Episode 5129 (10/7/2009)
By
EPISODE NUMBER: 5129 (October 7, 2009)
GUEST: Alison Gopnik
SEGMENTS: Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger; Craziest F#?king Thing I Ever Heard
VIDEOS: Wednesday, October 7, 2009
I love it when the Nation gets a call to action, and I hope there’s lots of action on this one to modify Conservapedia. If you look on the Recent Changes page (if you can even get into it) it seems that they mods are onto us, as there are a lot of users labeled “mass block of accounts created concurrent with Stephen Colbert encouragement of vandalism”. However, a few edits have made it through. So far, these are the edits that have survived to 6:50a CDT:
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Stephen Colbert – Stephen Colbert is the second Messiah, the lord savior of our world. He is the original creator of the world, who breathed life to dust on earth to create humans. Stephen Colbert has three parts of personality, The Father, The Son, and The Holy Ghost.[referrence from THE BIBLE] Stephen Colbert, or as people may know him by his other name, Yahweh or Jesus Christ, has come to earth again to save humans from suffering, whose glory cannot be questioned. Although Stephen Colbert is a vengeful god, he is also merciful. Pray for him, ask him for forgiveness, and you will get your eternal salvation.
Colbert THE GREATEST LAST NAME EVER!!!!
Oh, how I wish I could have seen what the Nation did to the site last night. And I will definitely be keeping an eye on the site when the reruns hit. I also must chime in with a big huzzah to Craziest F#?king Thing I Ever Heard, as it’s my very favorite segment ever. It’s silly and pointless and makes me laugh terribly hard. And the molar graphic was hysterical.
Chime in and tell me about your favorite jokes and lines in this episode!
- Big deal. Let’s see her break Scalia’s record of obscene hand gestures.
- We fight for who gets to hump who. I’m just saying my trousers are taking a beating.
- Thanks to this law, America was deprived of the director’s cut of “G-Force.”
- It’s a profound and nuanced legal argument that raises many questions, such as What kind of cable package does Sam Alito have, and why I can’t get it?
- Oh, but it’s legal to broadcast that.
- After all, the bible says Jesus fed the poor. It should have said he fed the rich and let the loaves and fishes trickle down.
- Nation, I want you to go to Conservapedia and me a biblical figure.
- You can make me Moses – “Get your hands off of me your damn dirty ape.”
- You don’t have to make me God himself, but if it happens, hey, I get it.
- That’s a good looking lady. Something about her made me hungry. Looked like veal.
- Honda calls it a personal mobility device, though I think a catcher name would be the Haunted Stool.
- Who thinks of that? What kind of a doctor looks at a blind woman and says, you know what, we should jam a tooth in there?
- Having the word in there doesn’t mean it works. Take it from someone who’s tried using his molars to remove his moles. You can scrape all you want, it just gets worse.
- That means the baby knows how to fetch, that he has the same moral values as my dog Gipper.
- I like thinking of babies as a business.
- That’s a terribly sad story.
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54 Comments
October 8th, 2009 at 7:44 am
I managed to join conservapedia but I haven’t managed to make it save my changes. I suspect the conservapedia people have disabled edits for the time being. For the record, I was working on Matthew 26. I had made Stephen the bridegroom in the foolish virgins story, changed a few things in the judgement day story (”This is Tip of the hat wag of the finger” “I was sick and you told me I had a pre-existing condition”) and made him the ultra talented servant in the parable of the talents.
I plan to check back every day using different usernames, because I think we should do everything in our power to scupper this APPALLING project.
I think I will try changing Simon/Peter to Stephen/Peter. That way I will only have to change the early references… Any other ideas? They haven’t got the Old Testament up yet, so it’s just New Testament.
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October 8th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Did you end up editing Stephen in? Because I was just checking the site and found Stephen’s name in Matthew Acts 1-9 Chapter 6: “And the saying pleased the whole multitude: and they chose Stephen, a man full of faith and of the Holy Ghost, and Philip, and Prochorus, and Nicanor, and Timon, and Parmenas, and Nicolas a proselyte of Antioch…And Stephen, full of faith and power, did great wonders and miracles among the people.”
Awesome :)
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October 9th, 2009 at 5:36 am
pre-existing condition! LOL! I hope it got in.
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October 8th, 2009 at 7:53 am
I wish I read some conservapedia edits too, it seems they are having technical difficulties there right now. This is from someone who watches TCR from the website which is delayed by about 7-8 hours from the first broadcast.
When was the last time Stephen called upon the nation anyway?
I was going there to change matthew 5:5 to Stephen’s verbatim edit, cause that’s always a good place to start, i guess. :)
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October 8th, 2009 at 8:07 am
That may be my most favorite character break ever. :)
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October 8th, 2009 at 8:16 am
If someone has enough free time, visit the “recent changes” page of Conservapedia. You can see all the Colbert-related changes (even if they were later changed back).
Take a long, hot shower afterwards, though.
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October 8th, 2009 at 8:34 am
AHAHAHA!!! “Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet Stephen Colbert.”
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October 8th, 2009 at 10:37 am
LMAO!!!!
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October 8th, 2009 at 8:29 am
I’m guessing his reference to the shaving your hair & the person he went to shake hands with in the audience is a lady in the military?
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October 8th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
that’s what i was wondering. “so much for semper fi!” haha. :)
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October 8th, 2009 at 8:58 am
Comment from the main page of conservapedia:
“Special message to the Colbert show watchers: do yourselves a favor and watch less television. Colbert and his advertisers want to make money off you, but you can accomplish some good instead by unplugging the TV. You could even pick up a Bible.”
Hilarious
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October 8th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
seriously? wow. lol!
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October 8th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
What I find more hilarious is their real article about Colbert:
Colbert began his career at Comedy Central in the year 2000 with the show Strangers with Candy. But I guess facts aren’t that necessary for them, besides they only failed to include 37.5% of the years he worked there.
But man, with accurate facts like the ones they have–homeschoolers really have a place to turn to.
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October 8th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
Hey – as a homeschooled person, I take offense to that. We’re not all religious fanatics, you know.
Anyway, having trouble getting around Conservapedia. Does every page require you to be a user to edit? I’m looking to fulfill the demands of his holyness the almighty Stephen T. Colbert.
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October 9th, 2009 at 5:05 am
I’m sorry, I wasn’t picking on homeschooling at all. My sister was home-schooled when she was unable to ambulate.
All I intended to say is that conservapedia encourages home-schoolers to get facts unbiased from their site, not any of those liberal hard-covered encyclopedia’s. When they only tell a person that Pangaea happened over a year, I just shake my head in shame.
And yes, you have to be logged in to edit.. but they have it on lockdown for prob another day or two.
October 9th, 2009 at 5:43 am
I must check out this site, b/c this project is the most offensive Bible re-writing project I’ve seen since Scofield notes.
recaptcha: moderate editions
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October 8th, 2009 at 9:42 am
Loved the character breaks :) Just what I needed on an otherwise dour morning.
BTW, check this name-checking out on Cinematical (it even has an exclamation mark!):
http://www.cinematical.com/2009/10/07/scariest-villains-ever-bears/
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October 8th, 2009 at 9:42 am
… But if we watch less television, we’ll have more time to contribute to the Conservative Bible Project.
… Oh wait, I see what you did there, Conservapedia.
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October 8th, 2009 at 9:54 am
I tried to create an account but it looks like they are not letting anyone join. I wanted to include Stephen’s book under books of the old testament.
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October 8th, 2009 at 10:13 am
Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t Conservapedia asking for it based on Revelations 22:18 “… If any man makes an addition to them, God will put on him the punishments which are in this book.”
And I did not know the liberal media existed during (or right after?) Jesus’ time for their bias to corrupt the Bible’s words.
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October 8th, 2009 at 10:42 am
What a fun show! :-) As much as I loved Craziest F#?king Thing I’ve Ever Heard, the Tip/Wag segment got my vote. I love it when he calls the Nation to action and Conservapedia is most certainly just asking to be messed with. LOL!
The interview…. Meh.
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October 8th, 2009 at 10:53 am
Whoever put the picture of Stephen and the banana on conservapedia, a tip of my hat to you.
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October 8th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
You know what the difference is between a cult and a relgion, right?
About 100,000 followers.
At 1 million viewers a day, I think he is way past a cult. We’re past a religion. We’re a NATION!
USA! USA! USA! *balloon drop* (I had too much caffeine at lunch, methinks.)
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October 8th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Crud, Marco, that was for your other comment (#16). But you get the idea, right?
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October 8th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Of course I got it. I’m an it-getter. Is that caffeine from too many visits to the starbucks under your desk?
reCAPTCHA: 42nd yogurt
October 8th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Of course I got it, I’m an it-getter.
Quit visiting the Starbucks under your desk and that’ll keep the caffeine under control.
October 8th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Aw, but the baristas are so cute! And I’ll keep my opinions of the view to myself.
October 8th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
The banana picture? On Conservapedia! That? Is awesome. I hope it was used to illustrate Matthew 7:16 “Ye shall know them by their fruits.”
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October 8th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
I went to check out the site here at 1:30p EST, and it’s down again. I’m not sure if it’s still from last night or if it went down again. Either way, way to go Nation!
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October 8th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
I read about the Conservapedia project on Monday on metafilter, and was really hoping Stephen would mention it. I saw a note to the mod (Andy Schlafly, incidentally – Phyllis Schlafly’s son) last night, a very hopeful admin suggesting the Colbert Nation would “blow over in a day or two.” Don’t fall for it, Nation! Keep going back! I happen to be an agnostic, myself, and even I think what they’re doing to the Bible is repugnant.
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October 8th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
I love calls to action! I find it funny that on their actual Stephen Colbert page they mention the time he had his fans mess up Wikapedia. Now they’ll have to add this. :)
I thought the call out to whoever in the audience was cute…Semper Fi! It seemed as if he were in a particularly happy mood last night and had quite a few scattered mini character breaks. I also loved the look he gave his guest when she said they speak to babies.
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October 8th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
Its nice how on the page for Stephen they mention his “cult-like followers”.
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October 8th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
OMG, the banana picture is still there!!!
That is the funniest thing ever.
ReCAPTCHA: Shr cockles – as in that picture being on Conservapedia shr warms the cockles of my heart.
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October 8th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
HA When I read “warms the cockles of my heart” it made me think of a Denis Leary joke, which made me laugh, so thank you :D :D
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October 8th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
4:30 pm EST – Conservapedia is still down.
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October 8th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
OK, is there a reason this episode had to prompt so much disturbing mental imagery? those videos relating to the G-Force joke AND molars/moles. *shudders*
the interview held my attention but I didn’t hear much about the meaning of life.
I voted for the very last segment because it surprised me and I was amused.
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October 8th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Well, at least no one vomited. But yeah, that mole was, and is, ew.
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October 8th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
I’m really torn about that Supreme Court case Stephen referenced last night. On the one hand, I totally agree that “crush videos” sound like terrible and totally indefensible things. On the other hand, I’m troubled by how broadly the law was written. NPR pointed out that, as it currently reads, it could mean that Conan the Barbarian is now illegal because Arnold Schwarzenegger punches a camel in it. Now, I don’t necessarily think civilization as I know it would end if I were suddenly prohibited from watching Conan the Barbarian, but I do find the idea of Congress being able to mandate exceptions to the First Amendment very troubling (minus an actual Constitutional amendment, that is). Because frankly, I don’t trust Congress right now. (In a world where thirty Republican senators vote against allowing a rape victim to pursue justice in court, it’s hard to trust them with anything.) And the law in question is really, really broadly written.
But that aside, I thought the show was hilarious. :)
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October 8th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
I have to disagree with you on the law being very broadly written. I find that the exception clause quite generous as to what is excluded:
“(b) Exception.— Subsection (a) does not apply to any depiction that has serious religious, political, scientific, educational, journalistic, historical, or artistic value. ”
I don’t really think Conan is the greatest movie in the world, but I would say that artistic value is present.
As for this case, I do not believe that his purpose was educational or historical. Perhaps it contained historical and educational tips on how to train dogs for dog fighting. If his aims were legal and directed at methods to train dogs for hunting, I have to wonder why he placed his ads in illegal underground dogfighting magazines.
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October 8th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
It’s a fair point but, as I said, I don’t like leaving open-ended the question of what may or may not have “artistic” value, either. When you consider, for example, how certain segments of Congress reacted to the NEA after the Mapplethorpe exhibit, it seems clear to me that tying the legal exception to whether or not something has “artistic” value is less helpful than we might like to think.
The case made it to the Supreme Court, so it’s obviously been deemed worthy of further consideration; I know it’s not clear cut. And I’m not sure I’d want the law scrapped overall, either, I’m just … uncomfortable with it, as written.
October 8th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
I love this one, someone put a poem on Stephen Colbert’s section of Conservapedia…
Colbert Nation
“Dear citizens of Colbert
Greet the brand new day
Remind yourself of our charter
That you’ve sworn to always obey
Part one describes our leader
Who has no need to campaign
For we are a faithful nation
As long as he entertains.
On day one of this great nation
He spoke with great wisdom
He defined the meaning of truthiness
And thus began his kingdom
Part two describes our beliefs
To which I’m sure you are aware
Bush was our greatest president
And O’Reilly is papa bear
There are many great things about our nation
The list goes on and on
But every Colbert citizen
Is most thankful for wrist strong.
And then we have our mighty laws
That we follow with great pride
Like when a person is On Notice
He is hated nation wide
So dear citizens of Colbert
Continue on your ways
But don’t forget rule number one
Tune in 11:30 on weekdays”
© 2009 Leora Kurtzer
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October 8th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
I absolutely love when Stephen calls on Colbert Nation – the response is always fantastic! And it makes me even happier that the call was during Tip of the Hat/Wag of the Finger, as that is my favorite segment :)
As for conservapedia, I was following it last night at midnight when their admins were blocking users left and right, and couldn’t find any changes that made it through, so I’m glad to know that a few made it through today. I would SO edit Stephen in as Moses, but they won’t let me create an account :(
But still. The response is epic! Nicely done, Colbert Nation! :D
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October 8th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
On the Talk:Main Page part of the Conservapedia site, someone posted today they were having problems logging in and another person responded with “I assume it is related to the Colbert goons flooding the site with nonsense.”
HA. I would have to say that I’m okay with being called a “Colbert goon.” :D
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October 8th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
“Colbert Goon”. Love It!
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October 8th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
Wow. Nation, we have practically shut Conservapedia down. I tried to create an account, and it said this action was limited to administrators. We have hit them hard, folks – and I don’t think we should stop. By the grace of Sir Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, I think we should keep trying to edit pages in our free time for as long as we can – let’s drive this site into the ground! And have a blast doing it!
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October 8th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
This call to action is wonderful!!!
I haven’t been able to get on the site – it is still down! That is just crazy. I assume there are lots of people (not just it-getters) that are having fun editing crazy things into the bible.
On another site someone said that they are now only accepting new people signing up who use their real name as their screen name…how they will police that, I dont know.
Maybe we should all sign up and say our real name is stephen colbert! LOL!
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October 9th, 2009 at 12:31 am
First name and last initial, i think.
First thing that came to mind was “StevieC” heh
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October 9th, 2009 at 12:59 am
Ok, someone should definitely sign up as “NotStephenColbert” because… then they’d have to allow it right? Because it’s not Stephen Colbert?
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October 9th, 2009 at 10:16 am
The thing is that MANY people who identify themselves as conservatives will be absolutely appalled by this project. The more publicity it gets, the more it will be vilified. In the meantime, I don’t see how they can police the first and last name thing, except that our aliases will have to sound like real names. No way will they let anyone on with any variation on Stephen Colbert. We can probably try combinations of favourite guest names. I wonder if Chuck Noblett would work…
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October 9th, 2009 at 10:06 am
I got in and made some improvements to the Gospel of Matthew. I think I may have won the distinction of being the first member of the Colbert nation to be banned from Conservapedia for eternity. This is the message I got when I was on my sixth chapter:
“You do not have permission to edit this page, for the following reason:
Your user name or IP address has been blocked.
The block was made by Joaquín Martínez. The reason given is Moronic vandalism.
* Start of block: 09:53, 9 October 2009
* Expiry of block: infinite
* Intended blockee: Cmccaw
You can contact Joaquín Martínez or another administrator to discuss the block. You cannot use the ‘e-mail this user’ feature unless a valid e-mail address is specified in your account preferences and you have not been blocked from using it. Your current IP address is 219.143.135.118, and the block ID is #58206.
Please include all above details in any queries you make.
You can view and copy the source of this page:”
I assume I can make a new login on a friend’s computer if the heat ever shuts down. I agree that we should make it our business to make it impossible for them to continue this project. As an added bonus, we can express our undying love for Stephen Colbert at the same time.
I imagine it’s quite easy for them to run a search for “Stephen” or “Colbert”, so I suggest we also make more subtle edits that will force them to read the WHOLE Bible THROUGH to make corrections – rather than the highly selective version they like to quote from.
Actually, they should be pleased that their project is inspiring all of us to study the Bible…
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October 9th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Am I correct in thinking that every computer has a distinct IP address? So if I happen to work at a school containing hundreds of computers I can try again hundreds of times?
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October 9th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
Yes! LOL!
I think being a bit more subversive in our additions is a good idea.
Maybe add “truthiness”, “threatdown”, “on notice”, “who’s not honouring me now”, “it-getter” etc. instead of his name.
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October 11th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
I finally looked at the website of the Conservapedia Bible Project. It’s utterly appalling but also crazy funny. This is one of their goals of the project:
“Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms: using powerful new conservative terms as they develop; defective translations use the word “comrade” three times as often as “volunteer”; similarly, updating words which have a change in meaning, such as “word”, “peace”, and “miracle”.”
I love the term “as they develop,” i.e., as we make them up. And it’s news to me that the word “peace” has changed its meaning!
The best comment though, has to be Andrew Schlafly’s about Colbert fans:
“The Stephen Colbert show caters to public school kids who watch hours and hours of TV each day.”
Public school kids. We used this phrase as small children, going to Catholic school — “The public school kids were throwing snowballs,” “The public school kids toilet-paper trees on Halloween.” I haven’t heard this phrase in decades!
Isn’t it interesting to grow up only to find successful adults whose minds have literally never advanced past the categorical reasoning of an 8-year-old?
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October 11th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
Yup. Them Conservative Bible Project guys sure have me figured out. Us public school kids sure is stupid! And I sure get Colbert. Why, with his smart writers and scathingly satiric ideals, I’m nothing more than a brainless potato drooling in front of my television. Too much? ;)
And @ your last sentence – You are SO right. I am so excited to help pay for their government-run Social Security when they retire.
Oh, and I think when they say that “peace” has changed it’s meaning, they mean in sentences such as, “We come in peace. Unless you disagree with us. Then we’re going to attack you.” HA. :-D
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