Episode 4137 (10/23/2008)

“Hey Pants! Why should I have to put you on one leg at a time? I’m not like everybody else. This is The Colbert Report!”


Job Insecurity: “Tonight! Who’s threatening our jobs? Wait, people still have jobs?”

  • The Dow is Up
  • The Palins in People Magazine
  • Threatdown: Who’s Nailin’ Paylin?

Difference-Machers (Ask Your Bubbe): “Plus, I profile some heroes who are keeping America strong – and it’s not Chinese bankers.”

  • Hummer drivers

Roosevelt Frankly: “Then, I’ll ask Newsweek’s Jonathan Alter whether we need a new FDR. Seriously, the old one’s getting kinda game-y.”


THE COLBERT BUMP – YOU’RE GETTING IT:

Johnathan Alter


In closing: “Well, that’s it for The Report, everybody. Good night!”

Video Highlight: The Palins in People Magazine People Magazine does its best retouching work on Sarah Palin since they made Clay Aiken’s make-up look like skin.

R.A.P.S. – Click here to talk about the episode!

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website

NOTABLE MOMENTS

  • *Major audience cheering*You know, folks. Welcome to The Report. I don’t know – I can’t exactly put my finger on what it is, but I suddenly have enormous affection for you.
  • Well nation, lots of good news out there today. The Dow went up 172 points so the economy is fixed. I’ll tell ya, that took forever.
  • Also, scientists at UCLA have discovered that in a vaccuum, you can actually x-ray yourself with Scotch Tape. So Americans finally have health care they can afford.
  • And I have once again changed the world. Last week I wagged my finger at Newsweek Magazine for not re-touching this unflattering cover photo of Governor Sarah Palin, which showed her facial hair.
  • It turns out people were listening. By which I mean People Magazine. This week’s People has an extreme close-up of Governor Palin, and there is not a hair in sight. She is like an eel.
  • This is People’s best re-touching work since they made Clay Aiken’s make-up look like skin.
  • I think we can all agree that it is best if Sarah Palin is never taken out of the packaging.
  • I gotta say that is one good looking couple there. It’s hard to imagine these guys without… *Imitates the Palins, accents and all*“Hey Todd! What do you think of my $150,000 clothes?” “I think they look even better on the floor.” *Makes the magazine pictures kiss each other* “I love you so much. Oh Todd, you’re the snow machine.” *Stephen kisses Sarah’s picture discreetly*
  • Seems like a very happy marriage and it is a nice reminder that whatever happens in life you always have your loved ones. But they can’t save you now – This is the Threatdown!
  • Shame on you, Long John Silver’s for offering lower fat food. Pirates care about finding booty, not how their booty looks in jeans.
  • Nation, this non-fried fish is a threat to the great American tradition of deep-frying everything. What else aren’t we going to fry – corndogs, Oreos, wine?
  • Hell, I’ve already seen supermarkets selling non-chocolate covered Rasinets. They just call them raisins. Everyone knows you’re supposed to suck off the chocolate and spit out the pit.
  • Then why when the inspectors from the Guinness Book of World Records showed up, did the crowd attack the sandwich destroying any evidence of this supposed peaceful sandwich program?
  • Folks, this just proves Iran is developing illegal lunchtime technology.
  • Nobody wants the smoking gun to be a mushroom sauce.
  • This is the same mood-lifting technology pioneered by Wooly Willy.
  • Oh, look at Willy’s silly goatee! I’ve forgotten all about my home being foreclosed.
  • Nation, the real threat here is that this treatment will magnetize our depressed people. Now they’ll have scissors and kitchen knifes flying at them all the time. Although, on the plus side, it will keep them from jumping off bridges.
  • Really? Well, if you tell a really bad human waiter to take back your food, he’s not going to fling feces at you. He’s going to mix it into the pasta.
  • We’ve already lost good jobs to seeing-eye dogs and tic-tac-toe playing chickens.
  • Thank God my job is safe. I have a skill no animal can replace. I can use this stick to get termites out of my desk. *Shoves stick down his desk and begins to lick it* It’s a good source of protein.
  • The number one threat to America – Larry Flynt, who has crossed the line with his new porn video, “Who’s Nailin’ Paylin?” – starring a Sarah Palin look-a-like who rides more than snow machines.
  • Mr. Flynt, How dare you? Sarah Palin would never let a Russian into her house, unless they were bringing her $150,000 worth of clothes.
  • But the real threat here, folks, is that the strict equal time provisions means that it won’t be long before we see a porno about the Democratic Candidate – “Who’s Ridin’ Biden?”
  • By the way, he is the bottom of the ticket. The whole video takes place in Amtrak business class. Biden finds a sexy conductor, brings her to a sleeping car, then talks to her for 45 minutes about growing up in Scranton.
  • Folks, there is no denying these are trying times for our nation. We’re fighting two wars, we’re in an economic meltdown, and last night I slept on this finger weird.
  • But with magic wand technology still decades away, we may soon lose our nations most precious resource – the Hummer.
  • Jimmy, slow that down. Let’s appreciate all this excitement in real time.
  • Hummer owner #1: “Between the machine guns on the front, the grenade on the shifter, all the way to the guy on the back with the laser designator, if that’s not patriotic I don’t know what is.”
  • Hummer owner #2: “Look, Alaska’s a big place all right? We just want to drill a couple little holes, and we would have more oil than all those stupid, little A-rab countries put together.”
  • But the Hummer club stands up against intolerance, and then drives right over the son of a b$%*h.
  • My guest tonight is a Newsweek columnist and biographer of FDR, as in Franklin De-Hussein Roosevelt – please welcome Jonathan Alter.
    • Stephen: Now, my first question and I think it’s far more pertinent. You’re on Countdown a lot, Olbermann is insane, right?…
    • Stephen: Your book is The Defining Moment: FDR’s Hundred Days and the Triumph of Hope, and it’s now in paperbook for all the new poor people we have. But look, we’re in a two-front war, we’re in an economic crisis, why are we talking about FDR?
    • Alter: Because FDR represented a sharp break from the past. Remember the 1920′s – it was a carnival act? John McCain remembers ‘em.
    • Stephen: So he’s been through this before. He’s been through this – He’s a steady hand…
    • Alter: Here’s what FDR understood. Is that we needed to break from that and give the same deference to the American people, to needy people.
    • Stephen: That’s redistribution of wealth. That’s redistribution of wealth, Jon. You’re talking about spreading the wealth around. That’s what he did. That’s what he did. Did he do that?
    • Alter: Absolutely.
    • Stephen: And Obama says that’s his man. Redistribution of wealth, sir. You stepped in it, buddy. You stepped into it. *Stephen’s very happy about the nailing*This isn’t Countdown, my friend.
    • Alter: And by the way, if we can redistribute wealth to greedy bankers, why can’t we redistribute some to needy Americans?…
    • Stephen: I think, clearly, McCain has more in common with FDR because they both overcame some real deficits. FDR, obviously, was paralyzed – couldn’t use his legs. And from the looks of his campaign, McCain no longer has a spine…
    • Alter: The conservative movement we have now basically grows out of the ingratitude toward Roosevelt after he saved their asses in 1933.
    • Stephen: So you’re saying conservatives exist because Roosevelt gave them something to hate?
    • Alter: Basically, that’s correct.
    • Stephen: Well, that means that if Roosevelt weren’t here, there’d be a lot more love in the world.

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