This show is 22 minutes, let’s round it up to an hour. That will be $800. This is The Joe The Plumber Report!”
Plumbing The Depths: “Tonight, I’ll use a drain auger to snake out your U-trap. ”
- KFC Snacker
- The Final Debate
Sink And Destroy: “Then, I’ll swap out a tall single control lav faucet for a 4″ widespread set.”
- Portrait Accepted – Brent Glass
Robert Greenweld: “Then my guest, political activist and filmmaker Robert Greenwald has gone to get the ball valve from his truck.”
- Robert Greenwald – Filmmaker
THE COLBERT BUMP – YOU’RE GETTING IT:
Robert Greenwald – Brave New Films
In closing: Portrait unveiling
A New Portrait
Stephen starts his fourth year by unveiling a portrait with something new.
NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!
More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website
- KFC Snacker: Stephen pulls his money out of the stock market and buys a KFC Snacker.
- The Final Debate: Stephen is ready to call it — John McCain is going to be the next president of Fox News.
- Portrait Accepted – Brent Glass: Brent Glass formally accepts Stephen’s portrait into the National Museum of American History
- Robert Greenwald: Robert Greenwald discusses his series of heavily researched anti-McCain ads on YouTube.
- Oh, I love me some mindless chanting.
- Well, it happened again. The DOW took a 733 point plunge today after shooting up over 900 points on Monday. It’s like a roller coaster, only you vomit your money.
- So today, I pulled all my cash out of the market and bought a KFC Snacker. [Pulls out a Snacker and takes a big bite.] Mmm, almost had enough. Comfort food. [Ducks under the desk and spits the bite back into the wrapper.]
- I swear, if I ever get my hands on this Dow Jones character, I’m going to kick his ass. I’m coming for you Jones!
- You know folks, I would just love to dive out there and crowd-surf you, but I am not that strong of a swimmer.
- Now I never lost faith. I knew that John McCain is the master of changing games. After all, he started his career as a Navy man, then he became a straight-talking rancher from Arizona, he excelled as chairman of the Indian Affairs Committee, then he was the reformer who policed the halls of Congress. Of course, who could forget the fun-loving McCain at this year’s Sturgess Motorcycle Rally and last night, McCain slapped on a hard hat to talk to the working man. Yep, Obama didn’t go up against just one John McCain, he went up against all these guys. [Picture of John McCain's face pasted on the the bodies of the Village People.]
- It was such a game changer that I’m not sure this is a game anymore. These guys might really be running for office.
- Listen to him tell the budget who’s boss: [McCain: "What would I cut? Well, first I would have an across the board spending freeze, okay? Some people say that's a hatchet, well that's a hatchet and then I would get out a scalpel."] Yes, when it comes to the budget, McCain is like a brain surgeon from the 1600s. First, he’ll crack open the patient’s head with one wild swing, then poke around with a scalpel, then call a priest to remove the demon hiding behind the eyes.
- If you do not say yes to town hall meetings, you force the other candidate to viciously attack you. It’s just like when Tina Turner refused to have town hall meetings with Ike.
- Thank you Senator. The fabric of democracy is being destroyed by ACORN. I am so tired of people saying it was being destroyed by concentrating unchecked power in the executive branch, or politicizing the Justice Department or condoning torture or warrantless wiretapping of American citizens. It was actually destroyed by homeless people filling out voter registration forms with the name Mickey Mouse.
- Now I’m not giving Senator McCain a free ride here. He made some mistakes. For instance, this Joe the Plumber nonsense. Look, I know Joe the Plumber. He fixed my toilet when I tried to flush a terrycloth towel. And I happen to know he thinks of himself as Joe the Aspiring Novelist. Plumbing doesn’t define him, he has dreams! His books are mostly about plumbing.
- McCain clearly has more frequent flier miles. He knows when you stay in the Bogota Hilton, room 602 faces the harbor, he knows you never order the turkey club off the room service menu at the Kabul Sheriton. He knows that when you leave the Baghdad Four Seasons to go to the market, you put on a kevlar vest and bring along 30 soldiers and helicopters for air support.
- [McCain: "Senator Obama, I am not President Bush."] This is terrible news. I have been holding out hope that John McCain is President Bush. I mean, it seemed plausible. After all, you never see them in the same place anymore. And McCain is just a shell of his former self, I naturally assumed that Bush had hollowed him out and climbed inside to work the controls.
- 87% of Fox viewers thought John McCain won! That is up one percent from the last post-debate poll taken by Fox News. And so I am ready to call it now: John McCain is going to be the next president of Fox News.
- Every October 17th, I put modesty aside to honor my show. Tomorrow is the third anniversary of the Colbert Report! Nation, we do it! I’ve been on the air for 3 years and have taped 464 shows, and what a year this last one has been. In just the past 12 months, my DNA has been sent to space, I had a spider named after me, I ran for President, I forged a political alliance with Doritos, I sent Kareem Abdul-Jabar on a quest to find Hitler’s gold, I had 3 presidential candidates on one episode, I sang with Crosby, Stills, and Nash, I ate my stage manager Bobby, I won a Peabody, I won an Emmy, I met Cookie Monster, and I have claustrophobia–Jimmy, stop it! Stop it!
- One of my proudest accomplishments was having my portrait hung in the National Portrait Gallery, right next to the bathrooms. People lined up for hours, although that might have been due to the cafeteria’s Lincoln Pot Pie.
- But folks, like most tragedies, this one has a happy ending. Please welcome the Director of the National Museum of American History, Brent Glass! Now, I understand that you have some very happy news for these people.
- Glass: Yes Stephen. We’re happy to announce that the National Museum of American History will formally accept the portrait of Stephen in the museum.
- Stephen: I’m a national treasure? [Brent nods, and he and Stephen shake hands.]
- Stephen: Let me ask you something, what changed your mind sir?
- Glass: Well, first of all, we’re undergoing a major renovation right now. We’re just going to complete a two-year renovation that occupied a lot of our attention.
- Stephen: So, when’s the museum reopen?
- Glass: November 21.
- Stephen: Alright, alright, be there.
- Glass: Everyone is invited. And then, we also wanted to figure out the right place for the portrait–
- Stephen: Right there in front of the whole thing.
- Glass: Well, thinking about whether it was really a portrait, I think it was more a question of–
- Stephen: It was in the National Portrait Gallery, sir!
- Glass: Well that was temporary, as you pointed out.
- Stephen: What changed your mind was when I was in the Portrait Gallery, I did baffo box office, right? I drove their numbers!
- Glass: It was phenomenal.
- Stephen: You want a little taste of that, don’t you? That Colbert Bump is what you want. I understand there’s some paperwork that we have to do here. So where do I sign?
- Glass: Yes, we have to sign our Deed of Gift. You sign here–[Stephen pulls a feather quill.] Did you get that from our collection?
- Stephen: Yeah, I did actually, I stole this from Jefferson’s desk.
- Glass: And I will sign here, okay? That makes it official.
- Stephen: Alright, boys? Bring it out! [The portrait is brought out as Stephen and Brent move to the front of the desk.] Alright, there she is. Now, is this going to be in the collection of the Smithsonian’s national treasures for a little time? Does it ever get retired?
- Glass: We’re in the forever business at the American History Museum, so it will be in the collection forever.
- Stephen: And I understand that from now on, I stay young and the portrait gets old.
- Glass: Well, it’s now a part of the national collection, so it belongs to America now.
- Stephen: I got you something America, you’re welcome!
- [As Stephen officially hands over the portrait, his foot goes through it!!] Well…it’s yours now! We’ll be right back!
- Mr. Greenwald, you’re a brave man coming back after I handed to you last time for hunting my friend Tom DeLay,. Now, you’re going after my friend John McCain. What’s your beef with this American hero who has served and sacrificed and has the scars to prove it?
- Greenwald: How long do we have?
- Stephen: You have 4 minutes and 40 seconds.
- Greenwald: Then, let me start. You’re on. It’s a whole long list, we did an investigation about his number of homes and mansions–
- Stephen: Seven.
- Greenwald: We did an investigation about 3000 doctors saying “Release his healthcare records”–
- Stephen: He released his healthcare records! Sanjay Gupta glanced at them! He had a two-part special “Glancing at McCain.” Third, go to your third one, come on Mr. Man!
- Greenwald: And his anger, we’ve done an investigative video about his anger.
- Stephen: He’s old! Of course he’s angry! Where’s the surprise?
- Greenwald: Actually, everything we do at Brave New Films is heavily researched because of the fact that I like it when people attack us politically. We’ve never been attacked on factual issues–
- Stephen: I just did, I just attacked you on factual issues. I said, “it’s not factual”, you can take that little credibility tool out of your box! I just did it! What you say, and I mean this in the nicest possible way: You are a liar and your films are lies.
- Greenwald: Well in the world of fact-based, which is where we are–
- Stephen: Yeah, have fun over there, have fun over there in the “fact based world.”
- Greenwald: Where we investigate, we go after, and we prove things, we look for people to say “Here is the data” and we have the data–
- Stephen: The data, you’ve got people saying “I saw John McCain get mad”, that’s the data? “I saw him poke somebody in the chest,” that’s the data? That’s not the data, that’s a rumor.
- Greenwald: No, no actually, the rumors are even worse. We don’t do rumors–
- Stephen: Really?
- Greenwald: We don’t, no.
- Stephen: He’s actually a troll who lives under a bridge?
- Stephen: Are you interested in the truth?
- Greenwald: Totally.
- Stephen: Or are you a hitman? Because, what hit job have you done on a liberal? Give me one example of a hit job you’ve done on Obama, a hit job you did on Clinton? Give me one.
- Greenwald: Why would we do a hit job on Obama when McCain is spending all his money taking ads attacking Obama day in? 100% of his ads has been–
- Stephen: McCain said it last night. Obama is spending more money than any other person at any time in human history to create negative ads on John McCain. Do you know the three part, 280 million dollar blockbuster The Lord of the Rings was an attack ad that Obama made against McCain? McCain is Gollum, and Obama is the Precious.
Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit, Light gray suit in barrel cuffs, Light purple tie with tone-on-tone purple pattern.