Hey, Single Malt Scotch! You’re 30 years old. When are you going to settle down and get married – to my stomach? This is The Colbert Report!”
Father, Son, Solar Ghost: “Tonight! The Vatican goes green. They’re going to start selling carbon indulgences.”
- An Afro-Homo-geddon in the making.
- Tip of the Hat / Wag of the Finger
- Wag: The Vatican
- Wag: British Author Julian Norridge
- Tip: Marvel Comics
- Wag: Marvel Comics
Owner’s Emanuel: “Then, President Elect Obama names Rahm Emanuel his Chief of Staff. Meanwhile, John McCain names Mrs. Butterworth his Chief of Pancakes.”
- Stephen makes Rahm Emanuel a offer he can’t refuse for a place in Obama’s White House.
Moore’s the Pity: “Plus, my guest is champion of economic conservatism, Steve Moore. He’ll tell me what he thinks and the ideas will trickle down to you.”
- Interview with Steve Moore – co-author ‘The End of Prosperity’
THE COLBERT BUMP – YOU’RE GETTING IT:
In closing: “I have to admit that I am still mad about loosing the Marvel Universe election to Barack Obama. So, during the break I did some recreational googling: I put in ‘Spiderman,’ ‘Barack Obama,’ and ‘how can you tell if a zoo monkey is in love with you’. I saw some very upsetting video that didn’t answer any of my questions. And then I saw this: a list of 50 facts you may not know about Barack Obama. And guess what. Our future President collects Spiderman and Coanan the Barbarian comics. That’s right! We have just elected a man who has know associations with a Barbarian. It turns out Barack Obama is not a secret Muslim. He’s something much worse – a secret nerd. And then it occurred to me – this collectors edition of Amazing Spiderman 573 must be pretty valuable to a collector, especially if it’s signed by the man on the cover. [autographs the cover]
You know what would make it even more collectable? If cover artist and Marel Editor in Chief Joe Quesada signed it too. Joe, would you sign this for me, please? [Joe comes out and signs the cover]
Hey, Joe, you know what would be great? If we could have Spiderman sign this too. [Joe starts to protest] Just let me have this thing!
Joe: Fine. I’ll talk to Spiderman.
Now, what am I going to do with this thing? I guess I’ll have to leave it on my bookshelf as Spiderman Collector bait. President Elect Obama – this priceless, unique, one-of-a-kind issue could be yours, if you come on my show. If you don’t, all you’ll get is leadership of the free world. Ball’s in your court, Sir. Good night.”
Tip/Wag – Marvel Comics
Stephen locks up the coveted demos of invisible women and elastic dads in the Marvel Universe.
NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!
More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website
- Intro – 11/13/08: The Vatican goes green — they’re going to start selling carbon indulgences.
- Imaginary Gay/Black Warfare: The senseless and escalating imaginary war between blacks and gays is tearing our great nation apart.
- Rahm Emanuel’s Finger: Rahm Emanuel may have the ear of the most powerful man on Earth, but Stephen has his finger.
- Stephen Moore: Stephen Moore says Barack Obama is going to bring the economy to a crawl because of his taxes.
- Obama Spider-Man Comic Bribe: Stephen leaves Amazing Spider-Man #573 on his bookshelf for Barack Obama to come and get.
- Nation, there is more tragic violence tonight. The rioting continues, the battle rages on. You know what I’m talking about – the senseless and escalating imaginary warfare between Blacks and Gays. It is tearing our great nation apart… or at least, our great cable newsmen. [Clips of O'Reilly]
- Clip of Fox news announcer: Black voters say no to California’s Same Sex Marriage. Will it spark a culture war with Gay millatants?
- Stephen: It will if I have anything to say about it!
- So sad. This heartbreaking but unavoidable [fingers crossed] clash started with the Passage or Proposition 8 which banned same sex marriage in California. According to an exit poll, 70% of African-American’s voted for the ban. And that is the only reason it passed. Now sure, the Church of Jesus Christ of Laterday Saints spent over $20-million supporting the Gay marriage ban but, you know folks, I don’t see race so I can only assume that Mormons are Black.
- [To picture of Mitt Romney] Right on, Brother!
- The important thing is, it’s Blacks versus Gays – Afro-Homo-geddon! The Gay-Black-alypse. Graphics, get on that.
- Let’s make this happen, folks! If you need some inspiration, Black community, consider this: doesn’t it make you a little bit mad that the Gay community stole disco from you?
- Hey, Gay community! How can you forgive the Black community for stealing disco from you?
- Hey! Black guy and Gay guy in my audience! Settle down! I can see that you are furious, but no violence until you’re on camera.
- Blacks and Hipsters join forces against the Gays. Will it spark a culture war? Who gets to claim Little Richard? More on this turmoil as I make it up.
- I’m not here just to incite conflict in others – I have my own inner conflict to resolve: whether to give out a Tip of My Hat or the Wag of my Finger!
- A very respectful wag of my finger at Pope Benedict XVI [crosses himself and then wags finger] for going green!
- Your Popiness, don’t stop poluting! How will we know when a new Pope is selected if you start reducing emissions on the New Pope Chimney Smoke? What are you going to do instead? Have a spokesman come out and say “hey, we have a new Pope”? That’s crazy.
- Like tha Native Americans with the buffalo, we Catholics use every part of The Jesus but God does not care about the environment. Remember, God’s favorite mode of communication was a forest fire.
- So, your Holiness, when you look back on the journey of your life and see your carbon footprint on the beach, look closer. You’ll see a second set of carbon footprints. It was Jesus, walking beside you the whole time, reving his gas-powered leaf blower.
- A wag of my finger to British author Julian Norridge who claims that Baseball originated in Britain just because the word Baseball first appeared in the Jane Austin novel ‘Northanger Abbey’ 40 years before the sport was played here.
- Austin wasn’t writing about American baseball – it was a Jane Austin version, where the ball is not hurled about rudely, but introduced to the bat through proper channels and society functions. And one does not steal bases like a commoner. One sends word ahead to the next base by messager requesting permission to approach at the bases leasure. Of course, what the bat cannot reveal is that, though he loves the ball despirately, he has sworn an oath of loyalty to the glove to whom the ball was promised. So the bat must pretend he hates the ball, swatting at it, though he wishes nothing more than to profess his undying affection. But he can’t. He mustn’t. He shan’t! And so, the bat must retreat to the gardens of his estate and… pine.
- The point is, Jane Austin, stay away from Baseball! Stick to what you’re good at – making your readers believe some debonair stranger will ride his horse through the rain, over your father’s fields. [Stephen looking out a window with rain] Oh, where are you Mr. Darcy? Keep your promise!
- Finally, a tip of my hat to Marvel Comics. As you recall, last year I ran for President in South Carolina and even though the real universe kept me off the ballot, in the Marvel Universe I remained a viable national 3rd party candidate.
- In the Marvel Universe, I locked up the coveted demos of Invisible Women and Elastic Dads though I might have lost some Independent votes for my stance against Same Thing marriage.
- It pains me to have to wag my finger at Marvel Comics for having me actually loose the Marvel Universe election. It turns out Bugle publisher J. Jonas Jameson went to print too early. I won the popular vote, but Obama got more electoral votes.
- When asked why I lost, one Marvel campaign strategist said “it was Florida.”
- Do you really think those elderly Jews in Broward County intended to vote for Thor? I would have fixed this economy with my Treasury Secretary billionaire industrialist Tony Stark. I would have stopped illegal Skralls from streaming across our space boarders. And I would have arrested the Silver Surfer for public indecency. This isn’t the planet Zenn-La, Surfer. Put on some silver pants!
- I even would have reached across the aisle to DC comics. After all, I have a close personal relationship to Superman. Though, we’ve never been seen together. I wonder why.
- Last week Barack Obama made the first appointment of his new administration, naming radical, left wing attack dog Rahm Emanuel the new white House Chief of Staff.
- Emanuel – you may have the ear of the most powerful man on Earth, but I got your finger!
- I am offering you a way to be reunited with little Rahm Jr. here. Give me a Cabinate position!
- Barack Obama claims he wants to include people who disagree with him. Well, you’ll be hard pressed to find someone who disagrees with him more. I will take anything – Secretary of Defense, Secretary of the Interior, White House Dog. I’ve got all my shots and I am mostly house broken. If you lay out the New York Times I promise you, I will be on it.
- Full disclosure – this isn’t really your finger. I cut a little hole at the bottom of this box and filled it with some cotton and stained it with some fake blood. It’s very convincing and I’m sorry if I scared you. OK. But this finger could be yours. I am willing to cut it off and give it to you to be in the Cabinet.
- Trust me – this is a good middle finger. I still use it all the time.
- It does not matter if the Economy crumbles, you and I have a theory to protect. We’ve written papers about it.
- Where’s my taste of those Trillions?
- The New Deal was a disaster! All it did was build roads, establish National Parks, and create power generating dams. We don’t need any of those things.
- That’s why I’m for creating World War III. We create a massive world-wide war, Jesus comes back on a cloud of glory, and it makes the whole damn thing moot.
- Who doesn’t love Sarah Palin?
- Say Ronald Reagan anyway. It’s like Tinkerbell.
- The nice thing about Rush [Limbaugh] is that he’s such a unifying figure – everyone feels the same way about him.
- Say something to unify this Nation and give them hope – and start with the words ‘Corporate Tax Cut.” People respond to that on a visceral level.
Fangirl Suit Report: Black window pane suit; Pearl shirt with French cuffs; Burgandy, white and black regimental striped tie.