Episode 4142 (11/03/2008)

“You’re watching the best political team on my show. This is The Colbert Report!”

Which Way the Win Blows: “Tonight! Who are the real winners in this election? Don’t ask me. Ask Joe the Plumber’s agent.”

  • 2008 Election: Winners and Losers
  • Desk Guest: Charlie Cook

Johnny Rebel: “Plus, what does it take to be a maverick? I say it’s 10% inspiration, 90% voting with George Bush.”

  • How to Be A Maverick

Sullivan’s Drivels: “Then, my guest Andrew Sullivan says conservatives should support Obama. Well, McCain’s campaign managers certainly have done their part.”

In closing: “Folks. As you know tomorrow is the election – unless you’re a democrat, in which it’s two days from now. Both campaigns have worked hard to make their case, but now it’s all in God’s hand. So, it’s time to get my prayer on. First, I gotta put on my lucky praying hat. Okay, alright. I got my chips ready to go (pulls out chips), and my (pulls out incense holder and opens it with guacamole)dip. (Eats some nachos)Thou shalt not eat just one. And of course, my lucky prayer hands. Whoo! Jesus #1! Jimmy, hit it. (Music starts, he dances, then begins to pray) Dear Lord, voting is the most precious, personal freedom we have. So, please make people choose the candidate I want. Oh, and please keep an open mind about that pop tart tree. Amen. Colbert out! Whoo! Folks – I have spent almost two years now telling you what you think. Now, Go vote! Good night, America.”

Video Highlight: How to be a Maverick Not everyone is born a maverick, but luckily it’s a skill you can learn.

R.A.P.S. – Click here to talk about the episode!

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website

  • Intro – 11/03/08: Who are the real winners in this election? Don’t ask Stephen, ask Joe the Plumber’s agent.
  • 2008 Campaign Winners and Losers: If the issue can’t be boiled down to three syllables, it isn’t worth screaming.
  • Charlie Cook: Charlie Cook explains voters want to follow the election, and polls are how you keep score.
  • Andrew Sullivan: Andrew Sullivan supports Barack Obama because John McCain isn’t serious about winning the war on terror.
  • Election Eve Prayer: Voting is the most precious personal freedom we have, so please make people choose the candidate Stephen wants.


  • Pardon my groin earlier. I was just strecthing out the old hammies. Gonna be a big couple of days coming up.
  • Folks, it is election eve. And as always tonight I am leaving out a plate of macaroni salad and Tums for John McCain, who will visit every house and leave good girls and boys pamphlets linking Barack Obama to Bill Ayers.
  • The first big winner of the 2008 campaign – mindless chants.
  • If the issue couldn’t be boiled down to three syllables, it wasn’t worth screaming.
  • Our next president should follow this lead – if it’s got three syllables, it’s an issue worth dealing with. Foreclosed homes, off shore oil, bartlett pears!
  • A very big loser – the letter “G”. The most elitest member of the alphabet, appearing in such hoity-toity words as Guggenheim and gaucho pants. Luckily, in 2008, “g” got what was comin’ to it. Jimmy, *video rolls with candidates droppin’ their g’s*.
  • The only letter candidates used less often than “g” was “W.”
  • I call on the next president to send all remainin’ “G’s” to Guantanamo Bay. I’m, sorry… uantanamo Bay.
  • Clearly, Sesame Street had the most balanced election coverage. Their lead anchor really gave equal time to “left” and “right”.
  • Now here to give numbers one last moment in the sun is the founder and cheif editor of The Cook Political Report, please welcome Charlie Cook.
    • Stephen: Now, alright. Let’s get right to it. Numbers, sell me. Why should I care about ’em?
    • Cook: Because that’s how you keep score.
    • Stephen: Like with polls? Nobody cares about polls, and every poll shows it…
    • Stephen: So who do you think will win tomorrow?
    • Cook: Oh, I think Obama’s gonna win by a very healthy margin.*audinece cheers*
    • Stephen: Now, again. I mean, first of all, that says to me that you are biased, okay? People say you are a neutral agent here, but you’re biased because you just said Obama’s gonna win tomorrow. And so, you put that into everybody’s mind.
    • Cook: When people ask you, you got to tell them something. You got to give them an answer.
    • Stephen: You don’t have to tell them the truth. Keep it fair and balanced…
    • Stephen: Haven’t the Democrats registered more people than the Republicans to vote? How is that fair and balanced? Shouldn’t it be illegal for one side to have more voters than the other side?
  • Welcome back, everybody. Nation, John McCain and Sarah Palin are going to win this election. Why? Because they are mavericks.
  • In fact, Palin is such a maverick, some pundits say she is trying to set herself up for a run for president in 2012. But I say, she is a maverick, so if she is running for president at all, she is running in 2010.
  • Now, not everyone is born a maverick, but luckily, it is a skill you can learn. That’s what I did back in grade school thanks to an educational film from the Prescott Group
    • The word maverick comes from a 19th century Texas cattle-baron, who out of concerns for animal cruelty, refused to brand his steer. Instead, he just slaughtered and ate them.
    • Just follow these simple rules.
    • Rule #1: Don’t follow the rules.
    • Rule #2: There are no rules.
    • And finally, rule #1. Actions speak louder than words unless those words are “I’m a maverick!”
    • So what you’re saying is, all I have to do is say I am a maverick and I am one?
    • Exactly. The more times you say it, the truer it becomes.
    • Here’s an easy pneumonic to help you remember how to be a maverick. Be an Assertive, Strong, Surprising, Honorable, Opinionated, Leader, nErd!
    • Well, that’s all the time we have. Our film is over, but because I’m a maverick, I’m going to yodel for 17 minutes while showing footage of an elephant being born and there’s nothing you can do about it.
  • Welcome back one and all to our election eve coverage of Indecision 2008. My guest tonight is a conservative blogger who is supporting Barack Obama because evidently tomorrow is opposite day. Please welcome Andrew Sullivan.
    • Stephen: What is the deal with all you conservatives coming out and saying people should vote for Barack Obama? Isn’t that like, The Economist came out for Barack Obama. Cat Fancy does not endorse Marmaduke.
    • Sullivan: Well, I think people are beginning to figure out that what we’ve had the last 8 years has not really been conservative.
    • Stephen: If that’s not conservative, what is?
    • Sullivan: I think adding 5 trillion dollars to the national debt, invading countries without good reason, and adding 32 trillion to the debt the next generation is gonna have to pay is not conservative.
    • Stephen: Wouldn’t it be conservative now to keep everything the same. The Republicans are in office, keep Repubicans in office, conserve Repubican control over the executive branch.
    • Sullivan: Well, conservatives believe in balance, in checks and balances, in correcting mistakes. When you look at Obama you see a very conservative person.
    • Stephen: A conservative socialist, did you mean to say?
    • Sullivan: Tempermentally, I would say. I want to bring calm, reason, and prudence back to the American government.
    • Stephen: Then just put McCain in office and load him up with some Xanax, you’ll be fine.
    • Sullivan: There is not enough Xanax on the east coast, Stephen, to calm that guy down…
    • Stephen: Are you going to yell at me for the entire interview?…
    • Stephen: The difference between you and me is that you know, you can’t believe it. Okay, that we’ve gotten to point and still haven’t gotten bin Laden. I am willing to believe we have just to get McCain into office…
    • Stephen: I mean, by the way, that puts me on another thing here. You can’t even vote, man. You’re from England, ya limey b*$tard. You’re coming over here and telling us how we should vote. They don’t even have plumbers over there. They have loo-mechanics…
    • Sullivan: I used to believe that John McCain was a sincere and good person who wanted to win this war, but as soon as he picked Sarah Palin to be his vice president, I realized he’s not serious about winning this war.
    • Stephen: But that was appealing to the base. *audience cheers* You see how they love her? Now, that was appealing to the base. He couldn’t have gotten any baser than her…
    • Stephen: There is no fry station in the White House! It’s not as complicated on certain days…
    • Stephen: Who do you think is going to win tomorrow?
    • Sullivan: I just don’t know, Stephen.
    • Stephen: You don’t know? Then let’s say John McCain, John McCain wins tomorrow. John McCain WILL WIN tomorrow. I got some balls. Come on. Put ’em on the felt, Sullivan. All in, ball in.
    • Sullivan: I think the American people are going to win tomorrow.
    • Stephen: Andrew, I’m not running any more.

    Fangirl Suit Report: Pinstripe suit, cream-colored shirt with french cuffs. Navy blue and yellow stripe tie, WristSTRONG bracelet.

If you're new to our Zoner community, please read the No Fact Zone Comment Policy before commenting. Thank you!