Here’s a brain teaser for you: Your brain is ugly. This is The Colbert Report!”
Bishop Tut-Tut: “Tonight: Pope Benedict reinstates a holocaust-denying Bishop. Frankly, I’m skeptical of the evidence that he actually reinstated him.”
- Stephen’s Christian Bale-esque Freakout
- Yahweh or No Way – The Superbowl
Award Whiner: “Then, I award myself the award for not winning awards: the coveted Losey.”
- Who’s Not Honoring Me Now? – The Grammys
Steve adored: “And, Steve Martin is here. So what if he’s hosted SNL 15 times? I’ve hosted my show 509 times!”
- Guest Steve Martin
THE COLBERT BUMP – YOU’RE GETTING IT:
In closing: “Well, that’s it for the Report. Remember, if you liked what you saw, tell your friends. If you didn’t, I’ll tell your enemies.”
Stephen Verbally Thrashes Steve Martin
Stephen explodes after Steve Martin walks through his eyeline.
NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!
More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website
- Full Episode – 02/04/2009
- Intro – 02/04/09: Pope Benedict reinstates a Holocaust-denying bishop. Frankly, Stephen is skeptical of the evidence that he actually reinstated him.
- Yahweh or No Way – The Superbowl: God helping both teams in a football game would be as impossible as loving both Christians and Muslims.
- Who’s Not Honoring Me Now? – The Grammy Awards: Al Gore has already won an Oscar, an Emmy a Nobel Prize, and the 2000 presidential election — he doesn’t need a Grammy.
- Steve Martin: Steve Martin and Stephen read from a Danielle Steel novel and play “Dueling Banjos.”
- Tell Your Friends: If you didn’t like what you saw, Stephen will tell your enemies.
- I’m sorry, Jimmy, let’s cut. [Jimmy: Something wrong, Stephen?] Yeah, something’s wrong! Somebody just walked through my f#!king eyeline over here! [Jimmy: Okay, let's go again--] No, let’s not f@!king go again, let’s get him off the f#!king set! [Jimmy: Well, Stephen--] No! NO! Who the f#!k are you? Do you have a f#!king name?
- Steve Martin: I’m Steve.
Stephen: Well, Steve, first of all that’s a stupid name! Two, WHAT THE F#!K ARE YOU DOING? You’re back there, la-dee-da-dee-da… have you ever been on a f#!king set?
Steve: Yes I have.
Stephen: Oh really? What sets have you been on?
Steve: Well, The Jerk, The Man With Two Brains, Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid, Parenthood…
Stephen: Oh, good!! Well it’s F#!KING DISTRACTING!
Steve: Well, I’m sorry, maybe I should go?
Stephen: Yeah! You should go! You’re f#!king unprofessional! GET OFF!
- Seriously, man, we are f#!king done professionally. Though, personally, I cannot wait to interview him. I’m a huge fan.
- That seven-layer dip had seven layers going in but there were at least nine layers coming out.
- Now, athletes love God. We all know that. After all, a Gatorade dump is just a baptism with electrolytes.
- The Steelers have clearly offended God, because he turned their hometown into Pittsburgh.
- Now, I’m not saying Barack Obama is more powerful than God. But these days, more people seem to believe in him.
- When’s the last time Matt Lauer interviewed God? Although, to be fair, we all remember when Charles Gibson tried on Good Morning America. [CLIP: Nazi's face melting off in Raiders of the Lost Ark] He will be missed. (Chuckles) I’m just kidding. He won’t be.
- Jesus has always been a fan of crosses — except that one time.
- Evidently, the Bishop believes that there’s enough proof that over 2,000 years ago, a man rose from the dead, but not enough proof that sixty years ago, the Nazis were pretty bad.
- Ex-Communication is just like marbles — no backsies!
- Bravo, Newberry. Sounds like a fantastic children’s book. Hey, I’ve got a great children’s book, too! It’s called F#!k It, We’re All Going To Die. Newberry please!
- What do Norwegians know about cooking? All of their recipes start the same. Step One: kill reindeer. Step Two: add snow.
- Worse, second prize went to Jonas Lundgrin from Sweden. Jimmy, I believe we have some footage of that guy? [Clip: The Swedish Chef from The Muppet Show!] I don’t even think that’s Swedish!
- Sidney Poitier? Please. By the time I’m done with him, he won’t have a “poite” to piss in. Guess Who’s Coming to Ginner? [breaks] Guess who’s not getting a Grammy!
- Oooh, David Sedaris! He’s just another “poor me memoirist” with sob stories from his difficult childhood. Well, I read one of his books, and I didn’t cry! I laughed out loud!
- Come on, Gore! You’ve already won an Oscar, and Emmy, a Nobel Prize, and the 2000 Presidential election. You don’t need a Grammy!
- That golden gramophone is mine, (brandishes knife) MINE, I SAY! I cannot wait to get up on that stage and rant about my political cause. END ATM SURCHARGES!
- From the Steve Martin Interview:
- Stephen: Thanks for coming on.
Steve: I’m thrilled.
Stephen: So am I.
Steve: Not to be here, I’m just… thrilled in general.
- Stephen: You’re a lot of things. You’re an actor, you’re a comedian, you’re a musician, you’re a novelist, you’re a magician, you’re a screenwriter, you’re a playwright… I mean your very existence means job loss for a lot of Americans.
Steve: Why would you leave out juggler?
Stephen: You’re a juggler? I had no idea. You need to change your Wikipedia page.
- Stephen: You know, everybody knows you best as a comedian, but you’re also, you also become very intellectual at times. Which is it? Pick a side, we’re at war. Am I supposed to laugh at you, or stroke my chin?
Steve: You could do both. But I, uh, I don’t really think of myself as an intellectual, I think of myself more as a comedian. Except, I only feel like I’m actually an intellectual when I’m with you, then I really feel like an intellectual.
- Stephen: I have something of a bone to pick with you. I have a beef, and a bone to pick with you.
Steve: I’m interested in the beef, but not so interested in the bone.
- Steve: (After the read-off, which really must be heard to be appreciated) What was that about?
Stephen: I don’t know.
Steve: I’ve never experienced anything like that before.
Fangirl Suit Report: Charcoal gray suit, light blue shirt with French cuffs, burgundy tie with dot pattern, WristStrong bracelet.