Episode 5019 (02/04/2009)

Here’s a brain teaser for you: Your brain is ugly. This is The Colbert Report!”

Bishop Tut-Tut: “Tonight: Pope Benedict reinstates a holocaust-denying Bishop. Frankly, I’m skeptical of the evidence that he actually reinstated him.”

  • Stephen’s Christian Bale-esque Freakout
  • Yahweh or No Way – The Superbowl

Award Whiner: “Then, I award myself the award for not winning awards: the coveted Losey.”

  • Who’s Not Honoring Me Now? – The Grammys

Steve adored: “And, Steve Martin is here. So what if he’s hosted SNL 15 times? I’ve hosted my show 509 times!”

  • Guest Steve Martin


Steve MartinPink Panther 2 and The Crow: New Songs for the Five-String Banjo

In closing: “Well, that’s it for the Report. Remember, if you liked what you saw, tell your friends. If you didn’t, I’ll tell your enemies.”

Video Highlight:

Stephen Verbally Thrashes Steve Martin
Stephen explodes after Steve Martin walks through his eyeline.

R.A.P.S. – Click here to talk about the episode!

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website


  • I’m sorry, Jimmy, let’s cut. [Jimmy: Something wrong, Stephen?] Yeah, something’s wrong! Somebody just walked through my f#!king eyeline over here! [Jimmy: Okay, let’s go again–] No, let’s not f@!king go again, let’s get him off the f#!king set! [Jimmy: Well, Stephen–] No! NO! Who the f#!k are you? Do you have a f#!king name?
    • Steve Martin: I’m Steve.
      Stephen: Well, Steve, first of all that’s a stupid name! Two, WHAT THE F#!K ARE YOU DOING? You’re back there, la-dee-da-dee-da… have you ever been on a f#!king set?
      Steve: Yes I have.
      Stephen: Oh really? What sets have you been on?
      Steve: Well, The Jerk, The Man With Two Brains, Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid, Parenthood
      Stephen: Oh, good!! Well it’s F#!KING DISTRACTING!
      Steve: Well, I’m sorry, maybe I should go?
      Stephen: Yeah! You should go! You’re f#!king unprofessional! GET OFF!
  • Seriously, man, we are f#!king done professionally. Though, personally, I cannot wait to interview him. I’m a huge fan.
  • That seven-layer dip had seven layers going in but there were at least nine layers coming out.
  • Now, athletes love God. We all know that. After all, a Gatorade dump is just a baptism with electrolytes.
  • The Steelers have clearly offended God, because he turned their hometown into Pittsburgh.
  • Now, I’m not saying Barack Obama is more powerful than God. But these days, more people seem to believe in him.
  • When’s the last time Matt Lauer interviewed God? Although, to be fair, we all remember when Charles Gibson tried on Good Morning America. [CLIP: Nazi’s face melting off in Raiders of the Lost Ark] He will be missed. (Chuckles) I’m just kidding. He won’t be.
  • Jesus has always been a fan of crosses — except that one time.
  • Evidently, the Bishop believes that there’s enough proof that over 2,000 years ago, a man rose from the dead, but not enough proof that sixty years ago, the Nazis were pretty bad.
  • Ex-Communication is just like marbles — no backsies!
  • Bravo, Newberry. Sounds like a fantastic children’s book. Hey, I’ve got a great children’s book, too! It’s called F#!k It, We’re All Going To Die. Newberry please!
  • What do Norwegians know about cooking? All of their recipes start the same. Step One: kill reindeer. Step Two: add snow.
  • Worse, second prize went to Jonas Lundgrin from Sweden. Jimmy, I believe we have some footage of that guy? [Clip: The Swedish Chef from The Muppet Show!] I don’t even think that’s Swedish!
  • Sidney Poitier? Please. By the time I’m done with him, he won’t have a “poite” to piss in. Guess Who’s Coming to Ginner? [breaks] Guess who’s not getting a Grammy!
  • Oooh, David Sedaris! He’s just another “poor me memoirist” with sob stories from his difficult childhood. Well, I read one of his books, and I didn’t cry! I laughed out loud!
  • Come on, Gore! You’ve already won an Oscar, and Emmy, a Nobel Prize, and the 2000 Presidential election. You don’t need a Grammy!
  • That golden gramophone is mine, (brandishes knife) MINE, I SAY! I cannot wait to get up on that stage and rant about my political cause. END ATM SURCHARGES!
  • From the Steve Martin Interview:
    • Stephen: Thanks for coming on.
      Steve: I’m thrilled.
      Stephen: So am I.
      Steve: Not to be here, I’m just… thrilled in general.
    • Stephen: You’re a lot of things. You’re an actor, you’re a comedian, you’re a musician, you’re a novelist, you’re a magician, you’re a screenwriter, you’re a playwright… I mean your very existence means job loss for a lot of Americans.
      Steve: Why would you leave out juggler?
      Stephen: You’re a juggler? I had no idea. You need to change your Wikipedia page.
    • Stephen: You know, everybody knows you best as a comedian, but you’re also, you also become very intellectual at times. Which is it? Pick a side, we’re at war. Am I supposed to laugh at you, or stroke my chin?
      Steve: You could do both. But I, uh, I don’t really think of myself as an intellectual, I think of myself more as a comedian. Except, I only feel like I’m actually an intellectual when I’m with you, then I really feel like an intellectual.
    • Stephen: I have something of a bone to pick with you. I have a beef, and a bone to pick with you.
      Steve: I’m interested in the beef, but not so interested in the bone.
    • Steve: (After the read-off, which really must be heard to be appreciated) What was that about?
      Stephen: I don’t know.
      Steve: I’ve never experienced anything like that before.

Fangirl Suit Report: Charcoal gray suit, light blue shirt with French cuffs, burgundy tie with dot pattern, WristStrong bracelet.

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