“Hey, America, you scratch my back I’ll demand you scratch my back more. This is The Colbert Report!”
Crock the Vote: “Tonight! Republicans accuse Acorn of voter fraud. It’s the most serious charge since they accused Pretzel of trying to assassinate the president.”
- Stephen Jr. campaigns for McCain
- Acorn voter fraud
The WØRD: Fantasyland
Holy Voter: “Then, does God care about who wins this election? If not, who carried me to that voting booth.”
- Battle of the Gods: can God get McCain to win the election?
- Atone Phone- Apologies
Home School Advantage: “And I sit down with Michael Farris, chancellor of a Christian college known as God’s Harvard, which makes Harvard God’s Texas A&M”
- Guest: Michael Farris, Chancellor of Patrick Henry College
In closing: “Well, that is all the time we have, Nation. Ah, you know what? Let’s do another one tomorrow night.”
The WØRD- Fantasyland
Acorn registers Micky Mouse to vote, but he’s obviously an Obama supporter.
NOTABLE MOMENTS Video links and more after the fold!
More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website
- Intro- 10/21/08: Stephen wants to know who carried him to that voting booth.
- Stephen Jr. Campaigns for McCain: Stephen Jr. is spotted in Oregon presumably campaigning for McCain
- Battle of the Gods: Some are hoping God will play a role in the outcome of the election
- Atone Phone- The Pony Down: Callers apologize for their wrongdoings against Stephen.
- Michael Farris: Stephen interviews guest Michael Farris, Chancellor of Patrick Henry College
- Another Tomorrow: Stephen will do another show tomorrow night.
- Nation, you are looking at the face of a proud Papa. It is the same face I had when my little one took his first steps, slept through the night on his own, and bit the head off his first squirrel. Of course, I am talking about my adapted eagle son, Stephen Jr.
- Jimmy, show them what he looks like now. [Picture of grown Stephen Jr.] Ooh, look he’s got my regal profile.
- Now, I hadn’t heard from my son in months, but good news Nation Stephen Jr. has been found. He was spotted in Oregon, or as I call it ‘The West Coast Taint’. Taint Washington, Taint California.
- Now obviously he is in Oregon campaigning for McCain, who is currently trailing Obama by 13 points. He is a tough campaigner and I can only assume that number 46 represents the number of Obama supporters whose eyes he has pecked out this week. This would explain why Obama’s Oregon headquarters have already changed their slogan from ‘Change We Need’ to ‘Change We Jesus Christ! Get This Eagle Off My Face!’
- Oh, and Stephen Jr., remember to tell your vulture friends to stay away from John McCain. He is still alive.
- Nation, we are only two weeks away from the biggest election in the history of the universe, but there is still a huge threat out there, not Al-Qaeda, a more sinister organization- Acorn!
- This shadowy group of community organizers is up to something. Voter fraud. And not just any voter fraud, [Video of McCain saying "one of the greatest frauds in voter history in this country maybe destroying the fabric of democracy"], and we all know the fabric of democracy is very fragile in this country because it is made out of the founding father’s pantyhose.
- Now I have a lot of problems with Acorn. First, they should have picked a more ominous name like Kaos or Specter instead of squirrel food. Something really scary, they are the biggest nut based threat to America since Mr. Peanut tried to assassinate the GOP elephant to impress the Mortin Salt Girl.
- Now nation I am deeply deeply troubled by this situation with Acorn, and that brings us to tonight’s word. Fantasyland!
- Acorn has collected 1.3 million registrations but they’ve turned in thousands of duplicate registrations and some forms with suspicious names like ‘Micky Mouse’ and ‘Donald Duck’. Evidently Minnie is sitting this election out. She’s still bitter over Hillary. [Thinks Obama Is A "Secret Cat"]
- Now Acorn claims this activity isn’t voter fraud, that in fact they are required by law to turn all voter registration forms that are collected, even ones they think are suspect and for there to be actual voter fraud Micky Mouse would have to show up at a polling place. [Who Registered Roger Rabbit?]
- In other words folks, they’re saying the threat is imaginary but then until recently so was the idea of a black man named Barack Hussein Obama leading in the polls. [Change You Can Make Believe In]
- Nation, we cannot let Micky Mouse vote. He’s obviously an Obama supporter; just take a look at the gift the senator received yesterday, [Picture of Obama holding a Micky Mouse hat], it is a blatant attempt to make Obama feel better about his ears.
- Lets face it folks, all of toontown is in the tank for Barack [Except Foghorn Leghorn] and not just because of this recently released photo [Picture of Sarah Palin standing over a dead Bulwinkle holding a gun]
- Nation, we must make sure cartoons don’t vote. I say the simplest way is to drop an anvil over the head of every voter. If a single lump rises out their scalp and little birds start circling their head we nab them for voter fraud. If their skull is crushed, they can go ahead and vote. [And Host "Fox & Friends"]
- Of course, that might still let through some imaginary voters. [Joe the Plumber?] Luckily, there are rigorous laws out there that keep new voters in check. Like the ‘Help America Vote Act’ which helps states turn away new voters if there is any discrepancy on their registration and their government records, even if it’s just a typo made by a government clerk, and even if that typo is just a hyphen. [Like In "African-American"]
- Nation the last thing we want is an illegitimate election and we know these registration forms are suspect. Polls show new registrated voters are planning to vote 65 to 35 for Obama. [Those Over 65 Voting For McCain]
- Now, we may not be able to make all the new fake new voters real, so we have to make all the real new voters fake by getting rid of all new registrations. We’ll just got back to when we knew every vote was legit in 2004. Everyone who voted then can vote now. [Lock the Vote]
- Of course, to prove these voters are who they say they are we’ll have to vote the same way they did in 2004 [Out of Fear]. Then, either the Republican or the Democrat will win, who remembers? [Remaining Population of New Orleans].
- But anyone, and I mean anyone, who has any connection to Acorn at all absolutely cannot vote. That means that anyone who has ever been the keynote speaker at one of their events. [Video of McCain speaking at an Acorn event from February 23, 2006] You know what? I’m going to pretend I didn’t just see John McCain’s speech to Acorn in 2006 because if it will help McCain win the election I am willing to live a Fantasyland. And that’s The Word.
- Folks, people are saying that John McCain does not have a pray, but I am pretty sure the Lord is with him. Mostly because they used to be college roommates. If one of them had a girl over they’d lean a ‘staff’ against the door.
- Also, because McCain’s been speaking in tongues.
- It is no wonder that the faithful have been flocking to John McCain like lambs to the… whatever it is lambs flock to. Lets say lamb camp.
- Here’s one reason they’d pray to Hindu and Buddha, they don’t know those aren’t Gods.
- Did Reverend Conrad just call God a p@y?
- Now I don’t want to get into a God measuring contest, but I’m pretty sure we’re packing the biggest God. I mean come on, you going to tell me those Minarets aren’t compensating for something? And they are not.
- This is the most important election in history. The final round of a century’s long ‘God off’. An infinite struggle of all powerful cosmic forces to be decided by who wins Pennsylvania.
- So how did we get here? Let’s go to the brackets! [Takes out list God brackets] Now I am doing pretty well so far; I totally called Zeus over Kronos in a upset. Though I got to say I did not see Ba’al Vs. Dagon in round two. I forgot the old rule, never bet on the half fish. Now Questzacoatl easily swallowed the Serpent God of Midgard; that was on Pay-Per-View due to the hot snake on snake action. And of course my God has had an easy round onto the finals, bounced Tonacatechvhtli sorry Aztechs, and destroyed the Celtic Gods [Picture of Boston Celtics].
- And that brings us to today, a four way cage match between Buddha, Hindu, and Allah. It’s a big game! I better get God’ psyched up! Alright, lets do this thing! [Chorus of Angels sing, and light shines on Stephen] God, can the cheerleaders pipe down please? [Music stops] Thank you. Now, God, I know you’re eternal, but take a time out. Okay? You’re playing hard, maybe it doesn’t feel like the fans are cheering as loud as they used to, but you’ve got to make the other team taste of the fruit of the tree of beat down. You’re gonna eat lightning; you’re gonna crap thunder! You’re hopefully gonna cause some votes in Ohio and Florida to be lost. Now, lets get out there and smite some butt!
- Caller 1 to Atone Phone: Hi Stephen, this is Naomi from Vancouver, BC. I wanted to apologize; I had a baby this year and it was not with your Formula 401 serum, but with my husband.
- Caller 2 to Atone Phone: Hi Stephen, this is Tyler from Medesto, California. And I was just calling to ask for forgiveness, you had a segment called the platinum edition and you warned all your viewers that nonplatinum members should not watch this segment, and I didn’t listen to you, Stephen. I watched it anyway. I’m sorry. I am so sorry.
- Caller 3 to Atone Phone: Yes, my name is Jason and I do have something to Atone for unfortunately. During the Emmy’s I wrote in for Don Rickles to beat you.
- Caller 4 to Atone Phone: Hi Stephen, this is Nicky. My mom told me to call you and apologize cause I said your show was boring, but it really is though. Okay, bye.
- That’s not an apology, Nicky! You just called my show boring again! Well, I cannot have a little girl thinking I’m boring, so make sure you tune in tomorrow night for my new segment ‘The Pony Down’ in which I profile America’s top five pretty ponies. I hope that satisfies you, Nicky.
- My guest tonight is the Chancellor of the first college for Christian homeschoolers. Their math majors are some of the few people still left who can divide by a cubit. Please welcome, Michael Farris!
- If you were homeschooled why not just be homecolleged? Why lose the faith at that moment?
- Farris: Well, it’s hard to cafeteria food fights that mom doesn’t disapprove of. And it’s hard to do speech class. There are some activities that parents want their kids to do and the students want to do at a college setting- the debate teams, the soccer teams, the academic setting that we can hone what the parents have done.
Stephen:Just seems like too much social interaction for me, seems dangerous. I believe it should be homeschooled, homecolleged, and then get a home job.
- Farris: The student council at Patrick Henry College by a vote of 25-1 voted to give you the title of arbiter of American morality and defender of the vast right-wing conspiracy in consideration of your leadership and truthiness.
- Now, you have a book, it’s called the Holy Bible.
- Stephen: All the founding fathers: Christians.
Farris: Well, okay.
Stephen:Just go with yes. Go with yes, don’t make me more Christian then you are right now. Do I need to be the President of Patrick Henry College?
Farris: I’ll let you have a day or two at it.
- Stephen: Do you teach creationism?
Stephen: That sounds like a great class, because A+ every time you write on the final ‘God did it’ and you’re all done.
Farris: If that was the question that would be the right answer.
- Stephen: Let me ask you something, do you believe that anyone who accepts Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savor can get into heaven?
Farris: Absolutely will get into Heaven.
Stephen: Well, do you believe that anyone who accepts Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savor will get into Patrick Henry College?
Farris: Well, no…
Farris: They don’t necessarily have the SAT scores to get in.
Stephen:So it’s harder to get into your college than it is to get into Heaven?!
Farris: Yes, it is. Absolutely.
Stephen: Do you just put the eye of a needle at the front gate and say if you can get through there you’re fine?
Farris: We hadn’t thought of it, but it’s a good idea.
Stephen: So basically, you’re saying God needs to raise his standards?
Farris: Or build more dorms at our school.
Fangirl Suit Report: Charcoal suit, off white dress shirt with French cuffs, and a crimson tie with diagonal gold stripes.