Episode 5003 (01/07/2009)

“It’s the year of the ox! Good. I was getting sick of eating rat. This is The Colbert Report!”

Classless Action: “Tonight, Obama wants to make it easier for people to sue their employers for past abuse. Jon Stewart, my silence about our ‘workouts’ ends.”

  • CNN’s Dr. Sanjay Gupta says he’s been approached to be the next Surgeon General
  • President-Elect Obama wants to ‘update the social contract.’

The Wørd: Statute of Liberty

The Times, They Are A Changin’: “Plus, The New York Times is running ads on the front page, and they’ve hired a new columnist: the Gorton’s fisherman.”

  • Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger:
    • Wag: Chinese Bootleggers
    • Tip: Environmental Protection Agency
    • Wag: Scientists who are studying the biochemistry of addiction

Che Anything: “And my guest is Benicio Del Toro, star of the movie ‘Che.’ I’ll ask him which T-shirt he’s doing a movie about next.”

  • Guest: Benicio Del Toro, star of the movie ‘Che


Benicio Del ToroChe

In closing: “Well that’s it for the Report, everybody. I want to thank my guest Benicio Del Toro for being my guest this evening. Don’t forget, the pro-Commie epic ‘Che’ opens this Friday, and I have just been informed we all get to share in the profits. Goodnight everybody!”

Video Highlight:

Tip/Wag: Cocaine Honey
Now we know that the missing honeybees are in the bathroom doing a bump.

R.A.P.S. – Click here to talk about the episode!

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website


  • Well, it has happened again – what a show I have prepared, by myself, with no help from others. I am in awe of me! My guest tonight is Benicio Del Toro. He’s here tonight promoting his new movie ‘Che,’ a four-hour film about the building of Che [Shea] Stadium. You do not want to miss the concrete-pouring sequence. If you do not cry, you don’t have a heart.
  • Speaking of things that no one understands, what has happened to Obama’s transition? What a mess! I mean, the next four years are going to be a disaster! *chuckles* Whew! Oh, America’s finished.
  • Now like any administration official who steps down, Richardson is sure to write a tell-all book, a blistering account of his two weeks deep inside the Obama administration, a fortnight in history. Maybe he’ll spill the beans about his one phone call with the President-Elect. Did his call-waiting beep? And perhaps, we’ll finally find out who’s responsible for the faulty intelligence he received that bolo ties are cool.
  • Panetta? The man has no intelligence experience! Mr. President-Elect, if you needed help finding a good CIA operative, you could have just asked Scooter Libby to out someone!
  • And now there’s Obama’s probable pick for Surgeon General. [CNN clip about its Chief Medical Correspondent Sanjay Gupta] Oh, Sanjay Gupta says he’s been approached? Guess what, I say I’ve been approached too. I’m a TV doctor! I have an honorary doctorate in Fine Arts! And, at least – at least! – I never covered this story. [CNN ‘Planet in Peril’ clip] It was all part of CNN’s investigative landmark report, ‘Penis in Peril.’
  • Don’t forget to get a full serving every day.
  • Oh, that reminds me, I need to open the next door in my Inaugural Advent Calendar. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Xanax. Mmm, mmm, oh. That does take the edge off.
  • And I need it ’cause you see, I’m a little panicky. ‘Cause I know the President-Elect is going to try to change the way Americans are allowed to treat each other. It’s right on his website. “We need to update the social contract.” No we don’t! I have negotiated a great social contract for myself! I’m famous, I’m rich, and I’ve got dental. Besides, the whole point of a contract is that you can’t change it. That’s why I had to fake my own death to get out of an endorsement deal with ‘Good-On-Ya’ Australian cologne. ‘Splash it “Down Under!”‘ I was starting to attract dingoes.
  • In 2007, the Supreme Court ruled against Lily Ledbetter, a Goodyear plant supervisor who sued the company because for twenty years, she got smaller raises than her male counterparts. [Vulcanized Rubber Ceiling]
  • The justices didn’t deny that the discrimination took place, but they ruled that under the 1964 Civil Rights Act, she needed to file suit within six months of the first unfair paycheck she received. [Men Got 8 Months]
  • Now, sure, she didn’t know for years that she was getting paid less, but she should have. Who do you think steams open Jon Stewart’s paycheck every week? [Stephen’s Unpaid Envelope Steamer]
  • Now, you see, the Ledbetter ruling is great because it has already been used to dismiss a disabled plaintiff’s lawsuit over his Idaho apartment building not having a wheelchair ramp. [Idaho Has Apartment Buildings?]
  • The appeals court – the appeals court said he should have sued when the building was built, eight years before he moved in. [Also, Try Not Being Disabled] And I say, I say, folks, it is his tough luck. But they also don’t build wheelchair ramps on time machines. [DeLorean Doesn’t Fit In Handicapped Spot]
  • Now, of course the Democrats say they’ll nullify the court’s decision by passing a bill to relax that six-month statute of limitations. Ordinarily I’d be all for a move like this, because I do not believe in expiration dates. I say, let the free market decide when milk goes bad. [Or Wait Until Milk Can Decide For Itself]
  • But, lifting this statute of limitations would just unleash a flood of frivolous lawsuits! [Especially From The Flood Victims] That is why a similar bill failed last year. [Clip of Obama and McCain at 2008 presidential debate] A trial lawyer’s dream. Not to be confused with a trial lawyer’s wet dream, which is Angelina Jolie driving a Ford Pinto, dressed only in asbestos. [Also Jennifer Aniston’s Wet Dream]
  • Well, they are trying to pass this bill again, folks. They want to throw out a basic cornerstone, not only of American justice, but of American business! What you didn’t know didn’t hurt you! [Also Dick Cheney’s Tramp Stamp]
  • Just take for example, my staff. This very studio we are in is across the street from a giant telecommunications substation which, let’s say for fun, has been beaming high-powered microwaves at us for three-and-a-half years. My chili never gets cold. So naturally, I’ve put all the ladies on my staff in the front offices to absorb the death rays. Of course, I didn’t tell them that, and now they can’t sue me, because they would have to have filed suit in the first six months they worked here. [For Something Other Than Sexual Harassment] Oh. And, um, to all of you who were hired in the last six months, that tingling sensation in your skull just means your dandruff shampoo is working. [Though Paid Less Than Male Shampoos]
  • I say we just create a new blanket statute of limitations. Any event at all, more than six months in the past, didn’t happen. That has always been my defense in paternity suits. I mean, we should live for today. [That’s The Line That Led To His Paternity Suits] So, I am sorry, President-Elect Obama, if you really want people like Lily Ledbetter to get the justice they were denied in the past, get someone to deny their civil rights now. And that’s the Wørd.
  • Folks, my New Year’s resolution was to be less judgmental. But that’s stupid.
  • The city of Nanjing is opening up a new shopping mall filled not only with counterfeit brands, but entire counterfeit stores. Look at these actual photographs: Pizza Huh, Bucksstar Coffee, and McDnoald’s. By the way, the McDnoald’s mascot, Gromace, is also their primary source of meat.
  • I have been tricked by these moo-goo-gai scams before. For instance, last summer I needed a bike helmet, but I wanted to save some money, so I went down to Chinatown and bought a bike hemlet. It’s like a regular bike helmet, except when it comes into contact with sunshine, it catches fire. Which is why you may have noticed last July, I had no eyebrows. . . or hair.
  • Now I’m no fan of the EPA; everybody knows that. Who are they to tell me where I can and can’t dispose of my trichloroethylene? But I like this idea. In an effort to curb greenhouse gas emissions, the EPA is considering a hundred and seventy-five dollar tax on every cow. I say it is about time cows started paying their fair share! They have gotten free handouts for too long. Free hormone therapy, free all-you-can-eat antibiotics bar, flavored with ground-up other cows.
  • Haven’t you ever heard of cow tipping? They never declare those tips as income.
  • Now we know where all those missing honeybees have gone! They’re in the bathroom doing a bump.
  • Still, I have got to give a tip of my hat to this season’s honey. I mean, this stuff is amazing. I’m not even that hungry and I can’t get enough of it. This is like the best honey I’ve ever tasted, you know. It makes me feel like I’m really thinking. You know, like think thinking. You know that honey’s the only food that never expires? I read that on a Snapple cap! Man, I wanna dance, you know? I wanna dance dance! Oh, god. Oh, oh my head. I am so depressed. Ugh. *rubs more honey on his gums* Buzz buzz.
  • *Editor’s note: Is that a WristStrong bracelet on Benicio Del Toro’s wrist?*
  • Colbert: Did you bring your Oscar?
    • Del Toro: Um, no.
    • Colbert: No? Are you afraid my Emmy might beat it up?
    • Del Toro: I don’t know, my Oscar is pretty built up.
    • Colbert: Yeah, but does your Oscar have razor-sharp wings?
  • Colbert: All right, here’s my problem with you, sir. Here’s my problem with you, okay. Your movie’s about Che Guevara, correct? All right? He’s a Communist, right? Rebel leader?
    • Del Toro: He was, he was.
    • Colbert: He was? Communist, okay. You’re a very gifted actor, a very attractive man. Steven Soderburgh is directing this, he’s a very gifted director. If I go see this movie, am I gonna go Commie?
  • *Nice ‘Che Colbert’ T-shirt!*
  • I’m just saying, I think that you are Hollywood elites who are using your skills to suck unsupecting kids into admiring a Communist.
    • Del Toro: No, to learn some history. A little bit of history.
    • Colbert: Who’s the hero of the movie?
    • Del Toro: Well, Che.
    • Colbert: Yes. And kids admire heroes.
    • Del Toro: Well, they learn too, from heroes.
    • Colbert: Yes. . .
  • *As Del Toro folds his Colbert T-shirt* You know what, you could work at the Gap. You’re very good at that, you got those sleeves in, like that. That could be the next role you play.
  • Colbert: If he weren’t so handsome – Che was a charismatic figure. Would he have been as successful, gotten people to follow him, if he weren’t an attractive person?
    • Del Toro: I think he would have been as successful, maybe, in what he wanted to do, but he might not have become an emblem, or a T-shirt.
    • Colbert: Nobody wants an ugly T-shirt.
  • Wait a second! Are you comparing Reagan with Fidel Castro?!
  • Del Toro: I met Castro briefly, and we were supposed to meet and talk about Che on my next trip and then he fell ill. So I never had the chance to talk to him about Che and sit down like we’re having right now, a conversation.
  • Colbert: I find things are quicker to do if you don’t learn anything before you do them. I come out here every night and just start talking as if I know things.
    • Del Toro: Well but you know, you’re talented.
  • I assume because Che Guevara was a socialist, you would like everyone to sneak into this film without paying, because the film really belongs to all of us, doesn’t it? And I’m sure you didn’t get paid.
  • Maybe after Che’s at the Battle of Santa Clara, he has a Sierra Mist. How ’bout that?

Fangirl Suit Report: Dark grey suit, White shirt with French cuffs, Burgundy and gold striped tie, WristStrong bracelet.


  1. Thanks for the extensive episode guide! I love when they’re so thorough.

    A slight correction on the first bullet of Notable Moments: I believe he’s referring to Shea Stadium, the former home of the Mets (which is being demolished and replaced by Citi Field :/).

    • Kinaesthesia says:

      Indeed he is. I took it as a pun on the name, but I guess we’ll never know what the teleprompter actually said :)

      Thanks for the catch!

  2. somuch2kno says:

    Hey! I just realized (in an early-morning-in-the-shower-aha!-moment) that the Colbert/Che tee-shirt equals… mash-up!

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