Episode 5005 (1/12/2008)

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you again. I am shameless. This is The Colbert Report!”

Prez v. Press: “Tonight, in his last press conference, Bush admits to the biggest mistake of his presidency – holding press conferences.”

  • Bush’s Last Press Conference

The Wørd: Sweet Smell of Success

The Id & The Super-Eagle: “Then an update on my eagle son, Stephen Jr. Would it hurt you to call your grandmother?”

  • Stephen Jr. on Christmas Eve

Bay Watch: “Plus, ACLU director Anthony Romero says we should close Guantanamo Bay. Sounds like a good reason to send him there.”

In closing: “I have a lot more to say, but I’m sure you would like some time for your eardrums to scab over. So good night!”

Video Highlight:

Anthony Romero
Anthony Romero believes it will be a huge mistake if Barack Obama doesn’t close Guantanamo immediately.

R.A.P.S. – Click here to talk about the episode!

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website


  • I’m going to miss you people when I’m dead.
  • Now I’m not normally a fan of the Golden Globes. They are given out by an organization whose very name, as I have said before, contains the three worst words in the English language – Hollywood Foreign, and Press.
  • Even Taupe, the saddest of the creme tones. You see, taupe says I may not feel your pain, but my evening gown does.
  • Don’t hide your grief.
  • He’d won over almost as many voters as he’s executed.
  • So as the press conference began, I drew a bubble bath and poured myself a glass of wine and perched my TV right on the edge of the tub with my toe wrapped around the cord. If the president admitted to any wrongdoing, well … there are worse ways to go.
  • When it came to connecting the dots, the president could not win. But it’s not his fault – the Oval Office placemats are really tough.
  • See how modest he is? He left out unnecessary.
  • It has gotten so bad that Deal or No Deal has switched its name to Meal or No Meal.
  • He “thinks” we can? What happened to Yes We Can? Oh, I guess he inspired the nation with the motto “CHANGE we can believe in if we catch a break or two, no promises.
  • Now, normally I don’t trust anything English. I have been burned too many times by some guy in a robe telling me to pull his sword from the sword. [His Name? Sir Cumcision]
  • [On A Scale Of Zero To Kid Rock]
  • Axe works for me and for millions of awkward teenage males, so it should work for the American economy.
  • [sprays T-bill with Axe] That ought to turn the Chinese on [Works Like Tiger Dong]
  • Editor’s Note: I wonder if the studio still reeks today after that segment with the Excess Axe.
  • I don’t like to air my personal life on this show. I am an intensely private person. Ask any subscriber to my 24 hour Colbert Cam.

    Stephen Colbert Cam Live 24/7

  • Editor’s Note: If he’s anything like my husband, I’m surprised he didn’t have his iPhone in there.
  • I got some good news – Stephen Jr. was spotted in the Lower Klamath Wildlife Refuge between Oregon and California. I assume it is a refuge from Oregon and California.
  • Remember son, compliment her on the pleasing bulge of her esophageal food sack. It works in any species.
  • Oh, there is nothing like the look on a little boy’s face when he reaches deep into his stocking and pulls out the half-chewed head of a squirrel.
  • Let my boy live his life without worrying if he’ll show up in the pages of Us Weekly in a section called “Eagles: They’re Just Like Us”. Or worse, “Who Devoured It Better?”
  • From the interview with Anthony Romero:
    • Anthony Romero: No president is ever going to be able to immunize us from a terrorist attack.
      Stephen: I don’t understand … How many needles is that going to need for that?
    • Stephen: You like the things the Supreme Court decides. The Surpreme Court decided Bush should be president, why don’t you like him?
    • Stephen: Wait a second, wait a second. Do you find fault with everyone?
      Anthony Romero: Yes.
      Stephen: Is there no one who pleases you?
      Anthony Romero: Yes!
      Stephen: You find fault with me? Go ahead. Try to find fault with me.
      Anthony Romero: I think that tie is not my favorite. Sorry, sorry, you ask a gay guy a question, we’re going to answer it about fashion.
    • Stephen: I will grant you this, if he does not close Guantanamo in the first week of his presidency, he owns it. He owns it if he doesn’t close it right away. Six months in, the world will look at Barack Obama and see George Bush.
      Anthony Romero: It’s amazing how much we’re agreeing with each other, I guess this is what happens on the third show, but I’m saying to you also …
      Stephen: We’re agreeing, but we’re disagreeing about what the agreement means.

Fangirl Suit Report: Dark black suit, Pale almost aqua blue (lovely!) with French cuffs, Sunshine yellow tie with thin maroon striped pattern.

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