Episode 4150 (11/18/2008)

If you ever forget to watch my show, just try this handy mneumonic: Watch My Show! This is The Colbert Report!”

You Don’t Say: “Tonight, I tell you the one thing politicians won’t say, and the price list of what they will.”

  • Joe Lieberman Learns His Fate

The Wørd: Love Lost

Vet Offensive: “Then I’ll take a look at Barack Obama’s strict vetting process. Suddenly it *is* important who you pal around with.”

  • Stephen’s Vetting Process – Cliff Sloan Pt. 1

50 Ways to Nail a Singer: “And my guest is mucisian Paul Simon. It’s about time I added African Polyrhythms to my political opinions.”

  • Paul Simon – Singer, Author – “Lyrics 1964-2008”


Paul SimonLyrics 1964-2008

In closing: Paul Simon performs.

Video Highlight:

Stephen’s Vetting Process – Cliff Sloan Pt. 1
Cliff Sloan gets some gloves to begin Stephen’s vetting process.

R.A.P.S. – Click here to talk about the episode!

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website


  • There is good news for friend of the show and fairweather friend of the Democratic Party, Joe Lieberman.
  • The senator was so grateful, he could barely contain his enthusiasm. [insert of Lieberman with dry, hangdog expression] Just look at the joy on his… I wanna say face?
  • But congratulations Senator. In the end, your support for McCain didn’t help Joe the Plumber, but more importantly, it didn’t hurt Joe the Lieberman.
  • We’re in the middle of the greatest economic crisis since the Depression, and this time, it doesn’t seem like anyone’s willing to help us World War our way out of it. When did Europe get so lazy?
  • Folks, this year everyone talked about hope and change. But thankfully, we never took the next step to much more dangerous ideas. [Their Bastard Sons, Hange & Chope]
  • No, I am talking about peace and love. Ugh. Those words feel so dirty in my mouth. (gargles with Listerine, spits it out in a spittoon.) Look for this on eBay!
  • Very important — he was the anti-war candidate, not the peace candidate. [Although Edwards Was “Piece” Candidate]
  • In the ’60s, the words peace and love were as common as magical housewives. [photo insert: Bewitched and I Dream of Jeanie]
  • George McGovern was the Peace Candidate. And in 1972, voters gave him the peace sign. [Minus One Finger]
  • You got schooled, hippie!
  • Everybody knows that if you say anything in hippie-speak, it’s not true. For instance, “Like hey dude, the net force of an object equals its mass times its acceleration, man!” There, I completely invalidated Newton’s Second Law of Motion.
  • If you start loving your enemies, pretty soon you’re going to end up in a drum circle with Mahmoud Ahmed-kumbayah-ejad.
  • Obama’s Transition Team now faces the task of vetting Bill Clinton. That’s like trying to air out a tuxedo after a night of smoking, drinking, and rolling around with coked-up possums in a caved-in sulfur mine.
  • From Cliff Sloan field piece:
    • Stephen: What if you found out that a person you were vetting was on, say, a board with Bill Ayers? Would that disqualify the person, do you think?
      Cliff Sloan: Uhh…
      Stephen: What if I had a craaazy preacher?
    • Stephen: You are a former publisher of Slate online magazine.
      Cliff Sloan: That’s correct.
      Stephen: Will you take responsibilty for these articles from Slate? “My Other Vagina”?
      Cliff Sloan: Well — of course I should say that the editors make the editorial decisions —
      Stephen: Oh, yeah, sure. Nice dance. Do you dance professionally?
      Cliff Sloan: But I’m proud to stand by everything in Slate.
      Stephen: Really? “A Sex Toy a Day Keeps the Doctor Away.” Proudly? Proudly standing next to this one?
      Cliff Sloan: As I say, Slate covers a wide variety of subjects, and —
      Stephen: This one I like: “Is Maureen Dowd Necessary?”
      Cliff Sloan: What would you answer to that be?
      Stephen: Not really.
    • Cliff Sloan: Well, the vetting is an important process in terms of understanding your fitness and suitability for that role, but part —
      Stephen: I can bench 220.
    • Cliff Sloan: A commitment to integrity — I assume that’s a view that you share.
      Stephen: I am absolutely committed to excellence.
      Cliff Sloan: And to integrity as well?
      Stephen: If that’s part of it.
      Cliff Sloan: Is it, in your view?
      Stephen: (long pause) Yes.
      Cliff Sloan: Is your answer yes?
      Stephen: … yyyes?
    • Stephen: Vet me from hell to breakfast. Here are your gloves. Let’s get the tough part over first. (Stands up and begins to remove trousers.)
  • My guest tonight is a multi-platinum singer-songwriter who has just released a book of all his lyrics. It’s the perfect gift for people who love songs but hate music.
  • From the Paul Simon interview:
    • Stephen: Couldn’t you come up with a better title than “Lyrics”? I mean, it’s not that imaginative.
      Paul Simon: It’s got a kind of zen simplicity to it.
      Stephen: I would have gone with “Word Salad Jazzmatron!”
    • Stephen: Your music was a big part of the ’60s. Would you like to apologize for that?
    • Stephen: Do you now regret using the word “groovy” in “59th Street Bridge Song”?
      Paul Simon: Not really.
    • Stephen: If you were to write a protest song now, like about the credit crisis. Do you think you could rhyme “credit default swap”? Or “negotiable”?
      Paul Simon: Uh, sociable.
      Stephen: Ooh, that’s not bad. You ARE the master.
    • Stephen: I have a beef with some of your lyrics. Can I give ’em to you right now? What exactly was Julio doing down in the schoolyard? that got “Mama Pajama” so upset?
      Paul Simon: I would never tell anybody about that.
      Stephen: In the song “Cecilia” — it’s a shocking song. You say “making love in the afternoon with Cecilia up in my bedroom. I got up to wash my face, when I come back to bed someone’s taken my place.” First of all, I don’t need a folk song about freaky three-ways. Second of all, sir, why would you need to wash your face? Let’s keep this — okay, it’s a family show.
      Paul Simon: Well, it’s the ’60s, so I can’t remember.

Fangirl Suit Report: Charcoal gray suit, Light gray shirt with French cuffs, Late gray tie with rectangle tone-on-tone pattern.

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