Episode 4146 (11/11/2008)

What’s the sound of one Me talking? This is The Colbert Report!”

Wedding Banned: “Tonight, California bans gay marriage. Next up: Iowa bans corn”

  • The Obamas Meet the Bushes
  • Proposition 8 Protests

Desk guest: Dan Savage – Sex columnist

Double-O Stephen: “Then, Part 2 of my journey into the underground world of spy gadgets. They gave me a cool pen that shoots ink onto paper.”

  • Fallback Position – Peter Earnest Pt. 2

Here Comes The Sun: “Plus, my guest is Kevin Johnson, former NBA star and newly elected mayor of Sacramento. He better do a good job or they will trade his @ss to Fresno.”

  • Kevin Johnson – Mayor of Sacramento

In closing: “Before we go, I want to do what I can to quell the violence breaking out between gay people and black people. Guys, remember, you have so much in common. You both talk about pride a lot, and neiter of you want to claim Michael Jackson.”

Video Highlight:

Proposition 8 Protests – Dan Savage
Dan Savage explains that those who voted for Proposition 8 most overwhelmingly were old people.

R.A.P.S. – Click here to talk about the episode!

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website


  • [cheering]It is so tempting not to cut that off (as the rabbi said.)
  • I am giddy, I am giddy is what I am because I had such a lovely day off yesterday which was ruined by Barack Obama.
  • Yesterday the Obamas visited with President Bu-oosh, Boosh [mispronunciation], yes they visited with President Bush at their future residence, the White House. Hey, for the record, a real candidate of change would move into the Air and Space Museum. How fun would that be?
  • I didn’t like how Obama got all handsy with the President. You don’t see President Bush invading people’s personal space. Unless they have oil.
  • Now of course Joe Biden still hasn’t met with Dick Cheney. I don’t get it. Why wouldn’t Biden have the common courtesy to go to a secret location and meet with a guy who’s known for shooting old men in the face?
  • Boosh. Boosh. Boosh. They’s how they say his name in Europe. I like-a the Boosh.
  • Meanwhile, the California gay-stapo spent Sunday protesting the passing of Proposition 8, a constitutional amendment which bans gay marriage. One of the biggest protests took place at Pastor Rick Warren’s Saddleback Church. Now Warren has been one of the loudest opponents of gay marriage, which is very brave, considering “saddleback” is gay code for something I cannot say without incurring significant fines. I will only say it does not involve an actual saddle.
  • But protesting Rick Warren doesn’t make sense. Just ask Papa Bear: “Here is really the crux of this issues ladies and gentlemen watching tonight. Why were they outside Warren’s church. It was the black vote that voted down gay marriage. Why weren’t they outside the black church?” Yes, there wasn’t one protester outside of the First National Church of Black. All Pastor Warren did was endorse the ban to tens of thousands of his church members. We call know who voted for the ban: “African Americans who turned out in much larger numbers than in 04 voted in favor of Prop 8 by a 7 in 10 margin.” “The big turnout of black voters helped push it over the top.” “Blacks against it by more than 2 to 1.”
  • Gays should protest black people. The new conflict is gays versus blacks, and blacks versus gays, and black gays versus themselves. It’s going to be great! I’ve been saying for years these PC groups would turn on each other, although I had my heart set on Eskimos verses the handicapped.
  • From now on, if a gay person wants to get hitched, they will do it the way God wants: to lLza Minelli.
  • Of course, now that Prop 8 has passed, a lot of people wonder what’s going to happen to the 18 thousand gay couples who got gay married in California when it was still gay-legal. Well, here to help us sort it all out is advice columnist and Colbert Report national spokes-gay, Dan Savage
  • From the Dan Savage interview:
    • Stephen:Before we get started, friend of the show, thanks for coming back. How mad are you at black people? You must be furious. They got their African-American President and they said “Hey, let’s have somebody else be persecuted for a while!” Black man’s keeping you down.
    • Dan Savage: A few black men have kept me down in the past, but I don’t feel like we can pin this all on the African-American community.
    • Stephen: I just did, I just pinned it on the whole, me and Papa Bear.
    • Savage: A disproportionate number of African Americans voted for Prop 8 compared to other racial minorities, but if you look at all the polling data, the people who voted for it most overwhelmingly was old people. There is some overlap between the old community and the African American community.
    • Stephen: There are old black people.
    • Savage: That’s true. It was good to hear you acknowledge that there are black gay people, because the way this is being debated, it’s as though there are no African American homosexuals, and there are. The people who are partly oppressed by this decision in California, Florida, Arkansas, and Arizona, which all passed anti-gay measures last Tuesday, are gays and lesbians of color. But old people are the real villians in the piece and they’re dying, which is some comfort.
    • Stephen: You just made a whole lot of friends is what you just did. Is that what gay people are like? Vicious?
    • Savage: Yes, it is, actually. It’s sort of like ‘Gay Survivor.’ We’re going to out outlive, outlast, and outsmart the bigots.
    • Stephen: Wow, well good luck with that. What you cannot fight, sir, is that it is the will of the people that gay people not get married. The people have voted: no gay marriage for you. Especially Mormons, who gave like 25 million dollars to the effort to ban gay marriage in California.
    • Savage: One of four dollars spent in California backing the anti-gay marriage was spent by Mormons.
    • Stephen: Because if they can’t have multiple spouses, you can’t one, sir. Fair is fair.
    • Savage: but you know, there are a lot of fundamentalist Mormons out there who have multiple wives, and they have spare sons, and somebody’s got to soak those extra Mormon boys up. So why not some polygamist homosexuals? [Stephen: How many reasons you want?] We should put that on the table.
    • Stephen: Soaking up, is that code for something
    • Savage: Soaking up is what you do immediately after saddlebacking. I have to call your bluff on this, I saw an ad in the New York Times that said you deliver more young men in late night than anybody else, which sounds pretty gay. And you didn’t deliver any to my hotel last night.
    • Stephen: It does sound gay, because I am not anti-gay. You’re gay and you’re here. I am just anti-gay marriage. You can be pro-gay. Get as gay as you want!
    • Savage: Right now, right here?
    • Stephen: Get as gay as you want, OK? It’s cable. Don’t get gay married, because that undermines my very not-gay marriage.
    • Savage: What America is coming around to is that you can’t be pro-gay and anti-gay marriage. You can’t be pro-gay and anti-the enfranchisement of gay and lesbian citizens.
    • Stephen: It’s a franchise now, there’s a profit? Speaking of profit, if I gave a present to somebody who got married when it was legal in California, and they’re a gay couple, do I get a refund on that present?
    • Savage: Only if we gay people get a refund on all the gifts we bought for straight people who got divorced after their weddings.
    • Stephen: Alright we’ll see how that works out. Dan Savage, thank you so much for joining us sir.
  • Nation, you know my job, ‘pundit,’ is one of the most secure jobs you can have. Chris Matthews once put a potato in a blond wig at his desk for a week and no one noticed. But in these tough economic times, all bets are off. So last week I sat down with ex-undercover agent Peter Earnest at the International Spy Museum in Washington DC to learn the covert arts. This is Stephen Colbert’s Fallback position: Spy.
  • [Previously on Fallback Position]
  • Voiceover: Now it was time for me to learn how to become a spy.
    • Stephen: What do I have to do to become a spy?
    • Peter Earnest: Number one: assume nothing. Am I who I say I am?
    • Stephen: I don’t know, nor, do I care.
    • Earnest: Be prepared to take risks, such as breaking into a place you shouldn’t be.
    • Stephen: OK.
    • Earnest: And, finally, you need to carry out a covert action, a covert mission.
    • Earnest: What you have here, Stephen, is a tie. Just imagine yourself wearing the tie. Underneath your shirt is strapped a camera.
    • Stephen: And you strap that camera on your chest to hide your ugly tie?
    • Earnest: No, no. Think of it as reversed. In other words, the straps and your camera is underneath your shirt.
    • Stephen: Holding your tie down.
    • Earnest: No, the tie is over the shirt, and what you’ve got is a camera concealed behind the tie.
    • Stephen: Then it’s taking photographs of your tie.
    • Earnest: No, what you do is you have a little hole in your tie and can take a picture
    • Stephen: Of someone else’s tie.
    • Earnest: No.
    • Stephen: What’s this item up here? It looks like a firecracker.
    • Earnest: This is a rectal toolkit.
    • Stephen: Come again?
    • Earnest: OK, you see those little tools here? Knives, screwdrivers? All of those fit into the little kit there that closes, and it can be concealed in the rectum.
    • Stephen: The whole kit and caboodle goes where the sun don’t shine.
    • Earnest: You’re absolutely correct, yes.
    • Stephen: OK, and you try to capture me, and you go “Sure, search me anywhere, just not my butt.”
    • Earnest: That’s right, there you go.
    • Earnest: There are tunnels that were used by the Vietcong, North Vietnamese, during the Vietnam war.
    • Stephen: Now, I hope you can take criticism, because I know that the Vietnamese are considered a small people, but this is an almost racist depiction of how small they would be.
    • Earnest: It’s like looking at an ant farm, I realize that.
    • Stephen: OK, that’s even more racist. You understand where I was coming from?
    • Earnest: I do.
    • Stephen: People, in a bigoted way, say that Asians are small, and then you just called them ants, and I was offended, but I understand what this is, this is an ant farm.
    • Earnest: Look at this. It was made to look like a dictionary, so it’s a concealment device.
    • Stephen:OK. And that entire thing goes up your butt.
    • Earnest:No.
    • Stephen: What you do have here Pete?
    • Earnest: It is a pipe gun.
    • Stephen: You could go up to like a high value target, and you could smoke near them for 20 years, and fill them with second-hand smoke.
    • Earnest: OK. You should do that, that’s one way.
    • Stephen:No one would see that coming.
    • Earnest:Yeah, 20 years, they wouldn’t know till right toward the end.
    • Stephen: That is true still
    • Earnest: Now what you have here is a rectal concealment device for a cyanide capsule. It’s another rectal concealment device.
    • Stephen: Yes, yes, I’m aware of that. There’s a little bit more rectal activity here than I’m comfortable with. Is there no other place to hide things on your body?
    • Earnest: Well, think about it.
    • Stephen: I’m thinking about it right now. Let’s move on.
    • Earnest: This, Stephen, right here, is a fly-button compass.
    • Stephen:I got to say, if you have to use a compass to find your fly, it’s probably time to pack it in for the night, because I think both people are going be pretty disappointed if you’re that hammered.
    • Stephen: And this long claspy sort of rod there, that is for removing the rectal toolkit?
    • Voiceover: I had learned the basics, but to complete my training, I first had to complete a risky covert missions
    • Stephen: Thank you so much for talking to me today Peter.
    • Earnest: It was great having you here Stephen, bye.
    • Earnest voiceover: take risks, such as breaking into a place you shouldn’t be. carry out a covert mission.
    • [Stephen breaks into Peter Earnest’s office, steals his medal, but is caught by Earnest on the sidewalk outside.]
  • My guest used to be in the NBA and is now Mayor-elect of Sacramento. I assume that means Bloomberg is getting drafted by the Knicks. Please welcome Kevin Johnson!
  • From the Mayor-elect Kevin Johnson interview:
    • Stephen: Welcome! Thank you so much. I almost set a pick on you out there. (I don’t actually know what that means.) Welcome, thank you so much for coming on, Mr Mayor-Elect. Now, you are the…
    • Kevin Johnson: First African-American mayor
    • Stephen: Of Sacramento, California. Are you this much pissed at Barack Obama? He totally stole your thunder, man.
    • Johnson: Two things: one, I think what’s happening in Sacramento’s unique. We’re modeling and nearing what’s happening nationally, number one. And number two, when I played in the NBA, they called me Pocket Magic because of Magic Johnson, so now they’re calling me Little Barack, so I’m OK with that.
    • Stephen: Wow, that’s not too shabby, little Barack. Let me ask you something. Now first of all, it took a lot of courage as an African-American to come here tonight, because as you know Dan Savage is backstage, and is ready to just punch the first black guy he sees. You know that black people and gay people are fighting in California now, right? They’re brawling in the streets.
    • Johnson: We mixed it up in the hallway before we came out here.
    • Stephen: Did you really? Did he throw and elbow?
    • Johnson: I told him I opposed Proposition 8 and he said OK, he was good with me.
    • Stephen: Oh wow. Now, you won the mayoral race, you were selected as one of the 15 Greatest Men on Earth by McCall’s Magazine. You received the NBA J. Walter Kennedy citizenship award, the Most Caring American award by the Caring Institute, and were inducted into the World Sports Humanitarian Hall of Fame. Does it hurt that you never got that championship ring? Does that sting, man?
    • Johnson: That hurts a little bit. When I got the acknowledgment of being one of the 15 Greatest Men on Earth by McCall, I was trying to what the criteria was, and they said it was just some online poll, and my mom and grandma just kept hitting the button, so they were just trying to make me feel a little bit better
    • Stephen: Yeah, I got some of those too. I’ve won a few of those polls myself. Why did you go into politics following sports? You could have been a commentator. That’s a very rich life.
    • Johnson: I felt that I wanted to get back to Sacramento. I’m a third generation Sacramentan.
    • Stephen: Is that what you call them? Sacramentans? I thought it was Sacramentos.
    • Johnson: Sacramentans. [Stephen, Johnson repeat]. Third generation Sacramentan, and I just felt that the leadership in the city could be better. Our crime rate was too high, our schools weren’t performing well, unemployment was very high, and I thought I could do better, and my grandfather used to always tell me “don’t stand on the sidelines and complain, have enough courage to throw your hat in the ring” and I ran for mayor and I got elected.
    • Stephen: The first thing you did when you went back there was you started a new school called St. Hope. Why start a new school?
    • Johnson: Because public schools around our country, unfortunately, are not serving our kids well. The drop-out rate for the United States is very high. Only 70% of kids graduate from high school and if you’re African-American only 50% graduate, so our public schools have to do better. So we started charter schools in Sacramento, we have one here in New York City as well, and we’re proving that kids in any neighborhood can perform as well as their counterparts, regardless of the zip code, if they’re given a quality education.
    • Stephen: What can you do as mayor, what will you promise right now do to, to make Sacramento less unbelievably boring?
    • Johnson: The fact that I’m on your show right now is bringing visibility to our community.
    • Stephen: Sacramento, you just got The Colbert Bump. I’m sorry, every time I say the word Sacramento, I sort of black out.
    • Johnson: You’ve got to come and visit Sacramento. [Stephen: Oh, I’ve been to Sacramento] Let me give you a guide of Sacramento so I can show you the best that our city has to offer.
    • Stephen: You said yourself that you can’t buy a sandwich in Sacramento after 10 o’clock at night.
    • Johnson: That was my teammates that said that, in the NBA.
    • Stephen: You didn’t say that?
    • Johnson: I didn’t say that.
    • Stephen: Oh wow, you’re running away from your record.
    • Johnson: No, that’s not my record.
    • Stephen: Well, Mr Mayor-elect, thanks for joining us. I hope you win the championship in Sacramento. Mayor-elect Kevin Johnson of Sacramento, California. Baby Barack!

Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit, Crisp white shirt with barrel cuffs. Navy tie with bold red striped pattern.

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