Episode 5004 (01/08/2009)

“The hills are alive with the sound of wolves! Run Maria, run! This is The Colbert Report!”

Deus-Logue: “Tonight! Does God speak directly to us? I will tell you his answer.”

  • New York Times sells ad space on front page.
  • Yahweh or No Way

Utah-kin’ To Me?: “Then, I’m being attacked by a member of Congress. I have got to stop splashing myself in voter urine.”

  • Stephen challenges Jason Chaffetz and KSTU Fox 13 to a leg wrestling rematch.

Copywrong: “Plus, my guest Lawrence Lessig has written a book about how our copyright laws are outdated. I Xeroxed his book so we could all have a free copy.”

  • Guest: Lawrence Lessig, author


Lawrence LessigRemix: Making Art and Commerce Thrive in the Hybrid Economy

In closing: “Wow, I wrote a really good book. That’s it for the Report everybody. Go Gators!”

Video Highlight:

Leg Wrestling Rematch: Stephen will take on Jason Chaffetz and the entire KSTU Fox 13 News Team.

R.A.P.S. – Click here to talk about the episode!

NOTABLE MOMENTS – Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website


  • Nation, it is so great to feel your love, and I really need it these days, you know, it’s been really tough keeping my mood up with the inauguration less than two weeks away. Oh, which reminds me, I have to open up my inaugural Advent calender for today. [Pulls out Advent calender and opens up a panel] Let’s see, what do we have here…Zoloft? Mmm…Paxil.
  • You see, Obama is killing me here ’cause he is getting to live out all my fantasies: being elected President, pissing off Dianne Feinstein, and just yesterday this: [Video of Obama standing between George W. and George H.W. Bush] I want to be the meat in a Bush sandwich!
  • Bravo, Times! For abandoning your dignity and dropping to your knees in a back alley for 20 bucks like the rest of us. Speaking of which, I could really go for some Sierra Mist. [Pulls out a Sierra Mist and takes a few sips] Mmm, that tastes sponsory.
  • Oh my god, The Mentalist is the number one new series? What a scoop! I smell Pulitzer. [Takes a sniff of the paper.] No actually, I think that’s three-day old Krugman.
  • Now many say that the reason Mr. Burris was denied his seat was because he was appointed by suspected politician and Lego hair-model Rod Blagojevich. But we all know the real reason Mr. Burris was shut out: [camera cut] Racism! Democrats want to keep the Senate an all-white club. Well, yesterday Harry Reid pulled a 180 and it looks like Mr. Burris will be seated after all. And we all know why: [camera cut] Racism! Democrats want to have the only black senator to themselves.
  • Now folks, it’s not as crazy as it sounds. Blagojevich may very well be a saint, and we just can’t see the halo because of his chinchilla brain cozy.
  • Now a lot of people claim to talk to God, but God can’t really be speaking to all these people. He’s way too busy deciding high school basketball games. Go Cougars!
  • First up, is Roland Burris really God’s chosen senator? Let’s look at the evidence. Burris does seem to perform miracles. No matter where he goes, a podium magically appears: at the airport, at a parking lot, in the shower.
  • So, Yahweh or no way? Yahweh? You see, Blagojevich did talk to God and you can hear his entire conversation on the FBI wiretap.
  • Next case, Pat Robertson. Robertson has a well-known annual tradition of relaying God’s predictions for the coming year. He’s kind of like a Magic 8-ball where your options are yes, maybe, and blame the gays.
  • Wait, I knew Jim Cramer looked familiar: He’s Jesus! [Picture of Cramer with Jesus hair]
  • So, Yahweh or no way? No way! False idol. Roberson couldn’t have heard that from God, because God would never endorse socialism. His son was a carpenter, a regular blue-collar guy, he’s Joe the Deity.
  • On stage, the kids held up letters spelling out the words ‘Christmas Love’. But the child with the M accidentally held it upside down, so it looked like ‘ChristWas Love’. Miraculous, I know. Especially when you consider that if those kids had stood in the wrong order, they might have spelled out ‘Mascot Shrivel’.
  • For instance, in volume 3, Walsh seems to know exactly how God expresses exasperation: “Oh Bananas!” That sounds like God to me. I mean, he wouldn’t say “Oh Pumpkin”, because he never takes the Gourd’s name in vain. [Stands up and drinks more Sierra Mist in celebration of that horrible, horrible pun.]
  • But what really clinches it is when God says “Jesus was teaching the law of cause and effect. It is what might be called the prime law. Somewhat like the prime directive given to Kirk, Picard, and Janeway.” Wait a second, Janeway? That’s the smoking gun right there, ’cause only God could love Star Trek: Voyager.
  • I expected Chaffetz to thank me, after all, I helped his constituents to better know him. Specifically, to better know that he has the hamstring strength of a newborn.
  • [Laughs manically] Chaffetz! I assume you were seated in a chair for that interview, since your legs couldn’t support a ladybug’s torso. You want a rematch Utah?
  • Maybe you forgot, because of all the blood rushed from your brain to your withered thighs, but we didn’t use all the footage from your interview. We already had a rematch. Jim – And after that, I gave you another rematch – [Another video of Stephen crushing Chaffetz at the art of the leg-wrestle].
  • YOu know what Congressman? Sure, I’ll give you a rematch, and I’ll take on your ‘Good Day’ cronies, Kerri Kronk and Kirk Yuhnke. I’ll Kronk their Yuhnkes!
  • For more on this breaking story, let’s check in with Stephen Colbert. [camera cut] Thanks Stephen. This just in, the entire KSTU news team is going to eat it at 5, 6, 8, 10, and 11! Back to you Stephen.
  • The hybrid economy is that everybody else does the work, and Flickr makes the money.
    • Lessig: Don’t tell anybody, don’t tell anybody this Stephen.
    • Stephen: I wouldn’t tell anybody that because when we have our Green Screen Challenges, they do all the work, and I make all the ad revenue.
  • You seem to be saying that this remixing is okay. What is the difference between remixing somebody’s work and just theft? If I go to Brooks Brothers and walk out with a handful of ties and get caught, and I just say “Oh, I was just remixing the patterns.” What’s the difference?
    • Lessig: The difference is when you’re remixing, you’re making something new. Like this show, or that other show, let me see, it’s the Jon Stewart show, all the time makes fantastic great new works by taking other people’s stuff and remixing it. You just did this on this show earlier on. That’s exactly what this remix is. It’s about taking work and building on top of it.
    • Stephen: Okay, so I can take your book right here, and just change the “Remix” into “Memix”, okay? And then, change it to Stephen Colbert at the bottom, add some value, like, let’s say I do a pretty good Snoopy, okay? I’ll do that like that. Okay, there’s my Snoopy right there. [shows off his Snoopy] Alright? So now, my book, my work of art. You cool with that?
    • Lessig: Right, right, put this on eBay. You think it’s going to get more than it is on Amazon right now or less?
    • Stephen: Much more.
    • Lessig: That’s exactly my point! Exactly my point. You’ve added value to that. Bravo. My praise to you.
    • Stephen: See, I’m benefiting from it, so that’s okay. But nobody should take my work, and do anything with it that is not approved, that’s what I’m saying. Ever, ever, never ever take anything of mine and remix it. For instance, I will be very angry and possibly litigious if anyone takes this interview right here and remixes it with some great dance beat, and it starts showing up in clubs across America.
    • Lessig: We’re joint copyright owners, so I’m okay with that. You can totally remix this. I’m fine with it.
    • Stephen: I do not give you permission.
    • Lessig: I give you permission.
    • Stephen: Too bad! Too bad, you’ve got a lawsuit on your hands buddy. Copyright is eternal!
    • Lessig: Copyright is joint for us. It’s ours together. We’re in this together Stephen.
    • Stephen: I want a divorce. I’m remixing this relationship.

Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit, bright white shirt, navy tie with polka dots, French cuffs, WristStrong bracelet.

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