Episode 5089 (6/30/2009)

EPISODE NUMBER: 5089 (June 30, 2009)
GUEST: Alexi Lalas, Kevin Mattson
SEGMENTS: War on the 4th of July, Is it time to care about soccer?
VIDEOS: Tuesday, June 30, 2009

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Did you see that teeny, tiny swish of hair on the top of Stephen’s hair? IT’S GROWING, Y’ALL! How exciting! But not nearly as exciting as Al Franken finally being allowed to be Senator! Whoo!!! I’m all about the callback on the show, and I laughed quite hard at the War On Easter Fourth of July recycled graphic. Another recycled joke that I loved was the “you can grate cheese on that” – how many of us remember that line being used to describe Brad Pitt’s abs?

Kevin Mattson was really starting to freak me out – he’s so Will Forte in 15 years. I do admire him for sticking to his talking points despite the fact that Stephen was very “Stephen” tonight.

What kind of love did you have for the show tonight?

• Yes, I also express sadness through cheering and applause. It’s like my left hand is Al Franken and my right hand keeps slapping him.
• Plus who can trust the court’s ruling so soon after the death of Michael Jackson?
• What a f@#king a$$hole.
• I feel like we’re rolling the dice here having an untested guy in the US Senate, when remember, people, we are still fighting two wars – the war on Christmas, and the war on Easter.
• War on the 4th of July – We didn’t have time to do a new graphic, but a gun-toting Jesus is appropriate for any occasion. Because everyone knows in 1776, Jesus joined the Continental Congress representing the colony of Heaven-sylvania and signed the Declaration of Independence. Then he pulled Washington across the Delaware and ascended into the sky in a beautiful explosion of color.
• I say an abandoned gas plant is a perfect place to shoot off fireworks. The pyrotechnics could last for weeks.
• These animals should thank us for liberating them from the British. If we hadn’t, all nature documentaries would look like this [Benny Hill theme].
• Normally, I wouldn’t think twice about this sport, but that is before we were good at it.
• By the way, Spain is expected to make a full recovery.
• Soccer is so engrained into Brazilian culture that you can’t even be born without getting past a goalie.
• How long have I been asleep? Do I have a beard?
• Pro – Fun Scarves
• And [the scarves] are useful – “Yoo hoo! Beer man! More warm beer please! Here let me get my 3 euros, and 2 euros for the tax.”
• You could grate cheese on that stomach. Cheese that American athletes would then eat.
• Con-Low Scores
• Pro – Rioting
• I say against Mexico we build a giant wall down the field.
• WE’RE GOING TO WIN THE WORLD CUP!
• Which was longer, that speech or the title of the book?
• He was the original Blame America Firster.
• It’s like if your wife says, Do these pants make me look fat, you say No, they don’t. Carter said, we looked a little chunky.
• Carter, worst president, or worsted president?

• Episode 6039 (3/17/2010)
• Episode 6038 (3/16/2010)
• Episode 6037 (3/15/2010)
• Episode 6036 (3/11/2010)