Four Horsemen of the Apopcalypse – Pop culture references in The Colbert Report: April 5-8, 2010

Welcome to No Fact Zone’s weekly roundup of cultural references on The Colbert Report. From Darcy to Danger Mouse, String Theory to Shakespeare, we’ve got the keys to this week’s obscure, oddball, and occasionally obscene cultural shout-outs (hey!).

[Note to Stephen: Thanks for teaching me the Shag before the show last month.  You're a good lead, and it was a lot of fun.  Next time, with music!]

Hey Zoners!  A marvelously silly week, don’t you think?  Here at the Apop, as at the Report, we’re equal opportunity annotators.  Some weeks we’re up in the lofty stratosphere of literature and poetry, and other weeks we slum it on the Jersey Shore.  This week we’re fizzy and sweet (kid games & slime!), with a chance of showers (Halliburton).  I’ve got a bonus for you, though: Monday’s 1985 time capsule, with its denim and VHS, brings to mind **this lovely exchange between Jon & Stephen from the writers’ strike (“Can’t a man wear acid-washed jeans?”).  What were your favorite segments this week? Post them in the comments! (** = TCR/TDS link)

Monday:  The Wørd – Bait and Snitch & ThreatDown – The Obamas & Time-Traveling Brandy Thieves

“Because we know that whenever the military employs outside contractors, nothing goes wrong, and no one tells lies. [Blackwater, Halliburton, KBR]“

Absolutely true. Really. Well, unless you count corruption, weapons smuggling, indiscriminate killing of civilians [Blackwater];  human trafficking , employee rapes and **contracts which prevent victims from going to court [Halliburton]; tax evasion, bribery,  fraud, and shoddy work leading to the electrocution of U.S. soldiers [KBR]. Other than that, it’s a model of efficient and effective privatization.

“I want a Kids’ Choice award. Please just say I won, and I promise to come pre-slimed”

Since 1988, U.S. cable channel Nickelodeon has held its annual Kids’ Choice Awards, which honors viewers’ favorite artists in film, television, and music.  A highlight of the show is watching as celebrities get doused with buckets of the network’s famous green slime.  Among this year’s slimees? None other than Steve Carrell and Tina Fey!

“I’d go after him but my DeLorean is in the shop.”

For time travel, I always choose a TARDIS (ok, gratuitous übergeek link: 1988′s “Doctorin’ the Tardis” video).  But if that’s not available, Doc’s modified DeLorean from Back to the Future is a pretty sweet ride, too.

Tuesday:  Science Catfight & Scrabble Allows Proper Names

“Weathermen’s credibility is right there in their names, folks. Like Storm Field, Dallas Raines, and Larry Sprinkle.”

Can you imagine meeting with the high school career counselor? (“Forget the aptitude tests, my boy! You’ve got a future in Weather!”)  Elliot “Storm” Field was a weatherman in the NYC metro area for some 30 years, Dallas Raines is chief meteorologist at KABC-TV in Los Angeles, and Larry Sprinkle is weather anchor at WCNC in Charlotte, NC.  The folks at WCNC caught the shout-out, and Mr. Sprinkle says a check’s in the mail.  Reminds me of when **Stephen did a shocking expose on sex and violence on The Weather Channel.

“I knew it! It was Professor Plum, with the thimble, in Candyland! Yahtzee!“

Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Hungry Hungry Chutes and Scrabb-opoly – Baby Boomer Edition!  Mad props to the props department, once again (too bad it’s now in pieces all over the studio floor).  I saw bits of Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots, Mousetrap, Hungry Hungry Hippos, and Jenga crammed in there.  I suspect, though, that there must be a drinking element involved to play it properly.

Wednesday: Tiki Barber Cheats on His Wife & Tip/Wag – Hello Kitty Wine

“I was shocked and saddened to see on their front page today that Tiki Barber, friend of the show, superstar running back, and one of my former writers, is having some marital troubles.”

At the conclusion of the writers’ strike, Stephen celebrated by **personally welcoming back each of his writers.  On the Report, no bit is without comedy, though, so there were a few unexpected cameos in the writing staff (Kevin Bacon! Mr. Met! Mikhail Baryshnikov, can you believe it!), including one Mr. Tiki Barber.  I’d put it on my resume, no doubt!

“Long time viewers know I don’t usually congratulate cartoon cats. I’m still furious at the one that beat me out for the part in that Paula Abdul video.”

Paula Abdul, best known of late as a judge on American Idol, had a string of #1 songs in the late 1980′s and early 1990′s, including “Opposites Attract”. The video, which featured Abdul dancing with animated character MC Skat Kat, won a Grammy for Best Short Form Music Video.

“One, two, three, 40 beautiful ounces! Get your drink on, bitches!” [displayed: Pinot Grouchio, Blue's Booze, The Count's Malt Liquor]

Oh, the hilarity of the perversion of treasured childhood icons (full disclosure: The Gashlycrumb Tinies graces my office wall).  In this case, it’s Blue from Blue’s Clues, and Oscar the Grouch and The Count, from Sesame Street.  Who knew Stephen had been practicing his Transylvanian accent?  Just watch The Count for comparison (or the ridiculously catchy “Batty Bat” song) – I think Stephen has a back-up career as a muppet.

Thursday: Tiger’s Nike Commercial & Sign Off

“Nation, Tiger Woods is back, and I feel Grrrrreat!”

The voiceovers in that segment were brilliant, absolutely brilliant!  Both good dads, of a sort,  they were Ward Cleaver (played by Hugh Beaumont) in Leave it to Beaver, and Gene Wilder as Dr. Frankenstein in the classic Young Frankenstein.  Also traveling down memory lane is Tony the Tiger, spokescat for Frosted Flakes Cereal (“They’re Grrrreat!”).

“Remember, no man is a failure who has friends, unless his friends are also failures.”

Apart from being a twist on the ending of It’s A Wonderful Life, this is also a sign off Stephen’s used once before (**July 15, 2009).  Maybe Stephen fixed his time machine after all!