Episode 5064 (5/11/2009)

epguideiconEPISODE NUMBER: 5064 (May 11, 2009)
GUESTS: Tamara Draut, Jeff Daniels
SEGMENTS: Can people distinguish Pâté from dog food?, Credit card reform, Alpha Dog of the week
VIDEOS: Monday, May 11, 2009

Need to shave off your Chia lip on national television while talking to your old boss? There’s an app for that! “I don’t like you!” “You don’t have to!” Classic!

Stephen Colbert eating Fancy Feast (or whatever he managed to find in a can in the same size as cat food) has got to be one of the top three gross out moments on the show. Other than the Gatorade nipple pump, I can’t think of something that Stephen has done on the show with such an amazingly high cringe factor. The little wink he gave as he stuffed his mouth with whatever that was is what really sealed the deal for me.

The Prescott First American Trust Bank of Midland Triple Advantage Miles Black Platinum Champagne Rewards card was funny. The pre-approved credit car for the credit card (in its own mini-window envelope)? Priceless.

The beauty of tonight’s Alpha Dog of the Week segment is that the funniest parts of the piece fell under the “you can’t make this stuff up” school of comedy. And let’s face it, jokes about wrinkles on dog’s balls will never, ever not be funny. The Smoking Gun web site has a copy of the letter from Erik Slye if you want to read it yourself.

The Jeff Daniels interview was a pleasant surprise. You need to check out the video from the wonderful ColbertNation.com archives to really understand the first part of the interview, and the interview as a whole to be truthfully honest. It’s also interesting to see the totally different look of the first Jeff Daniels interview compared to how interviews are being done now. The set is so dark, and Stephen’s chair is different from the interviewee’s chair. Also, another cool thing about the original Jeff Daniels interview – that outfit is very familiar to those of us who are familiar with some of Stephen’s more popular promo pics.

Man, that was a good show! What did you guys think of it?

  • I don’t know how many times I have to say this, they don’t hold trials for dogs.
  • It’s a follow-up to their landmark survey, “Bet you 25 bucks I can make someone eat dog food.”
  • Who can’t tell the difference between pâté and dog food? Turns out 83% of those studied.
  • Not only is this delicious, it says right here it will make my coat silky. That’s a little on the salty side. [Drinks from water bowl] Much better.
  • Gentleman, you have truly lived up to your motto, “This seemed like a good idea when we were hammered on Merlot.”
  • This credit card has been preapproved for its own credit card!
  • Excuse me, but my credit card company does not use an “anything goes” approach. They simply change their rules and interest rates based on what the credit rule monkey spins on its Rule Randomizing wheel.
  • What’s the bill of rights for my credit card? They have the right to assemble in my wallet.
  • Everyone hates jury duty. Most of us avoid it by pretending to be racist while also pretending to be in labor, as in “Oh, this labor is harder than a Chinese kid’s math homework.”
  • He won the case! The case of Montana Legal System v Dog Ball Wrinkles has set a legal precedent.
  • You seem like a prophet, you’re Nostradaniels!
  • Jeff Daniels: I’m a f@#king genius.
  • Gandolfini would have you whacked.


  1. nerdygirl says:

    Today’s Alpha Dog of the week was featured in FAIL Blog just the other day. I loved Stephen’s reading of his letter. I also loved the Jeff Daniels interview — thanks for the link to the first interview, DB; I think I saw that when it first aired but it was so long ago I’d forgotten it.

  2. mmm…fancy feast.

  3. laughing at nothing says:

    My vet once said that cat food is like crack for dogs. ;D
    Evidently dog food, both dry and canned, is quite bland compared to cat food. I don’t know what that says about Stephen. XD

    • Michele says:

      Cat food is higher in protein and fat.

      I was literally saying, “Please don’t eat the cat food. Please don’t eat the cat food. Please don’t eat the cat food.” out loud to my tv. Then he ate it. That was gross! Ok, it was also funny.

      DB, I’m glad you said to go back and watch the first interview with Jeff Daniels. Last night I thought it was odd and out of place but after watching the previous one it all makes sense.

      I loved the toss! :-)

  4. Some days it just doesn’t pay to watch the show online while I’m eating breakfast. I don’t think I’ll go near any kind of canned food for weeks.

    Loved the Alpha Dog segment, because I’d already seen that guy’s letter on FAIL Blog and thought wow, that takes balls. And a lot of stupid.

    Cute interview!

  5. Jenny with a Y says:

    Excellent episode!!

    I related to the discussion about credit cards. Over the last 2 1/2 years, I’ve been living on a strict budget and using more than half of my paycheck to pay off my credit card debt. I just got so tired of credit card company tactics, which only made my debt worse and made it harder to get out from under it.

    The cringe factor during the pet food segment was high but oh so funny. I wonder if they mocked up a can to look like pet food was in it or if Stephen actually ate pet food. There really isn’t much he won’t do for a laugh is there? :-)

    I loved the Alpha Dog segment. So, the dude won his case but he still had to miss work to go to court. Major fail.

    DB, thanks for providing the link to the previous Jeff Daniels interview. I haven’t seen that episode yet. I’m sure last night’s interview will make more sense to me after I’ve watched video of Daniel’s original interview.

    Yay for TDS/TCR tosses! I’m so happy they are doing them again.

  6. I’m not sure what it says about me (or Stephen) that I didn’t really have any doubts that he would eat cat food for the sake of the comedy (not that he necessarily did – just that he would!)

    Lots to love in last night’s show – the interview was fun, loved the reading of the alpha dog letter, but I howled during the dog food/pate segment, so that got my vote.

    It was the first time in over a week that I was able to watch the show “live” (still trying to catch up on last week’s shows online) – ahhh – what joy (even if I was cleaning up the basement while doing it)!

  7. Gaia Faye says:

    That was totally catfood. I don’t see how any substitute that looks just like it could be much more appetizing.

    Maybe it tastes okay, though. My uncle used to eat dog biscuits, though that might have just been to weird us kiddies out.

  8. Ms Interpreted says:

    I knew — I knew! — Stephen was going to eat that pet food the minute he read off the study’s title. YUCK! It just means yet another instance of me shaking my head and laughing through my grimace as I ask myself, “Oh, Stephen, is there nothing you won’t put in your mouth?” Ew.

    Okay, hilarious as that show was (and it was a doozy, from toss to Alpha Dog ball wrinkles to Jeff Daniels flashback hilarity), my favorite part of the show was in that “Credit Check” segment. It was this fact that killed me: Stephen’s credit agreement read, “Should the borrower be found in default of payment more than fifteen days, we shall bear thee away to the houses of lamentation, beyond all darkness, where thy flesh shall be devoured, and thy shrivelled mind be left naked to the Lidless Eye.” Holy Lord of the Rings (The Return of the King) shout-out, Batman!! The Tolkien fan in me totally geeked out. (If you need a reference, think Dernhelm/Éowyn facing off against the Lord of the Nazgûl.) I laughed myself silly over that one.

    Excellent, excellent show.

    • I wasn’t 100% sure, but I had a feeling that line about the eye was from LORT. : )

    • So glad you caught the LOTR reference. I miss them every time. My childhood read-once-a-year, memorize the lines and characters trilogy was “Hitchhiker’s Guide.” (Except Mostly Harmless – I refuse to reread that book or consider it canon.) If he was making Vogon poetry or God’s Final Message to His Creation references, I’d be all over that.

      • Ms Interpreted says:

        Heh, that is a good one. Since I don’t have time to add anything substantive to this comment, I’ll sign off with a, “So long, and thanks for all the fish.”

  9. wildlymissingthemark says:

    The first thing I thought of when Stephen was eating the cat food was what Jon Stewart said in his Viggo Mortensen interview back in the day. Viggo was horsing around and Jon said, “I think you just got yourself un-laid.”

  10. You know what would be really funny? If that “cat food” was actually pâté. Do they sell it in small cans like that? I can’t remember, I don’t go pâté shopping that often (meaning never).

  11. forsakinghalfloves says:

    Hey, that’s a MasterCard campaign! :) (emphasis mine)

    The Prescott First American Trust Bank of Midland Triple Advantage Miles Black Platinum Champagne Rewards card was funny. The pre-approved credit car for the credit card (in its own mini-window envelope)? Priceless.

    Loved the toss. Jon and Stephen are like siblings fighting all the time. So adorable. :)

    Today’s Alpha Dog just couldn’t take time off from work to report to jury duty so he wrote a mean (to put it mildly) letter. He also couldn’t take time off from work to write the letter himself. Some news blogs are reporting his wife actually wrote that letter for him.

    The desk guest was very informative. While a credit card to some extent does indicate that you’re capable of handling money, I don’t like their tactics they just so they can get someone to sign on (one card company here had a tie-in with a shoe store so we get a pair when we apply) or so they can get someone to pay up.

    Would love to read Jeff Daniels’ play if I can’t see it. The story’s an interesting look at families and how they function in a specific reality or society, a topic I’m also hoping to explore in my grad thesis.

    • laughing at nothing says:

      Can you imagine the wife who has to write that letter verbatim for her husband? Very sad.

      DH works at a university and will occasionally end up receiving a student’s credit card bill. He said most of the students have +25% interest rates! Wasn’t there a time when rates this high were actually illegal?

  12. I’d like to give Tip of the Hat to the Alpha Dog segment — I agree with DB in that the “you can’t make this stuff up” school of comedy is one of my most favorite things. I appreciate the simple fact that this guy (or whoever wrote the letter) had the balls to mail it. He may have had to take off work to go to court to apologize, but at least he got out of jury duty, which can sometimes take longer than just one day.

    I died laughing when Stephen ate the Fancy Feast — I’m pretty sure that was *actual* cat food. From my days of being a cat owner, it looked a helluva lot like it, so I don’t think it was pate. I gotta say though, the cringe factor (aka: hiding behind a couch pillow yelling, “No, Stephen, don’t do it!” as he opened the can) sort of did me in. I could hear hubby’s tummy churning from the other side of the living room too. He really will do just about anything for a laugh, which is why Stephen is awesome-tastic.

  13. I voted for the very cringe worthy “Fancy Feast” moment, (that can look sealed so I’m pretty sure it was the real thing). Did he have kitty/tuna breath afterwards? GAH! That was so horrible/funny. Jeff Daniels was a lot of fun fooling w/ Stephen and the toss was a hoot. I also enjoyed Jon’s WHCD shout out to Stephen’s “titanium balls.” :)

  14. Laaaura says:

    I was dying of laughter as Stephen was eating that catfood. And yeah, I believe that it was actual Fancy Feast catfood. And then when he started licking from the bowl ,that made it even more hilarious. I was cringing way more when Stephen got those big spiders put on him, than I was while watching him eat catfood.

    The letter the Alpha Dog of the week wrote was so funny. Wow.

    • Yes, that would definitely be in the Top 3 cringeworthy moments. It was simultaneously amazing and terrifying that he had those things crawling all over him. And I keep tarantulas as pets!

  15. ColbertGirl27 says:

    Such a solid episode that I don’t know where to begin!

    1. I loved the toss and I actually would enjoy seeing Stephen grow a light, thin mustache for a little while. Well, I guess I’ve seen him as Esteban:)

    2. I voted for the cat food segment. I loved that he ate the cat food TWICE! That segment was deliciously gross.

    3. I’ve never been a big fan of Jeff Daniels which may be rooted in my intense dislike for Dumb and Dumber, but I recognize that he has a broad range and can hold his own in the theatre world. Did Stephen know Jeff Daniels before his FIRST appearance on the show? Was there some reason he chose him to be on one of the first shows? I absolutely loved the first Daniels interview. Stephen is glowing in that interview…and I love his hair! Interesting to see him drop character so much in such an early episode.

    4. Last but not least, I’m loving all these sign-offs for the fangirls recently. Keep them coming Stephen!

  16. Bristly black face stallion!
    Mouth hat and/or nose shoe!

    Oh, how I wish they’d do more tosses.

  17. Laaaura says:

    I wonder how strong or weak Stephen prescription is for his glasses. Last night he took off his glasses to read the credit card contract and you could see him looking ahead at the prompter, but how could he read the prompter without his glasses!? Maybe the font was really large at that part? I couldn’t figure it out.

    Random question: Is Jeff Daniels the guest who one time when Stephen ran over to start the interview they were horsing around and pushed the chairs away, then went to the audience and dove across their laps? Because I thought Jeff Daniels looked like him, but then I didn’t think his name matched or sounded familiar, so I was confused. I can’t think of the actor’s name for the life of me. Maybe I’m going crazy and that guest and Jeff Daniels don’t even look alike, but I still want to go watch this interview I’m thinking about now, when Stephen ran and dove into the laps of the audience members.

    That old Jeff Daniels interview is funny though, how Stephen is basically sitting in a throne, compared to the guest’s chair. And I love that promo picture from the episode. Stephen looks really cute and I like how his hair looks a bit messy.

    • Ms Interpreted says:

      You’re thinking of Tim Robbins.

    • ColbertGirl27 says:

      I’d never seen that second interview with Tim Robbins when all that crazy jumping over the audience takes place! That was a great second interview. Thanks guys!

      Tim needs to come back to fill up his coffee card:)

  18. Nothing is safe from Stephen’s tongue…

    The alpha dog segment was great. What’s funny is that at first I sympathized with the guy, cause trail duty really does suck when you have a family to take care of, but by the time we got to the insults I was laughing my head of.

  19. lulubelle says:

    I do believe that Fancy Feast just received the “Colbert Bump”!

  20. I loved the whole show but I voted for the cat food bit because I’m convinced it was real and it was just making me cry with laughter. “Alpha Dog” was hilarious and I loved the Jeff Daniels interview. I loved at the end when Daniels tried to reference Stephen’s “mask” and Stephen wouldn’t let him :)

    I didn’t notice the hair being different so I’ll have to look at it again. Another fun Monday show! And a great toss too!

    Laaaura I have wondered about Stephen’s prescription too. If you look at film of the “brawl” with Jon and Conan, Stephen carefully takes off his glasses at the start but I don’t get the impression he can’t see anything. He seems to always be wearing them off-stage though. Maybe he needs them to read and drive.

  21. I loved the toss. every second of it. how cheery.
    however I was very disappointed not to have purchased any unicorns in my dream last night, what a letdown.

    (interesting glasses thoughts yall were having. I know my eyes are much younger, but without my glasses I would need quite gigantic letters.)

    also this is very lazy for me to be commenting right now when I actually got to watch the show at 11:30 PM for the first time in months!

  22. forsakinghalfloves says:

    I kinda cringed when Stephen tossed his glasses on the desk to read the credit card agreement. I guess I was pretty traumatized by my own experience with glasses so I always try to be careful about where I place them or how I clean them. I was 4 when I started wearing them, and the kids in my kindergarten class would snatch them out of my face and run away with them, so I couldn’t really chase after them to get my glasses back. They even broke it once. :(

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