Episode 5007 (1/14/2009)

Hey, I don’t pay my taxes; why can’t I be treasury secretary? This is The Colbert Report!”

Change You Can Cash In On: “Tonight, is Barack Obama being over marketed? For just 25 dollars you can get a commemorative tote bag containing the answer.”

  • Iran and Bush’s Effigy
  • Barack Obama Collectibles

Desk Guest: P.K. Winsome

Space Case: “Then, astronomers make an important discovery about the stars. They’re just like us! ”

  • Little Victories

Public Service Announcement: “And my guest, Alan Khazei says Americans should volunteer public service. I’ll volunteer to publicly serve him his own ass.”

  • Guest- Alan Khazei

In closing: “Well, that’s it for The Report, everybody. Remember, those commemorative plates are still available and if you order in the next 30 minutes you’ll get not one, but two sets billed to your credit card. Goodnight everybody!”

Video Highlight:

P.K. Winsome- Obama Collectibles
Desk guest P.K. Winsome believes the merchandising of Barack Obama is the dream that Martin Luther King, Jr. envisioned.

R.A.P.S. – Click here to talk about the episode!

NOTABLE MOMENTS – Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website


  • I just to start the show with a special shout out to my college acting teacher. [Mouths “call me”]
  • Oh folks, it is cold, it is cold in this city! While they were waiting to get in line tonight several of my audience members had their genitals snap off like graham crackers when they were being frisked by security.
  • Now, it may be frigid outside, but in here [Points to heart] it is a scorcher, because I am partly angry with a chance of rage.
  • I saw something today that really got my Irish up, and that usually only happens to me first thing in the morning.
  • They’re burning pictures of Barack Obama! This is unbelievable! A. Last time I checked he’s a secret Muslim. Full disclosure, I have never checked. Second, Iran, what happened to one President at a time?
  • Listen Mahmoud Ahmad-don’t you wish your friend was hot like me-inejad, President Bush is still our leader! You burn his picture until January 20th!
  • And I expect, after everything you’ve said, to send George Bush’s effigy off in style! I want a giant doll stuffed with goat feces, then dosed in gasoline and sent ablaze by an innocent schoolchild who is selected by winning an essay contest- “Death to America: What it means to me”.
  • I don’t want anybody out there to think for a minute that I’m some kind of apologist for Barack Obama. I have always had my doubts about this guy! I mean, is he really qualified? Is he really an American? Where was he really on the night that Vince Foster died?
  • But, I am a free market guy and I am afraid folks that the market has spoken. Barack Obama can sell crap.
  • Now, very important- these coins are not approved, endorsed, sponsored, or authorized by the U.S government which means that right now they are worth more than real money.
  • While it’s too soon to say whether Obama will be a great president- he won’t- we can all agree that he is a great marketing tool.
    • PK Winsome: Thank you, Stephen. You know, you forgot to mention that I’m also the President of “PK Winsome’s Finishing Camp for Talented Young Ladies”. Applications online; send a picture.
    • Stephen: Well, he certainly has broken down a lot of barriers.
      PK Winsome: Oh, you said it, Stephen. And that takes energy! Which is why I’m proud to offer this commemorative President Obama energy drink, “Yes We Can of Energy Drink”. It’s good. Now with 100% real pomegranate artificial flavoring.
      Stephen: [Takes a sip] Oh, it’s like I’m in a flavor lab in the Mediterranean. I feel so alive! Oh, God, I’m crashing.
      PK Winsome: That’s going to happen, Stephen. Also, they’re not going to let you give blood for about a month.
    • Stephen: Now, PK, as a black man do you think this merchandising of Barack Obama is the dream that Martin Luther King envisioned?
      PK Winsome: Oh yes, Stephen. He had a dream that one day the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners would sit down together at the table of brotherhood and enjoy my commemorative butter substitute “Obamargarine”. Now everyone can say “I can’t believe America finally elected a black man for President, and also I can’t believe that’s not butter!” It’s that good.
  • PK Winsome: And if you order now, free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty this commemorative egg timer is free at last.
    • PK Winsome: Speaking of family, Stephen, I’m also offering a special close out deal on my book ‘Dreams From My Father’.
      Stephen: Actually I believe that that’s Barack Obama’s book.
      PK Winsome: No, no, he’s book was ‘Dreams From My Father’. My book is entitled ‘Dreams From My Father’. It’s about dreams my father told me when we went camping. Chapter 1 is called “Well Endowed Naked Lady Riding a White Lion”.
      Stephen: Sounds like a great dad.
      PK Winsome: [Looks as if he’s about to cry] Yeah, he was Stephen.
      Stephen: Was? I’m so sorry.
      PK Winsome: Well, he’s dream lives on. $19.95
  • Now, PK, you know I don’t see race. People tell me I’m white and I believe them because I watch Antiques Roadshow.
    • Stephen: As a white man, can I take advantage of these merchandising opportunities without seeming racist?
      PK Winsome: Of course, Stephen, that’s what this historic occasion is all about. There is no reason a white man should miss out on the single greatest African-American merchandising opportunity since the Thurgood Marshall grill.
      Stephen: They weren’t just Thurgood-
      PK Winsome: They were ThurGREAT!
  • I’d like to present my own humble tribute to this great man. Now available from the Colbert mint Stephen Colbert’s “Historical Collectibles of History Collection”. In November 2008 history was made; now you can own a part of that history on a plate. Be the first to reserve order ‘Zenith of Change’- the commemorative plate depicting the historic inauguration of Barack Obama as viewed on this Zenith television by Stephen Colbert. Each richly detailed machine colored plate features the touching inscription “Not For Use In Microwave”. This is a strictly limited edition; once people stop ordering these plates they will be ground into pumice and sold to a Korean nail saloon. Then, complete your collection with a plate you can believe in. This finest quality ceramic keepsake features the moving image of a Barack Obama collectible plate admired by Stephen Colbert and painted onto an old John F. Kennedy collectible plate. Over the years this timeless heirloom quality dish is guaranteed to change in value. The Kennedy plate alone was worth $100 before we painted on it. You’ll never forget where you were when your credit card was charged in full. Order now.
  • We’re on the verge of so many devastating crisis’s we could soon be facing a shortage of devastating crisis’s.
  • But in tough times some of us look at the glass is half empty, and some of us say that the glass is half full. Unfortunately, it’s urine. The point is if you were in a desert you’d be thankful for it! That is why I present another addition of our long running Newbury Award winning series ‘Little Victories’.
  • One of my favorite pastimes is lying back in a field and staring up at the stars. Looking into the vast limitless expanses of space makes me take stock and realize just how truly significant I am. I mean, those stars are so small! My hand can cover like a thousand of them. Giant balls of burning gas- I’m not buying it.
  • But if there is one thing that has always bothered me about space is that the Milky Way, America’s galaxy, was significantly smaller than our intergalactic neighbor, the Andromeda Galaxy. So we’re always overcompensating by going on about how big our dipper is.
  • [To Andromeda Galaxy] You’re so tiny I’ve seen Nebulas’ with bigger H2 regions! We’ve got a black hole at the center of our galaxy, and you’re an a#*$&%@! Oh! You’re apparent magnitude is 4.4, but your apparent losertude is a perfect 10! Hows that feel, Andromeda? That’s really gonna burn when those insults reach you in 2.5 million years. I await your response.
  • My guest tonight believes all Americans should do their part to make this country better. I agree; I can’t do it all by myself.
  • I believe Martin Luther King also said “Follow the money”. He said “I got my mind on my money and my money on my mind.” Is one of the things I believe he said.
  • Don’t you think it’s a little ironic that on Martin Luther King day you’re asking people to work for no pay?
  • From the Alan Khazei interview:
    • Stephen: You say that this nation was built, America was built, on national service.
      Alan Khazei: That’s true actually…
      Stephen: Okay no, it’s not true. America was built on a lot of things. It was built on people who had a tea fetish. It was built on- You know what it’s really built on? It’s built on Indian burial grounds. That’s why the walls are bleeding and you hear that screaming from the attic these days. The damn country is haunted.

Fangirl Suit Report: Dark black suit, black tie with thin red stripes, white shirt with barrel cuffs, and a Wriststrong bracelet.

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