Episode 4121 (9/25/2008)

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man miss my show. This is The Colbert Report!”

Debate and Switch: “Tonight, will there be a Presidential debate tomorrow? I say we settle that question with a debate”

NYVP: “Then, Sarah Palin comes to New York City. I heard she can see the Russian tea-room from her hotel”

Carr Talk: “Plus, my guest Nick Carr thinks the internet is making us superficial. Well I was superficial way before the internet”


Nicholas CarrThe Big Switch: Rewiring the World, from Edison to Google

In closing: “That’s it for the Report. One more thing…good night.”

Video Highlight:

Nights of Rodanthe Premiere
It’s time to put petty politics aside for the opening of “Nights in Rodanthe.”

R.A.P.S. – Click here to talk about the episode!

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website


  • Please sit down! Haven’t you heard there’s an energy crisis! Doesn’t sound there’s an energy crisis to me, folks. It’s all out here. We should hook up generators to your nipples…..and get a camera.
  • What an awful week….except for my Emmy.
  • I do not believe that we as a Nation should be asked to sit througha petty partisan exercise tomorrow night when it is the opening of “NIGHTS IN RODANTHE”!!
  • Oh those horses, they’re like her heart. So wild, so free!
  • Gere and Lane go together in this movie like two actors who are paid a lot to pretend that they like each other!
  • “It will make you fall in love”. Finally, a reason to fall in love!
  • “It’s the Notebook of 2008” so you know it’s gonna be great because “The Notebook” was “The English Patient” of 2004
  • (NOTE: Stephen basking in “Love Remains the Same” is love)
  • Oh, I love loving!
  • So Senator Obama, I’m calling on you to put politics aside for oneday…listen to your heart. Cancel tomorrow’s debate cause unless you’re gonna be debating whether it’s ever too late for a second chance, I’m not interested.
  • Mmm, wild-berry zinger
  • One’s from the party of Roosevelt, the other’s from the party of Roooosevelt
  • Obama likes Franklin, who led the country through the great depression, while McCain prefers Teddy, who spoke at his high school graduation.
  • (After graphic) …thought that was gonna be more dramatic
  • To compare Roosevelts from different periods of history you have to choose categories that are both rigorous and fair…which is why I’m starting with fancy boy pictures
  • Franklin Roosevelt truly was our greatest cross-dressing toddler President!
  • FDR’s reputation for grit comes from winning a two front war against Germany and Japan but more importantly managing, while confined to a wheelchair, to bang everything that moves…well [picture of Eleanor Roosevelt] almost everything.
  • Then again, Teddy fought the Spanish American War with a group called the Rough-Riders, known for their willingness to go unprotected into rear-guard action
  • Stephen as FDR during Fireside Chat: Take that Hitler [*spanking noises*] and that [*thunder sound*]. Oh no, a thunderstorm! I’ll get you next week Adolph! And you kids at home, don’t forget to smoke Lucky Brand cigarettes. Lucky: It’s Toasted. Until our next chat, Eleanor, away! [*horse gallop noise*]
  • Now I know what you’re thinking, but in 1900, dot dot dash dash was not an offensive thing to call a Native American
  • The teddy bear is named after Theodore Roosevelt because he once refused to shoot a bear. History shall not forgive him and neither shall I. Point for Franklin.
  • 2-2, it’s a tie. Neither can be called America’s greatest Roosevelt, which means that title continues to be held by my favorite Roosevelt, Roosevelt Franklin, Sesame Street’s borderline racist muppet from the 1970s.
  • Roosevelt Franklin is the Roosevelt for our times. For he represents blue states and red states in that…he is purple.
  • Take that, sexist liberals. Where’s your female candidate who sits quietly and listens and learns from men?
  • You can learn everything you need to know about a person in 29 seconds. That is the time McCain knew Palin before he nominated her.
  • If I know Katie [Couric], that is one tough interview. No one leaves there without getting a colonoscopy.
  • Interview with Kim Gandy
    • Stephen: By the way, if at any point in this interview you feel you need to burn your bra, go right ahead.
    • Gandy: Senator Obama and Senator Biden have been standing up for women’s rights throughout their careers
    • Stephen: And which one of them is the woman?
    • Stephen: Are you the National Organization for Some Women?
    • Stephen: Are you saying that Sarah Palin is not a woman? Cause if you’re saying that, that would be a bombshell that would get me great ratings. Are you saying that Sarah Palin has got some junk downtown?
    • Stephen: If you actually think that Sarah Palin is a man, just say that you believe women should have equal rights.
    • Gandy: I believe women should have equal rights
    • Stephen: Loud and clear
  • Folks, you heard it here first: Sarah Palin is a dude! So good news fellas, that means you’re not sexist, you’re gay.
  • My guest tonight has written a new book about the future of the internet. But how much can he really know about it if he’s still publishing books?
  • Interview with Nick Carr
    • Stephen: We have the internets and we go to the Googles and what’s wrong with that?
    • Carr: Nothing’s wrong with that.
    • Stephen: Okay. [shakes hand] Thanks for stopping by.
    • Carr: The world wide web is turning into the worldwide computer
    • Stephen: Now is that worldwide computer gonna be an Apple or a PC
    • Carr: The worldwide computer doesn’t care.
    • Stephen: It doesn’t watch TV commercials then.
    • Carr: I would argue that you’re beginning to think like a computer, which means you’re jumping from piece of information to piece of information.
    • Stephen: That is absolutely not true, what temperature is it outside? Do you know of any good vacation spots? Am I hot or not??
    • Carr: We can’t stay focused on one thing. We become so…..
    • Stephen: [focused on iPhone] “We become so…” I’m listening. “We become so…”
    • Stephen:But aren’t you complaining about something that naturally has to die? I mean, it’s like saying “You know, books are fine and everything but I really miss scratching in the mud with a reed and letting it dry and carving it out and putting it in the tabernacle”?
    • Stephen:You said that computers or machines took over blue-collar jobs….and that computers are now taking away white collar jobs….But isn’t the natural progression that eventually there’ll just be no-collar jobs. Isn’t that where we’re making money on the internet, in porn?

Manfan Suit Report: Dark grey suit, light grey shirt, navy green and pale blue striped tie. WristSTRONG Bracelet.

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