apopcalypse

Welcome to No Fact Zone’s weekly roundup of cultural references on The Colbert Report. From Darcy to Danger Mouse, String Theory to Shakespeare, we’ve got the keys to this week’s obscure, oddball, and occasionally obscene cultural shout-outs (hey!).

Hey Zoners!   How is it February already?  Impossible!  Still, I have it on good authority that we’ve got only 6 weeks of winter left, and you’d better believe I’m going to hold that dirty little rodent to it!  The show has kicked off the month admirably – I love  it when we get new segments, and Job Man Caravan was a hoot, what with that intro straight out of The Soul Train.  Also, at last count, urbandictionary.com had 521 exceedingly NSFW definitions for “Canada’s History“.  Go Nation!  Don’t forget to check out the TCR/TDS links, and post your favorite bits in the comments!  (** = TCR/TDS link)

Monday: The Word – Siren Song

“But their old relationship was perfect – it was tantalizingly unconsummated, like Bella and Edward.”

Pick a side – Twilight fans are at war!  A continuing thread through the novels (and films) is the love triangle in which the mysterious, handsome vampire Edward competes with the mysterious, handsome shape-shifter Jacob for Bella’s love. This must mean Stephen is on Team Edward.  But then we always knew **Stephen wanted to be a vampire!

“True leaders stand on their principles, not on their accomplishments [World's Greatest Leader: Dennis Kucinich]“

You know, it almost makes me wish Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) would run for President again.  The house elf and leprechaun jokes flew freely, he was put on **Stephen’s pocket sized On Notice board, and in a hilarious prop bit, **Kucinich emptied his pockets on the show (you’ll never guess what he finds!).

Tuesday: The Wørd – Cognoscor Ergo Sum & Bananafish Tale & Eliot Spitzer

“Unfortunately, ijustmadelove.com limits your choices to one of six positions and four locations – indoor, outdoor, on a boat, or in a car. I’m sorry, but I’ve eaten green eggs and ham in more places than that.  If you know what I mean.”

“I would not, could not in a tree, not in a car, you let me be!” (there’s an animated version of Green Eggs and Ham, but the book is infinitely better).  Thanks, Stephen – I’m going to have some serious trouble reading Dr. Seuss at bedtime now.  No, really. (“Would you, could you, with a goat?”)

“I believe famous people have to stand on more than their talent. Take Heidi Montag, she’s a huge celebrity, and she has the courtesy to keep her talents hidden.”

Another proud product of reality TV, Heidi Montag first surfaced as a roommate in MTV’s reality show The Hills.  She’s since drawn significant attention for her numerous plastic surgeries, and somewhat less attention for her recent debut album.

“The only sadness is not to be a saint.”

Apparently a favorite quote of Stephen’s (he used it in his MUSC commencement address), it’s from the French Catholic philosopher Jacques Maritain.  The subject of the interview, JD Salinger, has been discussed on the Report many times before, of course (see NFZ’s previous Apopcalypse & memorial coverage).

[To Eliot Spitzer] “Do you have any big plans after the show tonight?”

Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer (and friend of the show – **Guitarmaggedon!) got himself into a bit of hot water in 2008, when it was discovered that he had been patronizing a high-priced prostitution service.  In fact, records showed that after his last appearance on the Report, Spitzer high-tailed it out of the studio and headed off for one of his liaisons, which **makes Stephen the meat in a Spitzer sandwich (eww! but also see CC’s great **Spitzer mashup).

Wednesday:  Intro & Be Almost All That You Can Be

“Jon Stewart went on the O’Reilly Factor tonight. I hope he brought me back a toaster.”

In 2007, Stephen and Papa Bear Bill O’Reilly traded appearances on each other’s shows.  While over at the O’Reilly Factor, Stephen stole a microwave (really, truly!) from the green room, and then **placed it on his shelf, though he did buy them **a Colbert Report microwave to replace it.

“We haven’t heard a peep from… Captain Crunch, Sgt. Slaughter, Major Garrett, Lt. Dan, Private Practice, or Colonel Sanders… What would happen if our brave sailors got tattoos, hung around with loose women, or drank alcohol?  Before you know it, they’ll be freebasing spinach.”

That’s a mouthful of names, plus the classic American children’s model of high morality and healthy living, Popeye the Sailorman.


“My guest tonight is Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates.  Somebody call the cops.”

“Now, I may be a simple country lawyer…”

That was a simultaneously hilarious and spot-on impression of Gregory Peck in To Kill A Mockingbird (just listen to audio from the climactic courtroom scene and compare).  However, the line itself is from Jimmy Stewart’s role as Paul Biegler in Anatomy of a Murder.  My personal favorite instance of the trope is Futurama‘s “simple country Hyperchicken“.

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