Sep
30
Episode 4122 (9/29/2008)
By
“Nation, I will always make eye contact with you. This is The Colbert Report!”
Wall Street Bleak: “Tonight, are we turning our back on the free market? And is that a good idea considering what it’s been doing to us from the front”
- Thanks but no thanks on that bail-out to nowhere
The Wørd: Ye of Little Faith
Death Becomes Him: “And another edition of my health segment Cheating Death. Warning: You are not covered”
- Brought to you by Prescott Pharmaceuticals
Begala B’Golly: “Then, my guest Paul Begala says a McCain Presidency would be four more years of President Bush. Wrong! It could be eight years.”
- Political Pundit Paul Begala
THE COLBERT BUMP – YOU’RE GETTING IT:
Paul Begala – Third Term: Why George W. Bush (Hearts) John McCain
In closing: “That’s it for the Report, everybody. Goodnight!”
Video Highlight:
The Word – Ye of Little Faith
Being eaten alive by the market is better than admitting the government should have any role.
R.A.P.S. – Click here to talk about the episode!
NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!
More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website
- Daily/Colbert – Happy Rosh Hashanah : Stephen confuses the Jewish New Year with the Chinese New Year.
- Intro – 9/29/08: Are we turning our back on the free market? And is that a good idea, considering what it’s been doing to us from the front?
- The First Debate Winner: Barack Obama wins overwhelmingly when it comes to agreeing with John McCain.
- Cheating Death – Car Bacteria: You no longer need a partner to get a venereal disease in the backseat of your car.
- Paul Begala: Paul Begala is with the 82% who think George W. Bush is doing a terrible job.
NOTABLE MOMENTS
- I was a torn as you were last Friday night but I managed to see both the debate and a midnight showing of Nights in Rodanthe! Oddly enough, the debate and Nights in Rodanthe had exactly the same amount of sexual tension.
- Does Barack Obama even know the comparative height of Asian peoples? This may just be the wedge issue McCain has been looking for. McCain ‘08: Cambodians are taller than you think.
- Now Nation, if you don’t know the difference [between a tactic and a strategy], a tactic is when Bush used political operatives to slander McCain in 2000. A strategy is when McCain hired those same operatives to run his campaign in 2008. Totally different.
- But I gotta say, Senator Obama, to give him his due, won overwhelmingly when it came to agreeing with John McCain.
- It appears that what Barack Obama really doesn’t understand is the definition of debate.
- We all won today, folks. The House rejected the $700 billon bail-out!. Thanks but no thanks on that bail-out to nowhere.
- House Republicans sent a strong message that Wall Street fatcats are not getting a hand-out, just tax cuts forever.
- Ooooh, I’m scared! Barney Frank wouldn’t know a bad day for the economy if it were Three feet behind him dancing disco.
- Oh no, Rosh Hashanah! Too bad. If only it was Hanukkah the credit markets would last another eight days.
- It is a lot like believing in another all-powerful being. [Oprah?]
- Like God, the market is all around us. [This Bullet Brought To You By Dr. Pepper]
- The market guides us with an invisible hand. [Gives C.E.O.'s Invisible Reach Around]
- God inspires towering steeples. The market, towering sky-scrapes. Both God and the market, evidently, both compensating for something.
- Some out there, folks, are going to say that this financial meltdown shows that the market is fallible, that it is, in fact, not God. [Under Bailout Plan, Henry Paulson Would Be]
- Look at the Old Testament. Look at Job. [While You're Looking For A Job]
- Job was riding high on a big livestock and children bubble before that burst. He lost everything, but he still was faithful to God and got back more than he lost. [Had To Postpone Retirement Until He Was 140]
- Maybe the market isn’t like the Juedo-Christian God at all. It might be a blindly vengeful God with a thousand hungry mouths who comes in the form of a winged serpent to destroy the universe with a black flame. [Cheney?]
- Hear me oh children of capitalism. Thou shalt not abandon thy one true God for the false idols of socialism! That way lies eternal damnation. [Or Worse: Universal Healthcare]
- Our God demands sacrifice! And I don’t mean regulation. I mean human flesh. [Can We Start With Henry Paulson]
- Being eaten alive by the market is better than admitting that the government have any role. So everybody, calm down. [Do As I Say, Not As I Panic]
- Thanks to the House Republicans we are in the market’s hands. And it will take care of us only if we trust it. Oh ye of little faith. [And Littler Savings]
- With the recent economic crash, at least you’ve got your health. Bad news: it’s being repossessed.
- As always, “Cheating Death” is brough to you by Prescott Pharmaceuticals, makers of the world’s largest “Do Not Take If Pregnant” warning label.
- Microbiologists from Britan’s Aston University recently found that the typical car has 283 different kinds of bacteria present in every square inch. These freeloading germs aren’t even chipping in for gas.
- The good news is that you no longer need a partner to get a veneral disease in the backseat of your car.
- Scientists found that the dirtiest area of the car was the gear shift. And I believe it. When I drive to work every morning, I got a coffee in one hand and my Blackberry in the other. You do not want to know what I’m using to shift.
- To put this vehicular filth into perspective, while the inside of a car has 283 germs perspective, the average toilet seat has only 49. So what I want to know is, who’s been crapping in our cars? I knew something was up when my Mazda dealer started talking about a special event.
- But help is on the way thanks to Prescott Pharmaceuticals’ “AtomoClean” AtomoClean, simply remove it from its lead carrying case and hang it from your rear-view mirror and AtomoClean irradiates your entire car. As a bonus, it microwaves your groceries and your pets. Side effects may include Chinese firebones, brain whistle, and eyesplosions.
- That’s right, listening to Mozart can help cure hyper tension. Unlike listening to Wagner, which makes you want to invade Poland.
- But for those of you who cannot afford tickets the Philharmonic to prevent your looming aneurysm, Prescott Records presents “Let’s Give Physical”, the only music compilation scientifically designed as a substitute for conventional medicine if….you take it rectally.
- For the first time on one CD you’ll hear songs that cure Angina, Dry Socket, Impacted Bowel, Trichinosis, and many many more. Side effects may include capillary yogurt, abdominal salad-shooters, and REO Speedlung.
- That’s it for Cheating Death, brought to you by Prescott Pharmaceuticals, the last word in medicine because Prescott is often literally our patients’ last word.
- My guest tonight recently called President George W. Bush a high functioning moron. High functioning…that’s not bad.
- Interview with Paul Begala
- Stephen: Why don’t YOU heart George W. Bush is what I wanna know. Eight years in, he’s finally acting like a Democrat. He’s agreeing to timetables, right? He’s finally taking some interest in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. He is trying to nationalize our financial system. Don’t you want more of this guy?
- Begala: No, I think I’m with the 82% that think he’s doing a terrible job. He tried to ruin the country in his first term, he’s trying to ruin the world in his second term. Let’s not give him a third term with John McCain. And I think that’s what John McCain would be. If you look at the record and I had a dozen researchers working with me on this book, if you go through the record…
- Stephen: Am I supposed to be impressed with how many you had researching your book? I’ll get two dozen people to say you’re wrong! If it’s volume, it’s just volume sir.
- Begala: 91% of the time he votes with George W. Bush. 91%.
- Stephen: So he is 9% pure Maverick!
- Begala: But actually on that 9% he has flip-flopped. he was against making the Bush tax cuts temporary and now he wants to make them permanent [Editor's Note: The rare tripping of the tongue from a political pundit]
- Stephen: Well he’s a Maverick against himself! He’s a true Maverick, completely unpredictable. You don’t know what he’s gonna do! He could rule the country with a ouija board.
- Stephen: But he has experience. You will admit that McCain brings experience to the table. I mean, who would you want dealing with the problem of social security more than someone who has been collecting it for years?
- Stephen: By the way, of Obama versus McCain, which one do you think is best suited to lead us during the downward spiral of our economy? Whose wife has a better recipe for shoelace soup?
- Stephen: Who do you think won the debate the other night?
- Begala: I thought the first 40 minutes about the economy I felt neither of them were addressing the fact that we’re in an economic crisis.
- Stephen: But isn’t that the best thing? Isn’t an economic crisis like a problem in your sex life? It’s best just not to talk about it. It’ll just go away. It’ll work itself out.
- Begala: I’m a Democrat, I wouldn’t know. See we make love, not war. Apparently my Republican friends can’t do either if you look at their track record in Iraq or Afghanistan.
- Stephen: Are you claiming that the Republicans don’t know how to screw anybody?
ManFan Suit Report: Dark grey suit jacket, white lightly striped shirt, black tie with white pattern, WRISTstrong Bracelet.
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