It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas everywhere I go, possibly because I live in Macy’s. This is The Colbert Report!”
Star Light, Star Blight: “Tonight, the atheists are trying to take Christ out of Christmas. What’s next, taking the Christ out of Christiane Amanpour?”
- War on Christmas and Thong Santa
The Wørd: The Unbearable Lightness of Supreme Being
Twas The Nihilist Before Christmas: “Then astronomers are trying to ruin Christmas. Sounds like someone’s not getting the new Hubble telescope they asked for.”
- Dead Bobby
Phelps! I Need Somebody: “And I sit down with Olympic champion swimmer Michael Phelps. He may have brought home the gold, but where’s his myrrh?”
- Michael Phelps – Olympic athlete and author
THE COLBERT BUMP – YOU’RE GETTING IT:
Michael Phelps – No Limits: The Will to Succeed
In closing: [While eating the “Ghost” ribs of former stage manager Bobby] “Needs more salt. Well, I like to wish everybody out there in the Colbert Nation a Merry Christmas, especially my former former stage manager, Bobby. This is the last show, of the years, so … oh, I have a feeling it’s not going to be the last time I’m visited by this spirit. Good night everybody!”
The Word – The Unbearable Lightness of Supreme Being
Christmas really burns atheists up, which they can think of as a preview of their afterlife.
NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!
More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website
- Full Episode – Thursday December 11, 2008
- Intro – 12/11/08: Atheists are trying to take the Christ out of Christmas. What’s next, taking the Christ out of Christiane Amanpour?
- The Ghost of Stage Manager Bobby: The ghost of Bobby returns to show Stephen what his life was like before he became a greedy, narcissistic shell of a man.
- Michael Phelps: Michael Phelps will compete in the 2010 Winter Olympics after Stephen teaches him how to ice dance.
- Stephen Eats Ghost Ribs: Stephen wishes everybody a Merry Christmas, especially his former stage manager Bobby.
- Huge Christmas party to go to, and I am going to get Blitzened.
- Christmas in June? Oh, what fun! Putting on your wool sweater and drinking hot cocoa in front of a roaring fire when it’s 95 degrees out. Oh, your chestnuts will be roasting all right.
- Not to mention Santa would have to wear a more seasonal outfit. No way I’m letting my kids sit on St. Nick-o-lap right here.
- Christmas really burns Atheists up, which they can think of as a preview of their afterlife. [This Torment Not Yet Rated]
- Then you go to heaven where you get to play Wii Bowling with Ben Franklin.
- That’s right, Kentucky has drafted God into our battle against terror. And we are going to win, because unlike Al Quaida, we are fighting a holy war where our soldiers are righteous instruments of God’s will. [Praise
- There is an even worse offender out there, someone who everyday fuels the atheist agenda with his actions and fundamentally undermines our belief in God. [Glenn Beck] Of course, I am talking about God. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan. It’s just that recently I’ve noticed that something’s a little off. [“Does This Existence Smell Like It’s Gone Sour?”] Sometimes, sometimes bad things happening to bad people and good things happening to good people, good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people. But if there is an all-powerful loving God, why would he do that? [For Smites And Giggles?] I mean, seriously, seriously God, hard working people are losing their homes, unemployment is at a 26-year high, corruption is rampant, children are starving, the innocent are gunned down in Mumbia, vicious wars rage all over the planet. It is hard for us true believers to lead the flock when you keep giving the sheep a mutton eating virus. [God’s Wool Be Done] So, God, far be it from me, but if we are going to shut these Atheists down, let me give you some advice. First off, this morning’s sunrise, a little more pink. [And Maybe Add Mac Start up Chime] Second, if you want everyone, everyone to believe in you, you’ve got to be comprehensible. A little less “He Who Surpaseth All Understanding”, a little more “Ready For Prime Time.” [Leno is God?] You know who would be a great example for you? Santa Claus. Not that one, that one. He has a list of naughty and a list of nice, you know where you stand. [Not On His Lap] Plus, you know when Santa’s coming. With you it’s all “You shall not know the hour nor the day.” It’s off putting. We’re trying to plan our lives here. [God Worse Than Cable Guy] God, it’s just hard to make your case when you don’t seem to want to make it yourself. You’re shooting yourself in the foot. [Bloody Footprints On The Beach.] Now, if you don’t start pleasing your customers, I cannot be responsible for what happens. I’m not threatening to leave you, Lord, I will always believe in you. For now. [Privately Accepting Bids From Shiva] And I certainly hope everyone will believe in you. Because I know that you are all good. But I also know that bad things can happen to good people. And that’s The Word.
- Every one of my employees gets their own envelope.
- Jimmy, did I get stuck in the heating duct again? No, wait I’m right here.
- From the Dead Bobby segment:
- Bobby: Stephen, Stephen, it’s me, your old stage manager Bobby.
Stephen: Bobby … Bobby, not ringing any bells.
Bobby: I worked for you for three years.
Stephen: Not ringing any bells.
Bobby: You ate me.
Stephen:Oh yeah. Bobby, of course, how could I forget. I’m still working you off my hips.
- Stephen: Cut to the chase before I get out the Dirt Devil.
- Bobby: That was supposed to be you singing Christmas carols in front of a homeless shelter.
Stephen: I wasn’t singing carols, I was chanting “Get a job, get a job.”
- Bobby: Wait, wait a minute, what are you doing?
Stephen: Oh, nothing, you just look so succulent in the afterlife.
- From the interview with Michael Phelps
- Stephen: Is Chapter 1 “Swim Real Fast”?
- Stephen: I turn off the TV when they have those human interest stores before the race. For all I know, you were born with flippers.
- Stephen: You know what I would do if I were you, I would make my goal to be the least in shape man in the world at that point
Michael Phelps: That’s me right now.
Stephen: Really? I doubt it. I doubt it sir. The ladies backstage want me to get you to take your shirt off.
- Stephen: Who would win a fight, you or Dara Torres?
Michael Phelps: I couldn’t fight her, she’s my mom, pretty much.
Stephen: Have you seen her? She is ripped, daddy-o!
Michael Phelps: I always called her Mom because …
Stephen: I bet she loved that.
Michael Phelps: She’s a few years older then me, so …
Stephen: Women in their 40’s love being called Mom by men in their 20’s. There’s nothing they like better than that, let me tell you. You’ve made a friend for life.
Fangirl Suit Report: Charcoal gray suit, Bright white shirt with barrel cuffs, Cherrie red tie with small dotted pattern.