Episode 5001 (01/05/2009)

Segment 1:

  • Intro
  • Colbert & Colmes – Roland Burris Appointment

Segment 2:

  • Tek Jansen – Beginning’s First Dawn: Episode Three

Segment 3:

  • John King
  • Colbert & Colmes – Colmes Gets Fired


John KingState of the Union

In closing: “Well, that’s it for the show, everybody. Join me tomorrow, when I say goodbye to Colbert & Colmes and introduce my new format: The Colbert Report – Colmes-Free Since 2009. G’night, everybody!”

Video Highlight:

Colbert & Colmes – Roland Burris Appointment
Rod Blagojevich proves himself to be a civil rights leader.

R.A.P.S. – Click here to talk about the episode!

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website


  • I have to be honest, I am still feeling the effects of my New Year’s celebration. You know the old saying, “Liquor before beer, never fear; beer before liquor, never been sicker”? Well I, uh, I propose an addition: “Grain alcohol before eggnog, wake up spooning with a seagull in a reservoir.”
  • Over at Fox News, Hannity & Colmes has said goodbye to liberal co-host Alan Colmes. Apparently, producers needed to make more room for Hannity’s neck.
  • Now, there’s been a lot of speculation about where Colmes might go next. MSNBC, Air America Radio, or maybe back home to terrorize Smurf Village.
    • Stephen: Welcome partner.
      Colmes: Thank you very much, Stephen. I’m looking forward to bringing some much-needed balance to your show.
      Stephen: Alan, I look forward to hearing your responses to my opinions, which can be any of the phrases on this list.
      Colmes: I see. (reads) “Right again, Stephen.” “Boo yah!” “Brilliant insight, Stephen.” “Aw, snap!” “Hamburger, you’re good!” “Boom goes the dynamite!”
  • Illinois Governor and cranial muskrat-smuggler Rod Blagojevich has made a pick to fill Barack Obama’s vacant senate seat. He has chosen Plaxico Burris. A great decision. Burris runs a tight forty and he has a strong stance on gun rights. Uh, a stance on one leg — he shot himself in the other.
  • [Clips of various news talking heads discussing the “taint” associated with Roland Burris] This could be the biggest taint to hit Washington DC since the swearing-in of Michigan Senator John Longcrotch.
  • Great report, brown-haired guy who’s not Steve Doocy. Clearly Democrats are racists! The only reason they supported Barack Obama for President was to get him out of their all-white Senate. Notice how they’ve given him his own Separate But Equal branch of government?
  • Alan, how racist are the Democrats, on a scale of Archie Bunker to the Klan?
  • Isn’t the hero of this story Rod Blagojevich? Isn’t Rod Blagojevich proving himself to be a civil rights leader, in this case?
  • Now, Al Franken looks like he’s going to be seated. Is this not an outrage? I don’t believe that a comedian should be allowed to run for public office!
    • Stephen: Maybe Blagojevich should appoint Carrot Top. Or Gallagher. He could use the gavel of Nancy Pelosi to smash watermelons.
      Colmes: See, Burris — watermelons?
      Stephen: Yes, watermelons.
      Colmes: Is there a reason you would mention watermelons?
      Stephen: That’s what Gallagher smashes — what, what are YOU saying?
    • Stephen: I still haven’t found a publisher for my sci-fi magnum opus, Stephen Colbert’s Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne, a Tek Jansen Adventure.
      Colmes: Hey, you know, I read some of that book.
      Stephen: Oh. Oh, and?
      Colmes: It’s obvious you do hate books.
    • Colmes: Hey, you’ve got Watership Down here in Non Fiction.
      Stephen: So?
      Colmes: It’s about rabbits at war! [Stephen drops Tek Jansen screen down in front of Colmes’s face.]
  • Tek Jansen: Fight noise! Sexy fight noise!
  • Tek Jansen: There’s a city in the distance. Take me there, trusty feet!
  • Tek Jansen: Mmm! These innocent enslaved beings taste delicious!
  • Our guest tonight is CNN’s chief national correspondent, best-known for his magic touch screen. Big deal. I have one of those, plus, it’s a phone.
  • [As Colmes rises to go to the John King interview] No, no! Stay! Stay!
  • From the John King interview:
    • Stephen: Welcome to Colbert & Colmes, I’m so sorry Alan couldn’t make it.
    • Stephen: What is the show called?
      King: We’re working on that, we’re close — another day or two. It’s kind of in lawyer-land at the moment.
      Stephen: You don’t have a name?
      King: I thought The King Report? No?
      Stephen: How ’bout The Lawyer Bait?
      King: You would sue me, wouldn’t you?
    • Stephen: I find that putting your name in the show really helps it. How about The Magic KINGdom?
      King: I like that! That is good.
      Stephen: King for a Day!
      King: It’s Good to Be the King!
      Stephen: On the John! No?
    • Stephen: I want to congratulate you and the rest of the media on getting Obama elected. You must feel very proud.
    • Stephen: If someone has to answer for the failures of the Bush administration, shouldn’t that person be Barack Obama?
    • King: One of the mistakes we all make, reporters who work in Washington sometimes, is we talk as if we’re talking at people, instead of listening to them.
      Stephen: You shouldn’t talk at people, you should yell at people, that’s my rule.
    • Stephen: As we say goodbye to my old show format, we’re also saying goodbye to President Bush, currently on his legacy tour. And what a legacy it is.
      Colmes: Yeah, and we’ll be spending the next number of years cleaing up after his “legacy.”
      Stephen: I believe you mean “Aw snap,” Alan.
    • Stephen: God, I hate you! I’m firing your ass, Colmes!
      Colmes: Uh, look, Stephen, you can’t — if you fire me, you’ve got to pay me for five years, okay?
      Stephen: Fine! Fine! [Writes out check]
      Colmes: Thank you.
      Stephen: And don’t come back! You know, unless you have a book to promote or something like that.
      Colmes: Boo yah! Colmes away! [Turns into a bat and flies out of the studio.]

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