Episode 4157 (12/08/2008)

“I don’t want to let the cat out of the bag. That cat knows what it did and it needs to be punished. This is The Colbert Report!”

Car $54 Billion, Where Are You?: “Tonight! The auto industry gets a bailout with no–money–down!”

• Barbra Streisand kisses President Bush

The WØRD: Season of Giving

• Bailing out the “Big Three” auto companies

The President Always Rings Twice: “Then, a Republican congresswoman accidentally hangs up on Barack Obama, but not before he got her to change her long distance plan.”

• Congresswoman Ileana Ros-Lehtinen thinks Barack Obama is a prank caller

Top Geoff: “And my guest is Harlem Children’s Zone’s Geoffrey Canada. What, we couldn’t get Geoffrey America?”

• Main guest: Geoffrey Canada, CEO, Harlem Children’s Zone

THE COLBERT BUMP – YOU’RE GETTING IT:

Harlem Children’s Zone

In closing: “Well, folks, that’s it for the Report. Catch me tonight on Late Night with Conan O’Brien. Let’s see, I’ve got, ah … that gives me about a 1/2 hour to film a movie to promote. Jimmy? See if you can scare me up a shark costume, some mountain climbing gear and a fifty-gallon drum of custard. Good night!”

Video Highlight: Barry & the Stump Barack Obama and Rahm Emanuel are evidently still hosting their morning drive time radio zoo.

R.A.P.S. — Vote on your favorite segment of the show here!

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website

• Full Episode Video — 12/08/2008

• Intro — 12/08/08: The auto industry gets a bailout with no money down!
• Bush Kisses Streisand: George W. Bush kisses Barbra Streisand and she kisses him back.
• The WØRD — Season of Giving: It’s time we put aside our differences and help those car companies in need.
• Geoffrey Canada: Geoffrey Canada wants poor parents to raise smart children so they can become competitive in America.
• Stephen on Conan: Stephen has 30 minutes to film a movie to promote.

NOTABLE MOMENTS

• Welcome to The Report, everybody; we have got a great one for you tonight: Stephen Colbert is here! Always a good show when that cat shows up.
• Nation, I’m sorry to have to do this, but I saw some shocking footage over the weekend that is quite disturbing, so if there are any young children or pregnant women in the room, I suggest you either have them leave or render them unconscious. This is graphic stuff! Jimmy? [clip of Kennedy Center Honors, President Bush kisses Barbra Streisand] … Doctors should prescribe that video to Viagra patients who pass the four hour mark!
• Nation, she’s kissing him back! Streisand is the President’s sworn enemy. In the past, she has accused Bush of “Stealing the Presidency”, “Poisoning our political system” and being “An alien sent here to destroy the earth.” An alien, Ms. Streisand? You’re the one who is dressed like Mork from Ork.
• This woman is spineless! One little award, and Babs here is willing to abandon all her principles and completely reverse herself politically and philosophically. I mean, who does that? [Clip of Stephen accepting The Colbert Report's Emmy for Best Writing: "Oh, Hollywood, all is forgiven."] Now, before you judge, that wasn’t really me up there, that was my stage persona Sasha Fierce. When I’m Sasha, I can handle anything life throws at me.
• Now there’s a lot being thrown at us these days. In the month of November, folks, the U.S. lost 500,000 jobs. To put that into perspective, that’s more jobs than Sean Hannity has.
• And the news gets worse: Today, Congress sent the White House a $15 billion bailout of the Big Three automakers. They’re calling the loan an “emergency bridge”, I assume so the CEOs have something to jump off.
• Now, like a lot of Americans out there, I am angry at the auto industry, which just today admitted in a full page ad, “We violated your trust.” Yes. I, for one, trusted them not to throw away their remaining cash on full page apology ads.
• But I am still willing to let it all slide, and the reason is tonight’s WØRD. [Season of Giving]
• Folks, ever since the very first Christmas, it has been a tradition at this time of year to give away gold. But instead of Jesus, Mary and Joseph, we’re giving it to Ford, Chrysler and GM. [Immaculate Concession]
• Now, they say they need the gold to build cars that run on new alternative fuels. [Repossessed Houses?]
• Now, this blackout [sic] package has plenty of stuff I don’t believe in: automakers have to accept oversight, limited executive pay, and a California law limiting greenhouse gases. It is a small step from that to driver’s side bong-holders and transgender mudflaps! [Available On New Chrysler "Crossdresser"]
• So I know, logically, I should screaming from the rooftops about this, but I’m not. [Doesn't Want To Scare Off Santa]
• Because I remember ’tis the season to forgive. That’s why I always free the carolers that fall into my caroler pit. [Keeps Parts For "Leg Nog"]
• Now, many — many of my Republican friends disagree. [Montage of Republican talking heads doom-and-glooming over the bailout] A “Bridge loan to Nowhere?” Excuse me, Detroit is not “nowhere”! [Just Uninhabited]
• Now I, for one, believe in the free market. And if a car company can’t survive, normally, I’d say let them die. It’s not like we’re losing the banking industry. [Clip of CNN contributor analogizing losing the auto industry to losing a foot] Right, it’s just a “foot”. If we had let the banking industry fail, we would have lost our @$$holes. But there are 2.5 million jobs out there dependent on the auto industry, and it is Christmas, a time when we put aside our differences and help those in need. [Who Have Lobbyists] That, there, is a little wisdom I got from my grandmother.
• Another thing I got from my grandmother was a 1979 powder blue Ford Pinto. She sold it to me for $1. It didn’t have the greatest pickup; it went from zero to 60 … on a good day. But then again, I didn’t want to go too fast, because the brakes were a little mushy. Thank goodness the floorboards had rusted out, so in a pinch I could have jammed my feet through and stopped like Fred Flintstone. Repairs were a snap: I used to roll it up on the side of a hill and pull the emergency brake and keep it running while I crawled underneath with a hammer and a pair of pliers. I just kept touching things with the hammer and, if that stopped the constant, deafening rattle, I would take that part off with the pliers. Got quite a collection of metal on the wall of my garage! Course, one balmy, ten below day in Chicago, IL, late for work, foot of snow, it died on me; before I could get it repaired, the city tows it off to Lower Wacker Dr., and the want $200 to get it out! Well ha, ha! Joke’s on them, it wasn’t worth the G*!amned $1 I paid for it! So I let ‘em keep the car, and I hope it rots in Hell! [Along With My Chevy Nova] Which is really, really what we should let the auto companies do — someone has got to pay! But it is Christmas, so I guess that someone has got to be us. [Season of Giving] And that’s The WØRD.
• Folks, you cannot always trust what people tell you over the phone. Why do you think that Moviefone guy is so eager to tell you what time the movies are? So he can get you out of your house, then ransack the place.n I mean, who hasn’t returned home to hear this on their answering machine? “Hello! I’ve stolen your flatscreen TV! Rated R.”
• But Florida Congresswoman Ileana Ros-Lehtinen isn’t so easily fooled. Jimmy? [Clip explaining that Ros-Lehtinen hung up on Barack Obama because she thought it was a prank call. Ros-Lehtinen: "Barack Obama, calling me! I'm just another slug on the planet!"] Incidentally, “I’m just another slug on the planet” was her campaign slogan. I believe she introduced that slogan during a rally on your driveway after a rainstorm.
• Now the congresswoman didn’t think it was just some amateur prankster on the line, either, explaining to Obama as she hung up on him, “I’m sorry, but I think this is a joke from one of the South Florida radio stations known for these pranks.” I, for one, applaud the congresswoman for being on her guard. Remember during the presidential campaign Sarah Palin was tricked by pranksters pretending to be French President Nicolas Sarkozy and, later, she was fooled again when who she thought was British Prime Minister Gordon Brown turned out to actually be a dial tone.
• That’s why Congresswoman Ros-Lehtinen remained vigilant when she was called back by someone claiming to be Rahm Emanuel. [Clip of Ros-Lehtinen: "He says, 'Ileana, I'm your friend; I'm Rahm -- we work together in the House all the time.' And I said, 'Of course, yeah, we -- I get it, yeah. Okay, thanks *Rahm*. Boom!' hang up again."]
• Of course, if she said “Boom” to George Bush’s chief of staff, she’d be in a Syrian prison right now. Being hung up “Again!”
• Now, the mainstream media is having a good laugh at the congresswoman’s expense, but I think it is an outrage that, in this time of crisis, “shock jocks” Barack Obama and his nine-fingered sidekick Rahm Emanuel are evidently still hosting their morning drive time radio zoo, “Barry & the Stump”.
• You would think they would give up their Chicago-area FM prankfest once Obama got elected, but no! They’re still up with their outrageous antics, like their famous “Whip ‘em out for Troop Withdrawal” or their alternative energy “Pantymobile”.
• And of course, they’ve done their share of zany phone calls; take a listen:
• [Female voice] Hello?
• [Morning DJ voice] Hello, Senator Clinton, this is Barack Obama! How would you like to be my Secretary of State?
• “Clinton”: Oh my Gawd, I would love to!
• “DJ Obama”: Too bad, lady, you just got “Stumped” on Barry & the Stump! [old-fashioned horn sound effects, etc.] Keep it right here, comin’ up next I’m gonna announce my choice to run the National Endowment for the “F-arts”! [flatulent sound effect, closing announcement, fade to "Bang on the Drum All Day"]
• Now, don’t feel too bad; Senator Clinton did win two tickets to see Nickelback at the Verizon Center.
• So bravo, Congresswoman Ros-Lehtinen! This is one Rep. who knows how not to be taken advantage of by a morning radio team, as shown by her *actual* appearance on Miami’s 98.3 “Enrique Y Joe” show.
• *Editor’s note: My eyes! My eyes! Brain bleach, please!*
• Barack Obama may be the master of small donor campaigning but, that day, Congresswoman Ros-Lehtinen got almost $40 in singles.
• My guest tonight wants to help underprivileged kids go to college. Well if they major in English, they’ll become underprivileged adults. Please welcome Geoffrey Canada!
• You are the CEO of something called the Harlem Children’s Zone. What does the Zone do; is that like Gymboree? You drop your kids off and they play in a big pit full of balls?
• Canada: We are determined that, in this time in American history, we are going to end generational poverty. So we have carved out …
• Stephen: Wait a second, wait a second, sir. “Generational poverty” — that is something that parents give to their children. Who are you to stop a family tradition?
• Canada: We are determined that our parents are going to give their children something better than generational poverty. And we want them to give them good educations so that they can grow up to be taxpayers and help support this great country instead of costing America millions, and hundreds of millions of dollars while we lock up more children and more adults in this country than anyplace else on the face of the Earth.
• Stephen: Okay, I’ll bite. Why is it important for underprivileged children to succeed? Spin your scenario! … What is the Zone? What does it encompass?
• Canada: Well, we start with children from birth; we start with something called “Baby College”. We stay with our children straight through until we get them into college, and then we graduate them from college.
• Stephen: “Baby College” — are there Baby Frats? What is “Baby College”? What is the hazing process? What is “Baby College”, sir?
• Canada: The point — the point of “Baby College” is to make sure poor parents know the same things about brain development that wealthy parents do, so that both of our children have equal opportunities to go to great schools. So we start making sure very early on that our parents know everything about raising smart children so these kids can be competitive in America.
• Stephen: Your motto is, “Whatever it takes.” Okay? What is the difference between that and, “By any means necessary“? That sounds — “Whatever it takes” sounds threatening, sir.
• Canada: Well, our issue is not to be threatening; our issue is that we will not accept failure, under any circumstances.
• Stephen: How do you do that? How do you stop — I mean, you know, “there will be poor always”, so how do you stop that from happening? [Editor's note: Is that a Jesus Christ Superstar reference, or just the common paraphrase of Matthew 26:11?]
• Canada: Our theory is that you stop that by making sure that America has a level playing field for all of its children …
• Stephen: Oh, redistribution of wealth! Redistribution of wealt … Level the playing field. Lower the mountain, fill in the valleys; it’s all going to look like Iowa.
• Canada: This is — level playing field, so all of American children have an equal chance to be successful, and that has not happened in this country.
• Stephen: How about the rest of us who, on top of the mountain, have built a fortress and throw rocks? Throw rocks off the walls of the fortress to keep the people who are lower down in the valley from gettin’ up there and taking our — taking our success away from us?
• Canada: What we want all Americans to know is that, when my children do better, your children do better also.
• Stephen: How does that work?
• Canada: Because my children are going to end up paying taxes. My children grow up and work, they’ll be paying for *our* retirement, and we’ll someone making sure that all of us have, I think, an America that we can feel really, really happy and enthusiastic about.
• Canada: The one thing we know about our President-Elect is that we don’t have to convince him of what it really means to have an equal chance to make it in America. He has been on the streets of Chicago; he has seen what happens when children don’t get an equal chance. And I am convinced he is going to do everything possible to make sure all American children can succeed.
• Now, when you were on Oprah, you talked about how some of your kids worked with employees from Lehman Brothers to learn about the stock market. Any way we can blame this whole financial collapse on your program?
• Canada: [laughing] I think there’s no chance that you can blame poor black children for the collapse of Wall Street.
• Stephen: Watch me! Watch me! Give me 24 hours.
• Canada: But I’ll tell you something that I think I’d like to make sure that everybody understands. We’ve spent about $350 billion already trying to correct what happened on Wall Street. If the country would have invested $350 billion into the poor children of this country, we’d have something to show for it, and this would be a better country today.
• Stephen: I’ll give you this; it would have been a better investment.

Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit with white pinstripes, blue shirt with French cuffs. Dark red tie with navy and light blue diagonal stripes. WristSTRONG bracelet.