No Fact Zone

Hey, Zoners! Happy Thanksgiving! I hope everyone has a safe and restful holiday tomorrow.

The theme of this Klassic Kolbert is “A Colbert Report Special Report – Home, Hearth, Heart & Heartland: A Return to Traditional Values.” Here are a few notable quotes from this episode:

• Mr. Stephen Colbert requests the pleasure of your company on the occasion of his latest television program. This is The Colbert Report!
• We all know our American values are going right down the toilet. And not one of those modern low-flow sissy toilets, either. They’re going down the good old-fashioned pull-chain crapper. The kind you can flush a baby ‘gator down.
• The other day I was building a life sized paper machè bust of Michael Landon – I’ve done pretty much everybody on ‘Little House on the Prairie’ at this point – and as I was dipping strips of newspaper into the paste, a headline caught my eye: Free Sex Tea.
• The ‘Wear A Helmet First’ Gestapo would have you believe that playgrounds are dangerous. And they are. That’s exactly why we need them. To thin out the herd.
• First off, you don’t interrupt the President. He was about to say he was withdrawing our troops from Iraq but now, because you were rude, he’s not going to.
• By definition, someone has to be home to home school them. And while Motherhood can be very demanding, the easiest way to find time to pursue your own interests is to not have them.
• If you TiVo, watch the commercials. Otherwise, how will your children know what to desire?
• Gather your family together. Unplug your TV and your satellite radio, take the batteries out of your new-fangled smoke detector and light yourself a fire. Sit with your loved ones and, I don’t know, try to think of something to do.

Enjoy! Videos after the cut!