- Stephen’s Inauguration Breakdown
- P.K. Winsome
- Stephen’s Sound Advice – How to Be Like Lincoln
- Jabari Asim – Author, “What Obama Means”
THE COLBERT BUMP – YOU’RE GETTING IT:
“Wow. What an amazing day. You know – I noticed something interesting this afternoon. The inauguration of President Obama seemed to mean something special to African Americans. Even more interesting, it seemed to mean something special to me too. But I never empathize with people who are not like me. So the reaction I had to Obama’s inauguration must logically mean that I am a black man. I had no idea because I don’t see race. People tell me I’m white and I believe them because I dance with my thumbs out. *Stephen shows us* But now I know I’m black, which is great, because there really oughta be more of us in late night. And now that I am Black, it’s like President Obama and I are family. So in the next 4 years, there will be times when we agree and times when we disagree. And if I take issue with some of his policies, or criticize his choices, or accuse him of being an illegitimate foreign invader trying to destroy America, y’all just gonna have to understand ’cause it’s a black thing. Well, good night everybody – and God Bless America!”
Video Highlight: P.K. Winsome – Inauguration Merchandise
P.K. Winsome has limited edition “Yes, I Thought I’d Live to See This Day” t-shirts for this historic inauguration.
NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!
More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website
- Full Episode Video – 1/20/09
- Stephen’s Inauguration Breakdown: After watching Barack Obama’s inauguration, Stephen wants to be black for just one day.
- Stephen’s Sound Advice – How to Be Like Lincoln: Lincoln’s oratory made him president, but his beard made him a legend.
- Jabari Asim: Jabari Asim thinks Barack Obama is an opportunity for us to redefine ourselves as a country.
- Stephen Realizes He’s Black: Stephen’s reaction to Obama’s inauguration must logically mean he is a black man.
- Welcome to The Report, we continue our live coverage tonight. Today, the 20th of January, in the year of our Lord, 2000 and 9, Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th president of the United States of America.
- It was very brave of me to admit that.
- And you can already feel the change sweeping across this great land as a new era begins, a time of brotherhood, when men of different backgrounds and beliefs will come together to marry one another.
- Now a lot of people thought I didn’t want Barack Obama to be president – that is not true. I just didn’t want him to be president of America. I thought he could do a great job in Nicaragua. If I am sad, it is only for the Nicaraguans. Lo Siento, mi amigos, lo siento.
- But this man is now our president, and as an American, I pledge to support him unconditionally for as long as he remains popular.
- The inauguration itself began at 11:30 this morning. Everyone was there, dressed to the nines. Aretha Franklin even managed to steal a bow off a Lexus to wear for the occasion.
- *Stephen is getting emotional* Wow. I’m sorry. I’ve got something in my eye. I don’t know what that is.
- Of course the queen of soul got a great response from the two million people who came to the city, from all walks of life, to put aside their differences and stand as brothers.
- That’s nice. *Stephen begins to get even more emotional* What is wrong with my eyes today? Is there a cat in here? I’m allergic.
- Then, Barack Hussein Obama made his power grab. Wow. That is one good looking man.
- Help me, God.
- *Stephen now has mascara dripping down his face* Oh my God! That is so… that just feels so right.
- I’m sorry, I’m sorry – I’m not angry. I know we have a deal. You watch, and I scream. I’m really dropping the ball here.
- NO! Not the children – they’re so beautiful! *Now Stephen’s nose is running probably more than it should be running*
- I’m sorry. I just feel like my heart is going to burst – because it’s full of rainbows.
- That is the best Dr. Seuss book ever.
- Why can’t I be black? You know? Just for one day. Why can’t I be black today? Could I be black for just a while? Could I put on makeup? I’m being told, no, I shouldn’t do that. That would be a career ending decision – that even talking about it is a bad idea.
- Come on, Jimmy. Show me something that will turn my heart to ice. *Dick Cheney clip begins to roll*
- I said freeze – not kill. Man, that gave me the shrinky-dinks.
- Well, here via satellite, with further reaction and one assumes to rub his African heritage in my face is entrepreneur and conservative pundit – P.K. Winsome.
- P.K.: It’s no problem, Stephen. I was in Washington already to attend the annual meeting of my Doctors Within Borders program. It’s like a free clinic, only instead of a clinic you get examined in a Border’s Bookstore – and it’s not free.
- Stephen: P.K., how did you feel watching tonight’s inauguration?
- P.K.: Stephen, what we all witnessed was a rare moment of genuine progress that will live forever in our nation’s history.
- Stephen: Yes, it does feel like we’ve all reached Dr. King’s mountaintop.
- P.K.: And what better way to celebrate that than to sled to down that mountaintop with the Barack-o-boggan. The day has come when the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners can sit down together on synthetic wood of brotherhood and cry “Wee” at last….
- Stephen: So P.K., as an African American, did you ever think you’d live to see this day?
- P.K.: Stephen, white people ask black people that all the time. That’s why I am proud to present these limited edition “Yes, I thought I’d live to see this day T-shirts”….
- P.K.: We don’t age in dog years. We live just as long as you do – Stop asking us when we’re going to die.
- Nation, now that Barack Obama has been inaugurated, we can officially stop calling him “President-Elect,” and start calling him the cause of all our problems.
- Wow, that’s Amtrak for you. Even the President can’t get a direct route.
- As opposed to Joe Biden, who was sworn in on the Hogwart’s spell book.
- But there is so much more Obama could do to become Lincoln-ish. Lucky for him, I’m here to help. This is Stephen’s Sound Advice.
- I guess you could say I know what’s going on inside his head. *pulls out skull*
- And as Secretary of the Interior – the bowling bowl that beat you in Pennsylvania.
- But sir, you need to take it further – by promoting rivalries within the cabinet. Have a dozen roses delivered to the offices of both, Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, and Economic Advisor, Christina Romer, along with a cryptic note that reads “From Sanjay”. They will become so obsessed with winning Dr. Gupta’s heart that they will work overtime to show him just how good they are at their jobs.
- Surgeon General’s Warning: It’s gonna be hot!
- Did you know he was the first person to call pizza “za”?
- “Putting the strongest force possible into the enemies’ rear.”
- To be Lincoln in your personal life – first, have a crazy wife.
- Part of what shaped Lincoln’s character was the strength he gained from dealing with his insane wife, Mary Todd. *Picture of Nick Nolte as Mary Todd*
- She was quite beautiful for her time – or modern cosmetics.
- But your wife, Michelle, has really got it together, so you need to drive her wacko – totally gaslight her.
- Here’s how – just hem her skirts and blazers an eighth of inch each day. And within months, she’ll think she’s turning into a giant -tiny little forks and knives.
- His beard made him a legend – so grow a beard. But Lincoln’s chin curtain is not your style. Blaze your own hair trail. Try something new like the bare-knuckled boxer, Ming the merciless, or given the amount of government cash you’ll be handing out, maybe just go with the full Santa.
- Follow my Lincoln-izing advice, President Obama, and you could become such a transcendent figure in American history that you’ll get a car named after you, like the Chrysler Van Buren.
- Welcome back for more of our live coverage. By the way, I guess I should be more specific. This is live for us here. I think you are guys out there are going to see it around 11:30.
- I believe in Hawaiian it means “hello” and “goodbye”.
- Stephen: I’ll bite. What does Obama mean?
- Asim: Well you know I looked at it sort of as an opportunity to look at Obama’s effect on the country at large. I think instead of a literal translation, I was looking at a metaphorical thing. And it’s an opportunity for us to redefine ourselves as a country….
- Stephen: To keep it balanced, shouldn’t we also be projecting our fears and nightmares on him?
- Asim: Well, I think what we need to do is almost sort of use Obama as a mirror, and sort of see the changes, the successes that he’s had – how can they be reflected in our own lives.
- Stephen: But if you have a fuller head of hair than he does, wouldn’t it be hard to figure out where your part is?
- Asim: That is a metaphysical question to which I have no solution.
- Stephen: As an African American on TV, I assume your opinions are representative of your entire race, correct?
- Asim: Well, that’s about as reasonable as suspecting that Obama could speak for all African Americans.
- Stephen: Well, but he does. He speaks for all people now. The rest of us are just gonna become vestigial like those fish that get caught in caves and go blind….
- Stephen: What is the opportunity because I love making a buck?
- Asim: Well, I’m sure it will be profitable in other ways, but it’s an opportunity to use his own language to choose our better history, to acknowledge what’s gone on in the past.
- Stephen: We can’t choose our history.
- Asim: Why not?
- Stephen: Oh, I like that. Well then, I would say that Spain won the Civil War.
- Asim: Well, it’s not as simple as that. We have to acknowledge that there are parts of the United States history that are shameful, that are not our best moments.
- Stephen: Can I pretend that the South didn’t have slaves? Would that be cool?
- Asim: That’s going a little too far.
- Stephen: But don’t I get to choose my history?
- Asim: Well, it’s not that simple.
- Stephen: Or do you only get to choose your history?
- Asim: Well, we do have to arrive at some consensus in terms of what is best for the country. How can we move forward together? Not as separate groups, but with mutual investment in the grand American experience.
- Stephen: So what idea can we hitch to Barack Obama to drag us over the next four years?
- Asim: Well, I think what we want to do is not be dragged, but to develop momentum so that we can reach escape velocity as it were, and sort of break free.
- Stephen: That sounds terrifying.
- Asim: Break free of the restraints. Not to break free of gravity, but to break free of the restraints of history.
- Stephen: This book came out today, “What Obama Means.” And I assume it took you a few months to write it. Did you write a book called “What McCain Means”?
- Asim: I’m not authorized to discuss that.
- Stephen: I’ll authorize you right now.
- Stephen: Isn’t it early to define what Obama means? Shouldn’t we at least give the guy another day or two before we, you know, judge his presidency?
- Asim: Well, the book focuses on the campaign as opposed to the presidency – what does the campaign tell us about where we are in the United States as a society.
- Stephen: Willing to vote for a black guy.
- Asim: Yes, yes, and not as surprising as some would think. I mean it’s something that -
- Stephen: It shocked the hell out of John McCain.
Fangirl Suit Report: Dark pinstripe suit, white barrel cuff shirt, navy tie with white pattern. WristSTRONG bracelet.