“I don’t pay attention to polls. I just count lawn signs. So get ready for President Remax! This is The Colbert Report!”
Little Red Bandwagon: “Tonight! More Republicans endorse Barack Obama. Now Republicans will have to suppress their own turnout.”
The Wørd: I Endorse Barack Obama
Bummer of ’29: “And it’s the 79th anniversary of the stock market crash. I believe 79 is the bread crust anniversary.”
- The Great Depression: Was it really that bad?
Down to the Wire: “Plus, my guest is David Simon, creator of HBO’s ‘The Wire.’ I imagine this interview will be critically acclaimed, but underappreciated.”
In closing: “Well that’s it for the Report, everybody. Before we go, I just want to shout out a quick note to the Colbert Completists. Tonight’s episode number was 4140, but this ending line was originally written for Episode 4127. So please, don’t be confused when we put it back for the DVD release. Or when I refer to Episode 4127 as Episode 4140. That’s only because we tacked this ending onto that episode. Oh, which is one of the Saturday shows, which you guys don’t see. All right. Goodnight!”
Editor’s note: We’re pretty sure we just received our new NoFactZone staff nickname: Colbert Completists. Thank you, Stephen! Nice try fooling us with episode number switcharoos!
Video Highlight: The Wørd: I Endorse Barack Obama
NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!
More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website
- Full Episode Video – October 29, 2008
- Intro – 10/29/08: More Republicans endorse Barack Obama. Great, now Republicans will have to suppress their own turnout.
- John McCain’s Big Prank: Stephen finally understands why the entire McCain campaign has seemed like a flaming bag of dog poop dropped on America’s doorstep.
- Was It Really That Bad? – The Great Depression: Historians admit that, while it was a depression, it was also great.
- David Simon: Stephen lets David Simon touch his Emmy.
- Colbert Completists: Tonight’s episode is 4140, but the ending line was originally written for episode 4127.
- *Creepily laughing* I’m sorry, I pulled the greatest prank yesterday. I smeared all the doorknobs in the building with raw chicken. And, uh – *laughs* When they found out, my staff laughed so hard, they were all hospitalized. *laughs* With salmonella. *laughs* It’s funny ’cause it’s true.
- Course, as a prankster extraordinaire, I am the first to admit when someone gets a good one off on me, and my man John McCain is pulling a doozy on the mainstream media. They’re all counting him out, but yesterday McCain revealed that all this time, he has been yankin’ our chains. [McCain: "It's wonderful to fool the pundints [sic] cause we’re gonna win.”] Exactly! They actually think he’s going to lose. *laughs* Because nearly every reliable poll has him behind. What a bunch of rubes! The thing is, you never see it coming from a guy like McCain because he’s so deadpan. Or, or nearly dead, either way it is a perfect set-up to a zinger. *laughs* You got me! You got me.
- Oh oh, remember the one where for years he said he was against Bush’s tax cuts for the rich? But now – *laughs* he wants to make them permanent! You know what they say, when your taxes go up, it’s tragedy, but when it happens to the poor, it’s comedy.
- Oh, oh, and remember the time when he picked Sarah Palin? *laughs so hard he falls off his chair* I totally get it now! I totally get it, she’s totally unqualified! And he’s so old! There’s a really good chance she’d be president. Oh, my god. Oh, my god, that is genius. It all makes sense. I finally understand why the entire McCain campaign has seemed like a flaming bag of dog poop dropped on America’s doorstep. Sir, you are good.
- Oh, oh, it is nice to laugh. Oh. We’re gonna need a lot more laughs like that in the tough times ahead.
- *Editor’s note: Okay, that laugh made my throat hurt.*
- Nation, I have been seeing a disturbing trend in this election. Prominent conservatives and Republicans have been endorsing Senator Barack Obama. This weekend, former Massachusetts governor William Weld threw his hat into the hope ring.
- For the record, McCain also has a first-class temperament. It just happens to be the temperament of a rabid badger in first class. You do not want to be late with his warm nuts.
- Not to mention yesterday’s shocking endorsement by lifelong Republican Yosemite Sam, who said of Obama, “Consarnit! This lily-livered rackin’ frackin’ varmint would restore America’s image on the world stage. Ka-blam. Pow.” That is a surprising endorsement considering how bitterly he clings to his guns.
- Nation, I have no choice but to respond to my fellow prominent conservatives who have the gall to endorse Barack Obama, which brings me to tonight’s Wørd. I endorse Barack Obama. *Audience goes wild*
- I know this is shocking and I can tell that you’re angry. But it is the only solution to what I see as a crisis. Namely, the crisis that these guys are getting attention, and I’m not. [Dude, Your DNA Is In Space]
- It is time for the media to stop covering these has-beens, and start covering this ‘is-be.’ I mean, all over the news yesterday, I’m hearing the words ‘William Weld.’ I believe the last time that name made news was when Eliot Spitzer used it to check into a hotel. [Only Protection He Used]
- They should be talking about me, because my endorsement of Obama just now took real courage. The courage to cross party lines, from a party that is a staggering mass of flaming agony to the party that looks like it’s got a pretty good shot at winning this thing. [Someone Knock On Wood, I Have No Arms!]
- Wow. Wow, I am bold. I’m just gonna take a second here to drink myself in. Jimmy, can we get a long shot of me, please? That’s a good shot of me. So that’s what I look like when I’m being bold. [This Is What I Look Like In Bold]
- Plus, if I endorse Barack Obama, and he wins, I will be associated with a winner. And if there’s one thing that this election has taught us, it’s that we are defined by our associations. [Images of Barack Obama, Rashid Khalidi, Bill Ayers, and the Chupacabra] Oh, you’ll find out all about Obama’s relationship with the Chupacabra this weekend. He launched his political career in its lagoon. [Fact Check: Chupacabra Is Desert Creature]
- And finally, this is a terrible economy, and we may all be out of work soon. Endorsing Obama means I’ll be on his good side when I apply to get a job running the combine at the new National Farm Collective. [Only Crop: Arugula]
- And so, it is for all these reasons that I, prominent conservative Stephen Colbert, am hereby endorsing Barack Obama. [Not Enough To Lure Him Away From "The Daily Show"]
- Of course, of course folks, I just want to be clear, that does not mean I am voting for him. I am not crazy. All right? [Also Not Registered]
- There are plenty of things out there that you can endorse, but not do anything to support. [Like The Constitution]
- For instance, in Japan, I endorse a very popular energy drink called ‘Pow Yum Power Jogging Now Juice.’ But I would never drink it. It makes you poop Hello Kitties. No, I am voting for John McCain. He may be in an uphill struggle in these final days, but I believe he can still win. He just needs to do something to prove that he has the judgment to lead and knows where this country wants to go. You know what, I’ve got it. Senator McCain, you need to endorse Barack Obama. That would really make you look like a maverick. And that’s the Wørd.
- John McCain knows how to stretch a buck. That’s why he’s been moving his attack ads off TV and into the Pennysaver. Clearly Barack Obama doesn’t want you to save $2.99 on salmon filets. That’s not change I want.
- Remember folks, even historians admit that while it was a depression, it was also great.
- Hoover voted with Hoover almost 90% of the time.
- Shantytowns, known as Hoovervilles, popped up all over America. They were the original gated communities, because many of the houses were made from discarded gates.
- Schools were forced to shorten both the school day and the school year. This left children with more free time to play games, like ‘Rock, Paper, Nothing,’ ‘Duck Duck, Work in a Cannery,’ and ‘Hopscotch,’ where kids would forget their worries by getting hopped up on scotch.
- Inspector Shadow radio program: “I’ll solve this case. All I need is a magnifying glass. I’m also gonna need a sandwich. And a glass of milk, a change of clothes, and a place to sleep for the night. And a job. Anything. I’ll do anything. God, I’m so hungry. Where’s that sandwich?!”
- So relax, America, remember what FDR said. We have nothing to fear but another Great Depression – run for your lives!
- Now, you are best known for creating and writing ‘The Wire’. True? You used to be a newspaper man. Why did you stop – I mean, I understand why I would not be in a newspaper, because they are a source of . . . lies. But why did you stop being a newspaper man?
- Simon: Journalism kind of spit me out.
- Colbert: Did it chew you up first? Did it at least get some flavor out of that gristle?
- Simon: I gave them some flavor.
- Colbert: You gave it some flavor first?
- Simon: Yeah, I did. I was one of the first buyouts – these things that have been happening sort of semi-annually now in all the major newspapers, back in 1995, I was probably the third buyout.
- You said one of the things that you didn’t like about newspapers is that they were obsessed – newspaper men became obsessed with money, and prizes, like a prize culture. That’s good that you found TV, ’cause nobody in TV wants any prizes or anything. I mean, you surely don’t want any prizes, right? I mean, like, you’ve never won an Emmy, right?
- Simon: Um, I’ve never behaved as if I did. No, I – well – *Crowd ohhhs* I see it –
- Colbert: She’s pretty, she’s pretty, isn’t she? Bet you wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers, right? Huh? Wanna touch it?
- Simon: Mmm – yeah.
- Colbert: Now, I, uh, I won this for writing, I’m a television writer.
- Simon: Are you sure?
- Colbert: Yeah. Don’t touch her there! Don’t touch her there. Touch the little edge right there. Oh, it’s nice, huh. It’s an electric feeling.
- Simon: Yeah. This is sharp. Dangerous.
- Colbert: Oh, yeah, you could kill your enemies with this thing.
- But the stories are so hard to figure out. Like, your good guys, you know, sometimes do bad things, and your bad guys sometimes, you know, do the right thing. I mean, if you’re gonna have bad guys and good guys, let me know who they are! Like, put the bad guys, like with goggles and a lab coat on a mountaintop with a laser going ‘Ooh, I will get them now!’ *Fly hands* I understand who to root for, then! That’s what won me this, motherf@#ker! Bold strokes! Bold strokes!
- That Guthrie was a tool. ‘This land is your land, this land is my land.’ That is socialism, pure and simple!
- Simon: Well played.
- Colbert: Yeah, absolutely. By the way, Omar Little, everybody loves the Omar Little character, he’s something like a Robin Hood kind of character, you know? I mean, he’s taking from these drug dealers, I mean, shouldn’t Joe the Drug Dealer be able to keep his money, without having it spread around the neighborhood? Is that why Obama likes your writing? Barack Obama says he loves your show, cause you’re a socialist, right? You got something against capitalists, buddy?
- Simon: I think I am a socialist.
- Colbert: What’s wrong with capitalism?
- Simon: I’m a capitalist too.
- Colbert: You’re a capitalist? You called capitalism a pyramid scheme.
- Simon: In the best possible way.
- Colbert: Yeah! Because let’s face it, you and I know the view is great from the top of that pyramid.
- Simon: HBO’s been very good.
- Colbert: Absolutely. I’m gonna have myself buried inside of it with all my interns. They’ll get a college credit, but you know, they’ll, uh . . .
- Is Generation Kill still going on?
- Simon: The war or the miniseries? Miniseries is over, war continues.
- Colbert: Oh. *pause* How’s that going?
- Simon: Ratings are down.
Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit, white shirt with barrel cuffs, yellow tie with black dotted design, WristSTRONG bracelet.