Episode 4138 (10/27/2008)

“Hey, Dunkin’ Donuts! America does not run on Dunkin’ — you guys owe me a new gas tank. This is The Colbert Report!”

Red State of Panic: “Tonight! Dissent within the Republican Party — John McCain demands to know the full extent of his relationship with Sarah Palin.”

  • John McCain’s Waterloo
  • NBC’s Electoral Map

The WØRD: It’s Alive!

  • Conservatives criticizing the Republican Party

Central Bark: “Then: My ‘Alpha Dog of the Week’. Where do I find them? I run an ‘Alpha Dog’ puppy mill.”

  • Alpha Dog: Mark Ciptak names his baby Sarah McCain Palin without consulting his wife

Always Room for Cello: “And my guest is world-renowned cellist Yo-Yo Ma. He’s here to talk about his new album: the sountrack to High School Musical 3.”


Songs of Joy & Peace

In closing: “Ladies and gentlemen, performing ‘Panxolina’ off of his new album, ‘Yo-Yo Ma: Songs of Joy and Peace’, Yo-Yo Ma.”

Video Highlight: Yo-Yo Ma Pt. 1 — Yo-Yo Ma talks about his collaboration with friends.

R.A.P.S. – Vote on your favorite segment of the show here!

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website


  • The election is only eight days away, and I am tingling with excitement. Also, I mistook my menthol shave cream for shower gel. And I have got a fresh feeling ALLLLL over! So frosty … down South.
  • Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama’s lead in every poll, but I am not worried. McCain my be behind, but the man is a fighter. He doesn’t know the meaning of the word “quit”. He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate.
  • John McCain has Obama right where he wants him, okay? Ten to fifteen points ahead with a huge African-American turnout. That is why McCain sounded so cocky when Tom Brokaw came to Waterloo, Iowa Sunday to interview him for Meet the Press. [clip of McCain “guaranteeing” his victory] You hear that? John McCain guarantees victory. And there is no better place to guarantee victory than Waterloo. I’m just sayin’. Somebody had to win that battle.
  • Because let’s face it, we are still eight days out. Anything can happen, folks. And I mean anything. Just look at NBC’s electoral map: [clip of NBC’s map of Battleground States, with NV, TX, MO, IN, OH, FL and “VA” — a misidentified NC — marked as “toss up” states] … and according to NBC, how much of a toss up is North Carolina? It is now Virginia! If North Carolina is Virgina, who the hell knows what Virginia is now? “South Maryland”? “East West Virginia”?
  • I mean, Nation, this whole map is all over the map! … And look where they put Alaska, below our southern border?! But you know what? That just bolsters Sarah Palin’s foreign policy credentials, because now, she can also see Mexico.
  • Folks, McCain — McCain was so focused for this interview, he wasn’t even thrown for Brokaw’s “gotcha” questions, like this one. [Clip: Brokaw, “I know you’re a film buff, so let me begin with a film metaphor. Do you feel more like Kevin Costner in the Field of Dreams, or like George Clooney at the tiller of a ship in The Perfect Storm?” McCain, “I think that … maybe, maybe the Gipper …”] Of course, course in the film Knute Rockne All-American, “The Gipper” actually dies … I believe of strep throat … But you know, at John McCain’s age, you can’t expect him to stay up until the end of the movie. He’s usually out by the FBI warning.
  • Unfortunately, while McCain is re-launching his “Never Say Die” tour, a bunch of conservative intellectuals are fleeing the sinking Republican ship like really smart and articulate rats. This right-wing nerd herd thinks the Republican Party is dead in the water. But the truth is tonight’s WØRD: It’s Alive!
  • Now, folks, everybody know’s I’m a big fan of mobs. For me, there is just no more flattering light than ten thousand, torch-wielding peasants. [Formerly “The Middle Class”]
  • Now, McCain-Palin rallies have become haunted houses and tales of terror about Barack Obama. [Bowl of “Eyeballs” Really Just Peeled Grapes] But now, conservative intellectuals like David Brooks, Peggy Noonan and David Frum, have begun to publicly distance themselves from the McCain-Palin campaign, which Noonan called “A symptom and expression of a new vulgarization in American politics.” A new vulgarization, madam? Excuse me, some of us have worked hard to vulgarize politics for years. By the way Peggy, nice rack.
  • David Brooks is even more out of line, calling Palin “… a fatal cancer to the Republican party.” Excuse me, excuse me, David, I believe you meant to say ‘a fatal cancer to the Republican party — with pizzazz’!
  • And David Frum, a recovering Canadian neocon who authored President Bush’s “Axis of Evil” speech, last week said this on my show: [clip of Frum] “If my party says, we are going to be the party of Sarah Palin … we are going to be a rural, white rump … we don’t have much of a future.” For the record, Mr. Frum, the “rump” of a rural white is the tenderest part. [Also The Largest Part]
  • And while these “Boo-hoo”-ocrats hold a pity party over the state of the Republican body politic, they seem to have forgotten just what the Republican party’s body was made of. [Sugar And Spice And Condoleeza Rice]
  • We know it’s many different body parts stitched together. Fiscal conservatives sutured onto to Christian fundamentalists, held together with a patchwork or neocon foreign policy hawks. Then in 2000, they bolted George Bush’s head on and brought it to life with 10,000 volts of “gay people want to marry your baby”. [On A Burning Flag]
  • Now, for the record, folks, I am not saying that intellectuals like Noonan and Brooks and Frum are Dr. Frankenstein. [He Eventually Felt Remorse] No, Dr. Frankenstein is not even a member of the Republican Party … any more. I believe — I believe he is now an analyst for Fox News.
  • No, they are not Dr. Frankenstein, I am just saying — and I mean this in the nicest possible way — that they are hunks of dead flesh sown into the walking corpse of the Republican Party.
  • Think about it, it could not have lived long without them; they were vital organs. Noonan was the larynx; she has long given voice to the monster. Who can forget her 2004 column, “Fire bad, Bush good”? Brooks was, let’s say, the kidneys, because he processed the creature’s waste into New York Times editorials.
  • And Frum? Well, based on this quote from 2005, “Karl Rove was right when he charged: ‘Conservatives see the United States as a great nation engaged in a noble cause; liberals see the United States and they see … Nazi concentration camps.” I would have to say, Frum was the balls. [Or The Anus]
  • Now, maybe these turncoats just don’t like who the monster has chosen for its bride. [Image of Sarah Palin with “Bride of Frankenstein” hair] Or maybe — maybe they are horrified by what it has done to Igor. [Photo of McCain from after the last debate]
  • But the point is, they have known the score all along. They were happy to support using fear to frighten the villagers into giving tax cuts to the guy who owned the castle. [Technically, Owned Seven Castles]
  • And they would gladly go along with “Creation Science”, as long as it would help them create a new regime in Iraq. [Monkey Could Have Planned It Better]
  • But now they are rejecting this thing that they have long helped exist. Whatever the reason, they are suddenly afraid. [Afraid It’s Not Working This Time]. And that’s The WØRD.
  • They say, folks, you lay down with dogs, you wake up with fleas. You lay down with my kind of dog, you wake up with puppies. This is my Alpha Dog of the Week!
  • Tonight’s Alpha Dog: Mark Ciptak. While most of us wear our support for a candidate on our bumpers, our hats or our artfully man-scaped chests, only Tennessee resident Mark Ciptak had the Alpha Dog instincts to wear his on his newborn baby daughter, who he legally named ‘Sarah McCain Palin Ciptak’ in an effort “to get the word out” for the McCain campaign.
  • This man, right here, will do whatever it takes to raise awareness for his favorite causes. Just ask his two other kids, ‘Meals on Wheels Ciptak’ and ‘Please Spay or Neuter Your Pet Ciptak’.
  • But, folks, simply naming your child Sarah McCain Palin isn’t enough to make you an Alpha Dog; no! Mark clinched the title by doing it behind his wife’s back, after the couple had agreed on the name ‘Ava Grace’.
  • Yeah, ‘Ava Grace’. That name wouldn’t have helped anyone. Except his daughter’s chances of leading a well-adjusted life.
  • Now here Ciptak takes us back to the moment he made his Alpha move. [Ciptak: “‘Bout a half an hour before we had to leave the hospital, I brought it up to my wife, ’cause my conscience really, you know, drilling me; I just really felt bad that she wasn’t involved. And I really thought she was going to be gung-ho and, ‘Yes, let’s do it!’ She wasn’t …”]
  • The good news is, they can save time by filing the name change and divorce papers on the same day!
  • Oh — oh, side note: Ciptak also named the placenta ‘Lieberman’.
  • If you ask me, Sarah McCain Palin could not be a better name for a baby. After all, bald, wrinkly babies bear a striking resemblance to John McCain. Not to mention, they nap almost as much.
  • So, Mark Ciptak, for putting country first, waaaay ahead of ever having sex with your wife again, you are my Alpha Dog of the Week!
  • My guest tonight is a world renowned cellist. Yeah, but how good is he at XBox “Cello Hero”? Please welcome Yo-Yo Ma!
  • Hey there, Mr. Ma, thank you so much for joining us. Now then [picks up a conductor’s baton and taps it authoritatively on his music stand] … I’m in control, all right? This gives me the power [Ma: You’ve got it.] I’ll take any phallic symbol I can get.
    • Ma: Thin.
    • Stephen: Now, let’s ta — you’re, you’re a superstar … [Ma’s comment registers and Stephen completely breaks character] “Slender”. Slender. It’s the action, my friend.
  • You are a superstar cellist —
    • Ma: What does that mean?
    • Stephen: What does that mean?
    • Ma: Nothing.
    • Stephen: It means something in the cello world … Who’s like, you the number one … everybody says “cellist”, they go “Yo-Yo Ma”. Okay? How does it feel to, like, be the number one at something in the world?
    • Ma: So, for people that watch Arthur, you know, Mikey, the eight-year old cellist? [Stephen: Yes.] I’m a superstar, because I’m in his show. And so he probably thinks of me as ‘Joe, the Cellist’.
    • Stephen: Are enough candidates addressing the concerns of Joe, the Cellist?
    • Ma: Well, you know, I think it could take a while …
    • Stephen: Now, you’ve got a new album here called “Yo-Yo Ma & Friends: Songs of Joy and Peace”. Now, I understand the ‘Yo-Yo Ma’ part; what about the ‘Friends’? Um, you … you collaborate with so many different people around the world in this — also with The Silk Road Project, which is celebrating its tenth year — if you’re a superstar, you get to be a diva. What’s the benefit of being a genius if you can’t also be a jerk to people?
    • Ma: You know, you make a very good point … and you’re also the maestro, so basically, you have to make a good point, and you’re always right. But as — every person has a weakness: I can’t work alone. So therefore, I need friends. And I like to work with friends. I like people, so I like to have friends to help me get better. Because if I just think —
    • Stephen: I don’t understand what you just said.
    • Ma: … It’s true. See, I like generous friends —
    • Stephen: That sounds like in involves listening to other people’s opinions —
    • Ma: Sometimes. Sometimes. And what’s really, also, really neat is, is, if you find a friend that knows something that you admire, right? And if they’re generous and they can actually share it with me, actually what is theirs, actually becomes mine. So I win after a while.
    • Stephen: Oh, I like that.
    • Ma: Isn’t that good?
    • Stephen: If ‘yours’ becomes ‘mine’, that sounds like a win-win, for ‘Me-Me’.
    • Ma: For ‘You-You’. Or ‘Yo-Yo’! Or ‘You-You’, whatever …
    • Stephen: Am I pronouncing that correctly? Is it Yo-Yo, or Yo-Yo?
    • Ma: See, this is another good point, since today, you make only good points —
    • Stephen: I’m on a roll.
    • Ma: ‘Yo-Yo’, in different places, means different things. Like for example, in some parts of the world, I’m known as Jo-Jo. Right? … And some people know me as, ‘Yo Ma-Ma’, right?
    • Stephen: That must be rough to hear.
  • You travel all around the world, you play your classical music all around the world, are we in the West winning the classical wars? Because, because like, you know, every like, in Beijing, they play like, Mozart over there. Okay? So aren’t we “winning”, ’cause they don’t play — we don’t play, like, the pling-plang stuff over here; they’re playing our music over there. [Editor’s note: The “pling-plang” stuff? Geez, Stephen! The stuff that *only* you can say …]
    • Ma: Well, you know … [smiling and shaking his head]
    • Stephen: That’s the technical term for it.
    • Ma: “Pling-pling”, yeah, exactly. No, I think the Mozart effect is going very strong. I think — I think Mozart is actually winning, and being a good American, I think we should actually bring all kinds of music …
    • Stephen: But a good American cello song — aren’t there any real America cello songs about, like, pickup trucks and kickin’ ass?
    • Ma: Ah. Listen, you know, what’s interesting about what you say is, you know, good songs … such as what you referred to … it’s hard for me to …
    • Stephen: Yeah, I understand. Your mouth is too “classy” for those — I understand.
    • Ma: [laughing] It’s a third language for me; I’m a stranger in these parts … but what I do like is, if I could, I would, and I would try. So do you have anything against, for example, truck drivers?
    • Stephen: No, I love ’em! Are you kiddin’? [indicating self] Joe, the Truck Driver. That’s who I do my show for!
    • Ma: So, we can do business together.
    • Stephen: Hey, would you stick around and do a song for Joe, the Truck Driver?
    • Ma: I would love to.
    • Stephen: All right.

Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit (black on black stripes), silver-grey shirt with single-button barrel cuffs. Light blue tie with geometric pattern. WristSTRONG bracelet.

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