Episode 5046 (4/7/2009)

epguideiconEPISODE NUMBER: 5046 (April 7, 2009)
GUEST: Queen Noor
SEGMENTS: The WØRD: Morally Bankrupt, Better Know a District
VIDEOS: Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Sorry about the early morning Guide today – I went to bed a bit early last night. I have to get to bed before 12a on rare occasions, unfortunately.

The WØRD was really funny – the morality lessons in the rerun clips were absolutely hysterical in a low-brow way that was still classier than the pig vaginas the contestants were eating. And how funny was BKAD? Good lord, I had to stop the TiVo three times so I could just stop laughing. Yay for the NAFTA/NAMBLA reference! Evil Congressmen Maffei was a total hoot. How about that Wexler callback? That’s one of the best BKAD segments I’ve seen in ages.

(On a more personal note: Once, for Halloween, I showed up at work in my regular clothes but a goatee. People would ask me who I was and I would say, “I’m evil DB, of course!” No one got it. I hated that job.)

Queen Noor was delightful, and she did an outstanding job of talking about nuclear proliferation in the face of Stephen’s silliness. And Stephen begging to be knighted was beyond adorable. Needy Stephen is just the cutest thing ever.

So what did you kiddos think of the show? Did you enjoy it as much as I did, or is it just my coffee talking?

  • It’s not my first royal. I’ve sat down with John King, Larry King, and the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
  • I’m a little nervous after all the uproar over Michelle Obama when she, and I believe I’m getting this right, gave Queen Elizabeth a reacharound.
  • That dying gasp you hear isn’t just from 60 minutes.
  • Unfortunately for Bill, a week earlier Steve Jobs received mosquitoes with WiFi [And It’s A Phone].
  • [“You Better Hope He Doesn’t Like Chocolate, Girlfriend!”]
  • I believe that this is TV’s proudest moment. [Suck It, “Roots”]
  • [I Would Tap That Revenue]
  • The Vagina is Not The Most Nutritious Part of the Pig.
  • “Don’t Poop on the Floor” – Words to not poop by [Catch VH1’s Celebrity Poop-Off!].
  • As far as I’m concerned, PCB stands for Put Carp in Belly. Come on X-ray vision!
  • The Golden Plates also won [Joseph Smith] a free tour of Jesus’s chocolate factory.
  • No hard feelings, New York’s 25th district, just a little heads up that someone up there owes me 7 year’s pay with 174 years interest.
  • You came out pretty strongly against NAFTA. But isn’t that a pretty safe position to take? I don’t think men should be having sex with underage boys! Down with NAFTA!
  • So few politicians are willing to give NAMBLA a fair chance.
  • Evil Congressman Maffei, let’s say a few things the Good Congressman Maffei would never say. I enjoy cocaine because
  • “Do you ever wish you were cool?” “All the time.”
  • Why work so hard, are you trying to make Queen Elizabeth look lazy?
  • What is Global Zero, it’s not a diet soft drink, is it?
  • No no, the most important thing is that we have more bombs than Russia.
  • I’ll make a deal – I’ll sign the declaration, if you’ll knight me.
  • I’m as needy as a child.
  • Ah, you have negotiated before.


  1. Laaaura says:

    The shotgunning of the beer was one of the funniest things. Seeing the congressman struggle to even get the can open and seeing the beer go all over Stephen when he opened it. omg. lmfao! The evil sides of each of them was hilarious, as well. And NAMBLA. ahaha, what an awesome BKAD. That congressman was so great!

    The Word was funny too with the moral messages in the current reality shows. Haha!

    “The Golden Plates also won [Joseph Smith] a free tour of Jesus’s chocolate factory.” That may have been my favorite quote of the night!

    What a great show, overall!

  2. I was so tickled by the hicup (sp) ending! What a terrific show.

  3. Love the whole show including the hilarious BKAD but had to vote for the squee-inducing knighting of Stephen by Queen Noor w/ Aragorn’s sword.

  4. Such a close call for me! I went with BKAD because it was just hysterically funny. I loved the Evil Twins! And the shotgunning of the beer was a riot! I don’t think I’ve seen anyone do that since college. I also enjoyed the interview with Queen Noor and seeing needy Stephen be knighted. I LOL’d when she made him sign the pledge first! Good Word segment too. :-)

  5. Argh!!! I can’t decide. Okay, the word – he talked to bullet, plus those “socially relevant” messages edited into the re-reuns. Wait, BKAD – from the golden ticket to the evil twins and … but, he got knighted with Aragorn’s sword! Just have to choose everything, I guess! A really fun night, plus a wonderful interview where the guest spoke on point, and “KNIGHTED” STEPHEN! She was a great sport.

  6. I had to vote for BKAD — who knew we’d be able to relive the Wexler interview all over again? As I’m watching Stephen ask him those questions, I’m thinking in my head, “There’s no way he’ll play along. He *had* to have seen the Wexler interview.” But to my great delight, he went along with it…what a wonderful It-Getter! And shotgunning the beer totally did me in — I was a puddle of hysterical laughter on my living room floor.

    What a wonderful, wonderful show!

    • Jenny with a Y says:

      I was surprised and thrilled to see the Congressman play along with everything Stephen threw at him. Last night’s BKAD segment is now one of my all-time favorites. I ending up watching it online several times because I kept laughing too much to catch all of the jokes.

      I loved EVERYTHING about this episode!! It was wonderful to laugh so hard.

      And, I agree that Stephen is adorable when he’s needy. Or should I say Sir Stephen? :-)

  7. This was one of the best episodes of the Colbert Report ever, in my opinion. Every segment had me laughing aloud. I’m not voting for my favorite part this time because I’d hate to put one segment ahead of the others – how can you choose between “The vagina is not the most nutritious part of the pig”, “Let’s shotgun a beer and talk about cocaine and prostitutes”, and getting “knighted” with Aragorn’s sword by one of the world’s most respected (and respectable) women? I just can’t!

  8. Oh how I miss BKAD. It was completely amazing last night, as was the rest of the show. It was awesome to see another outgoing, ballsy interviewee who’s not afraid to open up and have a good time.

    So many memories in that episode! “I enjoy coccaine,” and the Viggo sword…and when he mentioned NAMBLA I about flipped. He said in one of his Fresh Air interviews that when he was at one of the conventions during the 2004 election (I believe it was that year) he was gonig up and talking to as many people as he could; he came up to one woman and said he was from NAMBLA when she asked, and she obviously didn’t know what that meant, going on to just welcome him very happily. Turned out that woman works with one of his siters. XD

    • ColbertGirl27 says:

      That was a great Fresh Air interview. Stephen also mentioned that the guy he bothered while Kerry was giving his speech turned out to be the speechwriter. Haha!

  9. ColbertGirl27 says:

    I voted for the BKAD because I was tickled by the Wexler callback. I love how Stephen made it easier for this Congressman by allowing him to pretend to be an evil twin:)

    That said, I am thrilled that Queen Noor knighted Stephen because now I can honestly say that he is my knight in shining armor;)

  10. I can’t believe I didn’t vote for the interview, Queen Noor is so d#$% impressive … but I could not pass up Stephen shotgunning a Budweiser.! omg. That man will do anything for a laugh, and he’ll do it all out. Also, of course, the evil twins were hilarious too, and NAMBLA.

    The interview was great as well. Loved her composure, how she got her message across and played along as well, and of course how she made him sign BEFORE knighting him. I thought “wow, that’s one hell of a sword Stephen!” — I didn’t remember that it was Aragorn’s. How foolish of me!

    Great episode all around. even the hiccup ending was silly fun.

  11. SazzrahUK says:

    What an amazing episode, I was pretty much hysterically laughing all the way through! Every segment was equally brilliant, even the hiccup ending! But I voted for the BKAD as I never thought I’d see Stephen shotgun a beer =D awesome.

  12. its not his first royalty, but its his first queen… same for jon me thinks.. (first queen)

  13. mrtigger001 says:

    BKAD just stole the show last night.

    Also, I am becoming more and more convinced the BKAD drought is now officially dead.

  14. Anyone notice that he actually signed the document “Eugene…”? He also closed the document up really quickly after doing so. I don’t think Queen Noor caught on.

    I did a quick search on this site, and apparently this isn’t the first time he’s pulled that stunt:


  15. Charlene says:

    I have to wholeheartedly agree with alllll the comments praising the BKAD– how ballsy for the congressman to don the fake goatee! He was so adorably nerdy against Stephen’s super-ego-that’s-really-nerdy, imo. :D

    And am I the only one who cracked up at Stephen’s “Christopher Meloni raised HIV awareness by spending the entire episode with a condom on his head??” Of course pig vaginas were good too.

  16. I feel silly for not knowing what that sword was. I dunno if that’s being a kinda still new fan, or not know LOTR stuff or what.

    all in all I thought it was great. I approved very heartily of the BKAD!!! Maffei was really cool.

  17. That probably had to be the funniest BKAD ever! This is one of those episodes where I have a definite favorite, but everything in the show is absolutely awesome.

    How delightful was it when Stephen was eagerly trying to tell Queen Moor about the sword? Aw Stephen, you lovable nerd. :-)

    • Michele says:

      I know! I was thinking the same thing. He seemed to really want to tell her where it came from.

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