Episode 5023 – R.A.P.S. (Awesome!)

R.A.P.S. (Awesome!)Wasn’t this a great episode of ‘The Colbert Report?’ I enjoyed every segment tonight! I get so excited when Rep. Eleanor Holmes Norton appears on TCR. She and Stephen are always funny together and you can tell that they geniunely like and respect each other.

The Glenn Beck segment was hilarious! I see that I’m not missing much by refusing to watch the Fox News Channel. I also liked the joke about the mother of the octuplets. I was thrilled that Stephen mentioned her because I had been twittering about her situation right before the show started.

Here are a few notable quotes:

  • Shhh! Don’t tell that octuplets woman it’s available.
  • Our Founding Fathers were complete douche bags whose words must be followed. Hands tied.
  • She is like a fly that keeps on buzzing no matter how many times you swat it away.
  • I generally am the one who manipulates my audience.
  • I do not swallow ma’am.
  • So genetics is bullsh*t is what you’re saying.
  • Just do what your dog tells you. It worked for Son of Sam.
  • Nation, Glenn Beck is going unappreciated in his time.

What where the high points of this episode for you? Please share your thoughts with us in the comments.


  1. wildlymissingthemark says:

    The Glenn Beck thing was so creepy. But the colonoscopy…priceless.
    Please note: normally you are under sedation for those, but “Stephen” had to go all the way, I guess :-S

  2. omg. “I do not swallow, ma’am.”

    I’m not being sarcastic when I slap my knee and say: oh, Stephen, is there anything you won’t say?

    • I know! He really did mean it when he said that there is no status he won’t surrender for a joke. And I love him for it!

      Although I loved the bit with Holmes-Norton, I voted for the Beck segment. That was simply brilliant! And oh so funny!

    • re: “I do not swallow, ma’am.” More impressively, is there anything he won’t say with a straight face? I am in awe.

      Holmes-Norton was fabulous. And then the Glen Beck metaphors? And the colonoscopy??

      Episodes like this make it difficult for me to watch during my lunch hour, because my office door can only block so much laughter.

      • Yes, the totally straight face when he said “I do not swallow, ma’am” got to me. I have no idea how he does that.

        But the colonoscopy has to win some kind of prize. Who else would even have thought of doing that?

  3. I love Holmes-Norton, but the Glenn Beck piece was a brilliant piece of writing. The metaphorical suicides by ‘genius’ were just superb:

    – climbed into his genius cannon and lit the fuse.
    – held his smart gun to his head and pulled the genius trigger.
    – with the brain train a commin’, strapped himself to the clever track.
    – climbed the wisdom tree, dangled the logic rope, and hanged himself until he was dead right.

    And the colonoscopy to signify how far up his own a$$ Beck is was perfect – and shades of Geraldo in Iraq, no?

    • Ms Interpreted says:

      Totally agreed.

      Any night when Eleanor Holmes Norton is on falls into the “win” category, but add in Stephen’s Westminster Dog Show “Formula 40-WOOF” (For Bitches!) tie-in and his using Steven Pinker’s hair as proof that “‘Genetics’ is bullsh!t”, and you’ve got a definite “Yay!” episode.

      But yes, the Glenn Beck segment was the best of all — he’s so completely batsh!t insane. Oh my Christ, I laughed so hard at it. “Glenn climbed the wisdom tree, dangled the logic rope and hanged himself until he was dead right” — bwah! If I don’t start working those into my everyday conversation, it won’t be for lack of trying.

      Jebuz, that was a great show.

      • Jenny with a Y says:

        Jennie and MsI, thank you for adding the Glenn Beck related quotes. To be honest, I got so caught up in that segment, I lost my focus on RAPS and forgot that I was supposed to be typing up my notes about the show. I don’t have a DVR or VCR, so I only get one shot at it. Sometimes you just have to be a fangirl though, you know?

    • Yes! Those quotes from the Glenn Beck segment were so great. Oh man. lmao.

      I also loved, “I do not swallow, ma’am” and “my ear is floppy! Look how firm my haunches are!”

      And then, of course, the colonoscopy. Wow was that hilarious.

    • Stephen's Red-headed Friend says:

      Thank you! Those were exactly the quotes that made me vote for the Beck part. Can’t believe they didn’t make the “notable quotes” above!

  4. Oh, “Yertle the Turtle” this was a great episode!
    Stephen and the writers were on fire tonight…During the interview I said aloud to my roommates…”Did he just say that?!” [re: swallowing]. My other favorite quote was “It’s a TV promise!” I will travel to DC if they both make good on the promise!

    Then, the colonoscopy! There is nothing he won’t do to make us laugh and I love that! Priceless!

  5. At the mere mention of D.C.’s voting rights, I immediately thought Eleanor Holmes Norton would make an appearance on the show, and I was delightfully right! She knows how to give it right back to “Stephen” full force, and I especially enjoyed watching her crack a smile or two while she did so. In a very close race with Neil DeGrasse Tyson, she’s got to be the best Friend of the Show, for reals.

    Not to trail too far from the subject, but I’d like to send out some big love for Important Things with Demetri Martin which premiered last night and was absolutely fantastic! I myself may add “-ish” to my wall clock too. Hehehe…

  6. Yeah that was coolish.

  7. The moment Stephen started talking about DC voting rights, I knew the divine EHN would be on. I love it when she blows a little kiss to Stephen at the end of her interviews. She needs to do a sit down interview in the studio in front of a live (and adoring) TCR audience. I had to go to bed after her segment, but it sounds like it was an exceptionally good show. I’ll have to watch it when it reruns tonight.

  8. Agree with the other Zoners it was an all around great episode. The Beck piece was hysterical, esp. the genius metaphors & colonoscopy footage. He has such a great rapport with EHN and the “I don’t swallow Ma’am” retort was priceless. He sure is quick and fearless. I hope he goes to DC to accept the keys to the city, that would be a great field piece.

  9. madinirose says:

    This was a very tough vote this time. But, I had to go with the Glen Beck bit. OMG! But, the Holmes-Norton piece was funny and highly relevant. As a resident of DC, I’m very interested in the outcome of upcoming vote.

  10. Also sending a bit of love for tonight’s tie. I love love love that tie. I know I’ve seen it before, but not when.

    In my dream world, I have both the skills and the time to create a searchable database of Stephen’s wardrobe for TCR episodes (wouldn’t work with TDS, because he’s always wearing the same black suit with that same d@mn orange tie). For all those times when you wonder “When have I seen that tie before?” or “What episode is that still shot from?” You know, urgent stuff like that.


    • That sounds like a possible course for Colbert U wren! Sartorial Effects 101! :)

    • Yeah for the new NFZ/CU google search. The tie is from last September, with the hilarious Nights in Rodanthe bit. “Finally, a reason to want to fall in love!”

      (Some days, I think I harbor a secret desire to be a well dressed male financier – purely for the suits, ties, & cufflinks. Can’t even live vicariously through the husband, as the Brooks Brothers wardrobe isn’t really practical for the programmer/SAH dad. *sigh*)

  11. forsakinghalfloves says:

    If the eyes are supposed to be the windows to the soul, then Glenn Beck’s eyes have shutters! They’re absolutely flat and lifeless, from what I saw. And the weird close-up angle was seriously creepy.

    Eleanor Holmes Norton was fantastic! :)

  12. mrtigger001 says:

    i know this is supposed to be family friendly, but anytime the word “For Bitches” comes up on TCR, I think it deserves a mention here.

    I voted for the Glenn Beck/Colonoscopy segment though. Sweet jesus, that was good. The only way I would have changed it was maybe to put that empty black box in the bottom left corner like Beck did, but, hey, close enough. It was a well-deserved segment. The Glenn Beck Eyes are scary!!

  13. Just finished watching Wednesday’s TCR (iTunes subscription). I loved the EHN segment – like watching Wimbledon. Don’t have basic cable, so I’m not familiar w/ GB (thankfully! TCR & TDS clips are about all I can stomach of Fox News Channel). The colonoscopy was brilliant. I’m about ready to watch Thursday’s segment.

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