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You are here: Home / The Colbert Report / Episode 4118 (9/18/2008)

Episode 4118 (9/18/2008)

September 19, 2008 By

I know the knife is supposed to go next to the spoon, but where does the gun go? This is The Colbert Report!”

Ice, Ice Maybe “The fight for arctic wealth heats up almost as much as the arctic. ”

  • Stephen insults Academy of Television Arts and Sciences Chairman John Schaffner so he can win an Emmy.
  • Global warming warms the arctic. Countries fight for Arctic Riches.

Me.N.A. “My DNA gets shot into space, weirdly not by me.”

  • Astronaut Richard Garriott Takes Stephen to Space.

Maria Full Of Gripes “CNBC’s Maria Bartiromo is here to talk about the financial crisis. I hope she doesn’t expect to be reimbursed for her travel.”

  • Maria Bartiromo tells Stephen we shouldn’t have knee-jerk reactions to the Wall Street collapse. Stephen wants to go into his panic room and weld the door shut.

THE COLBERT BUMP – YOU’RE GETTING IT:

Closing Bell – MSNBC show starring Maria Bartiromo

In closing: ” Well Folks, that is it for The Report. We are off to the Emmys. Best of luck to anyone who is me. Goodnight.”

Video Highlight: Smokin’ Pole – American Arctic Expert

R.A.P.S. – Click here to talk about the episode!

NOTABLE MOMENTS — Video links and more after the fold!

More Video Highlights, courtesy of Comedy Central’s Colbert Report website

NOTABLE MOMENTS

  • Speaking of bankruptcy, Hollywood is famous for its moral bankruptcy. The place is so obsessed with sex that its favorite fast food is the In-N-Out Burger.
  • Once again, folks I am nominated for an Emmy in the category of outstanding individual performance in a variety or a music program. I am also nominated for shapeliest legs on a pundit.
  • I tell you, winning this Emmy award will be as easy as taking candy from a baby, wait wait this is Hollywood, better make this as easy as sleeping with the babysitter.
  • Manilooooow
  • Bennetedoooooow
  • Rickleeeeeeees
  • Academy, what kind of game are you playing. Every year you give my Emmy to a beloved entertainer with an enlarged prostate. I believe that is what Emmy is holding up.
  • Is that what the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences Honers Now? Insults? Cuz if that’s it I’ll do it.
  • Hey Shaffner you may be the head of the Emmys, but you’ve got a face like Oscar’s ass.
  • Hey let me ask you something. Shaffner, do they call you chairman because you’re the head of the Academy, or because one night the janitor caught you F@%King a Stool?
  • When you have sex I hear your wife starts playing the wrap it up music after thirty seconds.
  • [Recorded September 14th] And the Emmy for special achievement 3 dimensional scale rendering of being a total a-hole goes to… John Schaffner.
  • [Shouted at picture of Schaffner} You hockey puck!
  • If there are any children watching I meant to making love to a stool, which you only do with a stool after you marry it.
  • Don Rickles isn't the only Mr. Warmth out there, there's also global warming.
  • Earlier this month the arctic lost an ice shelf the size of Manhattan. This is terrifying folks, if there is an ice Manhattan it cannot be long until we have a walrus Sex and the City.
  • As the ice melts, it bring new access to arctic booty.
  • The Canadian government announced a new permanent Arctic Army Reserve. The reserve will only have 100 members but Canadian military experts say that the symbolism is important, especially when the Russians shoot them with metaphorical bullets.
  • After years of absence, Russian bombers have resumed flying missions in the far north. NATO is not sure if Russia is preforming reconnaissance or just looking for a place to drop investigation journalists. So what is the US doing to blunt this northern aggression? We are mapping the seabed, The Fighting Cartographers!
  • If only there was an American born between Russia and Canada. Some kind of super American arctic expert. Wait, there is, Sarah Palin. We will send her into the arctic with nothing more than a hunting rifle and a tube of lipstick.
  • If I know Sarah Palin, and I've seen one speech so I think I do. She will back carrying 50 billion barrels of oil on one of her husbands snow machines.
  • Nation, I've never felt so liberated. This body here, it's a mere shell. I can do with it what I want, look. [Drinks blue cleaning fluid] Oh that is bracing. Now I got about ten minutes before my kidneys fail, so let me quickly explain why I am acting immortal. It is because I am immortal.
  • Next month my DNA will be shot into space. So if anything ever happens to this bucket of truth, guts, and Bud Light Lime, now there is a backup Stephen Colbert Recipie.
  • And just in time, by my calculations, two more states legalize gay marriage and God goes ape-s***.
  • If the aliens create a alien human hybrid, I want to be the top half. It would be far too dangerous for an alien to have my balls.
  • My guest tonight is a CNBC anchor here to talk about the financial crisis, I hope she is prepared to pay the 500,000 dollar guest fee.
  • From Maria Bartiromo interview
    • Stephen: Are there cannibals in the streets?
      Maria: No
      Stephen: Downtown right now, because that’s the impression I’m getting from the news is that there are zombie stockbrokers who have lost everything, who now rule the night and feast on human flesh.
    • Stephen:AIG just got a guarantee of 85 billion dollars today. Right?
      Maria : Yes, that’s right.

      • Stephen: Ok so does that mean that I can show up at the stockholder meetings at AIG now?

    • Stephen:Look, I believe that these guys should be able to speculate and do anything they want to make as much money as they want in any way that they want and in the good times, and when things go bad we should help them out so they can do it again later. Because I believe in the free market except when it might impair a cooperation.

ManFan Suit Report: Grey pinstriped suit, Faint gray shirt with French cuffs, Light and navy blue striped silk tie, WristSTRONG bracelet.

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