, regardless, but the fact that Stephen’s significant other was a Jewish man named Jonathan really put it over the top for me. Ridiculous and perfect!

    But the highlight of the show was Savion Glover; that guy is just … hell, there are no words. What a performer. I loved his reaction to Stephen’s question about an all blind or an all deaf audience, too; that was a very cool thing to ask. That interview and performance were a true highlight, IMO. (Although “It is *sooooo* ordered” was crazy awesome, too.)

    • Yeah, I just got that Jewish man named Jonathan reference. *headdesk*

      • Don’t feel bad, I read through the monologue when the episode guide first went up, wondered why “Jonathan,” but didn’t make the connection until I watched the show and Stephen got to the part about the rabbi. Me: “Rabbi? Why a rabbi? Ohhhh, wait. ‘Jonathan’… rabbi… NOW I get it.” Yeah, I’m quick. (Not.)

        • Ann G, you’re not *near* as slow as I am!! Here it is a couple of weeks later and I’m scratching my head over these comments that you guys “didn’t get it” until now. Which was right after the episode.

          It’s now August 19th, and I *just* got the Jonathan reference. I get denser every year.

    • Although “It is *sooooo* ordered” was crazy awesome, too.

      I *sooooo* thought of you, MsI, when he said that! bwahaha Personally, I’ll never be able to take a court order seriously again…

  8. OMG, what a *great* show!!! From beginning to end it was so amazing. I’ve been looking forward to this show in particular all week, because of the tapping Savion Glover. (Well, look at my name – D’oh! Thanks for the shoutout, DB!). :-)

    The gay marriage thing was hilarious and right on. Stephen fake crying is never not funny. It seemed especially fake-poignant this time. Just me?

    I saw that pic of the Pope in the baseball cap last week somewhere. 3D Catholic TV? Really? Stephen in his hoodie-suit is another winner.

    I was kind of hoping that Savion would teach Stephen to tap, so I was a little disappointed there. I wanted Stephen to run over to the interview table in tap shoes. That would’ve been fun. But the tap performance was amazing. Acapella tap with a group is always great. They were all terrific!

    But Stephen didn’t disappoint me. He gamely tried his feet at the end. (He evidently forgot everything I taught him 2 1/2 years ago, though). :-)

    Oh, how I love this show! If anyone from the show reads this site, does Stephen want me to send him an instructional DVD, especially made for him? I’ll happily do it.

    • Karenatasha says:

      I too was hoping for a little tap class–but I guess given the time constraints, I’m happier with the real performance. Seeing Savion is always a treat.

      I was also wondering whether Stephen might bring up irish step dance, which did have its effect on tap back in the days of slavery. It would have been fun–but I don’t think Stephen step dances, either.

      Still, I think you do need to send him that video. (Maybe offer him a few private classes, too?)

    • Instructional DVD FTW! And could you pretty pretty please tell us a little bit about how the tap tutorial came about and what it was like? *begs* I love living vicariously through other people’s awesome taping experiences! :’D

  9. Mr. Arkadin says:

    Hey DB, thanks for typing that whole monologue out!

    That performance-monologue was one of the greatest things TCR has ever done! If the Emmys were actually given out on merits, Stephen and the writers would already be accepting them right now! The writing was exquisite & Stephen’s acting of it (in one take!) was (in the words of Duke Ellington when praising musicians he greatly admired) “beyond category.” Just the best! :D

  10. friedthing says:

    Wow! I totally agree that the gay marriage monologue is up there with TCR’s finest moments. Way to go, Stephen and writers!! Almost made me want to cry!

    Glover with his crew was pure awesome, as always… not much more to say about that!

    Fan-freaking-tastic episode!!!!

  11. Arkadina says:

    “His eyes were like two dead birds” Brilliant!

    Yes, this week has been very good to us…

  12. MaryLovesColbert says:

    That gay marriage monologue was gold!

  13. Savion Glover never disappoints – I hear the music in my head long after he’s done dancing. I could watch that all day!

    But my vote had to go for the gay marriage monologue, because it was pitch-perfect, in writing and performance, from start to finish. Tremendous! All around a fantastic way to end the week :D

  14. Thank you for typing out the whole monologue! It was GLORIOUS. I always love it when Stephen gets to show off his acting chops. He almost made me cry.

    Anyone else notice the secondary umlaut in Uberballed, just under the A? Made me laugh before the show even started.

  15. EGOT for Colbert!

  16. Was it only me who noticed Stephen talking about this hypothetical lover named ‘Jonathan’ (Which is Jon Stewart’s first name). And then says that they would recite their vows under a Rabbi (Jon Stewart is Jewish). Hmmm, Is it only me who shamelessly ships them? Or can everyone else see the homoerotic subtext too?

  17. The “How to ruin same-sex marriage” part was fantastic and then “Jonathan” my face hurts from grinning .-) I tell you, they write their own fanfiction now!

  18. Silvarius says:

    I know I’m a few days late (been neglecting NFZ lately, sorry) but thank you for typing that all out DB. Fangirling on Twitter during the shows is always fun.

    I was too caught up over the first segment to really pay attention to the rest of the show, but after watching it again, the tap dancing was pretty cool. They just needed to show Stephen tap dancing some more instead of just before the credits. Good show, though.

  19. This episode truly rocked.
    Thank you, DB.
    From me, raysgal (on Twitter), but you probably knew that.

  20. Karenatasha says:

    Hey–did anyone notice this post from Stephen from his “Stephen@home” twitter account: “jonathan! oh god i miss u! can i come back? i’m so sorry i left you to run “groomin’ grooms” all by yourself! 8:45 PM Aug 5th via SocialOomph”


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