Sarah Palin’s getting a book deal, which means Wasilla is getting a bookstore! This is The Colbert Report!”
Baby, You Can Subsidize My Car: “Tonight, U.S. automakers face bankruptcy, which may explain those ads for the 2009 Ford Hobo.”
The Wørd: Mad Men
Will Blame For Food: “And, have we put too much faith in the free market? And just how much can I get for my Golden Calf.”
- Stephen’s Vetting Process – Cliff Sloan Pt. 2
System of a Dow: “Then my guest Michael Lewis, author of a new book “Panic! The Story of Financial Insanity.” I believe it’s the biography of Jim Cramer.
- Michael Lewis – Author, “Panic: The Story of Modern Financial Insanity”
THE COLBERT BUMP – YOU’RE GETTING IT:
Michael Lewis – Panic: The Story of Modern Financial Insanity
In closing: “Remember, if you missed any portion of tonight’s episode, I await your tearful apology. Good night!”
Stephen’s Vetting Process – Cliff Sloan Pt. 2
Stephen snorted some cocaine for charity, and his street name was Butt Classy.
NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!
More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website
- Full Episode – Wednesday, November 19, 2008
- Intro – 11/19/08: US automakers face bankruptcy, which may explain those ads for the 2009 Ford Hobo
- The Word – Mad Men: The free market and religion both have invisible hands and move in mysterious ways.
- Michael Lewis: Michael Lewis says people will eventually blame Barack Obama for the financial crisis.
- Tearful Apology: Stephen awaits your apology for missing any part of tonight’s episode.
- Things are going terribly for the auto industry. Even the girl on truck mud flaps has been forced to start temping for extra cash.
- Everybody knows, when a ship runs aground, it’s the barnacles’ fault.
- If these companies fail, it doesn’t mean they’re going to just disappear. After all, Romney failed, and he won’t go away.
- I’m sure you’re all familiar with Build-a-Bear Workshop. Well I propose a new chain of Build-a-Car Workshops. You can put together a car that reflects your personality. Here’s my prototype… You– you steer it with your balls. And that whole thing clips onto my actual car.
- Of course, President Bush has always had his own high standards for success and failure.
- You might have thought that by now, we’d be driving spike-covered motorcycles over a barren hellscape, sword-fighting over food and gas, while wearing jackets made of human skin. But– we are not.
- So there’s no reason to start regulating and turn ourselves into Europe. After all, we know what Europeans think. Just ask French President Nicolas Sarkozy, who recently said, “The idea that the markets are always right is a crazy idea.” Oh really, Nick? Crazier than naming someone Jean Valjean?
- We used to call people crazy or delusional if they thought things like CIA agents were stalking them, or FBI agents were listening to their phone calls. Now we know we shouldn’t call those people delusional. [We should call them "detainees."] In fact, according to the American Psychiatric Association, if a belief is accepted by other members of the person’s culture or subculture, it is not a delusion. Great news! That means my Princess Diana commemorative plates really are worth a fortune. [Go great with Camilla Parker Bowls.] And, it means– it means that our collective cultural belief that the unfettered free market will take care of us is also not delusional. ["Taken care of" in Mafia sense.] No. It is actually a religion. [Moneytheism.]
- You see, psychiatrists often use cultural acceptance to explain why it’s not crazy to hold certain religious beliefs– say, a virgin gave birth to God’s son. Or, it’s an abomination to eat shrimp. Or, we protect ourselves from evil by wearing magic underwear. [It's called a "condom," Stephen.] So let’s just classify belief in the free market as religion.
- That way, no one can call us crazy, and we can get all the benefits the government gives to churches. We’d no longer have to pay taxes on the money we make, as long as we face Wall Street six times a day and say our prayer. “There is no god but Alan, and more profits are his prophet.” Then, on Judgment Day, Ronald Reagan will return on a cloud of glory to take us up to money heaven. ["St. Peter, tear down this gate!"]
- Holder has to go through the arduous vetting process. So-called vetting, because if you fail, a veterinarian sends you to a farm upstate.
- Sloane: Have you ever said or done anything that would embarrass the president?
- Stephen [On tape: He's not just a secret Muslim, he's a secret time-traveling Nazi Muslim.] No, no I’ve never done anything that I didn’t think was in the best interests of the country.
- He has said that he wants some people who are going to disagree with him in his Cabinet. And I guarantee you, I will disagree with– I’m going to undermine him, that’s how much I promise to disagree with him.
- Sloane: Are you familiar with something called the Prescott Group?
- Stephen: Oh yeah, I’m a big fan of the Prescott Group.
- Sloane: Is there a financial relationship with your show?
- Stephen: Their pharmaceutical division sponsors my medical segment, Cheating Death.
- Sloane: As a spokesman, are you aware of any side effects from these drugs?
- Stephen: What? Sure… yes… no.
- Sloane: Let’s go with the yes for now…. Let me just mention some of them: dry mouth, severe weight loss, restless leg syndrome, restless arm syndrome, restless torso syndrome, massive weight gain, phantom hand syndrome, vivid dreams of self-cannibalism, late-onset albinoism, spontaneous pregnancy, dissolving intestine, vein seizures, aortal collapse, re-emergence of the umbilical cord… Do you make this clear to–
- Stephen: All of this is always made clear. Am I getting any points for being honest?
- Sloane: Have you ever used any illegal drugs?
- Stephen: I’ve never purchased any.
- Sloane: We’ve been told that your college nickname was High Snow Lord of the Blowlands. Could you explain that?
- Stephen: There’s an innocent story behind that. Me and some of my frat buddies were snorting cocaine for charity.
- Sloane: Snorting cocaine for charity?
- Stephen: But I did not inhale. I just snorted it into my nose.
- Sloane: So you snorted quite a bit of cocaine for charity?
- Stephen: I don’t remember.
- I share my life with a gun named Sweetness.
- Constitutionally, I can have a gun and do anything I want with her… as long as it’s consensual.
- Sloane: Stephen, this is a report that we’ve received, that you have been a male prostitute.
- Stephen: That was a long time ago.
- Sloane: Um, did you perform sex for pay?
- Stephen: You know, this is getting into an area… um… yes. I was a prostitute… but classy. In fact, that was my street name.
- Sloane: Butt Classy was your street name?
- Stephen: Butt Classy.
- Sloane: And you were well known under that moniker?
- Stephen: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Sloane: And was there a particular event where you stopped being a male prostitute?
- Stephen: I got hired to work at The Daily Show.
- People have to be able to differentiate between me, the real Stephen Colbert, and a character I play… named Ching Chong Ding Dong.
- Is that a suggestion? Are you suggesting that we panic? Because you’re way behind the curve on this one, if that’s the case.
- What’s the best way to make sure that something like this never happens again? By which I mean, blaming the free market.
- I’m a consumer. Where’s my– how do I get my beak wet in this little deal?
- Because It’s really Obama’s fault isn’t it at this point? It’s his baby to take care of at this point. Paulson himself said in his Congressional testimony, this is the fault of future administrations. That’s the ultimate buck-pass.
- I got a better idea, I got a simpler answer. Just move to a fear-based economy. Go off the dollar, and just go on to s***ting your pants. Think about it? Next book, maybe?
Fangirl Suit Report: Navy suit, crisp white shirt with barrel cuffs, White tie with narrow mustard striped pattern.