Hey, kids, if you need a last-minute costume idea, you can always go door-to-door as a McCain campaigner. This is The Colbert Report!”
Must Concede TV: “Tonight, Barack Obama gets a half an hour on TV. Big deal! I’ve done 470 of these things! Where’s my presidency?!”
- Obama infomercial
- Tip of the hat/Wag of the finger
- Wag: Apple computers, who donated $100,000 to battle Proposition 8.
- Wag: Switzerland
- Wag: Barack Obama, for mixing up ‘Sanford and Son’ and ‘The Jeffersons’
Electoral Sensory Perception: “Then I predict the winner of the election. Bob Barr, you might want to switch over to Letterman.”
- The DaColbert Code
I Am Trying To Break Your Balls: “And rock band Wilco is here. Real fans will listen to the interview on vinyl.”
- Jeff Tweedy – Lead vocalist, Wilco
In closing: Wilco performs “Wilco the Song” – A ‘Colbert Report’ exclusive!
Exclusive Wilco Song
Wilco performs “Wilco the Song,” an exclusive Colbert Report world premiere.
NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!
More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website
- Full Episode Video – Thursday October 30, 2008
- Intro – 10/30/08: Barack Obama gets a half hour on TV. Big deal, Stephen’s done 470 of these things. Where’s his presidency?
- Obama Infomercial: It’s the premiere of a wonderful new series starring Barack Obama and a cast of plucky unknowns.
- Tip/Wag – Apple Computers: The last thing Stephen needs on his iPhone is an application called iGay.
- The DaColbert Code – The Election: Stephen doesn’t believe in polls, so he predicts the election using The DaColbert Code
- Wilco Interview: Stephen’s heart stops when he tries to match Jeff Tweedy’s low-key energy.
- I’ve been so disappointed in the new Fall TV shows. There’s not a single sitcom about a working man from South Carolina who makes it big as a TV news pundit while secretly hiding a furry, wisecracking alien who eats cats.
- It’s a new genre called “Hope” Opera and it can’t fail – they cast the world’s biggest celebrity.
- Wow, thank God that was just television. If those people’s story were real, we would need major change in this country.
- Of course, there is one thing I find troubling. Obama’s individual performance in this show means that he will be eligible to win *MY* Emmy! I’ve already been robbed three times … MANILOOOOW! BENNETT!!! RICKLES!!! OBAMA!!!!
- He is going to redistribute my Emmy!
- That’s right, Apple is pro-Gay marriage. So if you own an iPod Touch, you better be thinking about what it’s been touching.
- Apple, keep your moral views to yourselves when they disagree with mine.
- I don’t want to see TV ads go from this [Justin Long as Mac, John Hodgman as PC] to this [Justin Long as Gay Groom, John Hodgman as Gay Bride]
- The last thing I need on my iPhone is an application called iGay that offers one-touch sexual reorientation, then uses the GPS to point you to the nearest Gay wedding chapel.
- Okay, that hurt, but I have to live my principles. [undestroyed iPhone starts ringing] Can I call you back?
- Well, I’ve got a rational reason for decapitating wildflowers. They were blocking my view of the dirt.
- Shame on you, Switzerland! Plants do not have dignity. If they did, Hibiscus would put some damn pants on. Come on, no one needs to see your stamen!
- I’m sorry, but I am not building a separate restroom for my stapler!
- Excuse me, Senator? I’m comin’ *Weezy*? Fact check, Jimmy, give me some Sanford & Son [“Hear that Elizabeth? I’m coming to join you, honey!”] Sanford’s wife was Elizabeth! Weezy was on “The Jeffersons!” [George Jefferson: “Weezy!”] If Sanford was married to Weezy, then his son wouldn’t be Lamont, it would be Lionel. And Fred would be walking on Bentley’s back in his deluxe apartment in the sky-y-y after a long day of dry cleaning junk in a highly successful run down franchise of Laundroyards. I just don’t understand Obama’s economic plan.
- I don’t believe in polls, and 62% of Americans agree with me.
- Let me remind you how it works. Say I wanted to know who president Kennedy. Ok, let’s see. The movie “JFK” was directed by Oliver Stone, which leads us to the Rolling Stones, Rolling Rock, Rock Lobster, lobster boat, man overboard, waterboard, watergate, Oh my God, Richard Nixon killed Kennedy! My apologies to Fidel Castro, the Dallas Police, the Mafia, the FBI, the Masons, LBJ, Ike Turner and the Hamburgler. I never should have subpoenaed any of you.
- Now let’s use the code to answer the question on everyone’s mind. Who will be our next president? The race is clearly going to be won by the biggest patriot. So let’s start with the New England Patriots, whose quarterback is Tom Brady, Greg Brady, Greg Allman, Almond Joy, Lemon Fresh Joy, Farm fresh eggs, farmer in the dell, There was a farmer had a dog and bingo was his name O-bama! No! Nonono! That can’t be right.
- I just started it off wrong. Let me start again. Ok, there’s a race for the white house, so white house, white guy, Guy Smiley, smiley face, horse face, horseshoe, shoe shine, shoe box, Johann Sebastian Bach, baroque music, Baroque Obama – NO! Stupid code.
- Ok, I got it. The next president is going to be a maverick, and the character Brett Maverick was played by James Garner, Jennifer Garner, Jennifer Lopez, George Lopez, George of the Jungle, In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight, Bobby Knight, Bob Hope, Audacity of Hope, Barack Obama – SHOOT!
- Get more specific, come on ColberT. Let’s try P.O.W. or Pow, Power, Bringing power to the neighborhoods through the community organizing efforts of Barack Obama. No!
- I’ve got it! Okay, last shot. I’ll just start with Senator John McCain … President Barack Obama. Goddamn it!
- Jimmy quick, before I say that name again, just go to a commercial. We’ll be right Barack. Goddamn it!
- From the Jeff Tweedy interview:
- Stephen: I like your American flag lapel flag.
Jeff Tweedy: Thank you, where’s yours?
Stephen: I gave mine to Barack Obama
- Stephen: If you’re going to be a rock-and-roller, the name Jeff Tweedy doesn’t necessarily sound like a rock and roll name. Maybe have it like Jeff Silky, how about that? Or Geoffrey Velvet. Have you thought about that.
Jeff Tweedy: No, I haven’t. It’s an awful name.
- Stephen: This is what I think you should angle for – if he wins, you get to play the inaugural. That’d be huge, wouldn’t it.
Jeff Tweedy: We asked if we could see him at the inaugural in 2005 when we met him and he said to us, if Hillary invites us.
Stephen: Wow, even he didn’t believe his hype.
- Stephen: You’re a very low-key guy.
Jeff Tweedy: Yeah, I’ve heard that.
Stephen: I’m going to try to match your energy. [sits very still] My heart just stopped. I think my endocrine system stopped producing hormones for a second.
- Stephen: I really respect naming something for yourself.
Jeff Tweedy: We though you’d appreciate it.
Stephen: Exactly. Yeah, I’m thinking about naming me for myself. Stephen Colbert, the Me.
Jeff Tweedy: Well, apparently I need to change my name, so …
Stephen: You ought to think about Stephen Colbert. That name has served me very well.
Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit, Light blue shirt with french cuffs, Maroon and cream striped tie.