Episode 5027 (2/25/2009)

It’s Ash Wednesday. For Lent, I’m giving up listening. This is The Colbert Report!”


Yakety Barack: “Tonight: Obama’s address to Congress. Or, at least what I can hear through [puts fingers in his ears] BLEAHBLEAHBLEAHBLEAHBLEAH!”!

  • Bobby Jindal: Republican party’s new rock star
  • Barack Obama’s Congressional Address

The Wørd: Ablacknophobia

Segment 2:

  • Tip of the Hat/Wag of the Finger
    • Wag: Gorillas
    • Wag: Mahatma Ghandi

Doomtown: “And, my guest Mayor John Fetterman is offering up his bankrupt town for experiments. Sounds like a good place to move Gitmo!”

  • Guest Mayor John Fetterman

In closing: “Well, that’s it for the show everybody. Remember, if you are still watching analog TV, you can’t see this. Take action! G’night!”

Video Highlight:

The Word – Ablacknophobia
Stephen talks about race while passing his hand through an open flame, eating dollar store peanut butter, and getting covered in tarantulas.

R.A.P.S. – Click here to talk about the episode!

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website

  • Intro – 2/25/09: Mayor John Fetterman offers up his bankrupt town for experiments — sounds like a good place to move Gitmo.
  • Barack Obama’s Congressional Address: If you need more proof that Barack Obama’s speech was a stinker, even Congress wasn’t paying attention.
  • Tip/Wag: Ghandi’s Expensive Shoes: Gandhi was living in his own “Sex and the City” shoe fantasy.
  • John Fetterman: Mayor John Fetterman believes Braddock, Pennsylvania is a great place to spend some of the stimulus money.
  • Analog TV: Remember, if you are still watching analog TV, you can’t see this.

NOTABLE MOMENTS

  • A man whose charisma even I have to admit can only be rivaled by a giant Brad Pitt made out of puppies. I am speaking, of course, of Bobby Jindal.
  • Now, it is clear that the Republican party has a new rock star. In that Jindal appears the body fat of Iggy Pop on Free Heroin Day.
  • Monitoring volcanoes totally ruins the surprise!
  • Republicans know all we need to control volcanoes is to sacrifice a virgin. That, that is why they support abstinence education.
  • Jimmy, let’s look at the rest of the highlights! Oh, there are none?
  • That’s why they retired his number 43 to the Capitol rafters, next to FDR’s wheelchair and Taft’s bathing tarp.
  • So I would say George Bush won this round. Sorry, Big O! That’s what you get for filling your speeches with words, instead of pauses and confident squints.
  • Now, for those of you who are not familiar with The Twitter, it is a new technology that allows people to post short text messages that anyone can see, first pioneered by the extremely former Congressman Mark Foley.
  • Let’s take a peek at their tweets. Texas Congressman Michael C. Burgess: “Somehow the best seats are reserved for the Senators.” Meee-ow!
  • Colorado Congressman Jared Polis: “they made me turn my computer off.” Evidently he can tweet with his mind!
  • And West Virginia’s Robert Byrd: “what is this? hello? hello? Klondike 845 Please …—…” When he panics, he reverts to Morse Code.
  • Did you hear that? He just said, and I quote: “Stephen Colbert is a coward.”
  • Fact is, it takes courage not to talk about race, with all the peer pressure from people like Eric Holder. “Oh, come on, man! All the cool kids are talking about Mexicans!” [Lou Dobbs is Cool?]
  • It’s basically the same concentration you need to see a Magic Eye Poster: I see a black guy!
  • OFFENSIVE! For the record, not all white people clap like that. Many of us snap and stomp. [At a Dave Matthews Band Concert]
  • You know who else talks about race, folks? [New Jersey State Troopers] The KKK. They talk about race all the time. And I’m going to go out on a limb here and say it hasn’t helped.
  • (Passing his hand through flame) There were no black people at my Superbowl party!
  • Right now, we’re going to have a little dialogue about race, while you cover me with tarantulas.
  • Oh-ho-ho-hooo…. OH OH MY GOD. So… so Duke. What’s it like to be black?
  • Were you, were you offended — oh, sh!t! Were you offended by that uh, that chimpanzee cartoon in the New York Post?
  • I am so sorry for slavery, just take the spider off my head! TAKE. THE SPIDER. OFF. MY HEAD.
  • Did it lay eggs in my hair?
  • Wow. So this is what talking about race is like. It’s terrifying! I guess I am a coward.
  • Well, Attorney General Holder, looks like I owe you an apology. You are welcome on my show any time for a frank conversation about race. As long as I can cover you with spiders.
  • First, a wag of my finger at gorillas. And, don’t pretend you can’t understand me, gorillas, I know some of you speak sign language.
  • YOU DAMNED DIRTY APES, YOU GAVE US CRABS!!!
  • “Honey, I didn’t bang that gorilla, I was just using its sleeping site!”
  • Now we know why Mario was so mad at that Donkey. [pause] Kong. I gotta say, I haven’t recovered from those spiders yet.
  • That’s right, Mr. Renounce-All-Material-Possessions-I’ll-Just-Have-a-Cup-of-Lemon-Juice-In-My-Urine was walking around in $20 grand flip-flops!
  • From the Fetterman interview:

    • Stephen: Now, you are the mayor of Braddock, Pennsylvania, correct?
      Fetterman: That’s correct.
      Stephen: Do you have any tarantulas there?
      Fetterman: Just got rid of ‘em recently, so it’s safe for you to come.
      Stephen: (indicating Fetterman’s beard) Because I wasn’t sure what this was.
    • Stephen: When you say your town is open for urban experimentation, are you taking part in these experiments? Because you look like you received a dose of gamma radiation.
    • Stephen: You know what you should do with that money, because this always revitalizes the place — put in skyboxes. ‘Cause then you get the, you know, the big-ticket clients.
      Fetterman: We were actually hoping for a Colbert museum of some kind in town, to, to uh —
      Stephen: Well, you know, I am looking for the Stephen Colbert Museum and Gift Shop location. We had one in Colbert County, Alabama. Uh, but uh, we were either driven out of town, or abandoned their community, I can’t remember which.
    • Stephen: I assume you have a lot of French & Indian War re-enactments down there.
      Fetterman: Well, actually, not surprisingly, we did have one on the 250th anniversary –
      Stephen: One? You had one? You guys do need more business.

Fangirl Suit Report: Charcoal grey suit, light blue shirt with barrel cuffs, red, white and navy diagonal striped tie, WristStrong bracelet.

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