Episode 4126 (10/06/2008)

Hey, “I Am America (And So Can You!) 2009 Desk Calendar“! How dare you be available at bookstores everywhere! This is The Colbert Report!”


V.P. v. V.P.: “Tonight, the vice presidential debate. I’m impartial, but gosh darn it, I think it was pretty doggone good.”

  • OJ Simpson Guilty

The Wørd: Maverick Without A Cause

All The World’s Afraid: “Plus, global markets melt down. Turns out, every language contains the word AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!”

  • Un-American News – Financial Edition

Cramer, No Sugar: “Then my guest is high strung financial expert, Jim Cramer. I hope the first three rows brought panchos for when his head explodes.”

  • Jim Cramer – Financial Analyst, Host of “Mad Money”

In closing: “We still have time for one more Stephen Colbert life drawing lesson. Ready? [poses] Good Night.”

Video Highlight:

Jim Cramer
Jim Cramer talks about who’s to blame for the economic crisis, and where to invest now.

R.A.P.S. – Click here to talk about the episode!

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website

NOTABLE MOMENTS

  • Why must the police always frame OJ Simpson? I mean, this is particularly hard on me because no secret, Juice is a close personal friend. I have lost a golf buddy, and a terrific wing man. Trust me, you walk into a bar with OJ Simpson, the women flock to you.
  • Here’s what I think is going on folks: OJ is going to jail on purpose so he can hunt for the real killers there. I mean, after all, think about it. Think about it. They must be in prison because he’s been looking for them on the outside for years. He has exhausted every avenue. Well… at least every fairway.
  • Of course, once Juice has found them and brought them to justice, OJ-style, he’s gonna need to break out of there. Which is why I have had the floor plans to his jail tattooed on my back. Yes, I’ve been working on the obliques, you can tell… I just have to get myself locked up with him and then I’ll bust him out. But first, how to get sent to jail…
  • *Shoots Tom Purcell in the audience, for the second time in two weeks*
  • *grabby hand* Jail, please!
  • Oh, and uh, and Juice? Don’t pick a wife yet, I am on the way.
  • Arguing about the causes of climate change is keeping us from impact positively affecting. I could not have said that better if I were speaking in tongues.
  • Governor Palin has proved she can emit carbon as well as any man. For Pete’s sake! She and her husband take snowmobile trips. That is like mowing your lawn for five hundred miles. [Actually, Palin cuts grass with shotgun.]
  • “Say it ain’t so, Joe.” No better way to show you’re the candidate of the future than to reference the 1919 Black Sox scandal.
  • I dream of a day when my children will live in a world without the shackles of cause and effect. When things will happen for no understandable reason. And we can respond randomly. What a magical time that will be. [The 13th century.]
  • As you know, the American financial system is in a bit of a pickle, right now, in that, due to a weak dollar we have switched to an all-pickle economy.
  • I think the effectiveness of this bill was summed up best by Congressman Brad Sherman, who represents the San Fernando Valley, America’s porn capital. [Congressman Sherman: “We’ve shot our wad.”] You– you do not want to know how he describes back door deals.
  • Last Wednesday, Vladimir Putin, the former president and current secret president of Russia, said, quote, “Everything that is happening in the economic and financial sphere has started in the United States.” Putin’s just jealous because the U.S. is winning the economic meltdown race.
  • Putin does have one advantage in these tough economic times. He knows judo. Which means he is much better prepared to fight hoboes for a cantaloupe rind.
  • Hey Steinbrück– are those two little dots in your name an umlaut, or are those your tiny balls? [...] The U.S. will never lose its superpower status, Herr Steinbrück. We’re like Paul McCartney– our earlier work was so good, we will always be forgiven for the crap we do today.
  • Now over in France, President Nicolas Sarkozy said, “Laissez-faire is finished, the all powerful market that is always right, that’s finished.” First of all, Sarkozy, I don’t know what laissez-faire means. I assume it’s some sort of French gay women’s street carnival.
  • And it wasn’t just Europeans slamming us, folks. Listen to no-neck Venezuelan monster Hugo Chavez. Jim? [Chavez: “What is happening in the U.S right now, it's like an elephant that is sinking into a pool.”] Now, an elephant sinking into a pool may be a strange description of a financial crisis. But not if you are familiar with his financial danger alert scale. On the bottom representing a strong economy is a monkey taking a bath. Next, you have an elephant sinking into a pool. And if the economic situation worsens, we’ll be at giraffe falling asleep in a jacuzzi. And if the bottom totally falls out, the alert will be elevated to gazelle standing in a pail of water while changing a light bulb.
  • So lay off the American economy, Lula da Silva, and stick to what Brazil does best: finding new and painful ways to tear hair off our genitals.
  • Do you have to put a Dramamine patch behind your ear before you go into work in the morning so that you don’t vomit around noon?
  • A year ago, we had you on the show after you had a little meltdown on your show on CNBC, and — I’m paraphrasing here — but at the time you said that this coming credit crisis was going to be Armageddon! It was going to be the end of the world! Nobody knows anything! People are going to lose their houses, people are going to lose their jobs! They know nothing! [Cramer: They know nothing!] In retrospect, don’t you think you were too calm?
    • Cramer: The Western financial world is over.
    • Stephen: Now, wait– some of us have some money in the Western financial world.
    • Cramer: Still?
    • Stephen: Yes. We thought you were kidding a year ago.
    • Cramer: No, my last prediction that was cut off was that your ATM will stop working. You’ll go, and there’ll be no cash.
    • Stephen: *looks at watch* I’ve gotta go…
  • Let’s count the different ways this is Bill Clinton’s fault.
  • So we can safely not blame this on the Bush administration.
    • Cramer: You can’t blame it on the Bush administration.
    • Stephen: You cannot.
    • Cramer: No, you can’t.
    • Stephen: AH HA HA HA!!! Thank you!
    • Cramer: I’d love to, but you can’t. It just doesn’t work. It’s just historically inaccurate.
    • Stephen: All right, but whose fault is this?
    • Cramer: Well I mean, the Democrats wanted them to be able to lend to anybody…
    • Stephen: I love you.
  • Or, one person should own every house, that’s John McCain’s idea.
    • Stephen: How insecure is the market?
    • Cramer: The market’s frightened of its own shadow. The market comes in–
    • Stephen: It’s a groundhog.
    • Cramer: Yes! Yes, it’s a groundhog.
    • Stephen: It saw its own shadow today, and we’ll have six more months of dropping Dow.
  • Is this like the Depression? Should I invest in fedoras and bread crusts?
  • I’m just going to pop open a can of alfredo sauce, get into bed, and chug it every night, just to put myself down like an old dog.
    • Stephen: What about gold? I see a lot of actors with English accents on TV telling me to invest in gold. Is that– You know those commercials? Where they all have English accents?
    • Cramer: They’re very persuasive.
    • Stephen: (dramatically) Gold has never lost its value. Since the time of ancient Egypt, gold– They advertise on your channel, my friend. They pay your rent.
    • Cramer: They do, and that’s why I’m for ‘em.

Fangirl Suit Report: Grey pinstriped suit, Lovely aqua shirt with barrel cuffs, Berry tie with square pattern.

If you're new to our Zoner community, please read the No Fact Zone Comment Policy before commenting. Thank you!