The following was supposed to contain brief nudity. Thanks a lot network! This is The Colbert Report!”
Baked Alaskan: “Tonight, Ted Stevens is convicted by a jury of his peers. Wow, they found 12 corrupt senators?”
- Sen. Ted Stevens is convicted
- Desk Guest: Brian Moore, Socialist candidate for President.
Marx Brother: “Then, is Barack Obama a socialist? I’m not sure, but the fact that I’m asking seems mighty suspicious.”
- Crappy Canton Redux
Sherman & Mr. Peabody: “Plus, I sit down with Native American author Sherman Alexie. Nobody bring up how we ole-stay their and-lay”
- Sherman Alexie – Native American author, “Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian”
THE COLBERT BUMP – YOU’RE GETTING IT:
Sherman Alexie -The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian
In closing: “Only six more days until the election, liberals. Don’t forget to buy your tickets to ‘Canada’. Good night.”
Video Highlight: Sherman Alexie — Sherman Alexie believes John McCain has been great for Native Americans, but he’s bad for the country.
NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!
More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website
- Full Episode Video — 10/28/2008
- Intro — 10/28/08: Senator Ted Stevens is convicted by a jury of his peers. Wow, they found 12 corrupt senators?
- Ted Stevens Is Found Guilty: Throw the book at Ted Stevens — he has what it takes to be pardoned by President Bush.
- Obama the Socialist: Before Barack Obama is sworn in, lick everything you own so it won’t get taken.
- Socialist Candidate for President – Brian Moore: Brian Moore says Barack Obama is the furthest thing from a socialist candidate.
- Canton, Ohio: Now that Barack Obama has made Canton, Ohio important to his campaign, Stephen is forced to find it crappy.
- Tickets to Canada: With only six days left until the election, liberals shouldn’t forget to buy their tickets to Canada.
- Editor’s Note: Yes, that intro sounded familiar to me, too. Ah, the burden of being a walking TCR encyclopedia …
- What a long, long emotional day it has been for all of us. You see, my heart was just beginning to heal from the injustice done three years ago to California congressman Randy “Duke” Cunningham who unfairly plead guilty to accepting bribes and was sentenced to eight years in prison. You hang in there, Dukester. Because yesterday, God decided to send you a buddy.
- Editor’s Note: Stephen openly weeping is Love.
- This is an old trick I learned from my modeling days. Preparation H really depuffs the lids down here. Make sure you use a fresh tube.
- No matter how much he yelled at them, the inanimate objects refused to grow legs and walk away. It always worked in “Beauty and the Beast.”
- Senator Stevens, if you do end up in prison, try sneaking out through the internet. After all, it really is just a series of tubes.
- There is one question on everyone’s mind this election season. Who is Barack Obama? At first we thought he was a secret Muslim. Then we thought he was a domestic terrorist. And for a while, I thought he might be Mothra.
- You hear that? People are going to be coming to take your stuff. Luckily, we know how to stop that. Before Obama is sworn in, lick everything you own.
- Editor’s Note: Stephen licking the desk is Love.
- No, Senator [Biden], this is a joke: What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist ManiPESTO.
- Well, I hope you like that joke, America. Because once President Obama redistributes punch lines, it’s the only one you’ll have. Knock Knock … [Audience: Who’s there?] Communist Manipesto! It works for everything.
- From the interview with Brian Moore:
- Stephen: So let me start out by saying I hate everything you stand for, and welcome to the show.
- Stephen: Do workers get to decide what my PIN number is if I take over the banks?
- Stephen: You could actually be a John McCain stunt double, has anyone ever told you that? No one’s ever told you that? No? …
- Stephen: As a socialist, if you had your druthers, wouldn’t you be forced to share your druthers with everybody else, because nobody owns their own druthers. Did I just nail you?
- Now, the mayor of Canton, GA got upset over my remark, but it was all a mistake. Canton, GA is a great place to raise your inbred children. Or non-inbred children, the town is very accepting of both.
- The people of Canton, KS were a little upset and rightly so. It’s a gorgeous community, especially if you’re a fan of silt.
- Yes, there’s an old saying in Texas. Remember the Alamo, but Good God, forget everything you’ve ever heard about Canton, TX.
- Canton, Ohio? That’s the good Canton! But now that Barack Obama has made Canton, Ohio important to his campaign, I am forced to find it so crappy its name should be changed to “Hitlers’ Asscrack, Ohio.”
- You’ve forced my hand. So here it goes. Hey, Canton, you used to be the home of Hoover vacuum cleaners. But they left because even they thought your city sucked too hard.
- And you’re home to the McKinley Memorial. I visited that once. It was so boring, I wish I’d been assassinated by an unemployed Polish anarchist.
- And Canton, Ohio is the only place in America where the tombstones read, “Best Day of my Life”.
- From Sherman Alexie interview:
- Stephen: Let me ask you something. Is “Indian” a name that Indians can call each other but I can’t call an Indian an Indian, I have to call you a Native American. Can I call you an Indian?
Sherman: I want to ask you a question first.
Stephen: That is generally not allowed, but go ahead. My people have given your people a rough time for centuries now.
Sherman: I think you owe us a little bit.
Stephen: Not the land back, but I’ll let you ask a question.
- Stephen: And by the way, we Anglos forgive you for attacking the wagon trains. All is forgiven.
Sherman: And we forgive you for smallpox.
Stephen: You’re welcome, we’d like those blankets back, please. Have them dry cleaned, please.
- Stephen: What kinds of misconceptions, and I’m sue there are some misconceptions, that us European ancestry have about Native Americans, and if you could answer, please, using your Spirit Wolf voice.
Sherman: My spirit animal is actually a squirrel, not very dramatic, actually.
- Stephen: Did you, like, separate the buffalo hide from the buffalo skull?
- Stephen: Counting coup I call war without balls.
Fangirl Suit Report: Charcoal gray suit with bold pinstripes, Crisp white shirt with French cuffs, Red tie with white square pattern.