Episode 5066 (5/13/2009)

EPISODE NUMBER: 5066 (May 13, 2009)
GUEST: Michael Pollan
SEGMENTS: Press Secretary Gibbs deals with the end of the media honeymoon, Stephen advocates “Coke Party” protests, Colbert Platinum: $1000 dishes, Michael Pollan interview
VIDEOS: Wednesday, May 13, 2009 (Full access video)

Howdy, all, from your friendly neighborhood pinch-blogger. In the interest of getting you this guide a little sooner, I thought I’d try to handle the notable quotes, etc. So if you find yourself missing DB’s usual commentary, I do apologize and promise that you’ll be back to your regular recapper soon. Onward to the notable quotes!

• I am with Gibbs on this one. That is so rude! You never saw this kind of thing going on with the Bush Administration; the male prostitutes they planted in the press corps were very respectful.
• That is CBS’s Bill Plante balls out taking the call. Frankly, I have not seen that much bravery in front of a red-faced tank since Tiananmen Square.
• Just the idea of this soda tax makes me sick to my stomach. Well … that, and the thirty cans of soda I had today. Nobody shake me.
• It’s a one quarter percent per ounce tax on soda pop; why shouldn’t I blow my brains out? [Belch] That was one of my more articulate arguments.
• By the way, is it bad when your urine comes out carbonated? ‘Cause I have a friend who wants to know.
• Look, folks, the fact is, soft drinks don’t cause obesity. And it’s not just me saying that, it’s also soft drink lobbyists. [Clip of lobbyist saying soft drinks are just “fun” to drink] Yeah, things that are fun are never bad for you! We learned that from unprotected sex.
• Nation, we must protest this soda tax. And don’t worry, I learned something from last month’s protests. This one won’t have a name with an embarrassing double meaning like “Tea Bagging Parties”. No, I’m callin’ these “Coke Parties!”
• You see, he’s got that dollar bill rolled up his nostril because he’s paying out the nose. And he’s holding up the razor blade of small government that will cut our taxes.
• Nation, this is going to be a great protest. We’re gonna have dancers; it’s gonna be one long all-night Coke-fueled party! I’ve already signed up some big names: Mayor Marion Barry, Gary Busey, Boy George and the extras from Entourage. I’m telling you, we’re all already twitching with excitement.
• Nation, it’s no secret that we super-wealthy drive the economy. Buying just one alabaster bidet puts a hundred times more money into the market than whatever kind of bidet the rabble use.
• But we can’t just throw our money away on expensive products that we’ll pass down to our children. No! We must also throw it away on expensive products that we will flush down the toilet.
• Well, here in New York, some restaurants offer single dishes that cost $1000 apiece. But lately, the four-figure meal has hit hard times.
• For the lobster, was its family held next to the pot to watch it being boiled? … Okay, for $1000, I’d like to have that happen.
• This is the American Dream. When our ancestors were at Ellis Island – not mine, yours? – there was one thing that sustained them, and that was the thought of dropping $1000 bucks on an omelette.
• This is one of the best $1000 pizzas I’ve ever had. It’s right up there. When I think of pizza, I think “room temperature”, I think “fish roe”, and I think “cashing in the college fund”.
• To match the carbon footprint in this sundae, how many times would I have to fly a Klondike Bar around the world?
• [Reacting to the news that the restaurant hadn’t sold a $1000 sundae since November] Wow. Because the economy has gone down or because $1000 is a criminal amount to charge for a dessert?
• If I gave you another $1000, could I make someone poor watch me eat it?
• My guest tonight is the author of In Defense of Food, so I put barbed wire around his fruit plate.
• You say we make food “fake”. What’s wrong with fake food? We start with fake food, you know? Put away your breast; give the baby formula.
• Pollan: Well, there’s a great example. We have been trying to synthesize breast milk for 150 years, and we still don’t know how to do it. And babies on formula don’t do as well as babies on breast milk, and we don’t know why.
• Stephen: Were you breast-fed?
• Pollan: [searches memory] I don’t know. My mom’s here; I don’t know. We could ask her.
• Stephen: [facing audience] Was he breast-fed?
• Pollan and Stephen: No? No!
• Pollan: *grimacing*
• Stephen: [laughing] You! I demand you apologize to your mother! Apologize to your mother, sir!
• Pollan: [cracking up] It was great; it was great!
• So, as long as I cook for myself, I’m in pretty good shape?
• Pollan: Yeah. Making that one change in your diet would do so much for your health.
• Stephen: I just want to make sure that –
• Pollan: — And deal with the pasty complexion … [goes silent as audience “oohs!” and Stephen stares him, fighting a smile]
• Stephen: Mmm-hmm. You notice I do have wavy hair, Mr. Pollan!
• Pollan: [laughing]
• Stephen: This is what high-fructose corn syrup gets you. Physician, heal thyself!
• Well, that’s it for The Report, everybody. By the way, did you notice the theme running through tonight’s show? It was “Stephen Colbert is awesome.” Goodnight!

• Episode 6040 (3/18/2010)
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• Episode 6037 (3/15/2010)