Episode 4128 (10/08/2008)

“If it’s called ‘The USA Today,’ why is all the news from yesterday? BUSTED! This is The Colbert Report!”


Town Hall Beating: “Tonight, the candidates face off in a town-hall style debate. I can’t wait for their music-hall style debate. Ooooklabama!”

  • Stephen discusses the Tuesday night debate and how John McCain clearly beat Barack Obama.

Days of Repentance Hotline: the Atone Phone!

  • Gilbert Gottfried calls to apologize for being jealous of Stephen.

Scarborough Fair & Balanced: “Plus, my guest is MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough. I’ll ask him why his eyes are so tiny.”

  • Guest Joe Scarborough, host of ‘Morning Joe‘ on MSNBC

In closing: “Thank you very much! Well, folks, that is it for the Report. Now, of course, I can look forward to my regular post-show routine: I strip down to my socks, take an ice-cold bath, then a scalding hot shower, then: over-body wax. And, an hour under the sunlamp, some hot stone work from Nyoko, and suspend myself upside-down in a tank of aloe. Then of course, a glass of warm milk to wash down that handful of Ambien. Oh, I can almost hear the Sandman’s tiptoes already! Goodnight everybody!”

Video Highlight:

Atone Phone – Gilbert Gottfried: Gilbert Gottfried wants to apologize for being jealous of Stephen’s success.

R.A.P.S. – Click here to talk about the episode!

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website

NOTABLE MOMENTS

  • Now Nation, I hope you caught our show last night. I had a little impromptu town-hall-style meeting here in the show, and um, I took my jacket off cause that’s really city-folk wear, the jacket, and I rolled my sleeves up to make me seem like Farmer Brown, and um, you know I just went with it and I just unbuckled my pants and dropped them a little bit, and um, I’ve gotten some letters from people in actual small towns, and they’ve told me that they actually keep their pants on more than city folk do.
  • Please accept my apologies.
  • But I hope you all caught the debate last night! It was a real game-changer. Barack Obama got his ass handed to him! The only thing missing was Karl Rove dumping Gatorade over John McCain’s head at the end.
  • Look at the results of this post-debate poll on Fox News. 86% of their viewers believed John McCain won! I’ve never seen numbers like that before! It’s a blowout! By the way, in that same poll, 56% of their viewers thought Brit Hume was alive.
  • A bold assertion by Senator McCain. ‘My letter was ignored before your letter was ignored!’ The American people want a leader who will be the first to make an impotent gesture.
  • How could the federal government not respond to TWO letters? It’s like gulf coast hurricanes; you’re supposed to ignore the first and respond to the second.
  • It will be so convenient when you cross state lines to buy fireworks, liquor and cigarettes, you can also – [audience cheers] I know what these people did last weekend. You can also buy health care for when you destroy your liver, your lungs, and blow off your fingers.
  • Then, there was one particular moment when McCain sent my dial way up. Jimmy? [McCain: "Senator Obama's secret that you don't know is - "] What? What secret? Is he a secret Muslim? Obama’s actually a chick? He’d give it all up for his childhood sled? He killed Amelia Earhart?! Tell me! Oh sweet Jesus Christ on a waffle cone, what’s his secret?! [McCain: That his tax increases will increase taxes on 50% of small business revenue."] What? What? Taxes?! [Pulls out a skull with flight cap] Don’t worry Amelia, I’ll find your killer one day.
  • Of course, the polls in the mainstream media say that Obama was the winner, but I don’t get it. How could people fall for Obama’s shameless pandering? Especially the women out there.
  • Women cannot resist sweet talk about weatherizing their homes! I have known this for a long time. Watch. [Lights dim, music starts, Stephen pulls out a red rose and nearly stabs himself in the chin with the thorns]
  • Hello. You look great tonight. Is that your new lipcolor? And hey, do you feel a chill? Well, I’m gonna install galvanized weather stripping at the base of all your door frames. Even. . . the back ones.
  • I’m gonna use a foam sealant and/or silicone caulking to fill in gaps around the ceilings and floors, where drafts begin. And then I’m gonna put R-38 insulated fiber all up in your attic.
  • Well, I certainly hope all you ladies out there were turning your dials.
  • Nation, tomorrow is the last of the ten days between Rosh Hashannah and Yom Kippur. The Days of Repentance, when Jews ask forgiveness from those they’ve wronged in the past year.
  • Now, I bring out the Atone Phone every year as a public service to my Hebrew brethren, and sistren, not to mention my Hebrew transgender he-she-thren.
  • So, if you are Jewish, and you have wronged me in the past year, just call 1-888-667-7539, or 1-888-OOPS-JEW. Perhaps you’ve engineered a $700 billion bailout bill that’s going to put our country on the path to Communism, and two years ago, called me sub-Three Stooges in the Boston Globe. Or reduced me to tears a thousand time with your 1989 hit ‘The Wind Beneath My Wings.‘ [chokes up] Take her off. Or stolen my Emmy award that was rightfully mine – RICKLES!
  • 1-888-OOPS-JEW is the same number as 1-888-MOPS-KEY, a shopping hotline for janitorial equipment. Last year, many Jews who wanted to apologize to me instead wound up with a Euro-clean PS2000 Ultra-Speed Floor Burnisher. You can imagine how upset they were as you are not allowed to burnish on Yom Kippur.
  • So if you are calling to apologize to me, make sure to press 2. That’s the OOPS-JEW line. Do not press 1 unless you are in the market for a Swiss Army broom.
  • [Phone rings] Wow. I did not see that coming. Shalom, 1-888-OOPS-JEW, how have you wronged me?
    • Gilbert: Hi Stephen, this is Gilbert Gottfried.
    • Stephen: Gilbert! I’m a huge fan!
    • Gilbert: That’s ironic, ’cause I’m calling to apologize for being jealous of your success.
    • Stephen: Well, that’s perfectly understandable, Gilbert, we all get jealous from time to time.
    • Gilbert: Yeah, but not like this. I mean, I’ve been wishing you ill.
    • Stephen: Excuse me?
    • Gilbert: I’ve been wishing you ill.
    • Stephen: Yeah, I heard that part, but why have you been wishing me ill?
    • Gilbert: I’ve been praying to God you accidentally drink floor cleaner, and it causes your insides to liquify.
    • Stephen: Well, I suppose I could forgive you anyway, Gilbert, and since you called, -
    • Gilbert: And – and then as you watch your own vital organs strain out of your orifices like vichyssoise, I make mad passionate love to your wife, while we laugh at the splooshing sound your melted intestines make when they hit the floor.
    • Stephen: Well, nevertheless, Gilbert, I accept your apology, and I want to –
    • Gilbert: I’m not done. I’m not done! Then I scoop up your gut-puddle and I feed it to your still-living hollowed-out husk with a pinch of oregano for flavor, and I watch as your redigested innards once again fall out of your body cavity and ruin your expensive shoes, and I laugh, and laugh.
    • Stephen: Well, that’s – that’s really intense imagery, uh, Gil-
    • Gilbert: Stephen, don’t interrupt. Realizing how entertaining the sight of someone consuming their own entrails is, I decide to take the act on the road and book it into theaters from coast to coast as Colbonzo, The Man Who Eats Himself. Jimmy, can you put up the poster?
    • Stephen: Jimmy! When did you make that poster?!
    • Gilbert: Your freakish act of self-digestion becomes a sensation. You’re playing to sold-out crowds across the country. Johnny Carson comes back from the dead and books you on his show and I go mad and get insanely jealous of your success.
    • Stephen: Well – you get jealous of me in your own fantasy?
    • Gilbert: What can I say, I have self-esteem issues. Anyway, I hate you and I hate myself for what I’ve done, so I rent a convertible and put your slimy, decomposing body into the passenger seat and drive both of us off a cliff into the Grand Canyon like Thelma and a freakishly decayed, no-energy, eats-himself Louise and finally, I am at peace.
    • *Editor’s note: whew, thanks for the finger cramps, Gilbert.*
    • Stephen: Wow. Well, Gilbert, I had no idea you hated me that much.
    • Gilbert: Much more, Stephen, much more than that.
    • Stephen: So are we still going to the movies this weekend?
    • Gilbert: You bet. ‘Beverly Hills Chihuahua,’ I can’t wait.
    • Stephen: Well, great, I’ll see you then. Thanks for calling, Gilbert!
    • Gilbert: See you later, see you later, Colbonzo!
    • Stephen: [hangs up the phone] He’s a – he’s a nice guy.
  • Hey, Joe! Thank you so much for coming back, man! You ever do your show with a live audience like that?
    • Scarborough: Yeah, yeah, sure.
    • Colbert: You do? No, no you don’t. No you don’t. Now the last time you were here, you admitted that you took money from Jack Abramoff.
    • Scarborough: My god! [gets up, walks across the set and returns]
    • Colbert: You did, right? You did!
    • Scarborough: What’s with that! I took a thousand dollars from Abramoff, this is all you have for me?
    • Colbert: All is forgiven, Joe!
    • Scarborough: All is forgiven? I never even met the man!
    • Colbert: That was merely the preamble of the question! I just wanted to know if you wanted to reveal anything about your relationship with William Ayers while you’re here.
  • Scarborough: We talk about it because it’s not relevant.
    • Colbert: You say that it’s not relevant while you talk about it.
    • Scarborough: Well, now, we actually, we will –
    • Colbert: ‘Cause I’ve heard you guys say, like ‘we shouldn’t be talking about this, this is the McCain campaign making us connect the dots,’ but I thank you for talking about it anyway.
    • Scarborough: Okay, okay. It’s very cute that you’re trying to understand how TV works.
    • Colbert: It’s adorable. It’s adorable. [audience ooohs] No, I’m trying to understand how news works.
    • Scarborough: You’ve got it backwards. See, what we do is we talk about it for a very long time, and then we reveal after the ratings come in and it helps us out, that we shouldn’t be talking about it. It’s – it’s kind of like on Scarborough Country when we’d to run clips of Colbert, you know, The Colbert Report -
    • Colbert: Yes, you used to run about 20 minutes at a pop.
    • Scarborough: Yeah, exactly. Sit, smoking cigarettes, we’d see the minute-by-minutes, it worked very well.
    • Colbert: On your show, I’d report, your audience would decide, and you’d smoke a cigarette.
    • Scarborough: Exactly. And we’d get good ratings off of your writers’ back, but –
    • Colbert: How does McCain win this one, Joe? How does McCain bring it out of the pooper?
    • Scarborough: Well, you know the prob –
    • Colbert: You were a Republican Congressman! Help the man! Give him advice, right now, what does McCain have to do?
    • Scarborough: It is, Stephen, and I’m serious about this, it’s too late. And the reason why –
    • Colbert: Oh come on! Never say die! Never say die!
    • Scarborough: And I talked about this before. The Republican party inherited a $150 billion dollar surplus, we’ve got a $500 billion dollar debt this year, eight years later. Inherited a $5 trillion dollar debt which was being paid down in 2000, now it’s a $10 trillion dollar debt. Social Security and Medicare, closer the bankruptcy than it was eight years ago. Medicaid also going bankrupt, we’ve got a trillion dollar bailout right now because of what’s been going on. The markets keep crashing –
    • Colbert: Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe. Joe.
    • Scarborough: But when there was peace and prosperity, Stephen, you can talk about certain issues, but you can’t at this point, you have to talk about the economy and as long as the story is the economy -
    • Colbert: Look how MSNBC has changed you! I mean, I watched you for the first six years of the Bush administration and you went along with whatever that cat did.
    • Scarborough: [simultaneously] I know, I know. I know!
    • Colbert: And now you’re down on the Republicans? I mean they certainly haven’t changed, you must have.
    • Scarborough: I have changed.
    • Colbert: You have changed.
    • Scarborough: No, actually, you know, the funny thing is – it’s not really funny; the ironic thing is, everybody talks about how the Iraq War hurt the Republican party. I can tell you that it actually – a lot of this goes back to Hurricane Katrina. That’s when the lights were turned –
    • Colbert: So you don’t think the Iraq War hurt the Republican party.
    • Scarborough: No, I actually – it hurt them in 2006, but I will tell you this, and you can look at every poll. [to audience] I don’t know what those laughs were about. But as long as this election was being run on McCain’s territory, the Iraq War, the war on terror, McCain has had 15-20 percentage points over Obama. And again, there’s – I know that’s hard for people in Manhattan and Georgetown to figure out, but –
    • Colbert: Why can’t we make this election about things not in the United States?
    • Scarborough: If it’s about the economy, John McCain loses.
    • Colbert: What about Sarah Palin; you like her, right?
    • Scarborough: Why wouldn’t I? Doesn’t everybody like her?
    • Colbert: I love her.
    • Scarborough: ‘God bless ya.’
    • Colbert: You called her a rock star.
    • Scarborough: She’s a rock star, God bless her, you betcha. She is.
    • Colbert: She’s helping McCain, right?
    • Scarborough: You know, the funny thing is, if this race were closer, she would – she would do for McCain in 2008 what Karl Rove and Ken Melman’s ‘Get Out The Vote’ did in 2004 -
    • Colbert: If the race were closer.
    • Scarborough: If the race were closer.
    • Colbert: So if McCain were closer to winning, she would make him closer to winning.
    • Scarborough: She would draw out the base. Stay with me. If this were a one- or two-point race, instead of a five- or six-point race, Sarah Palin could help bring out the base. ‘Cause remember, John Kerry – people always forget, John Kerry in 2004 got more votes than any other presidential candidate in American history except George W. Bush in 2004, and that’s because Bush, and Rove, and Melman had a ‘Get Out the Vote’ operation where they just concentrated on the base, they concentrated on the conservatives. They drew them out more than ever before. That’s what Sarah Palin may do, but you know what, if it’s a six- or seven-point race, well –
    • Colbert: Your reasons for McCain not winning, the things you’re citing are polls, and, and – what is happening in the world. McCain’s gonna pull it out.
    • Scarborough: How? How does he do it, Stephen?
    • Colbert: Magic.

Fangirl Suit Report: Black suit, white shirt with barrel cuffs, yellow tie with thin stripe, WristStrong bracelet

Comments

  1. This gross bit really brightened my evening. I needed a laugh and boy did I get lots of that! The licorice of comedy; you just have to like that flavor. We can only imagine what the upcoming Roast is going to be like.

    P
    U

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  2. laughing at nothing says:

    I have very fond memories of Gilbert Gottfried in the 1980s hosting USA’s Up All Night which featured *terrible* movies. If it hadn’t been for him, I never would have seen Neon Maniacs, one of my all-time favorites (zombie Village People!). Even when he gets annoying, I still have a soft spot in my heart for him.

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    • Ah, Up All Night! I miss when USA was cheesy and had cool kids stuff. (Well, it was cool at the time.) I don’t remember when he hosted, though–I do, however, remember when some blonde chick hosted it. I probably shouldn’t have watched it as young as I was, but oh well!

      Didn’t USA have a music video show, too, at one point?

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  3. Thanks Cole & Porter for doing these guides, they are a great help in doing the quizzes.

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