Episode 5102 (7/29/2009)

epguideiconEPISODE NUMBER: 5102 (July 29, 2009)
GUESTS: Kevin Baker
SEGMENTS: The WØRD: He Who Smelt It, Dealt It, Stephen Colbert’s Sport Report
VIDEOS: Wednesday, July 29, 2009

You know it’s going to be a good show when its starts out with Frank Lesser in his boxers. You may also remember Frank as the Other Starbucks Barista Under Stephen’s Desk, or Homero, Stephen’s South American strongmen friend. I always get such a kick when one of the writers gets screen time. Nice smiley face on the back of the robe there, Frank.

For anyone reading from Viacom or Comedy Central, here’s my suggestion for a video compilation – a “People Tell Me I’m White” montage. Those always crack me up!

Oh, and don’t get me started on the Tour de France! Contador is such a douche! You don’t, DON’T, attack your own teammate! Klöden should have been on the podium this year. Now, granted, St. Armstrong isn’t as perfect as some in the press might make him out to be (I’m looking at YOU, Phil Liggett), but Contador – good GOD what a douche. We’ll see how easy Contador has it when he’s trying to win a Tour without Johan Bruyneel as his coach. Of course, my very favorite pro rider is Dave Zabriskie. That man can time trial! And his saddle cream has the funniest name of a product ever. Maybe that’s why I like Dave so much – his wicked sense of humor.

How did you all enjoy the episode?

You Have THe Right To Remain Silent But Deadly

  • Viacom, my beloved parent company, reported yesterday that in the 2nd quarter, their profits fell 32%, possibly because of all of the costly vaccinations required on ‘Rock of Love’.
  • I should have explained – to save on rent, I’ve taken on a roommate.
  • You don’t hear me asking you how much longer you’re going to be practicing the baseline from ‘Magic Bus’.
  • By the way, I forgot to tell you, I’m having 120 people over.
  • People tell me I’m white and I believe them because my fridge is full of drinkable yogurt.
  • I believe the professor said, “Yo mamma’s so fat, when she wears red, the police say, Hey Kool Aid man! And then falsely arrest her.
  • For the record? You bet I would.
  • Beck’s not saying Obama dislikes white people, he’s saying he has a deep seated hatred for them. Like Beck likes arguing but has a deep seeded hatred for logic.
  • I just cannot believe how much Obama hates his mother.
  • In other words, [O’Reilly’s] not going to talk about race.
  • Admittedly, we set a high bar with slavery. [Slaves Did Actual Bar-Setting]
  • [You Have The Right To Remain Silent But Deadly]
  • Do you think this is a teachable fart?
  • I can play the sitar.
  • Shocking news this weekend at the Tour de France. The person who won wasn’t Lance Armstrong.
  • Come on, Lance! America expected you to win forever, until you turned 95 and the flesh melted off your bones, revealing you were a robot sent from the future to make us care about cycling.
  • Contador then went on to hawk his new line of DoucheSTRONG bracelets. We must find a cure for him being such a douche. Douche, of course, is the French word for Alberto Contador.
  • A perfect pitcher, and a batter who never misses? That’s not baseball, that’s interesting. The whole point of baseball is to stand in one place long enough for the people in the bleachers to become so bored that they’ll pay $10 for a beer.
  • Who wants to read about a robotic baseball player cheating on his wife with a toaster oven?
  • Don’t enjoy that, they might be applauding the ditch.
  • I’m sorry, that’s just a funny term. [Nice callback!]


  1. I have to give props where props are due for the VERY extended analogy of cutting the cheese as sparking racial tensions. I can honestly say, I don’t think I would’ve ever put those two together. Nice job, writers!

    • Michele says:

      That was excellent! And because I am mentally 12 years old I giggled like a… well, a 12-year-old.

      The whole show was really good. I also love seeing the writers get a little screen time now and then. I had to laugh at the air sitar playing at the beginning of the Sport Report. I don’t think it would have been nearly as amusing to me had I not seen the recent fanvid. Thanks DB! :-) And Contador is, indeed, a huge douche.

  2. I was at this taping. I was slightly upset that the super secret guest was Kevin Baker. I had been hoping for someone like Obama or even a freakin’ unicorn. (I had way too much time on my hands while waiting in line for nearly 4 hours.)
    However, I got a bonus interview.

    Anyway, I was given a gift of being able to sit in the front row right where the bleachers split and I cheered my little heart out. I’ll have to watch the show later to see/hear myself.

    The opening comic sucked. Or maybe it was just the annoying guys in the audience. He made fun of my clapping. He called it my ‘Absolutely right’ clapping.

    We were also very close to a TOSS because I saw the words on the prompter, but I guess whoever was on TDS tonight went long like with Bill Kristol on Monday. Stupid head on TDS messed up my chance on seeing a TOSS.

    Then Stephen came out. Oh my gosh. It was awesome. I touched his hand twice as he came by for high fives.
    He did the Q&A. He only got to like four questions. This USO girl said her thing about actually being elected Ms. USO unlike Stephen who had nominated himself and he laughed. Some woman asked about his routine and he told her about giving high fives to everyone, flipping his microphone in the air, etc.
    He did this crabwalking/orangutan thing across the studio. Very cute.

    Then they said they had to get the show started. He got his hair stroked and did so in return to the lady. Guy told us when we were supposed to cheer, which we kinda messed up on that so Stephen stumbled a little then he messed up again on I believe the word was ‘vaccination’ and we ended up having to take everything from the top. Which means we had to sit through the ‘Tonight’ thing again and be just as excited as we were the first time. Perhaps that’s why he went from sitting in his chair the first time to practically crawling off his desk the second time.
    “I find comedy is a lot fresher when you do it a second time”…which might actually be me just paraphrasing what Stephen said. It sounded a lot like that.
    We got a Word that was filled with fart jokes so it was easy to laugh because I think I had been replaced with a hyper active five year old who had gotten a hold of a Red Bull.
    We got a Sport Report complete with Stephen pretending to play the sitar. It went from the guitar to the sitar. Very awesome.
    Then it was interview time…Kevin Baker. Don’t recognize the name? Me neither. I didn’t get why it had been a secret, but I laughed and clapped appropriately.
    Oh, and at one point between segments the song the Movits! had performed on Monday was playing. I watched that online so when Stephen asked if anyone knew who it was I shouted the correct answer along with like five other people.

    The bonus for all this was getting to see another interview…with Meryl Streep.
    That’s right. Meryl freakin’ Streep.
    Stephen said he had to go change his tie and was gone for a while, but it was cool.
    She was great. And I loved how Stephen started it with saying Meryl Streep had been playing him and vice versa. The interview was great. And Meryl Streep tried to tell us stop clapping for her.
    I have no idea when her interview will air, but it was nice to see her.
    I even said goodbye to her as she left the studio and got into her car. She smiled and waved back.

    And afterwards I waited outside long enough to meet Stephen. It was wonderful.

    • Ms Interpreted says:

      Meryl Streep? Meryl-freaking-Streep!? Dude, I’m so jealous right now I could just spit nails!


    • Meryl Streep?! WOW! I, too, am extremely jealous of you right now. :-)

      Glad you had fun. I’m going for the second time on Monday. WHEE!

    • MaryLovesColbert says:

      Yeah! I heard about that extra interview – too cool!

      Wait…I know who you are. Lolz.

      CAPTCHA: 35 Stevens – spell that differently and I’m a happy woman! :P

    • Meryl Streep!
      And you met Stephen, how awesome was that?

    • You. Saw. Meryl. Streep?
      And. Met. Stephen??
      Wow!!!! :D

      I’m thinking Meryl was the special surprise, not Kevin-what’s-his-name-who-tried-to-be-funny

    • I got to go to this taping too. Meryl Streep was fantastic. But you left out a few very funny lines – when the Mrs. USO woman was talking Stephen said –

      “You know, I’m Mr. USO. We should mate! It could be an experiment in patriotism! I’m sure my wife would understand – ‘Honey, I did it for the troops!'”

      And of course, you already mentioned the extra takes, which is the inside joke when he says “Audience, I could do this show all night!”

      I wish I could have waited outside, but I had to get going. It’s so awesome you got to meet Stephen!

      I love Stephen’s warm-up act. His leap – which is how he broke his wrist – is incredible! He goes like an eagle – legs folded and arms spread, wooing loudly. Definitely one of the highlights of my life, right there.

      • I completely forgot that stuff with Mrs. USO. I can’t believe it. That bit was priceless.

        I loved his warm-up act as well. It was so much better than Jon’s.

  3. Silvarius says:

    The WORD was funny. I like the metaphor between farting and race relations. The noises were a little much, but I’m not complaining. The rest of the ep didn’t thrill me as much. The Sport Report never was my favorite segment though. Still a good ep.

    I wonder why the guest was kept secret till the last minute. Maybe a cancellation and they had to find someone real quick? Weird.

    Also, just got to say . . . FRANK! Love the outfit.

  4. ColbertGirl27 says:

    Was it just me or did it look like Frank Lesser was wearing a robe with a Colbert Report logo on the back? It sounds like DB saw a smiley face on the back of the robe.

  5. colbaby says:

    That Meryl Streep interview is listed on his site as airing next Thursday.

    What a treat that must have been for you, Bri. :)

    • Thanks for the heads-up, colbaby.

    • Next Thursday…cool.

      Yeah, it was pretty awesome to get the extra interview with Meryl.
      If I had been braver I would have asked her for a picture as she left the studio, but I behaved.

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