Episode 5016 (1/29/2009)

“Scotch tape, either change your name or get me drunk. I nearly choked last night. This is The Colbert Report!”

No We Republi-Can: “Tonight! All 177 House Republicans say no to Obama’s stimulus package. Shh! Don’t tell them they don’t control the House anymore.”

  • Rod Blagojevich is thrown out of office.

The Word: The Audacity of Nope

Supe’s On: “Plus, much like this Sunday’s Superbowl, I will have commercials.”

Podesta Bowl: “Then, my guest is John Podesta, head of Barack Obama’s transition team. Well, there’s one job created by the Bush administration.”


John PodestaThe Power of Progress: How America’s Progressives Can (Once Again) Save Our Economy, Our Climate, and Our Country

In closing: “Well, that’s it for the show. Goodnight Illinois Governor Patrick Quinn.”

Video Highlight:

The Word – The Audacity of Nope: If Republicans can’t have a perfect bill to stimulate the economy, they’d rather have no economy at all.

R.A.P.S. – Click here to talk about the episode!

NOTABLE MOMENTS � Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website


  • I know, I don’t understand either. He has spent the last week going from talk show to talk show, which we all know makes you more and more innocent.
  • Now, I believe we have footage of the governor showing up to his impeachment trial. Jimmy? [Clip from The Passion of the Christ] There he is walking from his car with his attorney. Just look how vicious the press is to this poor man! You know what, I really think he’s doing something different with his hair there.
  • Governor, play your cards right, and 2000 years from now, people will be seeing you in their grilled-cheese sandwiches.
  • The Democrats took the whole idea of amping up spending to fight a recession from economist John Maynard Keynes, who said that during especially tough times, “Governments should pay people to dig holes and then fill them up again.” That is ridiculous. You don’t fill them up again. You keep digging until we get to China because that’s where all the money is.
  • Folks, I want a stimulus package, but one that conforms to my two most deeply held principles: the government should never interfere with the free market, and this money is mine, mine I say! Get back or I will cut you! [Pulls out a dagger and waves it at the camera]
  • Folks, right now bankers are scared to lend, consumers are scared to spend, and hedge fund managers are scared to do whatever it is that hedge fund managers do. [Cocaine]
  • And yesterday, 177 House Republicans put their nuts on the line and said “No, we will not vote for this bill that we know will pass anyway. Our only regret is that we have but one ass to cover for our country.” [Butt Fear Itself]
  • If it weren’t for Prop 8, this guy would be Mrs. Obama by now.
  • Ladies and gentlemen, the magnificent 177 offered their own substitute stimulus package: 100% tax cuts with no estimated cost. These men don’t just have balls, they are balls. Giant walking balls scenting the halls of Congress with their rich musk. [Finally A Set To Go With The Washington Monument]
  • Just take a good whiff of minority leader John Boehner who described last night’s 244 to 188 vote as “A bipartisan rejection of a partisan bill.” This man doesn’t know the meaning of the word “quit.” [Or Bipartisan]
  • That is why I am calling on every Republican who voted against this bill to put no money where your mouth is. Refuse to accept a single penny of the 800-billion dollars for your congressional district. Think of it like a hunger strike. [From An All-Pork Diet]
  • I am shocked that the Cardinals made it all the way to the Superbowl. Their last championship was in 1947. That is the football equivalent of Spain suddenly retaking over the world. What is Spain doing running the world? Tapas? Really? You can’t make a full plate of food?
  • One advertiser staying in the game is Pepsi, who apparently is now the official soft drink of hope. Which is ironic, because if you read President Obama’s biography, you know he’s a Coke man.
  • This sauce-tastrophe was so bad that four patrons couldn’t get to their car because it was engulfed by sauce. Man, that car sounds delicious. To clean up this mess, a Haz-Mat team was dispatched to the site, but sadly, there weren’t enough chicken wings to soak up the spill.
  • Now sir, let’s get to the bottom of this: Why is there a chicken wing shortage?
    • Lobb: This is a simple matter of supply and demand. Every chicken has only two wings and it’s really not worth it to produce a chicken just to get the wings.
    • Stephen: Why not produce chickens that have more than two wings? Seems like that would be good planning. What about a three, four, dare I say it, five-winged chicken?
    • Lobb: No, we don’t want to go there. We don’t get into genetic engineering and modification and so forth.
    • Stephen: You don’t?
    • Lobb: No we don’t.
    • Stephen: Have you ever had a chicken nugget? That is a miracle of science.
    • Lobb: It is certainly a miracle of modern food manufacturing.
  • So we’ve got a chicken wing crisis. What other country can we invade to fix this thing?
    • Lobb: Actually, the United States is the largest producer of chickens in the world. So we’re kind of the Saudi Arabia of chickens.
    • Stephen: Can we establish an OPEC of our own? An OPEC-peck?
    • Lobb: We’re not going to go there.
  • You know I speak for the little guy on this show and I’m concerned about Joe Chicken Wing. The guy who just wants to have a batch of atomic wings on Superbowl Sunday and he’s looking at his fry-daddy which is ready to go, and he wants to drop a batch. But he thinks about the price and realizes that he has to choose between frying those chicken wings and educating his kids. What do you say to that man sir?
    • Lobb: I’d tell him to go ahead and drop those things right in the fryer and don’t worry, the kids will learn their lessons just fine, and they’ll learn the importance of being well-fed and enjoying some good nutrition and having a tasty snack at the same time. I think that’s an education all in itself.
    • Stephen: I hope there’s some award they give you in the chicken world for answers like that. ‘Cause you sir, just earned it.
  • Do you think there’s any chance we’ll have to release some wings from the strategic chicken reserve?
    • Lobb: Fortunately, there is such a thing. [Editor’s Note: Stephen’s face at this announcement is priceless. I wish there was a way for me to transcribe it because it makes the whole segment.] There are facilities that do nothing but produce and cook chicken wings to be shipped out to taverns and other eating places.
    • Stephen: Are you saying, because I believe we’re breaking this story, that there is an emergency reserve of chicken wings that is held for our chicken wing first responders in case of a chicken wing emergency like this?
    • Lobb: I think that the companies who specialize in these things probably have some chicken wings.
    • Stephen: Will you now call for these companies to release the strategic chicken wing reserve? Will you do that sir?
    • Lobb: I would encourage them to fulfill all their orders and get those chicken wings out the door so people can enjoy all the chicken wings they want in this critical football weekend.
    • Stephen: ‘Cause God only knows what’ll happen if they don’t get their chicken wings. What would happen?
    • Lobb: They’d probably have nachos instead.
  • Did you lower expectations right away? ‘Cause there was a lot of lowering of expectations, because people went “Obama wins! It’s raining candy! The sky’s heaven is our pinata!”
  • Please, don’t applaud until I get my point out.
  • You’re from Chicago too, right? There are a lot of Chicago guys in the administration–Rahm Emanuel’s a Chicago guy. Did you vote for Blagojevich?
    • Podesta: [laughs] Fortunately, I left Chicago before that.
    • Stephen: Oh good, because I thought this might be a tough time for you right now.
    • Podesta: Well, we’ve got a new governor in Illinois right now.
    • Stephen: Who is it?
    • Podesta: It’s–it’s uh…[blanks on the name] Uh oh, I shouldn’t have said that. [Stephen and Podesta begin cracking up.]

Fangirl Suit Report: Bright white shirt, black pinstripe suit, red tie with white polka dots, barrel cuffs, WristStrong bracelet.

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