Episode 5008 (1/15/2009)

“It’s my way or the toll way — No free rides. This is The Colbert Report!”

Press Rewind: “Tonight! A look back on President Bush’s relationship with the media — I wonder if tonight’s the night they finally do it.”

Animal Grouse: “Then, PETA launches a new wildlife protection campaign. I use Noah’s rule: If there’s more than 2, they’re not endangered.”

  • Tip/Wag – Monkey on the Lam
    • Tip – The New York Mets
    • Tip – PETA
    • Wag – Clearwater Police

Fairey Dusted: “And my guest is Shepard Fairey, the artist behind the iconic Obama “Hope” poster. And they said we’d never elect a poster president.”

  • Guest: Shepard Fairey, graphic artist


Shepard FaireyObey: Supply & Demand : The Art of Shepard Fairey

In closing: “Well, that’s it for the Report. Folks, remember to have your pets spayed or neutered, because mine are out there humping their brains out.”

Video Highlight:

Tip/Wag – Monkey on the Lam
Stephen wags his finger at Clearwater police for not actively searching for a monkey on the lam.

R.A.P.S. – Click here to talk about the episode!

NOTABLE MOMENTS � Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website


  • Folks, I got to say I’m very emotional right now. In fact, you know what Jimmy, can we get this in soft focus please? [Background lights go dark and the screen goes soft and unfocused] Good, that’s good. Now I’m still sad, but I’m young and beautiful.
  • Tonight, President George W. Bush gave his farewell address. It is a momentous occasion for any president. Washington cautioned against foreign entanglements, Eisenhower warned of a growing military industrial complex, and Abraham Lincoln gave half a theater review.
  • I mean, it takes years, a long, long time. But someday, long after human life has been raptured from the Earth, and the grey aliens return to repossess the pyramids, then they will finally pass judgment on whether No Child Left behind relied too heavily on standardized testing.
  • That was worse than Gotcha journalism, that was Ask-ya journalism.
  • Now unfortunately, they couldn’t let the president improvise after his disastrous appearance on Whose Line is it Anyway?. If I remember correctly, Wayne Brady used a foreign accent, and the president had him sent to a Bulgarian prison.
  • There was always something about reporters that rubbed the president the wrong way. It was credentials. So, the administration brought in a man who didn’t have any. [Video of ‘Jeff Gannon’ at a press conference asking about reaching out to the press corps] That reporter, Jeff Gannon turned out to be a ringer. Ringer of course being Beltway jargon for “gay escort.”
  • But unfortunately, some people in the press corp weren’t puppets, they just looked like them. Like Helen Thomas, longtime lover of both Statler and Waldorf…One of the freakiest three-ways imaginable.
  • Let me start by saying “Bienvenue.”
    • Gregory: Ah, merci beaucoup.
    • Stephen: Comment ca va?
    • Gregory: Oui, tres bien. I was going to kiss you on both cheeks.
    • Stephen: Oh no. Obama’s not in office yet.
  • You were near the president that entire time. You’d be the best one to answer this question: George Bush — great president or the greatest president?
    • Gregory: You know, even by the warmth of your fireplace in the studio, I don’t feel like it’s my job to make that judgment.
    • Stephen: I’ll put you down for ‘great.’
  • I think he’s completely reflective, because the questions just bounce off him.
  • The Yankees went with this unsurprising design. Boooooring! It’s just their stadium’s facade. Where’s the rampaging Roger Clemens terrorizing the city in a steroid induced fury?
  • Plus, the design beautifully echoes the baseball diamond where a World Series game might be played, and the section of the stands where the Mets might watch that World Series game.
  • And as sports fans have noticed, the patch resembles the logo of Domino’s Pizza, all part of the 2009 Mets’ pledge to eliminate themselves from the playoffs in 30 games or less.
  • [Editor’s Note: I wonder how much of this segment was just to tweak Jon Stewart.]
  • If scientists can’t squirt shampoo into a rabbit’s eyes, then how will I know what shampoo to squirt into my rabbit’s eyes?
  • Thanks to PETA, I finally see fish for what they are: adorable! But more importantly, if I stop eating sea kittens, I believe I get to start eating what I like to call ‘land fish.’ Delicious, deep-fried land fish. So thank you PETA. You can be sure I will make land fish a regular part of my diet, alongside field potatoes and sky nachos.
  • At first I was happy to hear this, because it fits right into my Peabody award winning investigative series ‘Monkey on the Lam’.
  • They’re not searching for the monkey! Clearwater, Florida is full of senior citizens. That means after 4:00, that monkey will own the streets. [Editor’s Note: It’s funny, ’cause it’s true.]
  • But now, it kind of is official. Like, this is the official campaign of Barack Obama. Like, I get these emails that say ‘Give us $25 and we’ll give you a Shepard Fairey poster of Barack Obama.’ You must be loaded these days. Are you rolling in it? Is this your cash cow? Do you say ‘cha-ching, no more art?’ Is this it? Are you retiring on this thing?
    • Fairey: No, I’m not.
    • Stephen: What do you mean, you’ve got to be making some cash on this thing.
    • Fairey: Uh, somebody is somewhere.
    • Stephen: You’re not protecting the copyright on this thing?
    • Fairey: Only when people are trying to just bootleg it for profit, have I tried to protect the copyright. Otherwise–
    • Stephen: Otherwise, they can just have it?
    • Fairey: Yeah.
    • Stephen: Well, aren’t you just proving that Obama’s going to be socialist? ‘Cause the poster, you’re saying that the poster belongs to everybody. Come on, turn a buck on this thing man!
    • Fairey: Well, I benefit from this in other ways. For instance, Barack Obama’s going to be president in a few days.
  • There’s one thing that I want to thank you for. And that is, I’m sure everybody knows, this year in the best and worst of Entertainment Weekly, my show The Colbert Report was named the number one show on television by Entertainment Weekly. And you did the picture of me for the article.
    • Fairey: I think it’s pretty popular. I don’t know if you’re as popular as Obama, but–
    • Stephen: Would you be willing to put ‘Obey’ at the bottom and turn this into a campaign ad for me?
    • Fairey: Absolutely.

Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit with pinstripes, bright white shirt, red tie with polka dots, French cuffs, blue Band-aid on his left middle finger, WristStrong bracelet.


  1. Just an update on the monkey on a lamb story. The monkey was caught by the police after theyfound it in a tree and shot it with a tranquilizer dart.
    Great episode!

    • LadyNocturne says:

      Well that’s reassuring. Now Clearwater early bird senior specials will be safe again! =)

  2. I was at this taping! It was great fun! My report can be found here: http://forum.colbertnation.com/tcr/board/message?board.id=TCR&thread.id=1250

    • ColbertGirl27 says:

      Thanks for the report! I can’t believe people didn’t stand up for Stephen when he came out and ran around! When I went to my taping,I just popped out of my seat like a jack-in-the-box!

      • Nobody stood up at mine either (well, besides me). I just decided to get up even though no one was, and in return, since my arm was so far out, I got a wonderful chest graze of Stephen. So, the weirdness of it being just me was completely worth it.

  3. forsakinghalfloves says:

    As Crooks and Liars pointed out, David Gregory was nailed! I think it was really great of Stephen to ask a member of the press corps if they will be asking the Obama administration the tough questions, the right questions. Because they definitely weren’t asking the Bush administration those questions they claimed they asked, or that they will ask this new administration.

    Like Mr. Colbert said at the 2006 White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner, “Over the last five years, you people were so good—over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn’t want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out”

    • Exactly, I love the “I esp. loved the questions you DIDN’T ask” quip.

      A worthy candidate for the nailings course at Colbert U methinks.

  4. MaryLovesColbert says:

    Ha! I thought that Fairey guy did the picture of him in EW! It was fantastic! :D

  5. forsakinghalfloves says:

    I just had to ask, but isn’t Mr. Met one of his writers? Hehe… :)

  6. Marvelous job on the Episode Guide, Lady N!

  7. Did anybody else notice that Stephen and David Gregory had matching suits, almost down to the tie? Gotta say, though, it looks better on Stephen!

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