Episode 5024 (2/12/2009)

Segment 1:

  • Stephen wishes Abraham Lincoln a happy birthday
  • Obama campaign poster debate: David Ross vs. Ed Colbert

Segment 2:

  • The DaColbert Code: Oscar predictions

Segment 3:

  • Guest: Adam Gopnik, author


Adam GopnikAngels and Ages: A Short Book About Darwin, Lincoln, and Modern Life

In closing: Farewell to Conan O’Brien

Video Highlight:

Obama Poster Debate – David Ross and Ed Colbert:
David Ross and Ed Colbert debate the copyright issues surrounding Shepard Fairey’s Obama poster.

R.A.P.S. – Click here to talk about the episode!

NOTABLE MOMENTS � Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website


  • Of course, I am the only one who can express my birthday wishes in person. [Brings out the Lincoln skull]
  • Alright Heroes, help me out. [Sings] Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday American’s greatest non-Reagan president, happy birthday to you.
  • Oh my God! No wonder he was able to end slavery, lead our country in its darkest hour, and whip off quotable aphorisms: he was a unicorn! Mary Todd wasn’t crazy after all. I’ve always wondered why a 6’5 guy would wear an 11 inch hat.
  • Blur it Jimmy, blur it! Blur it!
  • Then again, it’s hard not to find any photo with Obama looking hopefully into the future.
  • This guy scares the crap out of me, and if you saw my colonoscopy yesterday, you know there’s not much left in there.
  • My gut tells me that everyone is right. I haven’t been this confused since the last time I watched Wheel of Fortune. Raining bats and logs? Fats and cogs? Quit your mind games Sejak!
  • Alright, now for a differing opinion here, we turn to the Colbert Report’s resident copyright lawyer, from the firm of Kenyon & Kenyon, my brother Ed. Ed, two quick questions: first of all, Colbert [hard T] or Colbert [bear]?
    • Ed: Colbert. [hard T]
    • Stephen: See you in hell.
  • Hey! I’m talking to my brother.
  • Ross: If someone had a photograph of you and was selling it, and they didn’t give you a percentage of that, you would have a very good case. But if you were a public figure–
    • Stephen: I’m not a public figure?
    • Ross: You are a commercial public figure, so you can make money. But if you were running for office, you’re not doing it to make money.
    • Stephen: I did run for office! Have you ever watched this show?!
  • Ed, can I point something out? You have defended the AP, the photographer, and Obama without distinction.
    • Ed: Of course.
    • Stephen: How is that possible?
    • Ed: I’m a lawyer.
    • Stephen: Well, who do you really think is right?
    • Ed: Who’s paying me?
    • Stephen: Let’s say I’m paying you, who is really right?
    • Ed: Shepard Fairey.
  • Ladies and gentlemen, I have been gifted with one arcane and mystical power: to find patterns where none exist. The American Psychiatric Association calls it “schizophrenia”. I call it the DaColbert Code.
  • Warning, if Christian Bale accepts for him, nobody walk through his eyeline.
  • Daniel Day Lewis, Emmanuel Lewis, Rahm Emmanuel, CD-ROM, CD Hotel, Eliot Spitzer, Eliot, ET phone home, homosexual, gay rights, gay rights activist Harvey Milk played by Sean Penn. No! No! No, I won’t have it. Give me a minute. Sean Penn, pen writing words, pen writing words Mickey Rourke!
  • President Obama, take all the bailout money and bet it on the White House Oscar pool. It’s sure as sh** safer than a bank.
  • Alright, give me your theory about how Darwin assassinated Lincoln. I smell bestseller!
  • You know, Stevie Wonder and I had the same birthday.
    • Gopnik: I’d heard.
    • Stephen: Go! Link us together. Use your astrology or whatever.
    • Gopnik: I could make a sequel out of that.
  • Darwin drove a stake through God’s heart with his work.
  • That was very big of him, that was very big of him to be tolerant. I’m going to mention that to my wife tonight: “Honey, I’m very tolerant of your beliefs.”
  • Not a liberal democracy, he was a Republican.
    • Gopnik: That’s right, but a Republican at that moment was much more, what we would now call, liberal, then what we would now call a Republican.
    • Stephen: [begins snapping his fingers in front of his face] I blacked out there for a second.

Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit, bright white shirt, red tie with light blue diagonal stripes, French cuffs, WristStrong bracelet

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