Posts Comments

You are here: Home / The Colbert Report / Episode 5006 (1/13/2009)

Episode 5006 (1/13/2009)

January 15, 2009 By

A house divided against itself cannot stand, but it’s worth squat in this market anyway. This is The Colbert Report!”

Gas-Nost: “Tonight, Russians cut off the natural gas pipeline to Europe in the most boring James Bond plotline ever.”

  • Actually, this is still a better plotline than Tomorrow Never Dies.

Union Jerk: “Plus a new threat from England. You’ll never guess what they’ve managed to put into a pie.”

  • Something tastes squirrely in Denmark (actually England, but whatever)

Niall’d Him: “And my guest Niall Ferguson has written a financial history of the world. Why didn’t he write a book with a happy ending?”

THE COLBERT BUMP – YOU’RE GETTING IT:
Niall Ferguson – The Ascent of Money: A Financial History of the World

In closing: “That is all the time we have for tonight’s show. Tomorrow night’s too, and last night’s. It’s the same amount of time every night so stop acting so surprised. Goodnight!”

Video Highlight:

On Notice/Dead to Me – Limey Squirrel Eaters
Bloodthirsty blokes react to the economic downturn by eating squirrels.

R.A.P.S. – Click here to talk about the episode!

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website

NOTABLE MOMENTS

  • Nation, I am finally feeling good about the Obama administration. I for one, like a lot of people, were afraid that they would raise taxes. But apparently, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geietner is so committed to lowering taxes that he doesn’t pay them.
  • Evidently, Geithner didn’t pay self-employment taxes while working for the International Monetary Fund. Well why should he pay taxes for that? It’s international! The same reason I won’t pay sales tax at IHOP.
  • Congress confirmed this man so we could finally have a Treasury Secretary committed to treasure!
  • I have missed a few days on my Inagural Advent calender. I’m just gonna take a couple of days at once. [Take pills] Mmm, oh my goodness, it’s true. When you take a percocet and a vicodin together, it tastes just like …..and a root beer float.
  • And the economic news just keeps getting worse. My daughter has stopped asking me for a pony and is now willing to settle for a bottle of glue.
  • We need decisive action to avoid another Great Depression. So I say, how about another world war? This is Cold War Update!
  • Now the mainstream media would have you believe that the Cold War ended in the early 90s. But if Soviet espionage was really over, who is that Russian spy I killed earlier today in my dressing room? And what did he do to the reporter for Russian Vogue who was supposed to interview me?
  • Clearly enemy #1 is still Russia, who last week shut off their natural gas pipeline to much of Europe, leaving large parts of Europe cold and dark, when the were seeking only to be bleak and dreary.
  • Now Russian Prime Minister For Life Vladimir Putin proved he had Russia’s iron fist on Europe gas valve. It’s right next to the button that drops the bomb, and the switch that .
  • The next commie menace: Cuba! Now I’ve always felt a special kinship with Cuba cause like me, they still believe the Cold War is still going on. Possibly because they haven’t has a new television since 1958.
  • Since Barack Obama’s election there have been repeated calls for the incoming President elect to open up relations with Cuba. This is a startling change from 48 years ago when the mob used sugar cane money to pay Jack Ruby to disguise himself as Marilyn Monroe in order to seduce Castro leaving the real Marilyn Monroe to disguise herself as Howard Hughes and fly the Spruce Goose into JFK’s motorcade. Of course they don’t print that in the New York Times…[whispers] Because they’re in on it too!
  • But last week Fidel Castro’s younger brother Raoul, known in Cuban teen magazines as “the cute one”, offered to engage in direct talks with Barack Obama and said the President Elect was honest, sincere, and could quote “do a great deal”. Now all they have to do is pick a site for the summit. Somewhere that’s convenient for Raoul. I don’t know, maybe…Guantanamo BAY?!!.
  • If we open up relations with Cuba, the appeal of rum mambo and spicy Latinas could prove irresistible. Just look at the classic Cuban propaganda film, Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights. I saw that movies in the theaters and for two hours afterwards I tried to convince the guy in the snackbar to overthrow the popcorn machine.
  • Finally on the Cold War hit-list, Russia. Yes, again. If the age of Soviet espionage is really over, then why do I have three rolls of microfish…hidden in my rectum? Answer me that, I beg you. [breaks] I meant…I meant to say micro-feesh. Microfish are like tiny trout, which would be ridiculous to have up your butt, ridiculous!
  • [Russia is] expanding their ties to China! Last month Russia and China cut the ribbon on a brand new military hotline from Moscow to Beijing. The direct channel is a huge improvement over Russia and China’s previous line of communication, carrier potatoes.
  • Prank Calling China Palace
    • China Palace Employee: Hello, China Palace.
    • Stephen: ‘ello comrade! This is Vladimir Putin, I am Russian!
    • China Palace Employee: Okay, can I take your order?
    • Stephen: See? They’re taking orders from Putin over the phone. Yes, I have question. Is your refrigerator running?
    • China Palace Employee: Is this a prank call?
    • Stephen: Dah. I mean yet!
  • Man! Those Chinese are good. Oh well, we’ll just have to fight China the old fashioned way: a proxy war in Vietnam.
  • The British economy has tanked. It’s gotten so bad Buckingham Palace guards have had to take second jobs as boom mics.
  • But the real problem is how the British are reacting to this economic downturn: They are eating squirrels!
  • If the British wanted to eat something gamey and 90% bones, why don’t they just eat Amy Winehouse?
  • But these bloodthirsty blokes aren’t eating just any squirrel. In an effort to save their beloved native red squirrel, the British are hunting and eating non-native grey squirrels. Oh, and guess where those grey squirrels come from? That’s right, America.
  • How dare you! I thought we lived in a post-racial world where squirrels are not judged by the color of their fur but by the content of their nutsacs.
  • But these red-squirrel-premisists have even set up a website, waterski.
  • Nation, the American grey squirrel is a noble and beautiful creature. Her lustrous, bushy tail, powerful thighs, and robust digging claws symbolize America’s greatness. Deftly eating from the bird-feeder of justice and cramming her regal cheeks with Freedom Acorns, she embodies the boundless optimism of the American people and ennobles every trashcan lid she manages to gnaw her way through. Stay out of my f*cking trashcan! I am not running a ***damn squirrel motel!
  • Well I’m not standing idly by while this anti-American squirrelcide continues. We let you British invade our natural habitat with your musicians, your Oscar winning actors, and your god-forsaken muffins.
  • This is an act of war and it’s time to fight back. Nation we must eat animals they hold dear. I suggest their precious English Sheepdog. What’re they doing mating their dogs with sheep? It’s unnatural.
  • My guest tonight has written a financial history of the world. I’ll ask what I can learn from him what I can’t learn from the guy with the question mark suit. Please welcome Niall Ferguson!
  • Interview with Niall Ferguson
    • Stephen: You got a book here called “The Ascent of Money” It’s a financial history of the world. Okay, I’ll bite. What is money? All I know is I got a lot of it. Can I eat it? Can I eat money? Can I have sex with it?
    • Stephen: We’re having a problem right now. No one will lend anybody money. So doesn’t that mean there is no money? No one will lend money, then money itself doesn’t exist by your logic.
    • Ferguson: Well in some ways that’s true because a lot of money doesn’t take that form at all. It’s in banks and it’s invisble.
    • Stephen: Invisible money? How do you know if someone steals it?
    • Ferguson: Money relies heavily on trust. That’s why the word credit has it’s…
    • Stephen: Okay, see, I like money but I don’t like trusting people.
    • Ferguson: So if you want money out of the bank you take your little plastic card and you go to a hole in the wall. At that point the money’s not visible.
    • Stephen: Wait, are you at a gay porn shop? What hole are you talking about? Do you eat squirrel, by the way?
    • Ferguson: Never.
    • Stephen: Okay, good to hear that.
    • Stephen: Jesus said money is the root of all evil!
    • Ferguson: No he didn’t. No he didn’t. He said, Stephen, the love of money is the root of all evil.
    • Stephen: Alright. He also said you cannot serve both God and money.
    • Ferguson: That is true.
    • Stephen: You will hate one and love the other. So in the history of money, which is what you’re going over here, where we on the Love/God Love/Money scale right now.
    • Ferguson: Not only does it say “In God We Trust” but it has a wonderful pyrimad on the back with an all-seeing eye. Which is quite extraordinary when you come to think about it. I mean, why is that there?
    • Stephen: Well because the founding fathers were all Masons. And the Illuminati control the world monetary. Did you find out about the Illuminati in your book? Where do they kick in controlling everything?
    • Stephen: Can anything be money?
    • Ferguson:It can be anything.
    • Stephen: Could I be money? Am I money?
    • Ferguson: Stephen, if people will accept you as payment for goods, then you are money.
    • Stephen: Cigarettes are money in prison. I did a little hard time which is why I have such street cred with the kids.
    • Stephen: This book is also a series on PBS. Right?
    • Ferguson: That’s right.
    • Stephen: Well why on PBS? They don’t know anything about money. They pay for those doo-wop concerts with sacks of chestnuts. They’re the poorest people in the world.
    • Ferguson: Being in squirrel-eating Britan, I assumed they had money like the BBC.
    • Stephen: No no no. They barter with belly-button lint.

ManFan Suit Report: Grey jacket and pants, light blue shirt, red tie with stripes, wristSTRONG bracelet.

Filed Under: The Colbert Report Tagged With:

If you're new to our Zoner community, please read the No Fact Zone Comment Policy before commenting. Thank you!