Episode 5025 (2/23/09)

When life deal you lemons, make scrambled eggs. I make the worst scrambled eggs. This is The Colbert Report!”


In God We Invest: “The economic crisis drives people back to church. I assume to skim off the collection plates.”

  • Stephen celebrates a day of prayer for himself.
  • Father James Martin explains why people are seeking religion during the recession.

Oscar Grouch: “I look at the Oscar winners, which, evidently, are being outsourced to India.”

  • Stephen assesses the results of the DaColbert Code
  • He blames Sean Penn for misleading him about who would win best actor

Searching for Helen Fisher: “My guest tonight is Professor Helen Fisher, who has a new theory on matchmaking. Me too: Colbert plus you equals magic!”

  • Helen Fisher’s quiz matches compatible people
  • When Stephen is in love with Charlene, he is crazy
  • Stephen is an explorer type

THE COLBERT BUMP – YOU’RE GETTING IT:

Helen FisherWhy Time, Why Her: Finding Real Love by Understanding Your Personality Type


In closing: “Well, folks, it is midnight. That means my prayer day is officially over. I gotta say I’m a little disappointed I didn’t get my car, I didn’t even multiple loaves and — oh my God. The bread and the fish have miraculously become breaded fish sticks! Who wants fish sticks? Good night everybody!”

Video Highlight:

The DaColbert Code – Oscar Winners
Clearly Sean Penn is to blame for Stephen doubting the DaColbert Code.

R.A.P.S. – Click here to talk about the episode!

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website

NOTABLE MOMENTS

  • Nation, I’m a humble man, just like Jesus. We have so much in common. He was a carpenter, I assemble IKEA furniture. [at furniture] “I will see you in Hell!”
  • Plus, millions pray in his name, and now, thanks to an organization called Master Media International, millions are doing the same for me. Long time viewers of the Report know that Master Media International is a non-profit organization whose name in now way sounds like a shell corporation for a super-villain.
  • Every year, the good folks at Master Media put out the Media Leader Prayer Calendar, which asks Americans to pray for a different power media figure or cultural influencer every day of the year. Of course, it is in alphabetical order, just as God intended all prayers to be. More proof the Lord is not a fan of ZZ-Top.
  • Today, February 23rd, is my prayer day.
  • I would prefer if your cheers were in the form of prayers for me to get a new Jaguar XK with cotton candy airbags. Who cares when the ambulance gets there?
  • This year, the prayer day for Stephen Colbert falls right between the days for Glenn Close and Coldplay. Now two years ago I was between Glenn Close and Phil Collins, which can only mean that Coldplay has had its prayers answered to become the new Phil Collins. Congratulations fellas.
  • I am twenty-three and half hours into my prayer day, so I’m guessing I’m pretty juiced up on the prayers, and I’m gonna let a miracle rip. Something that’s a real crowd pleaser. What do you say multiplying a little loaves and fishes?
  • Alright you two, alright you two, multiple. Get it on. I assume that how this works. You know what let’s give them some privacy.
  • There’s one very important person out there who has not prayed for me yet, and that is me. Let’s fix that right now. I’m going to get into my proper prayer attire. Got my lucky pray attire. Gotta have some prayer nosh. Oh, bagel chips, truly they are the chosen snack. And of course, I need my patented prayer hands. Jesus number 1!
  • Let us pray. Dear Lord, this is an anonymous prayer. Please give Stephen Colbert whatever he wants, starting with really well-defined lats. I mean like muscle wings. Heat and x-ray vision, so he can melt people hiding behind walls. Adamantium clause, a 10, no 15 percent discount at The Olive Garden for the remainder of February. Play ball!
  • Miracle hat!
  • You know, speaking of the Almighty, it’s often said that when God closes a door he opens a window. Now I assumed that window was on the ’87 Ford Taurus we’ll all soon be living in, but it turns out that window is in fact made of stained glass.
  • Americans are flocking back to the flock, and not just because communion counts as a meal. In bad times, people turn to the Lord for comfort and guidance. According to a Texas State University study, during each recession cycle between 1968 and 2004, the rate of growth in evangelical churches jumped by 50%, which makes sense, because we all know evangelical churches don’t care about money.
  • Of course, America is not alone in turning to religion. Pews are packed as far away as Singapore and Canada, where they worship their vengeful beaver god with offerings of back bacon and donuts.
  • Some church leaders, I believe, are over-reacting in this time of faith-flation. Like English Catholic Bishop Cardinal Cormac Murphy O’Connor O’Toole O’Leprechaun, who applaudes this recent recession.
  • Wrong, Padre! You cannot buy a new car with neighbors, yet, but once we switch to the barter system I’m going to get an Audi Q7 in exchange for the Hendersons.
  • Remember, the Bible says, “for what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?” Give up? The answer is the whole world. It’s one of those obvious riddles like “who’s buried in Grant’s tomb?” and “am I my brother’s keeper?”
  • Now here to tell me why I should not give up the good life for a life of poverty and devotion, is a man who gave up the good life for a life of poverty and devotion, please welcome the Colbert Report chaplain, Father James Martin.
  • Stephen: You were in finance, and you gave that up to become a Jesuit priest and took a vow of poverty.
  • Father James Martin: I was at GE for six years, before I saw the light, so to speak.
  • Stephen: Do you ever feel, these days, that you were poor before being poor was cool? Like you were into this band before everyone else and everyone’s jumping on your poverty wagon.
  • Stephen: Does God not want me to have things? Have you ever been in an Audi AAL. That’s as close to heaven as I’ve ever been.
  • Stephen: Why is lack of money equated with an increase of faith or vocations? Why do those things go together?
  • Martin: Well, I mean, everyone needs a certain few things to exist, you need food, clothing shelter, but if you tie yourself to your possessions, your possession start owning you. I think it’s more about freedom, and the vow of freedom that we Jesuits take, that religious orders take, is more about being free, following Christ, being free to serve other people, and also identifying and having compassion with the poor. So it’s mostly about freedom.
  • Stephen: Do you think the church can take advantage of this time, can they say anything to the flock to increase this flood that’s coming, to not only Catholic churches, but all sorts of religions across the world?
  • Martin: When people feel more vulnerable, like times of recession or poverty, their defenses are lowered, and it’s easier for God to break through.
  • Stephen: You make God sound like an opportunistic virus. Your words sir, your words, not mine. Try that in a sermon sometime.
  • Stephen: He says, “I am thee whom thou seekest.”
  • Martin: It’s not that God is any more present, we’re just more open. I don’t wish these bad times on anyone, but I wish that people see that they’re vulnerable and let God into their lives a little bit more.
  • Stephen: Do you ever feel tempted to call up all your other friends who were still in finance and rode this bomb all the way down to the target, just call them up and say “nanny nanny boo boo” which I assume is Latin?
  • Technically, there’s no way to gauge prayer volume. I even stole this E-meter from the Scientology bookstore. Nice people, way too trusting. So far all it’s told me is that I’m a hot tamale.
  • I should be more infused than a Vodka-soaked watermelon. Security found this wallet in the audience holding area, and there is quite a bit of cash inside, quite high denominations. Should I try to find its owner, or keep it for me. Hmmm, moral dimensions…what to do…what to DO.
  • Excuse me, sir, did you lose this? [I think I did.] Well, let’s see here. *shoots him* [owwww, can I have my health insurance card?]
  • I clearly did the wrong thing there. You people are not praying hard enough. I’m really disappointed.
  • There is one gift that I am clearly embued with, and that is the ancient and mysterious power of the DaColbert Code.
  • Last week, I predicted the Oscars’ big five awards, using the DaCode.
  • I turns out, Jackman, is not just his name, it’s an order.
  • What truly alarmed me, folks, was the winner in the best actor category.
  • No! I should never have questioned the all-seeing eye of the DaCode. The code said Sean Penn and I doubted it, so there is no one to blame here but Sean Penn, I hate you. You know what? I am still calling the DaColbert code five for five on this one folks, so clearly I can see the future.
  • Though even I could never have predicted that Kate Winslet’s dad is Dick Cheney.
  • My guest tonight has a new theory on matchmaking. She had me at theory.
  • Stephen: What happens at Chemistry.com that’s different from Match.com?
  • Helen Fisher: Match.com you do the shopping yourself. On Chemistry.com, you take my questionnaire, 7 million people have in 39 countries, and then we match you. You don’t put your picture out there, the world isn’t looking at you with five people a day.
  • Stephen: Is this a breeding experiment. Because if you’re doing the matching, it sounds like a cult.
  • Fisher: I think everybody wants to be part of this cult. They want to find the right person. I mean love is powerful. It is one of the most powerful brain systems on Earth. I mean people live for love, they kill for love, they die for love, they pine for love, they write about love.
  • Stephen: People talk about sometimes love, when they say it’s chemistry, they’re trying to sort of simply explain the mystery of it. Isn’t that even more complicated? Did you take chemistry? It’s a really seriously complicated subject. I remember something about covalent bonds and that’s it.
  • Fisher: I remember the bonds part.
  • Stephen: So, is there some way in which it really is chemistry?
  • Fisher: I think it’s chemistry. I mean you can know every single piece of chemistry in a piece of chocolate cake and still feel the joy when you eat it in the same way there’s chemistry to love. We’ve put 49 people who are madly in love in to a brain scanner and watched some of that chemistry in action.
  • Stephen: What happens to your brain when you’re in love?
  • Fisher: You go crazy.
  • Stephen: Really, you go insane? Are there similarities to the behavior of an insane brain and a love brain. When you’re in love, you go insane in the membrane.
  • Stephen: Let’s just say I’m in love, let’s pick a name at random, a girl named Charlene. What happens to my brain when I’m in love?
  • Fisher: Dopamine starts to spread through what we call the awards system, giving you feels of intense craving, motivation, obsessive thinking, you’ve got somebody camping in your head.
  • Stephen: And camping in their front yard.
  • Fisher: Tremendous energy, euphoria when things are going well, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, the person is very special, they’re the only person on Earth.
  • Stephen: You say there are different types, four distinct personality types.
  • Fisher: We’re all a combination of all of them. I call them the explorer, the builder, the director, and the negotiator.
  • Stephen: Do you have one called the yeller?
  • Fisher: You, I think, are a total explorer.
  • Stephen: I think I’m getting a little crush on me right now.
  • Stephen: What’s your batting average?
  • Fisher: 81% of people come back from their first date and say they want to go on a second one.
  • Stephen: That’d be pretty good for the majors.

Fangirl Suit Report: Black jacket, white shirt with barrel cuffs, yellow tie, WristStrong Bracelet.

If you're new to our Zoner community, please read the No Fact Zone Comment Policy before commenting. Thank you!