Episode 5015 (01/28/09)

What do I have to do to get nominated for an Oscar? Make a movie? This is The Colbert Report!”

Package Deal: “Tonight, the house passes the 800 billion dollar stimulus plan. China, could we interest you interest you a slightly used Oregon?”

  • Economic Stimulus Plan
  • Chicken Wing Shortage

Better Know a Beatle: Sir Paul McCartney

The Long and Raging Road: “Then, I interview Sir Paul McCartney. We’ll see if the love he takes is equal to the rage I make.”

  • Better Know A Beatle

The Curious Case of Dennis Dutton: “And my guest, Denis Dutton, says an appreciation of art is a product of evolution. He must mean those dogs who’ve evolved to play poker.”

  • Guest Dennis Dutton’s New Book “The Art Instinct


Dennis Dutton The Art Instinct

In closing: “Well folks, that is it for The Report. One last thought before we go: some say the Holocaust didn’t happen, if that offends you like it does me call 1-877-SEAN-930 and speak your mind!!! I mean really let it rip! Goodnight!”

Video Highlight:

Better Know A Beatle
Stephen interviews Sir Paul McCartney.

R.A.P.S. – Click here to talk about the episode!

NOTABLE MOMENTS Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website


  • Ladies and gentleman, as much fun as we’re having right now we know someday we will die. All our yesterdays, just like fools, the way to dusty death. I’m just the economy is really depressing some people out there.
  • Now, I’m sketchy on the details, but I believe that means this April you will be paying your taxes in kidneys.
  • Excuse me, but what does family planning have to do with Americans trying to feed their accidental families?
  • Besides, the government already has a free program to discourage sexual activity. It’s called CSPAN.
  • Well, this new stimulus package, that I hope fails, had better work.
  • Right now the only safe career is telling people that they’re fired.
  • I’ll tell you folks, we are facing the greatest financial crisis since last week.
  • Even so, I believed America would bounce back, or at least take everyone down with us flames.
  • Not enough chicken wings for the Superbowl?! Watching the Superbowl without a plate of chicken wings, that’s like making love without a plate of chicken wings!
  • If this keeps up soon chicken will be so scarce we’ll have to describe rattlesnake as tasting like Cobra.
  • Now, I don’t buy it. I say this is a snake food conspiracy- just like the Pillsbury dough boy’s lack of genitalia. They don’t want you to know, but he reproduces through tummy poking.
  • Nation, this shortage means the price of chicken wings will go sky high- something all those wingless chickens can’t do now. High prices mean hard hit Americans cut back, and that has repercussions across the entire wing-based economy. I’m talking about the blue cheese miners, the celery hunters, the hidden valley ranchers, not to mention the economic impact it will have on Hooter’s waitresses who can barely afford clothes as it is!
  • But the worst part of this wingageddon is the serious blow it has dealt to America’s already bruised self image. You see, buffalo wings are America, ladies and gentleman. Sure, they’re messy, so is democracy made from left over parts. But what are we but leftovers from Europe, Asia, and Africa? So America, just like those proud Iraqis once held up their purple stained fingers, it’s time we hold up our red-dyed number 5 stained fingers and say ‘We are not ready to give up on our nation founded on a wing and prayer. And a wing’.
  • President Obama, it is time to appoint a wingzar. I understand that Caroline Kennedy is available. More on this crisis as it goes from hot to nuclear.
  • Nation, Friday marks the 40th anniversary of The Beatles famous rooftop concert at Apple Records. If they had had Google Earth back then you could have seen the egos from space.
  • Like the rest of the lads, James Paul McCartney grew up in economically depressed Liverpool. A town whose primary industry was mining despair.
  • As a teenager he joined the band ‘The Quarrymen’ which was composed of George Harrison, John Lennon, Eric Clapton, Rod Stewart, Brian Wilson, David Bowie, Steve Winwood, Ray Charles, Phil Spector, George Gershwin, Led Zepplin, and the Vienna Boys Choir.
  • Eventually, The Quarrymen became The Beatles. Paul was the cute one. John was the smart one. George was the quiet one. And Ringo was the luckiest person in the world!
  • McCartney formed the band Wings who were known for their smash hit ‘Stop requesting Strawberry Fields! That was John!’
    • Stephen: Sir Paul, have you ever seen my show?
      Sir Paul McCartney: [Long Pause] No.
      Stephen: No?
      Sir Paul McCartney: We don’t get it in England.
      Stephen: It’s on in England.
      Sir Paul McCartney: Well, not on my television it isn’t.
      Stephen: Well, then we’re even cause I haven’t heard your music, either.
    • Stephen:I understand that you used to run around with a group called The Beatles?
      Sir Paul McCartney: Yeah.
      Stephen: Who were you guys? What was your shtick?
      Sir Paul McCartney: Beatles was four from Liverpool.
      Stephen: [Taking Notes] Four guys…
      Sir Paul McCartney: From Liverpool
      Stephen: From Liverpool…
      Sir Paul McCartney: Northern England
      Stephen: What was their big hit?
      Sir Paul McCartney: Um, ‘She Loves You Yeah Yeah Yeah’?
      Stephen: That was the one?
      Sir Paul McCartney: You heard of it?
      Stephen: You haven’t seen my show?
      Sir Paul McCartney: [Hesitantly] No.
      Stephen: No, then. I haven’t heard of it.
      Sir Paul McCartney: What if I’ve seen your show?
      Stephen: I am a huge fan.
      Sir Paul McCartney: [Laughs] Yeah. I love your show.
      Stephen: Really?
      Sir Paul McCartney: No.
  • I have to warn you that you are about to get something called the Colbert Bump, alright? Don’t be surprised if next you walk down the street if somebody says “OH MY GOD! I KNOW THAT GUY! I SAW THAT GUY ON COLBERT! WHATS HIS NAME?!?!” And you’ll say ‘Paul McCartney’, and they’ll go “Yeah it is!”
    • Stephen: Who is your favorite Beatle?
      Sir Paul McCartney: Well, oh, I have to say Ringo.
      Stephen: Mine, too.
      Sir Paul McCartney: Yeah?
      Stephen: It went Ringo, George, John, then Ringo again, then George Martin, then you.
      Sir Paul McCartney: Hey, you’re taking the mickey. George Martin wasn’t in the group. He wasn’t a Beatle
      Stephen: I thought he was the fifth Beatle.
      Sir Paul McCartney: No.
      Stephen: Is there any chance, Sir Paul, that I am the fifth Beatle?
      Sir Paul McCartney: No.
    • Stephen: I have a beef with you, Sir. In that you don’t eat beef. Why not? What do you have against eating beef?
      Sir Paul McCartney: Oh, I’ve got this thing about how animals have a right to live on this earth and we shouldn’t kill them. The Dali Llama is with me on this.
      Stephen: But don’t you think if they had the opportunity the animals would eat us?
      Sir Paul McCartney: Perhaps in an emergency, perhaps the Dali Llama would eat me.
      Stephen: You are accusing the Dali Llama of potential cannibalism. Those are your words Sir; you just accused the Dali Llama of potential cannibalism.
    • Stephen: In an emergency situation what part of you would you eat first?
      Sir Paul McCartney: Me?
      Stephen: What is the most tender cut of the McCartney?
      Sir Paul McCartney: Midriff. I’d go for the midriff.
      Stephen: [Nods head] The bread basket?
      Sir Paul McCartney: Probably
  • My guest tonight says that an appreciation of art is a product of evolution. I agree; a monkey could paint that stuff.
    • Denis Dutton The kind of imaginative abilities that artists have, and that we all in the appreciation of art, the ability to appreciate Jane Austen-
      Stephen: How many cavemen were reading Emma?

Fangirl Suit Report: Black pinstripe suit, powder blue shirt with French cuffs, red and navy striped tie, and Wriststrong bracelet.

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